Tuesday, February 28, 2006

For New Yorkers Only

It's official. Those free papers at the subway station are a fucking menace!

...the MTA announced yesterday that refuse left behind from riders has resulted in “about 15 tons more trash a day” than in 2004. Authorities noted commuter newspapers like AM New York and Metro, which are hawked outside of subway entrances, are particularly responsible in the increase in garbage, and “may be in large part to blame for a surge in track fires.”
I've been pissed off at these papers since the day they started cramming them down our throats. And I hadn't even considered the fire aspect. To start, the writing is insipid if it's not just copied verbatim from somewhere else. Second, it is clearly legalized littering. Wherever these paperpushers hang out (and trust me, you'd have a harder time finding a Starbucks), there are thousands of pieces of swirling newspaper refuse flying about. Even the people who bother to actually throw them in a trash bin -- a distinct minority -- that's quite the big pile of paper not being recycled.

But the worst part as far as I'm concerned, the dealers handing this trash out? They set up shop in the most inconvenient location they can possibly find. If they can stand such that they force a sidewalk capable of holding six people abreast into a single-file line the movement of which can be measured only in geological time, that's where they'll stand. If there is a crowded subway stop with a narrow staircase, they will stand at the top of it, shoving their garbage in each person's face, blocking the way whether you're coming or going. And where the AM New York guy goes, so goes the Metro guy five feet away.

New Yorkers, I implore you - STOP taking these handouts. Buy a newspaper. Go to the library and get a book for the subway. Print out something to read before you leave work. Subscribe to Entertainment Weekly. Anything! Just stop taking these papers and maybe, just maybe, this scourge on society will crawl back under the rock from whence it came.

Troops Don't Support the Troops

I guess when you're engaged in a life and death struggle every single day, you don't find the time to read the paper or watch Fox News or anything. Those of us with the time to pay attention to the news know that if you suggest pulling out of Iraq in any reasonable measured manner, as did decorated war veteran John Murtha, you are denounced as a traitor. He hates the troops. Clearly. The new question before us – why did we send over a group of cut-and-runners to fight Bush's War for us?

An overwhelming majority of 72% of American troops serving in Iraq think the U.S. should exit the country within the next year, and nearly one in four say the troops should leave immediately, a new Le Moyne College/Zogby International survey shows.
If you love bin Laden so much, why don't you marry him?!

Anyway, like I said, when you're dodging incoming fire every day, you don't exactly get all the news...
While 85% said the U.S. mission is mainly “to retaliate for Saddam’s role in the 9-11 attacks,” 77% said they also believe the main or a major reason for the war was “to stop Saddam from protecting al Qaeda in Iraq.”
Yikes! Alright, that's ok. How are they going to get out of bed to fight in an endless war with no hope of victory if they also knew that Bush was lying the whole time and couldn't care less whether they live or die? It would be awful depressing. It's like when your friend thinks his girlfriend is coming back to him even though you saw her shopping for a wedding cake last week. It's better to believe the delusion than face the awful truth.

Good luck to our brave men and women is uniform, regardless of whatever propaganda they choose to believe. Here's hoping that 72% of you get your wish soon.

I'm Back, Baby!

Page Six reports:

THAT fans of "Arrested Development" can relax. Word is Showtime not only picked up the canceled Fox show but also ordered 26 more episodes
Oh, how sweet it is...

Wake Up, Sleepyhead

Good morning! I made coffee, and I got pancakes a-fryin' in the kitchen. No, no, sit back and relax – you're just waking up. Take it easy for a little while.

...Mr. Bush's approval ratings back down to the lowest levels of his presidency. In the poll, 34 percent approved of how he is handling his job...
Yeah, here's the paper. I've saved a few for you as well. You might wanna have a look back and see all that you've missed.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Fuck You Pay Me

War profiteering and price gouging isn't even close to a no-no in Bush's America. Halliburton may have screwed us out of millions, but we're (you and I) gonna pay 'em anyway:

The Army has decided to reimburse a Halliburton subsidiary for nearly all of its disputed costs on a $2.41 billion no-bid contract to deliver fuel and repair oil equipment in Iraq, even though the Pentagon's own auditors had identified more than $250 million in charges as potentially excessive or unjustified.

"the contractor is not required to perform perfectly to be entitled to reimbursement," said Rhonda James, a spokeswoman for the southwestern division of the United States Army Corps of Engineers...
Is that what "losing" $250 million is called? Imperfect performance? Shit. I gotta find a new job... So what is required of them, then? How badly would they have to fuck up for us to not pay them? If they took that $250 million and dropped it at a titty bar, would they still get it reimbursed? I should try this. I should take that new helicopter service to the airport instead of a cab for my next business trip. When I turn in my receipt and they ask me about it, I'll say, hey! That money's been spent, regardless of whether I did it within company policy. You gots to pay!

Adopting Orphans? Not on My Watch!

In Ohio, they're drafting legislation to prevent gay parents from adopting children. It's about time. I mean, it's way better to have a child raised in a violent household, a series of foster homes, or living on the streets than to have two men or two women with the means to raise a child who very much want a child of their own raising that child in a loving and supportive environment. Duh.

But some ass-fucking terrorist hugger has to go and suggest this:

State Senator Robert Hagan (D-Ohio) says he will introduce legislation to ban Republican couples from adopting children. According to Hagan, "credible research'' shows that adopted children raised in GOP households are more at risk for developing "emotional problems, social stigmas, inflated egos, and alarming lack of tolerance for others they deem different than themselves and an air of overconfidence to mask their insecurities." Hagan agrees there is no scientific evidence backing his claims about Republican parents -- just, as Hagan notes, there is none backing State Representative Ron Hood's (R) bill banning gay parents from adopting. Hood claims children purportedly suffer from emotional "harm" when they are adopted by gay couples. Hagen admits he created his proposal to mock Hood's proposed ban on gay adoption in a way that people would see the "blatantly discriminatory and extremely divisive" nature of the bill. The GOP House leadership does not support Hood's proposal.
Can you believe that guy? Where does he get the balls to suggest that conservatives wouldn’t make good parents? They blindly love the president right or wrong. They know that every darkish-skinned person is plotting to destroy our freedom. And to top it all off, they probably have a number of guns in the household to protect their family and if necessary to pop a few caps in the terrorists living in the Heartland. In other words, they are true Americans.

Sunday, February 26, 2006


Olympic hockey - Sweden wins gold medal game 3-2 over Finland. Goal scorers for Sweden:

Henrik Zetterberg (NHL Team - Detroit Red Wings)
Niklas Kronwall (Detroit)
Nicklas Lidstrom (Detroit)

Way to go, Team Sweden. What a great tournament.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Too Close to the Sun?

Check out these poll numbers:

Just 17% of Americans believe Dubai Ports World should be allowed to purchase operating rights to several U.S. ports. A Rasmussen Reports survey found that 64% disagree and believe the sale should not be allowed.

For the first time ever, Americans have a slight preference for Democrats in Congress over the President on national security issues. Forty-three percent (43%) say they trust the Democrats more on this issue today while 41% prefer the President.
Welcome to the real world, my fellow Americans!

