Scooter’s Pants Are Noticeably Flammable

I know you people lead busy lives. You don’t have time for nonsense. So I’ve gone ahead and read the twenty-two page Libby indictment so you don’t have to. I’m sure you can find a better, more detailed analysis almost anywhere else. But here are the relevant points as I see them:

• For those right-wingers who intend to say that naming a CIA operative is no big deal, Fitzgerald replies:

  Disclosure of the fact that such individuals were employed by the CIA had the potential to damage the national security in ways that ranged from preventing the future use of those individuals in a covert capacity, to compromising intelligence-gathering methods and operations, and endangering the safety of CIA employees and those who dealt with them.

• When the wingnuts say that everyone knew Valerie Plame worked for the CIA:

  Valerie Wilson was employed by the CIA, and her employment status was classified. Prior to July 14, 2003, Valerie Wilson’s affiliation with the CIA was not common knowledge outside the intelligence community.

• Who told Libby?

  On or about June 11 or 12, 2003, the Under Secretary of State orally advised LIBBY in the White House that, in sum and substance, Wilson’s wife worked at the CIA.

• Do you smell some conspiracy in the oven? While trying to figure out how to respond to questions about the Niger uranium Joe Wilson stuff from Washington Post reporter Walter Pincus:

  LIBBY participated in discussions in the Office of the Vice President concerning how to respond to Pincus.

• And where’s Cheney?

  On or about June 12, 2003, LIBBY was advised by the Vice President of the United States that Wilson’s wife worked at the Central Intelligence Agency in the Counterproliferation Division. [ed. – they're trying to counter the proliferation of nuclear weapons] LIBBY understood that the Vice President had learned this information from the CIA.

• The part that demonstrates that Libby knew that he was doing something illegal:

  That official [Libby’s Principal Deputy] asked LIBBY whether information about Wilson’s trip could be shared with the press to rebut the allegations that the Vice President had sent Wilson. LIBBY responded that there would be complications at the CIA in disclosing that information publicly, and that he could not discuss the matter on a non-secure telephone line.

• Then there is a list of the number of times he told Bitch Judy Miller that Mrs. Wilson worked at the CIA – On June 23, 2003, July 8, 2003 and July 12, 2003. Is Judy so dumb that she has to hear it three times? And July 8 is the second time it becomes clear that Libby knew what he was doing and that he ought not be doing it:

  LIBBY asked that the information LIBBY provided on the topic of Wilson be attributed to a “former Hill staffer” rather than to a “senior administration official,” as had been the understanding with respect to other information that LIBBY provided to Miller during this meeting.

• The best part:

  LIBBY spoke to a senior official in the White House (“Official A”) who advised LIBBY of a conversation Official A had earlier that week with columnist Robert Novak [ed. – better known as Douchebag of Liberty] in which Wilson’s wife was discussed as a CIA employee involved in Wilson’s trip.

  Who is Official A? And is he sweating in his skidmarked underpants this weekend?

And then it goes on to describe his lies and treachery in detail. We know all that. He told the FBI that he didn’t know about Valerie Plame even though we all know that Cheney told him. He said this and that to Matt Cooper. And so on. Lies, lies, lies.

He’s in big trouble. Maximum of thirty years. Good luck with all that.

Breakin’ the Law, Breakin’ the Law

Irving Lewis Libby (I refuse to call a grown man “Scooter”) was indicted today on five charges including perjury, obstruction of justice and making false statements.

Let’s say it all together now, right-wingers – Perjury isn’t a real crime. It’s only lying. We lie every day! And as long as we don’t lie about sex, who cares?

In the meantime, the Rove investigation is ongoing. Guess what Asshole is going to do.

As Rove departed his home in Washington Friday morning, he told reporters, "I am going to have a great Friday and a fantastic weekend and hope you do too."

In the meantime, let us not forget this:

Bush suggested at the beginning of the investigation that he would fire anyone on his staff who was involved in the leak.

He appeared to set a higher standard in July, saying, "If someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration."

See? They lie all the time!


UPDATE: Scoots up and quit. I wonder how he's going to continue his efforts to bring ruination upon the earth without that primo job... Do you suppose he'll be able get a cushy gig at Halliburton or one of the other BushCo crony front companies?

Have You No Sense of Decency?

So. It looks like Libby’s going to be indicted, but Rove isn’t. Yet. But don’t let that fool you. I don’t want to hear any platitudes from the Bush administration (although I’m certain we will) about being vindicated or exonerated. He is most definitely guilty. They just can’t quite connect the dots. Yet.

This is his M.O. Do the most underhanded, illegal, and in this case treasonous dirty trick you can think of, but stay removed from it just enough to keep your fingerprints off it directly. It’s OK if everyone suspects you as long as they can’t prove it. He’s done this so many times before. Read Bush’s Brain (or watch it you lazy-ass). In it you’ll hear about all his nefarious schemes, like when he bugged his own office and blamed it on the Democrats. Everyone knew Rove did it. All the evidence pointed to Rove doing it. They just couldn’t prove it. But after Rove showed the bug to the press, his candidate made huge gains in the polls - just enough to win. This is what he does.

But let me ask you – just because O.J. was acquitted, do any of you think that he didn’t kill his wife? I didn’t think so.

Of course, even guiltier than Rove – Vice President Cheney. But I guess we can all go fuck ourselves, eh, Dick?

Yer Still Doin' a Heckuva Job, Brownie

Hey everyone, we're still paying Brownie's salary!

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff on Wednesday defended FEMA's decision to extend former director Michael Brown's post-resignation employment by an additional 30 days.
[gimme an s! gimme an n! gimme an i-p!]
Brown, heavily criticized for the federal government's slow response to Katrina, initially was permitted to stay on the FEMA payroll for 30 days at his $148,000 annual salary. The agency recently agreed to extend his contract for another 30 days.

Since my tax dollars are still paying this clown's salary, I demand that he come over and rake all the leaves out of my yard when he's done fucking up whatever he's doing now. Hopefully he can manage to rake and bag a few piles without killing 1,200 people like last time.

The Free Market Ain’t Free

Exxon Mobil, kind-hearted, puppy-loving protector of the environment/energy company has reported their profits for the quarter.

Exxon Mobil Corp., the world's largest publicly traded oil company, on Thursday reported quarterly profit surged 75 percent, pushed up by record crude oil and natural gas prices.

Profits up 75%? Imagine if you got a 75% raise in your salary four times a year. Think about it.

And then think about what might have happened in the last three months that could have led to such huge profits. I wonder...

So while you and I and all us chumps out here are busy fueling our cars and heating our homes and paying through the nose for the privilege of going to work and not freezing to death, Exxon Mobil is hungrily drinking our blood and laughing at our pain. It is absolutely absurd to rely on the so-called free market to determine the price of a commodity that everyone absolutely must have. It’s pure extortion. Particularly when you consider the natural disasters (caused by oil companies) and the wars (caused by oil companies) and the tyrants who hold all the oil (propped up by oil companies).

Someone must put a stop to this. Capitalism is great, but it isn’t the end-all be-all of civilization. Sometimes the government has to step in like Trust-Busting Teddy Roosevelt and put a leash on our corporate overlords.

Rise up, proletariat! Workers unite!!

Harriet. Sweet Harriet.

Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis...

I just had to get that out of my system before she goes away forever. Poor, sweet, innocent Harriet Miers. She couldn’t take the heat, so she got out of the metaphorical kitchen. More accurately, she was tired of crying herself to sleep every night because of the meanies in the newsrooms and the Senate. Or perhaps even more accurately, Bush finally came to terms with the notion that just because she’s his BFF, doesn’t mean that she’s our BFF. But I’m sure he told her she did a “heckuva job” before he slammed the door in her face.

Indeed she did.

Then it’s back to business. “Turd Blossom! Get in here! What the… Nancy, where in tarnation is Karl, dammit!”