What, Me Worry?

As if I wasn't already on a crazy pessimist trip this morning, let's not overlook two other huge stories going on right now:

  • Fully aware of the extreme right-wing supreme court installed by George W. Bush, South Dakota passes an anti-abortion bill so strict there are almost no exceptions. Good news for rape babies; bad news for rape victims.

  • As if Iraq wasn't pretty bad to start with, it looks like they're on the verge of a full-scale uncontrollable civil war, as predicted by pretty much anyone with a brain and/or conscience before the war started. Not the least of whom that traitor commie bastard war hero John Murtha.
Judeo-Christian God help us.

Whose Government?

"...and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"The more people learn about the transaction that has been scrutinized and approved by my government, the more they'll be comforted..."
-- George W. Bush

"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past."
-- George Orwell

Fred Kaplan in Slate yesterday:

The latest skirmish started last December, when an independent scholar named Matthew Aid went to the National Archives to re-examine some declassified documents that he'd copied several months earlier and learned that they'd been removed from the public shelves and reclassified.

Looking into the matter further, he discovered that, over the last five years, in a program that itself has been a secret, U.S. military and intelligence agencies have reclassified 9,500 documents, constituting more than 55,000 pages, some of them dating back to World War II. And that's just so far. The program under which they've been doing this—which has never been authorized or funded by Congress—is scheduled to continue until at least March 2007.

Quite a few of the papers seem to have been reclassified only because they're embarrassing. For instance, one document reveals that, in the fall of 1950, the CIA predicted the Chinese would not intervene in the Korean War; 12 days later, they did. (Classifying, much less reclassifying documents for this purpose, if that was in fact the reason, is not just stupid but illegal. Federal law states: "No information … shall be classified in order to … prevent embarrassment of a person, organization, or agency.")
"Ignorance is strength."
-- George Orwell again.

Anything for a Buck

If any of you doubt the main thesis of Michael Moore's over-the-top yet poignant Fahrenheit 9/11 demonstrating that the Bush family will sacrifice anything to make more money, nothing makes the point more clearly than this bungled ports deal.

And if you still aren't sold on Michael Moore or perhaps have bought into Bush's preferred "If you don't like this deal then you're a racist" storyline, read Joe Conason's column this morning. The Bush family has invested heavily in Dubai. If the port deal goes through, they stand to make a mint.

All of it, everything Bush has ever done, has been to make more money for himself or his friends. Period. He doesn't care about national security. He doesn't care about gays. He doesn't care about abortion. He doesn't care about you. He sees dollar signs. His policies only serve one of two purposes – to make more money (when you start a war, you start the war profiteering), or to gain more power and influence so as to be re(?)elected, taking us back to purpose one. That's it. Name a policy and I'll walk you down the money trail.

It's called compassionate conservatism.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

That and $7.50 Will Get You a Chai Latte

A big important Shiite shrine was bombed this morning.

Top U.S. officials strongly condemned the bombing of a revered Shiite shrine Wednesday, calling it a desperate and despicable act designed to foment sectarian strife.

"Given the historic, cultural and religious importance of this shrine, this attack is a crime against humanity," the U.S. ambassador and the commander of U.S. forces in Iraq said in a joint statement. "The Shrine should be rebuilt and the United States will contribute to its reconstruction."
Yep. Right after we finish up in New Orleans. Promise.

Foxes in the Henhouse

Just to update the list of Bush cronies who left the corporate world to be appointed by the Administration to oversee their former industry – Selling Our Ports to the Terrorists edition:

Dubai Ports World acquired the port operations of the American rail company CSX in 2004 for $1.15 billion. John Snow, President Bush's treasury secretary, was chairman of CSX before joining the administration in 2003.

A senior executive of Dubai Ports World in charge of its European and Latin American port operations, David Sanborn, was named by Bush last month to head the U.S. Maritime Administration. The agency advocates for the U.S. maritime industry under the Department of Transportation.
I just don't see how they're going to weasel out of this one. It looks like congress has the votes to override a veto, and in any case, how does Bush defend this deal, which he claims to have first heard about over the weekend, but is supposed to have an extensive 45 day review period?

Uncle Pecos Speaks

I was reading Time magazine this morning when I read something that struck me. They had Ten Questions for John Bolton. One of the questions:

A: Sounds right to me.

A: It's easy to be casual about putting military people into play when their lives can be lost. You could end up with a lot of dead military people and not save a single civilian. I don't think that's a sign of success.
Do you see where I'm going with this? Do these guys even listen to what they say when they speak? Or do they just barf up whatever talking points randomly spin into place like so much refrigerator poetry?

I Got Your Bill Right Here

As we mentioned yesterday, the United Arab Emirates is close to taking over six major U.S. ports. This raised some concerns for the good men and women in congress. Even for some of the bad ones too. Together they're thinking about drafting a bill to stop it.

But guess who's on board with the Give Our Ports to the UAE Plan? George W. Bush hasn't vetoed a single bill during the five years he's been in office. From my admittedly shoddy recollection, I can remember only once where he even threatened to veto and that was to block a bill banning torture. He avoided vetoing that bill by pissing one of his signing statements all over it, declaring, "You do what you want, and I'll do what I want."

As you may have already guessed, Bush is threatening to veto this bill as well.

"This process has been extensively reviewed," Bush said. "I really don't understand why it's OK for a British company to operate our ports but not a company from the Middle East that our experts are convinced that port security is not an issue," he said.
That's OK, W. We know you're a little slow on the uptake. To start at the beginning, the UK is one of our closest allies. Blair - Tony Blair, remember him? – is often referred to as your lapdog. Remember England? Where they play that kicky sport with the round ball and the goals? Right! Now. Here's the UAE:
Two of the 9/11 hijackers were UAE nationals; the FBI concluded that money for the 9/11 attacks was moved through the UAE banking system; the Treasury Department complained that the UAE was uncooperative in helping the United States track down Osama bin Laden's bank accounts; Dubai was one of only three nations to recognize the Taliban as the legitimate government of Afghanistan; and it has been named as a "key transfer point" for shipments of nuclear components by A.Q. Khan.
Do you see the difference now?

So, by my count, Bush is for national security when it involves cramming poles up Muslim men's asses, spying on American citizens, and starting unnecessary bloody wars of choice. But he's against national security if it involves not hiring his incompetent cronies, preparing in any real way for an attack, or getting in the way of a country where ExxonMobil does a lot of business.

Remember during the campaign where a slight majority of people thought Bush was somehow better at protecting the country?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

An Olympic Observation

I love hockey. Love it. Since the Olympics started, I've been TiVoing all of the hockey coverage and watching the two or three games which I think are the most interesting. (#1 choice - USA; #2 - Sweden (4 Red Wings); #3 - Russia (have you seen the talent of these guys?); #4 - Finland or Czech Republic depending on the opponent.) The level of play is unbelievable. You have all of the best players in the world on the ice at the same time playing as though it's game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals every single game. Every moment is filled with magic.

But let's face it, sports are best when you have a horse in the race. I'm a huge Red Wings fan; can't get enough of those guys (I grew up in Detroit). So when a Wings game is on, I'm on the edge of my seat for the entire 2 1/2 hours. With these games, even though I'm enjoying the spectacle of the most talented players in the world facing off against each other, I'm finding myself less interested in the actual outcome of the games. Even during a U.S. game. Why is that? Shouldn't I be as pumped up for the USA as I am for the Wings? Even more so?

I realized what it is. Remember during the 80s, you're rooting against the evil Soviet Union? There is no CCCP anymore. Russia wears red, but it's not the same. Hell, I know all those guys, they work over here - Datsyuk, Ovechkin, Kovalchuk. They're millionaires playing in the United States. So not only is there not an evil empire to root against, the problem - we're the evil empire! The rest of the world is rooting against us, with our illegal wars, imprisoning and torturing "enemy combatants" in secret black prisons. We're the bad guys.

It makes it hard for me to find my sporting patriotism, and for that I blame George W. Bush. Thanks, Georgie, for ruining my hockey pleasure.

My only other Olympic observation is that anything that requires a judge is an exhibition in the same vein as the Westminster dog show or a flower arranging contest - not a sport. (Yes, Gen Y - the half pipe is ice dancing as far as I'm concerned.) Now, before you say, "Hey, mg, what about boxing?" Boxing is stupid too. If you're going to have two men beat the living crap out of each other, fight until you pummel the other guy unconscious and admit that your sport is a barbaric modern version of Christians in the Coliseum, or stop the Dancing with Gloves routine. In fact, boxing champs shouldn't win belts, they should get blue ribbons.

Yeah, I said it.

Shooting a Guy in the Face is not National Security

I'm a bit perplexed. President Bush claims to be interested in protecting us from terror attacks, yet he is gung-ho all about letting the United Arab Emirates have control over six of our biggest ports.

Two Republican governors are threatening legal action to block an Arab company from taking over operations in major U.S. ports and some GOP lawmakers say the deal should be closely examined.

New York Gov. George Pataki and Maryland Gov. Robert Ehrlich on Monday voiced doubts about the acquisition of a British company that has been running six U.S. ports by Dubai Ports World, a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates.

The British company, Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Co., runs major commercial operations at ports in Baltimore, Miami, New Jersey, New Orleans, New York and Philadelphia.

Critics have noted that some of the 9/11 hijackers used the UAE as an operational and financial base. In addition, they contend the UAE was an important transfer point for shipments of smuggled nuclear components sent to Iran, North Korea and Libya by a Pakistani scientist.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff made the rounds on the talk shows Sunday, asserting that the administration made certain the company agreed to certain conditions to ensure national security. He said details of those agreements were secret.

During a stop Monday in Birmingham, Ala., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said the administration had a "very extensive process" for reviewing such transactions that "takes into account matters of national security, takes into account concerns about port security."
DoG sources have provided us with a transcript of the meeting during which the "very extensive process" for reviewing such transactions took place:
U.S.: Do you have oil to sell us?
U.A.E.: Yes.
U.S.: Approved!
Don't forget to use premium when filling up your Hummer.

Hmmn... Maybe it's about time I got around to stocking up on the bottled water and duct tape.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Come Again?

Republican senator Pat Roberts has decided that he does want to keep an eye on this Bush character after all.

The chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee said Friday that he wanted the Bush administration's domestic eavesdropping program brought under the authority of a special intelligence court, a move President Bush has argued is not necessary.
But the best line is this one:
"I think it's the function and the oversight responsibility of the committee," he said, adding, "That might sound strange coming from me."
Gee, Pat, why would that sound strange coming from you? Is it because for the last five years, the Republicans in congress have completely abdicated their oversight duties? Is that why?

Friday, February 17, 2006

One Sorry Mofo

There's this guy who got shot in the face by the vice-president. He says:

"We are deeply sorry for what Vice President Cheney had to go through this week," Whittington said, appearing emotional in front of television cameras.
He's sorry?! HE'S SORRY?!! The vice-president refused to say he was sorry for shooting his maybe friend/maybe acquaintance and then going home for a drink and dinner instead of going to the hospital and this guy says he's sorry for getting shot? What a world...

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ooh! A Shiny Thing!

OK, I admit it. I'm as bad as all the people I despise who love to watch car chases and "cat gets rescued by local blind man" stories on the news. These pages have been peppered with stories about Cheney being a big man with his big gun. Sue me, it's funny.

But it turns out that other things have actually been happening in the world while we were watching the jangling keys of Cheney's shotgun.

  • New Abu Ghraib photos have been released. These are some of the very photos the U.S. government has been trying to suppress for some time now. Salon has a ghastly gallery.
  • Alito appointed his clerks and they're as right-wing as right-wing can be.
  • The White House has been pushing crazy hard on congress to learn to stop worrying and love the NSA wiretaps. And it's working.
  • Bush's first and only appointment not based on cronyism spoke to congress for the first time.
  • Congress burned Bush big time when it released its report on Hurricane Katrina.
  • A picture came out with Bush shaking an Abramoff client's hand, with Jack himself smiling politely in the background. More to come on this one.
Other things happened too, I bet.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

From My Cold Dead Hands

In the meantime, where is the NRA and all the other gun nuts on this? Shouldn't they be up in arms (no pun intended) about how safety is the number one, most important thing? Shouldn't they be railing against our Robot Overlord and his haphazard gunslingin' ways?

Shot Through the Heart and You're to Blame. You Give Love a Bad Name

Maybe there aren't as many funny headlines as I thought...

Anyway, there was a vicious interrogation of the vice-president in the liberal media today. Managing editor of Fox News, Brit Hume, gave Lord Vader an old-fashioned whuppin' in the toolshed this afternoon. Whatever. But this bit:

We'd taken a break at lunch -- go down under an old -- ancient oak tree there on the place, and have a barbecue. I had a beer at lunch. After lunch we take a break, go back to ranch headquarters. Then we took about an hour-long tour of ranch, with a ranch hand driving the vehicle, looking at game. We didn't go back into the field to hunt quail until about, oh, sometime after 3:00 p.m.
OK. Now, I'm not advocating drinking and driving or hunting or using heavy machinery -- it kills -- but ever, in the history of alcohol, has anyone who was drinking and found himself involved in an accident, ever said, "Yeah, I was totally plastered. What was I thinking getting behind the wheel?" or "...running the bandsaw?" or "...using the cider press?" Ever? Hell no! You say, "I had like one drink at the party, but that was like two hours before I left." It's the drunk driving code of honor!

I'm not saying there's any evidence, but from this guy, do I take him at his word and that's the end of it? June 20, 2005:
I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency.
Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering, HAL 9000 has some experience lying about being drunk. Yeah. Twice arrested for DWI. That means that probably a half dozen other times, the cops actually bought the whole "I only had one drink" dog and pony show.

Glug, Glug, Glug...

Here you have it. Beer was available before the "hunt." For some reason or other MSNBC removed the beer quote from their website. Why would they do that, I wonder?