“He’s in a meeting with his lawyers, sir.”

Just Replace It With the Seventh Seal

The White House wants The Onion to stop using the presidential seal on it's fake news stories. My favorite part is the headline and sub-headline:

White House to Onion: Stop using seal

Symbol 'being used inappropriately,' says spokesman

I think The Onion should point out that the White House has been using the presidential seal inappropriately for the last 5 years by applying it to that rodeo clown "leading" our country. When asked about the issue, Bush reportedly asked, "How much fish does the parsidential seal eat in a day?" (da-doom-doom-TSSSSSSHHH!)

(image from www.walden3.org)

My Secret Mission

Some of you may have noticed that I've been conspicuously absent from Delusions of Grandeur lately. Many (ok, none) of you have asked where I was and what I was doing. Well, our records have recently been declassified, so I am finally able to reveal the truth:

I've been on a secret diplomatic mission to Niger, investigating various claims about "yellowcake." Unfortunately, by the time I got there, the only thing left was cinnamon babka.

NEWS FLASH: Giving Law Enforcement Nearly Unlimited Powers Might Lead to Abuse!

Long story short: the FBI might be abusing the PATRIOT ACT.

Records turned over as part of a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit also indicate that the FBI has investigated hundreds of potential violations related to its use of secret surveillance operations, which have been stepped up dramatically since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks but are largely hidden from public view.
[s-to-the-nip]
In other cases, agents obtained e-mails after a warrant expired, seized bank records without proper authority and conducted an improper "unconsented physical search," according to the documents.

CNN had a similar article, which ends hilariously:

The ACLU, which has led the fight against the expanded federal powers, issued a statement saying, "The revelation was only further proof that Patriot Act reforms are needed."

But the FBI official rejected the argument, saying the process of reporting every potential violation of even the most technical mistakes is a 20-year-old practice that long predates the Patriot Act.

Hee hee, nice defense: "Hey, don't blame the PATRIOT ACT! We've been incompetent fuck-wits who can't remember to file the proper paperwork or set up legal wiretaps for 20 years!"

War's a Bitch

Sadly, we have another milestone in Iraq. 2,000 American soldiers killed. I’m not hyping the number in some ghoulish attempt to show Bush how destructive his war has been. It’s just that we as a people tend to ignore things until they reach a number divisible by five or ten. Then we think about it for a day. Let’s remember who has lost the most in all of this, and it’s not Scooter Libby.

Unless of course you are in the military leadership. They’d like us to forget.

The spokesman for the American-led multinational force called on news organizations not to look at the 2,000 death as a milestone in the conflict. Lt. Col. Steve Boylan described 2,000 figure as an "artificial mark on the wall."

Adding, “Hey, if God in His infinite wisdom had given us 12 fingers instead of 10, we’d have until 3,456 soldiers were dead before you got all noticey about it. Did I just blow your mind? Oooo-weeeee-ooooo."

Strange behavior from our military commanders...

Torture Is Bad! Except...

The Washington Post has an interesting story about our Vice President.

The Bush administration has proposed exempting employees of the Central Intelligence Agency from a legislative measure endorsed earlier this month by 90 members of the Senate that would bar cruel and degrading treatment of any prisoners in U.S. custody.

The proposal, which two sources said Vice President Cheney handed last Thursday to Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) in the company of CIA Director Porter J. Goss, states that the measure barring inhumane treatment shall not apply to counterterrorism operations conducted abroad or to operations conducted by "an element of the United States government" other than the Defense Department.

Awesome! So, we don't condone torture! Well, we don't condone torture on our soil, only abroad. And not by the military, certainly. The CIA, though? Ah, let'em do what they want! I'm sure they know what they're doing, right? I mean, it's not like they've ever been wrong about anything, right? Hell, they have the word "Intelligence" right there in their name! And the old CIA head won the Presidential Medal of Freedom, for crissakes! I'm sure they don't just give that out to anybody for cynical, political reasons...

Nice, classy move by draft-dodger Cheney, by the way, trying to weasel his pro-torture exemption by lobbying actual torture victim John McCain.

"This is the first time they've said explicitly that the intelligence community should be allowed to treat prisoners inhumanely," said Tom Malinowski, the Washington advocacy director for Human Rights Watch. "In the past, they've only said that the law does not forbid inhumane treatment." Now, he said, the administration is saying more concretely that it cannot be forbidden.

Quiet down, you tree-hugging, freedom-hating hippie! This administration doesn't like people pointing out the fact that they're pro-torture! They've got a car battery and a couple of alligator clips ready for you and your America-hating nutsack, Frenchie!

Here's my "favorite" part:

Cheney's meeting with McCain last week was his third attempt to persuade the lawmaker, a former prisoner of war in Vietnam, to accept a less broad legislative bar against inhumane treatment.

I don't think the intent could be any clearer if Cheney met with McCain and said, "C'mon, John! Pleeeeeeeease pleasepleasePLEASE let us torture Arabs! I'll be your best friend! Pleeeeeeease? No? WHY!? God! I HATE you! You never let me torture ANYONE!"

Well, anyway, I guess now creepy troll Lynndie England will be able to get a job when she gets out of prison. We already know she can hold a dog leash and point at genitalia like a champ, so she's more than qualified for a job at Cheney’s CIA.

Serious Thoughts About Harriet Miers

You know, I've been thinking a lot of deep, serious (and not always pure) thoughts about Harriet Miers lately. And I've come to one conclusion:

She looks like a Star Trek villain. You know, someone who would take over Kirk and Spock's minds and make them strip to the waist and fight to the death. I dunno, maybe it's just me.

There’s a Time and a Place for Wonkitude

I know, I know, it might be Fitzmas today. And I’m excited too, don’t get me wrong. But right now, there’s something under the radar that you may not have noticed.

Alan Greenspan, Bush apologist and Fed chairman, is retiring soon. (Rumor has it that Andrea Mitchell wears him out in the sack.) Bush nominated this new guy that I bet you’ve never heard of - Ben Bernanke. I was worried at first. I mean, when you think of the Michael Browns and the Harriet Mierses, the new guy was likely to have been the dude who did Bush’s taxes back when he used to drop off his receipts in a shoebox at H&R Block every April 14th.

But alas, my new favorite Slate columnist Bruce Reed uncovered an unlikely endorsement from none other than the New York Times’ wonkiest wonk Paul Krugman from January of this year.

If Mr. Bernanke were appointed directly from his current Fed position to the chairmanship, there would be general acclaim.

I guess they worked together back at Princeton, but no matter. If The Krug is into him, I’m down.

*sigh* And just like that I can no longer say, “Bush has never done a single thing right in five years.” A bit of a letdown, innit...

You Say You Want a Constitution

This weekend I heard a story on NPR about the new Iraqi constitution. Specifically, it was about the preamble. You can read the whole preamble here, but the part that really struck me was:

...and in the midst of an international support from our friends and those who love us, marched for the first time in our history toward the ballot boxes by the millions, men and women, young and old, on the thirtieth of January two thousand and five, invoking the pains of sectarian oppression sufferings inflicted by the autocratic clique and inspired by the tragedies of Iraq's martyrs, Shiite and Sunni, Arabs and Kurds and Turkmen and from all the other components of the people and recollecting the darkness of the ravage of the holy cities and the South in the Sha'abaniyya uprising and burnt by the flames of grief of the mass graves, the marshes, Al-Dujail and others and articulating the sufferings of racial oppression in the massacres of Halabcha, Barzan, Anfal and the Fayli Kurds...

After hearing this, I thought, who would put this stuff about mass graves and such into the preamble to a constitution? It would have to be someone who wanted to remind the Iraqi people, by codifying it into the very center of their legal and governmental system, of how bad things were in Iraq under Saddam, before we came in and fucked everything up even worse. Who, you ask, would want to do such a thing? I'll give you a hint: It's not the Iraqis. Sinan Antoon, the guy interviewed in the link above, gives another hint, when he compares Article 27, which establishes private property as "sacrosanct" to the rules set up by Paul Bremmer and the Provisional Authority, you know, to protect the oil wells and all.