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Has a Heart Attack

When Cheney heard the words "heart attack" yesterday, I'm told he grabbed his Pocket Defibrillator&trade and delivered a few volts to his own chest in a pavlovian response to the phrase. He was then relieved to find out it wasn't he who was having the heart attack, but his own best bud/target practice victim. Then he got a little nervous to discover that if the guy dies, he could actually be in a spot of trouble.

And it's interesting - yesterday morning, the White House was all laugh riot about the accident, but changed their tone once they found out that the object of Cheney's blast was back in the ICU. Oddly enough, I can't seem to find a transcript of the morning briefing, but there's this:

Q: Back to the Saturday activities, understanding that the Vice President and his entourage's primary concern was Mr. Whittington's health, and remains so, last night the late-night comics went to town; this morning you joked about orange and the Longhorns being here. To what extent is there a certain degree of relief that Mr. Whittington seems to be fine, but a bit of, perhaps, humor involved --
So, Scotty was having some fun with it, and he even had a Texas tie on to boot – and not a bola tie! But at this press conference, the administration knows (we don't) that Birdshot Collector took a turn for the worse. Scotty seems a touch more dour:
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I think Mr. Whittington remains in our thoughts and prayers. We all want to make sure that he's okay and that he gets home and he recovers fully. And that's where our focus is and that's where it will continue to be. And I think people have to make their own judgments in terms of how they go about that.
Good call. It's not as funny anymore.

No. It's still funny. Especially funny if Deadeye Dick gets hauled before a grand jury. (Settle down! Millionaire friend of Dick Cheney, remember?)

Yeah, What He Said!

Go and read this post by Glenn Greenwald at Crooks & Liars. DO IT!!!

Coulter’s appearance at the event was not, of course, a surprise; to the contrary, it was touted as an attraction beforehand by the event organizers. The remarks she made at the CPAC event have now been well-documented, and include unsurprising gems such as: ""I think our motto should be post-9-11, 'raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences’" and "If we find out someone [referring to a terrorist] is going to attack the Supreme Court next week, can't we tell Roberts, Alito, Thomas and Scalito?"

According to one of her blogging fans in attendance, 5,000 "conservatives" reverently sat there and listened to her and did nothing to indicate disapproval. To the contrary, her urging of violence against "ragheads" specifically "prompted a boisterous ovation." RightWingNutHouse reports that her speech was "well received by the audience."


There is an endless ritual routinely spawned in right-wing media crevices which then inevitably seeps into the establishment media, whereby Democrats are confronted with allegedly outrageous statements made by "fringe extremist" liberals, and demands are then made that every Democrat roll onto their backs, expose their bellies, and denounce those statements. To prove that they are decent human beings fit for respectable company and are part of the "mainstream," Democrats are frequently forced to opine on what are depicted as the extremist opinions expressed by Harry Belafonte, Michael Moore, Moveon.org, etc. etc.

For that reason, every politician attending that CPAC event – Dick Cheney, Ken Mehlman, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Bill Frist, every one of them – should be asked repeatedly wherever they go -- until they answer -- why they appeared at an event with Ann Coulter as she urged violence on "ragheads," called for terrorist attacks (again) on Supreme Court Justices, and named as her biggest moral dilemma whether she should assassinate Bill Clinton.

Have you read the article yet? Well, do it! NOW!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Seventy-Eight-Year-Old Man Peppered to Taste

I'm reading the New York Times article about the Red Hot Cheney Pepper incident. There's another oddity:

White House officials said Mr. Bush learned about the shooting accident at 7:30 p.m. Eastern time, about an hour after it happened, in a call from Andrew H. Card Jr., his chief of staff. But Mr. Bush did not find out that Mr. Cheney fired the shot until about half an hour later in a subsequent call from Karl Rove, his senior adviser and deputy chief of staff, who had called Ms. Armstrong to ask about the incident.
So, someone calls the president to tell him that someone was shot. Later, Turd Blossom calls and finds out it was the vice-president who did the deed. It has become such a habit of everyone in the White House to suppress important facts that the first caller forgot that it was the president calling instead of a Freedom of Information Act request.

Is this how our intelligence is gathered in Iraq? One source calls the Pentagon, "there are nuclear weapons somewhere in the Middle East." Some other guy – "Iraq is a country in the Middle East." From there, 2+2=11 and Maximillian is popping off on Meet the Press about mushroom clouds over New York.

These are the men in charge of our country and arguably much of the world. I just think that bears saying.

Veep Triggerman in Hunting Horror

Because I'm absolutely obsessed with the idea of the Vice-President of the United States shooting a guy in the face, I've done quite a bit of research on the topic and I'll pass the lernin' on to you...

Here are the main points of the story:

  • Cheney was "hunting" at one of those fenced in ranches where the specially bred animals sit around and wait to be slaughtered by rich old fat guys.
  • Cheney shot a guy in the face on Saturday.
  • We didn't find out until Sunday night because an eyewitness (Katherine Armstrong – the owner of the "ranch") that Cheney spoke to 90 minutes after the accident decided to break her silence at that time.
  • Ms. Armstrong called a friend at the local newspaper in Corpus Christi who wasn't there, and got some young health and fitness reporter instead. Nice break for her.
  • The White House claims that this was their intention all along. As Scotty put it: "And the Vice President felt that Mrs. Armstrong should be the first one to go out there and provide that information to the public, which she did -- and she reached out early Sunday morning to do so. ... I think we all know that once it is made public, then it's going to be news and all of you all are going to be seeking that information." That makes sense, right? Why bother contacting the press corps at the White House when some lady in Texas can call the Corpus Christi local paper? News is news, it all ends up in the same place!
  • The police came to interview Cheney on Saturday night as is standard operating procedure, but they were turned away. Might The Emperor have been piss-ass drunk? The secret service says not, but we'll never really know.
  • The Veep didn't have the proper hunting license, which is a violation of the law.
  • He was also declared at fault for the accident. "Hunter's judgment factor" was ticked off on the police report, putting the lie to Mary Matalin's claim that the old dude who got shot popped up out of nowhere. Good thing too, because something like that could have caused another heart attack.
Once again, Talking Points Memo is all over it with more detail. The most common theory to explain the delay in getting to the press was to avoid having it all across the Sunday newspapers and on the Sunday morning talk shows. I can't imagine that not to be the case. That and the fact that Dick was probably drunk and was in no shape to be talking to the press on Saturday.

So where is Cheney? How on earth does he get away with not talking with the press by now? YOU SHOT A GUY! Jesus H. Christ, what do these guys have to do?

In the meantime, read the press conference from yesterday. It's hilarious. I think McClellan feels like he got shot in the face, chest and neck. That Scotty, he's a slippery little bastard, but I'm not sure I've ever seen him slippin' and slidin' as much as during this one.

Best question in a White House press briefing ever: "Do you know whether he's taken a hunting safety course?"