My point is, yes, it's great that Iraq has a half-way decent constitution now. But let's not pretend like we didn't cram a bunch of our own shit into it to make sure that we don't get totally burned by the will of the Iraqi people and to protect our own interests.

What Might Have Been

Last night I saw Al Gore give a brilliant lecture on global climate change. He was funny, lively, and engaging, the exact opposite of the stiff, boring drone that the "liberal media" has portrayed him as for last 15 years or so. Of course, he didn't help that perception by running one of the most uninspired presidential campaigns in history. But I tell ya, if the guy who delivered the lecture last night had run for president in 2000, the world would be a very different place today. Some of the highlights:

• There was a brief technical difficulty with his laptop at the start of the show. A tech ran out to help him, and after a few seconds Gore muttered "You're doing a helluva job, Brownie." Thunderous applause. He then profusely apologized to the tech, saying that he hadn't meant to imply that HE was Brownie.
  
• After giving the academic version of global warming and climate change, he said "Or you might prefer this explanation." Cut to a clip from Futurama (the show his daughter used to write for) featuring animated greenhouse gas thugs beating the crap out of a series of friendly Mr. Sunbeams and piling their corpses in Earth's atmosphere.
  
• Gore showed a dramatic series of pictures of glaciers taken 30 years ago juxtaposed with pictures taken today. Um, yeah. The glaciers are now either small lakes or gone altogether.
  
• Gore showed a nice series of slides about the Bush administration's attempts to portray global warming as a controversial matter, when in fact there is an overwhelming consensus among the scientific community. He especially had fun with Phillip Cooney, an oil company lobbyist who Bush installed at the EPA. Cooney resigned after it came out that he had deleted a bunch of information about global warming from an EPA report. Cooney got a job at (I think) Exxon soon after resigning. He also took a few shots at John "Uncle Pecos" Bolton, who deleted vast swaths of data about global warming from a UN report. Wankers.
  
• Another funny moment came when he showed a picture from a conference that the George H.W. Bush administration held on the environment. It was a drawing meant to suggest that we must find a balance between economics and environmental policy. It showed a scale, with a bunch of gold bars on one side and the entire world on the other. The gold was heavier. Said Gore, "Hmmmm. Some gold bars. And the ENTIRE WORLD. Call me crazy, but I think the loss of the entire world might somewhat diminish your enjoyment of the gold bars."
  
• Finally, and I think most importantly, he talked about how even people who acknowledge the fact of global warming and climate change (i.e. intelligent people) tend to think that the problem is too big and we can't do anything about it. He then drew a comparison between the issue of CFCs and the hole in the ozone layer. At the time, everyone said "CFCs are used all over the world, there's no way we can possibly reduce their use and make a difference." Bullshit. A summit was held on the issue, policy was changed, and CFCs have been virtually eliminated, and the ozone problem has been reversed. All it takes is a commitment to change and a willingness to enact policy, like, oh, I dunno, the Kyoto Protocol, to get us back on the right track.

Maybe someday, a Democrat will run a campaign where he or she fights to win, by loudly and forcefully outlining their policy and telling everyone exactly what's at stake, rather than running a watered-down, mealy-mouthed, just-try-not-to-upset-anyone-and-meanwhile-inspire-no one campaign. When that day comes, that Democrat will win, and win big. Until then, I guess we’re stuck with the guys who scream about terrorism and divert our attention from every other important issue.

It Depends on the Definition of Independent

Joe Conason compares and contrasts Patrick Fitzgerald and Ken Starr.

Starr was appointed by Republican judges, under the dubious influence of Republican Sens. Jesse Helms and Lauch Faircloth. He had no prosecutorial experience and proved to be an inept partisan. His investigation meandered repeatedly into new areas far afield from his original brief, took nearly five years to complete, required many grand jury extensions, and cost approximately $70 million. Starr and his prosecutors leaked promiscuously to favored reporters throughout the probe, thereby ensuring favorable press coverage and inflicting political damage on their White House targets.

Fitzgerald was appointed by the Bush administration's own deputy attorney general, as noted above, at the request of the CIA director. He boasts extensive experience and success as a federal prosecutor. He is not only skilled but absolutely free of any partisan taint, having prosecuted both Republicans and Democrats in Illinois. His investigation of the CIA leak will be wrapped up after less than two years, without any grand jury extensions. His office has been remarkably free of leaks, which may help explain why he gets none of the fawning publicity that was once lavished on Starr.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

And while we’re on the topic, you should go out and rent the movie (or read the book if you’re into that sort of thing), The Hunting of the President. It’ll make you think.

Democracy for America

Do you know who Paul Hackett is? He’s the Iraq War vet who came back and ran for Congress as a Democrat in Ohio’s 2nd District, which always votes Republican by large margins. He barely lost running on a tough talk, anti-war campaign. Democrats took notice. What's that? We're allowed to stand up to these assholes? Maybe so, my spineless friends. Maybe so.

Anyway, Mr. Hackett has a message and a pledge for you to sign at Democracy for America.

Every day, more American soldiers are killed and wounded in Iraq. The violence and attacks on innocent Iraqi citizens continues to go unchecked. Billions of dollars have been spent, yet, we have no coherent exit plan.

As a Marine, I witnessed first-hand the devastation and destruction of this war. The mistruths and deception of the Bush administration have created a quagmire. That's why I signed the pledge to only send responsible leaders to Washington. And I'm asking you to do the same.

I pledge to only support candidates who:

1. Acknowledge that the U.S. was misled into the war in Iraq
   
2. Advocate for a responsible exit plan with a timeline
   
3. Support our troops both at home and abroad

It's time for leaders to step up to the plate and face the Iraq mess head-on because the situation only keeps getting worse. But, before we can fix it, Washington must first acknowledge the crisis we are in. You can help. Take a stand and sign the pledge to hold candidates accountable on the Iraq war.

www.democracyforamerica.com/iraqpledge

I served my country on the front lines in Iraq and saw the consequences of failed leadership up close. We need new leadership in Washington that will face this crisis with courage.

Join me and tens of thousands of Americans by standing up and telling Washington to start planning our exit now. Sign the pledge today:

www.democracyforamerica.com/iraqpledge

Thank you,
Paul Hackett

Go ahead and sign it. You know you want to.

Blessed Are the Rich

Right wing freakshow Neal Boortz says what everybody else is thinking.

OK, now here's the story. And it says, "The Homeland Security Department launched internal probes yesterday into whether its officials tipped off friends and relatives to a possible subway terror plot days before average New Yorkers were alerted." So the real gripe here is that it seems that some wealthy people got notified of the terror plot before the great unwashed, before the others. Now, the Daily News in New York has a headline: "Rich got terror tip." Rich got terror tip. OK, let's get logical about this, folks. Let's play logic with this. This is as it should be.

OK? If we are faced with disaster in this country -- let me ask you this, OK? You just be logical. Get all of the emotion out of this. Get all of the emotion out of this. But if we are faced with a disaster in this country, which group do we want to save? The rich or the poor? Now, if you have time, save as many people as you can. But if you have to set some priorities, where do you go? The rich or the poor? OK? Who is a drag on society? The rich or the poor? Who provide the jobs out there? The rich or the poor? Who fuels -- you know, which group fuels our economy? Drives industry? The rich or the poor?

Now if you -- all of a sudden, somebody walks up to you and says, "Hey, Boortz listener. You're gonna have a -- you have to make a choice. You're going to -- we're gonna move you to another country. And you're just gonna have to make your way in this other country. We have a choice of two countries for you. In this country, people achieve a lot and they are wealthy because of their hard work. In this country, people don't achieve squat. They sit around all the time waiting for somebody else to take care of them. They have children they can't afford. They're uneducated. They can barely read. And the high point of their day is Entertainment Tonight on TV. Which country do you want to live in? The country of the high achievers, or the country of sheep, the country of followers?" You know what you're gonna do. I don't see what the big problem is. I just don't. I mean, if you -- who do I want to save first? The rich.