Monday, February 13, 2006

I Shot Marvin in the Face

All these great (which is to say, stupid) headlines about the Veep's Human Hunt keep popping into my head. So, let's open the floor to y'all. Why don't you chime in with your favorite idea for a headline down in the comments section. You know, like a contest. A contest where the first place prize is public acknowledgment of your superior wit. And before you get all weepy that we're making fun of some guy who was blasted by his robot hunting companion, try to remember that this man is Cheney's millionaire friend. Do you really think there's much chance that Dick Cheney has a non-evil friend?

I'll start you off with another – "Say Hello to my Little Friend!"

In the meantime, Talking Points Memo has complete coverage of the incident – It's a little weird that the White House tried to cover it up. (although not that weird) Hunters say that Cheney is squarely at fault despite Mary Matalin's claims to the contrary. Why are the V.P.'s press people saying it was no big deal, the guy getting shot in the face, despite the fact that he is still in intensive care?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Simultaneous Posts

I told Judy Miller not to publish any stories before running them across my desk first. There is just no controlling that woman, I swear. We apologize to our readers for the complete lack of organization today. Just take our word that once we sort this all out, you will get the news you want the way we want you to have it.

Thank you.

Protect Me From Maximillian

Bush's cyborg bodyguard came out from the comfort of his underground lair bunker long enough to see his shadow and pump his alleged friend full of lead.

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Katharine Armstrong, the ranch's owner, said Sunday that Cheney was using a 28-guage shotgun and that Whittington was about 30 yards away when he was hit in the cheek, neck and chest.

Each of the hunters were wearing bright orange vests at the time...
Sources have told DoG that just before the "accident," the vice-president was overheard shouting, "Are you wearing a wire?!"

I Blame That Wascally Wabbit

Suuuuuuure, it was an accident:

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Harry Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was in stable condition in the intensive care unit of a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday...

Sheesh, remember when Cheney would just tell people to go fuck themselves? I hope he had a fricaseein' attorney license...

Friday, February 10, 2006

I Love My Dead Gay Son

Dan Savage has asks an interesting question in today's New York Times:

"...if anyone reading this believes that gay men can actually become ex-gay men, I have just one question for you: Would you want your daughter to marry one?"
Excellent point, Dan.

The Downside of Whackjob Religions

You know, I had sketched out a funny but really offensive commentary about this article. But then, the descriptions of the kids actually made my heart grow three sizes today. Yeah, so I'll break from tradition and pull a punch or two.

A rare, severe birth defect is on the rise in an inbred polygamous community on the Utah-Arizona border, according to a doctor who has treated many of the children.

Intermarriage among close relatives is producing children who have two copies of a recessive gene for a debilitating condition called fumarase deficiency. The enzyme irregularity causes severe mental retardation, epileptic seizures and other effects that often leaves children unable to take care of themselves.

"Ninety percent of the community is related to one side or the other," said Bistline, a former member of the sect, the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

"They claim to be the chosen people, the chosen few," Bistline said. "And their claim is they marry closely to preserve the royal bloodline, so to speak."
If you'll just indulge me for a moment, I have a message for the Mormons: Please stop fucking your cousins.

Thank you.

I Don't Know Him!

Yes, like Peter denying Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, George pretends that he ain't never hearda no Jack Abramoff. Of course, we know otherwise. We've read Jackie Boy's self-aggrandizing emails in which he brags how bestest of best friends he and W are. We are also aware of some pictures out there with Jack and George which have yet to be released.

Courtesy of the Al Franken show, you can see to your right, my left, a computer simulation (margin of error +/- 4%) of one of those pictures, with more if you follow the link.

Heckuva Job

Turns out they didn't even need to have predicted the damage that would occur because of Hurricane Katrina. Sure, it would have been nice if anyone had listened to the scientists, but a leopard doesn't change his spots, you know? Putting that aside, the New York Times reports today that the White House was told how extensive the damage was in the immediate aftermath, yet Bush still went to San Diego for a speech and played a little guitar at some fund-raiser.

"FYI from FEMA," said an e-mail message from the agency's public affairs staff describing the helicopter flight, sent Monday night at 9:27 to the chief of staff of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff and recently unearthed by investigators. Conditions, the message said, "are far more serious than media reports are currently reflecting. Finding extensive flooding and more stranded people than they had thought — also a number of fires."

Michael D. Brown, who was the director of FEMA until he resigned under pressure on Sept. 12, said in a telephone interview Thursday that he personally notified the White House of this news that night, though he declined to identify the official he spoke to.
It's not like we don't know that they're corrupt and incompetent, it's just weird to hear it from one of their own.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Manufactured Outrage

Conservatives have their panties in a twist today, this time because they don't think that we (liberals) were "civilized" enough during Coretta Scott King's funeral, particularly all the mean things that were said to Mr. Civil Rights, President Bush. Personally, I think Marty Kaplan and particularly Tom Tomorrow hit the nail on the head:

Pity the poor conservatives who hate being reminded that they’ve been on the wrong side of every civil rights struggle in our nation’s history. And in case there’s any doubt about whether these sentiments were in line with the beliefs of Mrs. King, here’s part of an interview she gave shortly before the Iraq war began:

BLITZER: Mrs. King, thank you so much for joining us. Let’s talk a little bit about the legacy of your husband. How much has the racial situation in our country improved since his death, if you believe, indeed, it has?

KING: Yes, I think it certainly has improved tremendously, but we still have much more to be done. Martin defined the evils and the injustices in our society in three areas — poverty, racism and war. And he said that we cannot solve one problem without solving the other, working to solve the other one. And I think we have remnants of all of those. We’ve made some small progress in some areas more than others, but we still very much have poverty. We still very much have racism. And we still very much have a threat of war.

BLITZER: You raised the issue earlier of war. Where do you think [your husband] would come down on the whole issue of possibly going to war with Iraq?

KING: You know, my husband always believed that there should be peaceful negotiations, and he believed in nonviolence. He was committed to it totally, and he believed that conflict should be handled through the United Nations, so strength in the United Nations, and let the United Nations take the leadership. And I believe that Martin would, if he were [alive] today — although I don’t normally speak for him, but I know what he was saying at the time of his death — is that war cannot serve any lasting good toward bringing about peace. If you use weapons of war to bring about peace, you’re going to have more war and destruction. You cannot have peaceful means — peaceful means will have to be used to bring about peaceful ends. If you use destructive means, you’re going to bring about destructive ends.
Where is it written that you are only supposed to speak in platitudes about the fragile nature of existence when you're at someone's funeral? You can laugh. You can cry. And you can most definitely talk about issues that person was interested in. One of those things at this funeral was civil rights, and guess what, Republicans? That's not so much in your wheelhouse. What did Bush expect?

Booby Trap

Bush went out of his way to cry like a baby in his SOTU that the mean-ol' Democrats and enough Republicans with a conscience wouldn't sign on to his kill social security plan. He even promised a new commission to "study" the "problem" which is Washington-speak for deader than dead.

But like a brain eating zombie rising from the grave, not only is Bush's social security privatization boondoggle alive, it's in the new budget Bush just sent to congress! (By the by - it only costs $712 billion over seven years, according to Bush's always 100% honest mathematronics.)

Shit. So I guess we gotta get back on the stick and start bitching about it all over again.

This man is a single-minded killing machine. The terrorists who attacked us were from Saudi Arabia and live in Afghanistan, Mr. President. "Yeah, we definitely gotta attack Iraq. Yeah, definitely attack Iraq." No one likes your social security plan, Mr. President, not the Senate, not the House, not the American people. "Yeah, we gotta privatize social security. Yeah. Privatize social security." You should turn on the news, Mr. President, New Orleans is completely flooded. People are dying waiting for food and water! "Wapner's on in five minutes. Yeah, definitely gotta watch Wapner."

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I Will Turn This Car Around Right Now!

The Islamic world has gone even more apeshit than usual because of some Danish cartoons. That's right, you can actually see them if you follow that link. Bring your fatwa. I dare you. I double dare you.

Yeah, I thought not.

I have no idea what the right-wing is saying or what the left-wing is saying. I don't care. All I know is that if you're freaking out because of a cartoon, then you have too much time on your hands and a decisive lack of any sense of what is important in life. I get it – it's against your religion to draw pictures of Mohammad, or Allah, or hell if I recall correctly, pretty much anyone. Well, you know what? It's not according to Christian doctrine. Many Christians wear sculptures of Christ's dying body around their necks everywhere they fucking go. That's life... or in His case, death. Whatever, you get my point. We don't have that rule and as such, we are not bound by it just because you don't like it. Maybe we'll go to your hell? Maybe we don't get your virgins or whatever. That is our punishment.

What isn't, or shouldn't be, our punishment is you firebombing embassies and killing and maiming and all that other shit. So knock it the fuck off! (Yes, I agree, that shouldn't be the Iraqi peoples' punishment either, but let's address that another time.)

I see that you're taking a different tack and punishing the infidels by publishing the most offensive "That Holocaust Was So Funny Because of All the Dead Jews" cartoons you can dream up. You know what I say? Good. Do it. It'll make you feel better, and no one gets hurt, because you know what? They're words. They're pictures. Words and pictures by ignorant people can be ignored. They can be dismissed. They can be discussed and guess what? Nobody dies.

Of course, now let's shift the audience. They're gonna publish these cartoons, people. It's now our responsibility as the so-called enlightened ones to chill the fuck out too! They're going to be obnoxious, disgusting, offensive in every possible manner. Ignore it. Let 'em do what they're gonna do. Set an example and chill the fuck out.

Got it? Good. 'Cuz I got bigger problems. I have to finish up this 666 tattoo on my neck before I can get started on my lunch of ham doused in sour cream that I need to build up my strength for tonight's all-male orgy on top of a pile of Korans Hillary Clinton pro-abortion fund-raiser tonight. Busy day...

King George

There was a hearing yesterday, and as I suspected, the president has complete and unlimited powers. So said Alberto Gonzales, albeit not under oath. (sidenote – can anyone think of any reason to not swear in someone at a hearing that isn't "because he's going to lie"? Just curious.)

Here's a partial list of implicit powers granted to Our Beloved Emperor under the Patriot Act, signed unread a week after 9/11:

  • Listen to your phone calls.
  • Read your email.
  • Break into your house.
  • Steal your stereo.
  • Watch you shower.
  • Eat your frozen dinners.
  • Delete your TiVoed episodes of The Daily Show.
  • Use up all the film in your camera.
  • Pretend to throw a ball for your dog to fetch, while actually holding it behind His back.
  • Hide your keys.
  • Hit on your daughter.
  • Set your alarm clock one hour behind so you're late for work.
  • Drink your ration of Victory Gin.
  • Spray paint "Don't Mess With Texas" on your living room wall.
  • Use your computer to order Omaha Steaks online.
  • Plant the bodies of New York Times columnists in your basement.
  • Take a crap on your couch.
  • Completely ignore the Constitution of the United States.
Like I say, it's a partial list.

Monday, February 06, 2006

American Football

Yesterday at my Super Bowl party, someone read a few poems about football. It's not as pretentious as it sounds. Really... Here is one that I had to share with you all, for no good reason other than to make you laugh on a Monday morning.

American Football
By Harold Pinter

It works.
We blew the shit out of them.

We blew the shit right back up their own ass
And out their fucking ears.

It works.
We blew the shit out of them.
They suffocated in their own shit!

Praise the Lord for all good things.

We blew them into fucking shit.
They are eating it.

Praise the Lord for all good things.

We blew their balls into shards of dust,
Into shards of fucking dust.

We did it.

Now I want you to come over here and kiss me on the mouth.
We think it's about the war, but it works either way.

Someone Needs to Stage an Intervention

So... I was watching television yesterday. I guess there was some sort of game on or something... (I think I heard rumors that one of the American footballers, Jerome someone, might be from Detroit? I'll have one of the unpaid DoG interns look into that.) In any case, I saw this Hummer commercial. I guess you gotta give Hummer credit for something – they really know their target audience, i.e. – people so rich they feel that they don’t have to give a fuck about anyone but themselves.

First it was a kid destroying his own dog's doghouse, (stealing resources from the less fortunate), building a Hummer and driving it apeshit down a mountainside nearly killing everyone in his path.

This new one sports a monster and a robot, both with the seemingly single-minded purpose of destroying a major city, who mate and spawn a Hummer (which will henceforth be known on these pages as a robot-animal hybrid). This metaphor for the Hummer is even more on the nose than the screw-the-homeless, go-fuck-yourself-if-you-don't-like-it box car derby ad. "We will rise up and destroy all living things." Great. Go General Motors!

Friday, February 03, 2006

How Much Would Jesus Pay His Slaves?

This steaming pile of hypocrisy speaks for itself.

SALT LAKE CITY -- A rehabilitation program at a church is facing allegations it forced people to work as telemarketers for 28 cents an hour under the threat they could go back to jail.

The men were sent to the program by judges or state agencies for substance abuse rehabilitation. A department report said they were paid about 28 cents an hour, but even those wages were withheld and donated to the church.
Who am I to judge? Maybe their crazy messiah guy -- Joe? Tim? -- said slavery was like totally rad or something. Freedom of religion, right?

They're Probably Creating a Whole Army of Pig Warriors

Since Bush's SOTU in which he highlighted the fast approaching danger of being overrun by mutant human animal hybrids, there has been a sudden upsurge of sightings of said mutants.

Pig Men are running rampant across this great nation.

They've even infiltrated the Department of Homeland Security.

And what do you have to feed this thing?

Lock up your daughter, no one is safe!!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Dude, I Am So Wasted

Check it. Even birds like to catch a buzz.

Experts who conducted tests on 40 songbirds found dead in Vienna say they didn't die of bird flu as initially feared, but slammed into windows after becoming intoxicated from eating fermented berries.

The birds -- whose remains were carefully examined to ensure they were not victims of avian influenza -- had livers so diseased "they looked like they were chronic alcoholics," Sonja Wehsely, a spokeswoman for Vienna's veterinary authority, told Austrian television Thursday.

All died of broken necks after slamming into windowpanes, apparently after gorging themselves on berries that had begun to rot, turning the juice inside to alcohol, Wehsely said. She said the juice probably continued to ferment as the birds digested the berries, causing them to become disoriented and fly into the panes.
Yo, I got berries. Berries, right here. Who needs berries...