Personally, I think we should save all the beautiful women between the ages of 18 and 27 first. Uggos and fatties need not apply.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Dear DoG,
How can I tell if my special prosecutor is a partisan hack on a witch hunt or if he is an honest man doing the job he was assigned to do?

Sincerely yours,
Confused in Columbus

ps – you are the funniest blog in the world!

Dear Confused,

There’s a simple test you can perform on your special prosecutor to figure out whether he’s doing the job of the American people or if he is beholden to outside interests, (e.g. – corporations, a political party for which he may have worked his whole life, his BFF in Texas, etc.). Observe the grand jury process. Is it secret (as the law specifies)? Is it free of leaks to biased and poorly written websites? Is there wild speculation about the final outcome because no one honestly has any idea whatsoever?

If the answer to each of these questions is yes, congratulations! You have an honest prosecutor doing an honest job.

If, however, there are massive leaks of titillating sexual details having no relevance to the case actually being investigated, uh oh! There’s your politically motivated witch hunt.

Happy prosecuting!

Harriet What Now?

Oh yeah, that chick. She’s all wanting to be like a judge or something? Anyway, I guess she’s all no abortions for anyone ever or some junk.

So Georgie, let’s not play that game that you can’t recall if she’s ever talked about abortion before. OK? That ship has sailed.

Poor Bill O'Reilly

Verne Gay gives Bill O’Reilly the reach around in today’s Newsday. In it we learn that crusty old O’Reilly isn’t such a tough guy after all. Inside he’s soft and squishy like a Care Bear. And he hurts.

Dear Diary – I just don’t get why those yucky jerkfaces in the liberal establishment media are so mean to me! They live in New York too, don’t they understand when you’re the most handsomest, most powerful man in all of media, it’s not such a big deal to fuck your employees? And all they do is bring it up day after day, almost a year after I gave that harpy her hush money. I had to cancel my new Lexus to pay for that! And if I hear one of those dirty hippies at the Post call me a liar one more time, I swear! I mean, they act all like facts are so important. What’s so important about facts anyway? We didn’t bother with crummy facts when we won all those awards on Inside Edition. Stupidheads. I’ve had enough of this crap. I’ll show them! I’ll just quit. Then they’ll be sorry. You won’t have O’Reilly to kick around anymore, poopyface!

Wow. I just wouldn’t have thought Bill O’Reilly would keep a diary. He seems more like a collection of hidden camera videotapes kind of guy to me.

Bum, Bum, Buuuuuuummmmm...

A senior aide to the Vice President is going to sing like a canary.

Individuals familiar with Fitzgerald’s case tell RAW STORY that John Hannah, a senior national security aide on loan to Vice President Dick Cheney from the offices of then-Under Secretary of State for Arms Control and International Security Affairs, John Bolton, was named as a target of Fitzgerald’s probe. They say he was told in recent weeks that he could face imminent indictment for his role in leaking Plame-Wilson’s name to reporters unless he cooperated with the investigation.

Others close to the probe say that if Hannah is cooperating with the special prosecutor then he was likely going to be charged as a co-conspirator and may have cut a deal.
...

To many following the case, Hannah’s involvement will not come as a surprise. Wilson pointed to Hannah as a possible leaker in his book, The Politics of Truth.

“In fact, senior advisers close to the president may well have been clever enough to have used others to do the actual leaking, in order to keep their fingerprints off the crime,” Wilson writes.

“John Hannah and David Wurmser, mid-level political appointees in the vice-president’s office, have both been suggested as sources of the leak …Mid-level officials, however, do not leak information without the authority from a higher level,” Wilson notes.

I don’t know guys, it’s not looking good. I have a prediction that I will tout repeatedly if I’m right and pretend never happened if I’m wrong: Something mind-bogglingly huge is going to come out of this. This is Watergate. Believe it.

Under Attack?

On September 24, 2005, a deadly biological agent was detected in Washington D.C. Have you heard anything about it?

On Sept. 24, 2005, tens of thousands of protesters marched past the White House and flooded the National Mall near 17th Street and Constitution Avenue. They had arrived from all over the country for a day of speeches and concerts to protest the war in Iraq. It may have been the biggest antiwar rally since Vietnam. A light rain fell early in the day and most of the afternoon was cool and overcast.

Unknown to the crowd, biological-weapons sensors, scattered for miles across Washington by the Department of Homeland Security, were quietly doing their work. The machines are designed to detect killer pathogens. Sometime between 10 a.m. on Sept. 24 and 10 a.m. on Sept. 25, six of those machines sucked in trace amounts of deadly bacteria called Francisella tularensis. The government fears it is one of six biological weapons most likely to be used against the United States.

It was an alarming reading. The biological-weapons detection system in Washington had never set off any alarms before. There are more than 150 sensors spread across 30 of the most populated cities in America. But this was the first time that six sensors in any one place had detected a toxin at the same time. The sensors are also located miles from one another, suggesting that the pathogen was airborne and probably not limited to a local environmental source.
...

"It is alarming that health officials ... were only notified six days after the bacteria was first detected," House Government Reform chairman Tom Davis, R-Va., wrote in an Oct. 3 letter to Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. "Have DHS and CDC analysts been able to determine if the pathogen detected was naturally occurring or the result of a terrorist attack?"

Government officials say the sensors detected a natural event. "There is no known nexus to terror or criminal behavior," Russ Knocke, spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security, told the Washington Post. "We believe this to be environmental." "It is not unreasonable that this is a natural occurrence," says Von Roebuck, spokesman for the CDC. "There are still no cases of tularemia."

However, Salon has spoken to numerous people who were at the Washington Mall on Sept. 24. Four say they got sick days later with symptoms that mirror tularemia.
...

A World Health Organization Committee in 1969 estimated that dispersal of 110 pounds of F. tularensis over a city of 5 million would incapacitate 250,000 people and 19,000 of them would die.

Hey, I’m not trying to freak you out or anything. We’ve got two branches of government and a number of lackeys who can do that. I’m just saying if this was a trial run that failed, maybe next time we won’t be so lucky. And it’s curious that in a culture of irresponsible news agencies who thrive on scare stories, we didn’t read about this a number of times already.

Bush's America

How much would you pay for the adventure of a lifetime?

Don’t answer yet. What if we threw in this lovely M-16 submachine gun? But wait, there’s more! You and your closest friends can endure 120 degree days and 50 degree nights with the constant worry of children wearing bomb vests and guerilla fighters lobbing grenades at your unarmored vehicle. Now how much would you pay?

But don’t answer now, what if we told you that you couldn’t leave until you were dead or seriously wounded, even after your tour of duty was over? And that’s not all. With this special one-time television offer, we can see to it that you lose a limb or possibly even one of your favorite senses! That’s right!

Act now, and for five easy payments of only $1,240 per month, you too can have the fun and adventure of learning to write with your left hand!

Operators are standing by.

The Puppet Master

Bush doesn’t like reality TV. He likes phony photo-ops where he can show off his junk or dress up like a fake cowboy on his fake ranch.

So yesterday, when Bush was gonna get real and rap with the kids who are putting their lives on the line, he made sure that no one spoke unless spoken to. In other words, the White House told everyone exactly what they were going to do and say.

A brief rehearsal ensued.

"OK, so let's just walk through this," Barber said. "Captain Kennedy, you answer the first question and you hand the mike to whom?"

"Captain Smith," Kennedy said.

"Captain. Smith? You take the mike and you hand it to whom?" she asked.

"Captain Kennedy," the soldier replied.

And so it went.

"If the question comes up about partnering — how often do we train with the Iraqi military — who does he go to?" Barber asked.

"That's going to go to Captain Pratt," one of the soldiers said.

And who says the president lives in a bubble?

No matter, it gets worse. Someone has got to keep poor Scotty McClellan in the loop.

QUESTION: How were they selected, and are their comments to the president pre-screened, any questions or anything...

MCCLELLAN: No.

QUESTION: Not at all?

MCCLELLAN: This is a back-and-forth.

Yeah. Totally. So after it comes out and the reporters get all pissy about, you know, the lying, we discover that when the going gets tough, the tough take out their frustration on old ladies.

THOMAS: It has nothing to do with -- Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

McCLELLAN: Well, you have a very different view of the war on terrorism, and I'm sure you're opposed to the broader war on terrorism. The President recognizes this requires a comprehensive strategy, and that this is a broad war, that it is not a law enforcement matter.

Terry.

TERRY MORAN: On what basis do you say Helen is opposed to the broader war on terrorism?

McCLELLAN: Well, she certainly expressed her concerns about Afghanistan and Iraq and going into those two countries. I think I can go back and pull up her comments over the course of the past couple of years.

MORAN: And speak for her, which is odd.

McCLELLAN: No, I said she may be, because certainly if you look at her comments over the course of the past couple of years, she's expressed her concerns --

THOMAS: I'm opposed to preemptive war, unprovoked preemptive war.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- she's expressed her concerns.

Yo, Scott. Helen Thomas is like a million years old and you gotta be beastin’ on her? Grow a sack, Scott. Oh yeah, and um... expressing concerns about an illegal, unnecessary, expensive, deadly and poorly-run war – that’s not treason. Your boss’ campaign to out an undercover CIA operative on the other hand...

Personal Message

I would like to take a moment to wish my good friend and avid DoG reader Sara a fantastic, happy, transcendent birthday today. Would that we could see each other more often, but alas, she has chosen a lesser "big" city in which to live. When are you going to give up on the midwest, Sara?

Happy Birthday!

The War on Low Poll Numbers

Wow.

President Bush's overall job approval rating has reached the lowest ever measured in this poll, and evaluations of his handling of Iraq, the economy and even his signature issue, terrorism, are also at all-time lows. More Americans than at any time since he took office think he does not share their priorities.

Better late than never, I guess. Just wait until Rove is indicted.

I Learned It From Watching You

Oh my God!! Bombs on the subway! Terrorist infants running mad!!!

On a day when it’s announced that Karl Rove is going to go before the grand jury for a fourth time; when Bush gives another speech invoking 9/11, and the federal government says that the intelligence is dubious – you know it’s fucking dubious.

On the other hand, Mayor Bloomberg was blowing off a mayoral debate last night. Excellent... The pupil has surpassed the master.

WWAHD?

Alexander Hamilton (that dude on the ten-dollar bill) drops his two cents on the Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court in the Federalist Papers. I guess he had a time machine or something, because he wrote this in 1788.

The President is "to nominate, and, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, to appoint ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, judges of the Supreme Court, and all other officers of the United States whose appointments are not otherwise provided for in the Constitution.
...

To what purpose then require the co-operation of the Senate? I answer, that the necessity of their concurrence would have a powerful, though, in general, a silent operation. It would be an excellent check upon a spirit of favoritism in the President, and would tend greatly to prevent the appointment of unfit characters from State prejudice, from family connection, from personal attachment, or from a view to popularity.
...

The possibility of rejection would be a strong motive to care in proposing. The danger to his own reputation, and, in the case of an elective magistrate, to his political existence, from betraying a spirit of favoritism, or an unbecoming pursuit of popularity, to the observation of a body whose opinion would have great weight in forming that of the public, could not fail to operate as a barrier to the one and to the other. He would be both ashamed and afraid to bring forward, for the most distinguished or lucrative stations, candidates who had no other merit than that of coming from the same State to which he particularly belonged, or of being in some way or other personally allied to him, or of possessing the necessary insignificance and pliancy to render them the obsequious instruments of his pleasure.
...

Though it might therefore be allowable to suppose that the Executive might occasionally influence some individuals in the Senate, yet the supposition, that he could in general purchase the integrity of the whole body, would be forced and improbable.

Oh, oops! That’s where he was mistaken.

See What Praying Can Get You?

The New York Times discovers Harriet Miers' true qualification for the high court in George Bush’s mind.

By 1979, Harriet E. Miers, then in her mid-30's, had accomplished what some people take a lifetime to achieve. She was a partner at Locke Purnell Boren Laney & Neely, one of the most prestigious law firms in the South, with an office on the 35th floor of the Republic National Bank Tower in downtown Dallas.

But she still felt something was missing in her life, and it was after a series of long discussions - rambling conversations about family and religion and other matters that typically stretched from early evening into the night - with Nathan L. Hecht, a junior colleague at the law firm, that she made a decision that many of the people around her say changed her life.

"She decided that she wanted faith to be a bigger part of her life," Justice Hecht, who now serves on the Texas Supreme Court, said in an interview. "One evening she called me to her office and said she was ready to make a commitment" to accept Jesus Christ as her savior and be born again, he said. He walked down the hallway from his office to hers, and there amid the legal briefs and court papers, Ms. Miers and Justice Hecht "prayed and talked," he said.

She was baptized not long after that, at the Valley View Christian Church.

So, she was a partner in a Texas law firm, she felt all empty inside –- go figure –- and so she “found” Jesus. Because that’s what the court needs more of – a person so lacking in critical thought that she accepts a popular book of colorful allegories as historical truth. I know someone who says “beam me up, Scotty” every time he leaves a room. Should he be on the Supreme Court too?

But fine, so she thinks Christ was crucified for our sins and literally rose from the dead. Let’s just hope she remembers one of His greatest hits.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you (falsely) because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven.

I’ve known a few of these so-called evangelicals, and they tend to not be so much with the mercy and the peacemaking.

Oh yeah, and what’s Jesus’ stance on the lottery? He didn’t strike me as much of a gambler. Hey, Peter, when you go out for more anointing oil, could you find out yesterday’s Pick 4 numbers for Me? Sweet.

Idle Thought of the Day

President Bush is fond of saying, “There is no litmus test for Supreme Court justices,” which in the first place is a blatant lie. But in any case, do you actually think Bush even knows what litmus paper is?

What Else Is Their Too Say?

Slate’s Bruce Reed found a funny line from the Post’s story about Ms. Miers this morning.

"As Bush's staff secretary, she was known to correct spelling, grammar and even punctuation errors in memos to the president. But she has no judicial experience and not much appellate experience."

Ive changed my upinion, about Herret Myers. Spling and punkchutation is way more imporant then judgy thingees. Two bad she cudent fix Bushs "nukyular" problim.

She Stole My Heart and My Cat

Yeah, so Harriet Miers, eh? Strange bird, this one. Until now, Bush had stuck to only appointing his unqualified cronies to out of the way posts like head of FEMA and Secretary of State. Now, he wants to put his undereducated, obsequious, chief lotto drawing expert on the Supreme Court. I’m of two minds about it, since you asked. Clearly, she’s unqualified. Southern Methodist University? I’m sure it’s a great school, but come on, even Bush went to Yale and Harvard. She’s never sat on a park bench, let alone a court bench. I think she can find the Supreme Court on a map, but she’s never been in its halls as had our new Chief Justice. She’s a hack. A Bush flunky. That’s bad because in other words, the only reason Bush picked her is because he knows exactly how she’ll vote on everything, which is to say on the side of corporate and government fascism and against the people.

But on the other hand, if the Senate gets bitchy about it and doesn’t approve her, I can see Crybaby Bush saying, “Fine, then. Fuck you, here’s Satan, try him on for size.”