So remember the one intelligent idea Bush had in the whole SOTU speech? The one about reducing our dependence on foreign oil by 75%? Well, that was a whatchamacallit...

One day after President Bush vowed to reduce America's dependence on Middle East oil by cutting imports from there 75 percent by 2025, his energy secretary and national economic advisor said Wednesday that the president didn't mean it literally.

See? It was a... metaphor? A slice of life? Pun? Vorshtein?
Asked why the president used the words ''the Middle East'' when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that ''every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands.'' The official spoke only on condition of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.

Hee hee, I'm not even going to comment on that, it's funny enough by itself.

I assume we're all agreed that all this backtracking is probably the result of some Saudi prince watching the SOTU address and calling Bush at home and saying, "Hey, Goober, what the hell?" That'll teach Bush to put the interests of the American people above the interests of his best friends in terrorist-supporting Middle-Eastern nations!

And Republican's Wonder Why People Think They're Evil?

Hint: it's stuff like this:

Republicans in the House of Representatives narrowly won passage on Wednesday of a controversial bill to trim about $39 billion from domestic spending over five years, capping a year-long push to cut health care for the poor and elderly and other programs.


The spending cuts are a high priority of conservative Republicans who want to continue cutting taxes amid huge budget deficits, which could top $400 billion this year.

"Today we can begin the process of controlling out-of-control government spending," said Rep. Jeb Hensarling of Texas, a conservative Republican.

Referring to $70 billion in proposed Republican tax cuts, Rep. Steny Hoyer, a Maryland Democrat, said, "You don't have to be much beyond sixth grade to know that's going to add to your deficits" when offset by only $39 billion in spending cuts.

So, let me make sure I understand this: the proposal here is to further cut taxes on the richest of the rich fucks in this country, and then cut health care to poor folks and old folks? Right? So, this is basically the most morally reprehensible bill to pass through the halls of Congress since... I dunno, Nixon's Puppy-kicking and Kitten-stomping Act of 1972? And it won't even come close to off-setting the cost of the tax cuts? Which means that the "need to reduce the deficit" thing is just a smoke screen, an excuse to justify the fact that they really just want to cut any program that benefits the less fortunate, right? And this is the party of morals and values, the party of Jesus and Christians and all that stuff?


To quote Max Von Sydow in Hannah and her Sisters: "If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in His name, He'd never stop throwing up. "
The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office this week said cuts to Medicaid spending would affect 13 million poor people, 20 percent of the program's participants. Many of those would be children, the CBO said.

Kid's never get sick, though, right? Right?!
The savings would include higher out-of-pocket costs for prescription drugs and other medical care for the poor.

Lonny Lefever, 53, who lives in the small town of Rosewood in western Ohio, is a Medicaid participant who was diagnosed as HIV positive in 1995.

Lefever told Reuters in a telephone interview that higher copayments on the $1,800 in life-saving prescription drugs he takes each month will erode his only source of income, Social Security disability payments.

Asked how he would cope with higher out-of-pocket costs, Lefever said: "I'll be honest with you. My thought would be to get it (money for prescription drugs) any way I could. But I don't want to go to jail." He added: "I would just hope I'd last until we got some other responsible government in position to change these laws. It's scary."

Awesome. Turn to a life of crime, or die. Yeah, keep voting based on "morals and values," everyone. It's working out great for all of us.

More on Hybrids

I guess The Island of Dr. Moreau must have been on the Fox Movie Channel the night before the SOTU speech. Let's just hope Bush doesn't see Child's Play before the next SOTU, or he'll outlaw murderous dollies.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The X-Files SOTU

I have it from inside sources that Bush was watching a creepy sci-fi marathon until late Monday night which is what inspired his bizarre new legislative initiative banning animal/human hybrids.

Naturally, there are traitors and terrorist appeasers out there who try to stop the president no matter how wise or bold his agenda. These guys even made T-Shirts.

(via Wonkette)

Does Anyone Care What the Democrats Say?

I didn't feel like watching the tepid response to the SOTU. But DoG contributor The Minority Whip did. This is her summary:

Hello! I am the new governor of Virginia and I love God. Also, I love Virginia! We are the best state and also our credit rating is outstanding.

There's a better way! Wanna borrow some money to purchase some switchgrass? No? Of course not! That is because you are competent, and you love your children, and you would never leave them in debt.

There's a better way! Here in Virginia, we have no debt! Also, we have no sad old people, no dumb children, and all the woodchips we can eat.

There's a better way! Have I mentioned lately that Virginia is awesome? Or the better way? I know: You are used to cronyism in government, but not here in super-bipartisan, way-awesome Virginia! We do things different!

There's a better way! You should demand things to be different, too. Or, hey! Just move to Virginia! It's for lovers!

There's a better way!
Sounds 'bout right.

The State of the Union is Strong

We're here. It's up and rolling… As I sit and watch them introduce so-and-so and so-and-so, we see clips of Gonzales, Rice, Cheney, and I think – Wow. Here we have, in one room, the men and women who have dedicated their very lives, sacrificed everything, with the single-minded purpose of taking over the world. And everyone just sits there smiling. I guess the senate used to smile when Caesar walked in too. But he wasn’t broadcast on network television.

9:08 - Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States.

"Hey there, Stretch. How y'doin'. Howdy. 'Scuse me. Howdy, Skipper. Howurya. Nice to see ya'. Lookin’ good, Pops. Howyadoin’. Hey! Who let that black guy in? Oh, right! Sorry, Pubes..."

9:10 - Open these envelopes later, fellas, it's the blueprint for nukin' dem pesky democrats. It comes with a secret decoder ring and x-ray glasses and everything.

9:12 - Tonight we are comforted by the hope of a glad reunion with the husband who was taken so long ago, and we are grateful for the good life of Coretta Scott King.

Oh my god, he's starting with Coretta Scott King. The gigantic balls on this guy. Sorry I let all those coloreds die in New Orleans, Mrs. King. Oops! I mean negros. Sorry.

9:13 - Every time I'm invited to this rostrum, I am humbled by the privilege and mindful of the history we have seen together.

Holy crap! He knows the definition of humble?

9:13 - But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone.

His minions are going to start using a civil tone?

9:14 - we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another. And I will do my part.

Good will and respect? Who is this? Am I being punk’d?

9:14 - We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life.

TRANSLATION: We either do it my way or we cut and run, drink pina coladas and cover our eyes saying ‘I can’t see you! I can’t see you!’ to the terrorists. I see we’ve started the civil tone and the good will already.

9:15 - So the United States of America will continue to lead.

I only wish he knew were he was going.

9:15:45 - On September the 11th, 2001

DING! 9/11 #1

9:16 - Every step toward freedom in the world makes our country safer, and so we will act boldly in freedom's cause. Far from being a hopeless dream, the advance of freedom is the great story of our time.

Mr. President, Hamas. Hamas, President George W. Bush. Have you two met?

9:17 - And we do not forget the other half -- in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea and Iran

Yeah, we didn’t forget. You did. And we’re not the president.

9:18 - They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder.

Um... First of all, they're kind of more against us for propping up the already existing heartless systems of totalitarian control already there. Cut to your BFF in Saudi Arabia as he nervously adjusts his tie. Not to mention... Secondly, totalitarian control? Nuclear weapons? Ever look in the mirror lately?

9:18 - Their aim is to seize power in Iraq and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against America and the world.

Yeah. Iraq was like, your idea. They were kind of staying away from that Hussein nut until you jumped in.

9:18 - Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. ... they have miscalculated. We love our freedom, and we will fight to keep it.

We would NEVER use fear to accomplish our political goals. Ever. Really.

9:20 - America rejects the false comfort of isolationism. We are the nation that saved liberty in Europe, and liberated death camps, and helped raise up democracies and faced down an evil empire.

I love when he usurps FDR's accomplishments as though his people don't think FDR was Satan.

9:21 - We remain on the offensive in Afghanistan

We remain on the offensive in Afghanistan?

9:21 - Second, we are continuing reconstruction efforts and helping the Iraqi government to fight corruption and build a modern economy, so all Iraqis can experience the benefits of freedom.

And who better to fight corruption than this administration?

9:22 - Cutaway to Arlen Specter applauding as a Pavlovian response to the word "freedom" but his heart just doesn't seem to be in it.

9:22 - I am confident in our plan for victory. I am confident in the will of the Iraqi people. I am confident in the skill and spirit of our military.

I'm glad he's confident. I'm glad we're winning. Whew! That stupid liberal media makes it look like one giant clusterfuck over there.

9:23 - As we make progress on the ground and Iraqi forces increasingly take the lead, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels. But those decisions will be made by our military commanders, not by politicians in Washington, D.C.

Really? That’s not what General Shinseki says.

9:24 - Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second-guessing is not a strategy.

Is that so? What’s your strategy again? Hope for the best? Hope the Iraqis will start throwing chocolates and flowers eventually? Let’s put this in terms you can understand. If you have a football team that loses all its games despite having some great players on the team, is it unpatriotic to look at the coach’s record and suggest that maybe he doesn’t have a good strategic mind? Is it hindsight to think that maybe the horrible coach shouldn’t be making decisions anymore?

9:24 - With so much in the balance, those of us in public office have a duty to speak with candor.

Cool! When's that gonna start?

9:26 - Staff Sergeant Dan Clay's wife, Lisa, and his mom and dad, Sara Jo and Bud, are with us this evening.

Now is the portion of the evening when we pick out a soldier to hide our destructive policies behind. Bush’s note to self – get a family of dead soldier to do Sammy Sosa chest thump. Make sure it's not that bitch who hangs out at the ranch blocking the driveway.

9:28 - Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change.

Wait! I want political freedom too!!

9:29 - Raising up a democracy requires the rule of law, and protection of minorities, and strong, accountable institutions that last longer than a single vote.

Accountable institutions? What's that like?

9:30 - Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own, because they will reflect the traditions of their own citizens.

TRANSLATION: The Middle Eastern people hate women. You know, like this Alito chap.

9:30 - Yet liberty is the future of every nation in the Middle East, because liberty is the right and hope of all humanity.

Except for the women. And the Jews.

9:30 - The same is true of Iran, a nation now held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people.

A small clerical elite, you say?

9:31 - America will continue to rally the world to confront these threats.

What fucking planet is he living on? Newsflash – the world hates us like cancer.

9:32 - We show compassion abroad because Americans believe in the God- given dignity and worth of a villager with HIV/AIDS,

To the villager worried about HIV - Don't have sex! Condom whatnow? Um… No – just don't have sex. That's like way super-cool with all the kids.

9:34 - 9/11 #2

9:34 - It is said that prior to the attacks of September the 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy.

He innocuously uses the phrase "our government" when referring to the body that failed to connect the dots on 9/11, omitting that it was he who was leading "our government" on 9/11.

9:34 - We now know that two of the hijackers in the United States placed telephone calls to Al Qaida operatives overseas. But we did not know about their plans until it was too late.

But we did know that they were taking flight lessons, that they didn't care about learning how to land, that bin Laden was determined to strike in the U.S. and that the world trade center was a target. But hey, who could have predicted, am I right?

9:35 - God, it's killing Alito and Roberts to not applaud their buttbuddy.

9:37 - a war that will be fought by presidents of both parties who will need steady bipartisan support from the Congress.

TRANSLATION: Do what I say or I will crush you.

9:38 - Protectionists want to escape competition, pretending that we can keep our high standard of living while walling off our economy.

The so-called protectionists just don't think it's fair that other countries allow subhuman conditions. Oh wait, I get it. He’s proposing to eliminate all the worker protections so that we can all be on a level playing field subhuman conditions-wise. Well played, Mr. President. Well played.

9:38 - We hear claims that immigrants are somehow bad for the economy, even though this economy could not function without them.

Hell, who's gonna clean the pool at the ranch, heh, heh...

9:42 - I am pleased that the members of Congress are working on earmark reform, because the federal budget has too many special interest projects. And we can tackle this problem together, if you pass the line-item veto.

Holy fucking shit, did he just suggest the line-item veto? Imperial presidency anyone? Massive smirk on that one.

9:43 - Congress did not act last year on my proposal to save Social Security...


My favorite form of applause, whether you're at a bad musical, a game with bad referees or a state of the union address – sarcastic applause.

9:47 - America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.

Um... Hello??? We've been saying that for like, I don't know, since 9/11? Didn’t you run an oil company or something? Didn’t the oil companies write your energy policy? Aren’t they like rolling in it right now thanks to your policies?

9:49 - We will also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn but from wood chips and stalks or switch grass.

Yes – let's find a way to run your Hummer on wood chips. And not so much with the corn? Is there any better proof that he's not running again? And what the hell is switch grass anyway?

We can make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past simply by increasing fuel economy. We could do it today.

9:56 - Oh my god! Did you see what just happened? Bush mentioned Alito and Roberts. Thomas starts clapping, because, you know, he’s excited that the era of women's rights is over. Breyer looks at him, and they have one of those mini-conversations – "should we stand up? I don't know. Should we? Yeah. Let's. No way. Yeah! OK!" And Breyer and Thomas break with tradition and stand up to applaud during a state of the union. Oh yeah, we have just witnessed first-hand the end of the three separate branches of government. And hey – Breyer? I thought you were one of the good guys!

I think it's Breyer. Help anyone?

9:56 - ...judges must be servants of the law and not legislate from the bench.

I’m looking to you, Breyer! Uh, Thomas, Scalia, Roberts, and Alito – you guys go right ahead. Fuck them faggots! Heh, heh, heh...

9:58 - Human life is a gift from our creator, and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale.

Unless, that is, if we can get cheap cargo pants from The Gap.

10:00 - So far, the federal government has committed $85 billion to the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. We are removing debris and repairing highways and rebuilding stronger levees. We're providing business loans and housing assistance.

Director – “cut to those black people.”

May God bless America.

Indeed. Thanks for watching. Go home.