Those on the extreme right are complaining about her, which is a good thing, but I don’t get it. Bush is a religiofascist, so she must be too. They might not have it on paper, but she is. No fear of a Souter here. And that’s what worries me. There are three types of Supreme Court justices. There are those with an ideological axe to grind, (Scalia). There are those who are intelligent, fair, deliberative analysts of the constitution and civil rights, (Souter, Stevens, Ginsburg, Breyer). And there are those who are too stupid and unqualified to do anything but be subservient to the person who appointed them or to their total BFF on the court, (Thomas). I fear that Miers is the latter. And that’s no better than a Priscilla Owen or a Janice Rogers Brown.

Why Does God Hate Sunshine?

Did you see it? Are you reading this from that other hemisphere where there are unconfirmed rumors of other countries? A creepy solar eclipse. In Burundi:

In the tiny central African nation of Burundi, residents in the capital, Bujumbura, poured water into buckets and watched the reflection of the eclipse to avoid harming their eyes.

"It looks like sunset, but it is only midday," said one observer, Thadee Ndaruvukanye. "This is a strong sign from God to show us that he is the most powerful."

Upon hearing his comments, President Bush added Mr. Ndaruvukanye to the short list of candidates to replace Harriet Miers in the White House Counsel’s office.

Compassionate Conservatism

"I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down."
-- Conservative Family Values Leader Bill Bennett

I just wanted to remind you how truly evil these people are. In the meantime, Cecelie S. Berry goes into further detail.

Cronies, Cronies, and More Cronies

Tell me, how terrifying is it that Bush appointed his good buddy (with privileges), Karen Hughes to work in the State Department? Not only is she frighteningly ignorant of the world, she apparently knows little about the United States as well. Check out this enlightening exchange that she herself recounts with an unnamed fer-ner while she was in Turkey. (Turkey is a country in the Middle East, if you’re as horrifyingly stupid as Bush’s pals).

QUESTION: Going back to the subject of the President, did anyone speak specifically about President Bush -- their feelings about him, objections to him?

UNDER SECRETARY HUGHES: I haven’t really heard a lot of that. I had one person at one lunch raise the issue of the President mentioning God in his speeches. And I asked whether he was aware that previous American presidents have also cited God, and that our Constitution cites "one nation under God." He said "well, never mind" and went on to something else. So he sort of was trying to equate that with the terrorists’ (inaudible). So I explained that I didn’t really think that was something you could equate. And he sort of dropped it and moved on. He was one of the opposition leaders in Egypt.

Do you think he said “never mind” because he knows that the word “god” appears in our Constitution a grand total of, um... let me count... yeah, zero times, and he didn’t want to embarrass her? Which is weird because as a member of BushCo, everyone knows she is incapable of shame.

Let the Hazing Begin!

Hello Chief Justice John Roberts. Goodbye civil rights.

If Anyone Deserves a Bitchslap...

Check out President Pimpdaddy.

Something Stinks in Washington

And it’s not those damned cherry blossoms. (I’m not a grouch, back off!)

No, it’s the Grand Ol’ Party. Plug your nose and read Salon’s Corruption Scorecard.

Jesus Christ, That’s a Lot of Murder

Wonkette discovers an interesting study in the London Times.

Religious belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unnecessary for a healthy society but may actually contribute to social problems.

The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.

Believers also think that religion is necessary to prevent the horror of mass masturbation too. How’s that working out?

“In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that we’re not spectacular.

Mr. Paul said that rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries. The US also suffered from “uniquely high” adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates, the study suggested.

Mr. Paul said: “The study shows that England, despite the social ills it has, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.”

He said that the disparity was even greater when the US was compared with other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.

That is quite interesting indeed. So those godless heathen (but beautiful) Scandinavians, with their gay marriage and naked midsummer celebrations, have lower abortion and sexually transmitted disease rates than we do? I wonder if that has anything to do with our faith-based sex ed classes?

Nah...

DeLay Update

I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about this a lot. In any case, stories are coming out.

DeLay's attorney Steve Brittain said DeLay was accused of a criminal conspiracy along with two associates, John Colyandro, former executive director of a Texas political action committee formed by DeLay, and Jim Ellis, who heads DeLay's national political committee.

"I have notified the speaker that I will temporarily step aside from my position as majority leader pursuant to rules of the House Republican Conference and the actions of the Travis County district attorney today," DeLay said.

Those annoying rules, eh Tom? You're the Hammer; why don't you just eliminate ethics rules?

Oh yeah...

Tom DeLay Indicted

Boy oh boy! Is your mouth watering? In Texas too. If he were a mentally handicapped minority child, he would be executed. But I guess jail time will be satisfying enough.

More information as it is made available...

Fuck You, Pay Me.

Gas is expensive, isn’t it?  It’s above $3.00/gallon.  (When I turned 16, it was $.89/gallon, and I'm not that old!) That makes sense though.  Through no fault of our own, there’s this war in the middle east.  And through no fault of our own, we got kicked in the ass by a couple of bitch hurricanes.  And by ass I mean the areas of the country where they drill for and refine petroleum, which through no fault of our own happen to smell like ass. 
 
So what do we do?  I mean these gas prices are a drain on our economy.  People are spending all their money on gas instead of on like, groceries or blue jeans or iPods, you know?  Luckily, we have a domestic policy genius in the White House.  Bush in his infinite wisdom has asked a sacrifice of us, finally.  He would like it if we could just for the love of God, stop using so much gas. It’s expensive!!
 
Meanwhile, back in the depths of hell, Exxon Mobil has recorded the highest level of profit in the history of capitalism. So I have a question for you, Americans. In a time of crisis, who should pay? The victims of disasters, the citizens of America, and by proxy, the world? Or the oil companies who are recording not just record profits for them, but the highest profits ever recorded? We know how Bush would answer who has a few friends to answer to. But what do you think? Would it be unthinkable for Bush to ask the oil companies to lower their profit margins in the interest of the U.S. economy?

For the record, I don't even have a car. I just, you know, care about America.

You Will Obey

Do you still think we live in a democratic republic?

Read this.

I Checked a Fact Once...

George W. Bush - former cokehead/boozehound now only former cokehead.

Faced with the biggest crisis of his political life, President Bush has hit the bottle again, The National Enquirer can reveal.

Bush, who said he quit drinking the morning after his 40th birthday, has started boozing amid the Katrina catastrophe.

Family sources have told how the 59-year-old president was caught by First Lady Laura downing a shot of booze at their family ranch in Crawford, Texas, when he learned of the hurricane disaster.

His worried wife yelled at him: "Stop, George."

Jesus, is that all it takes? "And cuz they gots nucular weapons, that's why we need to invade Switzerland." "Stop, George." "Yeah, heh heh... OK."

A Washington source said: "The sad fact is that he has been sneaking drinks for weeks now. Laura may have only just caught him — but the word is his drinking has been going on for a while in the capital. He's been in a pressure cooker for months.

"The war in Iraq, the loss of American lives, has deeply affected him. He takes every soldier's life personally. It has left him emotionally drained.

The result is he's taking drinks here and there, likely in private, to cope. "And now with the worst domestic crisis in his administration over Katrina, you pray his drinking doesn't go out of control."

It's not because it's in the National Enquirer that I don't believe this. I don’t believe it because I think they're just trying to be over-the-top dramatic about how much Bush "cares" about the poor people. It's bullshit.

Another source said: "A family member told me they fear George is 'falling apart.' The First Lady has been assigned the job of gatekeeper."

Is Secretary of Sobriety a cabinet level position?

And my favorite part of the story:

Age 26 in 1972, he reportedly rounded off a night's boozing with his 16-year-old brother Marvin by challenging his father to a fight.

Was his father head of the CIA at that time? W is lucky he didn't get a bullet to the back of his head when he least expected it.

Anyway, it would be pretty funny if he fell off the wagon and got all sloppy on Vladimir Putin or puked in the presidential limo. And think to the future - maybe once he's done with this whole president gig and he's got nothing to do, the paparazzi will follow him around catching him falling down and pissing himself every so often.

Wanna Have Fun?

Get yourself a TV show in Holland.

Breaking News

OK, get out your attention span hat. It might not have the cache of a blowjob, but it’s pretty serious. The first of (hopefully) many an arrest - the Bush administration’s top procurement official, David Safavian.

Safavian, 38, who oversaw $300 billion in federal procurement for President George W. Bush, quit Friday after an FBI operation alleged he obstructed an investigation and tried to finagle a government deal for a friend. He was appointed in 2004.

Yet what is most significant about Safavian's case isn't Safavian himself. It’s the fact that he was arrested -- and that emails he sent to conservative superlobbyist Jack Abramoff indicated that those on the trip knew that a trip to Scotland in 2002 was being paid for by the lobbyist.

An email sent by Safavian appears to indicate that the powerful Rep. Bob Ney (R-OH) lied when he said he was "duped" by Abramoff and lied again on financial disclosure forms when he said that a nonprofit had paid for the trip, RAW STORY has found.

What do you think? Does it go all the way to the top? To DeLay? Is Karl Rove involved? Is golf a gateway sport that always leads to corruption? Stay tuned.

And please, talk to your kids about golf. Either they learn from you or they learn out on the links.

Great Minds...

Frank Rich of the New York Times is my idol. Which makes it all the more flattering to know that he enjoys reading my work as well. I've always said to my friends - he says what I want to say, but like writes good or some junk.

Too bad next week I'll have to pay to read it.

A Man With a Plan

I watched Bush's speech last night. Did you? I wasn't going to say anything about it because I figured he wouldn't say anything. He didn't. But he still pissed me off. So to get it out of my system like salmonella:

As all of us saw on television, there is also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well. And that poverty has roots in a history of racial discrimination, which cut off generations from the opportunity of America. We have a duty to confront this poverty with bold action.

Oh, you noticed that too? Yeah, funny how they have to starve and riot to catch your attention. One (not me) might suspect that perhaps you and your party have actually served to exacerbate the racial discrimination with your policies. In fact, one (not me) might even suggest that you and your party have cynically and skillfully exploited that history to serve your own political ends.

Tonight I propose the creation of a Gulf Opportunity Zone, encompassing the region of the disaster in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. Within this zone, we should provide immediate incentives for job-creating, investment tax relief for small businesses, incentives to companies that create jobs, and loans and loan guarantees for small businesses, including minority-owned enterprises, to get them up and running again. It is entrepreneurship that creates jobs and opportunity, it is entrepreneurship that helps break the cycle of poverty and we will take the side of entrepreneurs as they lead the economic revival of the Gulf region.

Oh! Oh! BINGO! Like five minutes in - tax breaks for businesses. Who could have seen that coming? And I wonder how Bush's good friends are going to make out? Halliburton? Bechtel? Bush's old buddy Joseph Allbaugh? How about eliminating those pesky labor protections? Oh yeah. Bush truly is a man of the people.

Army Corps of Engineers will work at their side to make the flood protection system stronger than it has ever been.

Yeah. That's nice. After everybody dies, you're all, "Hey! Did you notice? New Orleans is, like, totally below sea level. Let's reinforce the levees!" A good leader... No. An adequate leader prepares for things in advance. This fool fixes his mistakes after everyone is dead. Except, you know, he doesn't, does he? This is a step up for him. Not that I expect him to actually do anything this time either...

In a time of terror threats and weapons of mass destruction, the danger to our citizens reaches much wider than a fault line or a flood plain. I consider detailed emergency planning to be a national security priority. Therefore, I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to undertake an immediate review, in cooperation with local counterparts, of emergency plans in every major city in America.

Good God. This agency just started and they already have to have a review to fix it? How useless is this group of jokers? This is what happens when you push knee-jerk legislation through after a national disaster. Think, you guys! Think!

When the federal government fails to meet such an obligation, I, as President, am responsible for the problem, and for the solution.

Yeah, that's exactly the... wait a minute... What did he just say?

When the federal government fails to meet such an obligation, I, as President, am responsible for the problem, and for the solution. So I have ordered every Cabinet secretary to participate in a comprehensive review of the government response to the hurricane.

Oh! I get it. He's taking responsibility so he can be all, "My bad! I'll take care of it. I'll buy you a new one, don't worry about it. Don't get crazy and hire any lawyers or investigators or anything." Get off my back, in other words. George W. Bush -- the only man capable of twisting taking responsibility for something into weaseling.

Poor New Orleans.

Dare We Dream?

It’s a short fourteen months away, but check it out – religious nutcase, and oh yeah, Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum is way behind his Democratic challenger in the polls.

Keepin’ It Real

Some days you feel like Nicholas Kristof and other days like the Farrelly Brothers. Today must be the latter.

Jessica Simpson, courtesy of Urban Humor.

Exploding International, The Scenes, The Sounds

They got a crazy-ass wingding going down in New York this week, and I’m not talking about Fashion Week. Every leader on this planet (and a few others, I’m told) has been shooting the shit over at the UN. I haven’t personally been privy to the deliberations, (they can beg and beg, but there’s no way in hell I’m going east of Lex), but I’m pretty sure they’re doing nothing less than saving the world.

Take this, for example. The President of the United States, noted statesman, esteemed intellectual, and highly regarded leader of the free world, passes a note (do you like how they only give him a #2 pencil? Not even one of them fancypants Office of the President pens?) to his secretary of state, or as Bush calls her - The RZA.

As you can see, and as Editor & Publisher writes, the president needs to take a shit. But the thing is, none of this is fair. We’re laughing and thinking – that Bush, he’s such a dope. He’s bored; he’s scribbling notes; he’s not paying any attention. Hell, his translator earpiece is probably playing SpongeBob cartoons. Why didn’t we just send a cardboard cutout and a ham sandwich? That’s what people are going to be thinking.

But not me. I know him. I know that his mind is a steel trap. Forever two, three steps ahead of mere mortals like you and me and Steven Seagal. As you can see, he’s asking if he may please go to the bathroom. But under that he’s written, “Do you think it would be possible…” And therein lies his master strategy – Do you think it would be possible to drop a fat load on Iran’s desk? Further investigation might reveal that President Bush had three bran muffins in the limo on the way to the party and has made numerous trips to the coffee cart since the meeting started. You see? The man has been planning “Operation Fecal Freedom” for weeks now.

The guy’s like fucking Yoda of Realpolitik! Can we, for the love of God, eliminate term limits??

In Spaghetti We Trust

As reported in Salon, an open letter to the Kansas School Board from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?

A Lie By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet

Salon's War Room found a good one today from the Roberts hearing:

ROBERTS: Senator, I was a staff lawyer. I didn't have a position.

The administration had a position, and the administration's position was the two-fold position that you set forth. First, Title IX applies. Second, it applies to the office, the admissions office...

BIDEN: Only to the office, right? It applies narrowly?

SPECTER: Now, wait a minute. Let him finish his answer, Senator Biden.

BIDEN: His answers are misleading, with all due respect.

SPECTER: Well...

(CROSSTALK)

SPECTER: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. They may be misleading, but they are his answers.

Republicans will be Republicans.

We Hardly Knew Ye

FEMA chief Michael Brown resigns. Let me guess… To spend more time with your family?

Guess Who Most of the Quotes are From

25 Mind-Numbingly Stupid Quotes About Hurricane Katrina And Its Aftermath

The CEO Administration

To put a bookend on the week, I’ve been reflecting on the Katrina disaster and what it represents. It’s such a hot topic for Democrats and others to pounce on not because they’re interested in playing a so-called “blame game.” They’re doing it because this disaster is a metaphorical microcosm of literally every problem with the Bush administration from day one. I’m certain this has been done on numerous websites and in numerous ways, but here’s my list of everything that’s wrong with these chuckleheads.

Incompetence

Cronyism – Bush hired some old chum of his who had absolutely no experience in disaster management to head up FEMA.

Unhealthy relationship with reality – As in Iraq, BushCo go on TV and talk about how great it’s going, while a split screen on CNN shows people rioting and bodies floating in the street. FEMA chief Michael "Brownie" Brown had to be told by a news anchor that evacuees were staying in the Superdome two days after they’d been showing it on every cable news channel.

Hoping for the best instead of preparing for the worst – As in Iraq, they all assumed the best case scenario about the hurricane and were flat out shocked when it didn't go as they predicted. Bush even had the gall to say, “no one expected the levees to break” despite scientists saying for years that the levees would break in anything higher than a category three storm. Papers did nine-part exposes on the levees. The truth is that everyone expected the levees to break.

Diverting resources from the people most in need to the people least in need – Bush cut taxes on the rich, while the Army Corps of Engineers was begging for more financing to reinforce the levees. Bush reduced the financing for work on the levees every year he passed a budget. Oh yeah, and he chopped FEMA down in size as well.

Ignoring the increasing disparity between the rich and the poor - Remember the hopelessly corrupt bankruptcy bill passed by congress a few months back? Remember how the Republicans were blaming most bankruptcies on ignorant slobs who run up their credit cards, buy every luxury known to man and then declare bankruptcy screwing over those helpless multinational creditors, laughing all the way to the bank? Do you want to take a guess at the sort of person who is actually prevented from declaring bankruptcy by that bill? I’ll give you a hint – many will be sleeping in the Astrodome for the next few months, and most likely in the street after that.

Corruption – Already Halliburton has gotten some sort of big money contract.

Their top priority is PR instead of doing actual work – They won’t even let journalists into the disaster area any more. Wouldn’t want the people to see the reality of bodies on the ground.

The second priority is oil – Gotta get that oil flowin’ again…

Blaming others instead of the buck stopping at the top – It was the Louisiana governor who didn’t declare a state of emergency fast enough (she did). She didn’t ask for troops fast enough (she did).

Accusing everyone else of pointing fingers instead of listening to legitimate criticism - As Jon Stewart said the other night, anyone accusing others of playing the “blame game” is probably to blame.

Intellectual and the regular kind of laziness – Not only did no one look into what sort of disaster this might end up being, the president stayed on vacation for like three days after it happened for crying out loud! Let’s not forget how he was on vacation when the famous 9/11 PDB was ignored too. Those are just the odds when you spend half the year clearing brush.

No one is ever accountable – The president is going to investigate what went wrong. This is the solution, to investigate their own mistakes. Mr. President? You have a question, me? Why, yes I do. Why did you hire my blatantly unqualified old drinking buddy to head FEMA? Who, Brownie? He’s a good man. Good enough for me. Wanna grab an O’Doul’s? Yee-haw!

Diverting our human and financial resources to our military misadventures instead of doing necessary work at home – Money and troops in Iraq instead of at home where they were needed.

The only thing Bush/Rove consider worth doing is something you can see, clearly point to, and take credit for – Why fix levees? That’s snoresville. There probably won’t be a hurricane. Now, getting rid of the estate tax, that’s something people can rally around. Take away grandma’s social security? That’ll get some points. Keep a dead woman attached to some machine? Get my private jet!!

The working class are figuratively left behind by the policies of the Bush administration and literally left behind to drown and starve in a natural disaster.

It’s horrible to have to sit here and think about everything Bush has done wrong to intensify the suffering. But it’s necessary. It’s the sort of thing that has to be said publicly to either shame him from ever letting it happen again, or god-willing to wake the American people up to the incompetent fools they’ve installed in the White House, so that the people may see to it that they don’t let it happen again.

Print it out and save it for Thanksgiving when Uncle Joe comes over and tells you how God-sent this president has been.

Recipe for Brownie

What is Martha Stewart saying on her new hour-long product placement television show? You just don’t fit in here?

Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown is being removed from his role managing Hurricane Katrina relief efforts, The Associated Press has learned.

Brown is being sent back to Washington from Baton Rouge, where he was the primary official overseeing the federal government's response to the disaster, according to two federal officials who declined to be identified before the announcement.

Is it possible that being the head of the International Arabian Horse Association doesn’t prepare you to clean up after a massive natural disaster? At least he’s used to getting fired for being ”an unmitigated, total fucking disaster.”

It’s interesting, innit – someone actually getting fired from the Bush administration for their incompetence... Oh, wait a minute. Not fired. Just put on ice for the time being. I should have known. I guess they should start engraving his medal. After all, as the president himself pointed out, he was doing a ”heck of a job."

God Bless America

What is the meaning of freedom?

Is it the government forbidding journalists from reporting the news?

Or is it telling the vice president to go fuck himself on live television? Oh yes. Watch the video at Crooks and Liars.

Perhaps this will be the new DoG paradigm. Two contrasting stories - one a terrible travesty and the other a humorous anecdote or happening. When you leave, you’re not quite sure what you’ve witnessed, but you feel a little sick to your stomach.

Censorship is Doubleplusgood

The Jeffersonian (whose girlfriend’s parents are among the Louisiana evacuees. They’re as ok as you might expect, which is to say alive, let’s wish them the best.), sent me the new Project Censored list of most overlooked (ignored) stories of the last year.

Here are the headlines, but you should read the whole thing:

1) Bush administration moves to eliminate open government.
2) Media coverage fails on Iraq: Fallujah and the civilian death toll.
3) Another year of distorted election coverage.
4) Surveillance society quietly moves in.
5) US uses tsunami to military advantage in Southeast Asia.
6) The real oil-for-food scam.
7) Journalists face unprecedented dangers to life and livelihood.
8) Iraqi farmers threatened by Bremer's mandates.
9) Iran's new oil trade system challenges US currency.
10) Mountaintop removal threatens ecosystem and economy.

What's a little coverup among friends?

Didn’t See It Coming

I’ve been over this, but this article pretty much sums up everything Bush did wrong over the last five years which when put together with last week’s events, caused thousands of unnecessary deaths.

Mr. President, it’s not your job to be perfect or to control the weather. But it is your job to protect the American people to the best of your admittedly limited ability. Your incompetence in the days following the hurricane aside, your lack of preparation and in fact your efforts to undermine all sensible steps being made to prepare is impeachable negligence.

Business as Usual

What’s been going on lately? Let’s take a quick look:

Dick Laurent is dead.

John Roberts for class president.

Firemen in New Orleans are getting bored being props in Bush’s propaganda machine instead of, you know, helping people.

Bush asks us not to play the blame game with Katrina while blaming everyone but himself.

Darth Vader goes shopping for his own Bunker Sweet Bunker.

Maynard G. Krebs goes to, like, the far out jazz club in the sky. (Betcha thought I'd make a three hour tour reference...)

An Observation

The first lady gave a press conference at a refugee camp in Lafayette, Louisiana. At one point she said, "This doesn't really look like what we're seeing on television."

It got me to thinking. As people complain more frequently about the inadequate preparation for this sort of disaster and the almost criminally slow reaction of the federal government, do you think the president is going to rely on his Iraq excuses? "We're making progress." "The news media is only focused on the terrible scenes instead of showing the one neighborhood where people aren't running around in wild packs desperately trying to steal gas and water from each other."

This Sucks

I’ll take a moment away from the snarky fun you’re used to and get preachy for a minute. It’s getting worse down there, not better. Shooting at rescue workers? Shutting down rescue operations because there are just too many clamoring people? It’s horrifying.

They need our help. Money, specifically.

Charity Navigator

It’s a little donation primer and database of charities. Don’t get scammed by assholes on the phone and you know the drill...

Also, directly:

American Red Cross
Direct Relief International

Try to chip in. Unlike 9/11, to name another tragedy, their death toll keeps rising instead of slowing down. They need stuff. A lot of stuff.

I’ll get back to the snark again soon. I promise.