Ow! My Balls!

Some time has passed since my uncharacteristic outburst of optimism last month. And what a fortnight it’s been, huh? With all of their hysterical outrage, you’d think that something real actually happened to the Republicans. Something as bad as being ignored and then left for dead by a criminally negligent government after an extremely destructive hurricane. Or something…

Moving on, I’m really worried about this election, DoGgers. Yes, it will be devastating for our country and for the future of this planet if the mummified remains of the ethical Senator McCain and his bird-brained Jesus-freak sidekick were to take the White House. But honestly, I’m more concerned about our democracy.

I know that these elections can bring out the hyperbole in all of us, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot. McCain was down 10 points before he picked an unknown dunderhead governor of a backwards redneck state who lies repeatedly; who considers herself above answering questions, whether they’re from the media or an independent investigation; who has a secrecy fetish and conducts state business on private email accounts; who hires her unqualified friends for jobs and strikes down with furious vengeance those who disagree or criticize her; who is proudly ignorant of foreign policy and only very recently got her passport; who wants to ban books that make Jesus cry and views science with contempt. Stop me when the list starts to sound like anyone you know.

Choosing her has made McCain competitive again, and this is from the candidate and party who would “rather win a war and lose an election.” Newsflash, Grandpa: if you die and she becomes president, we’re going to lose everything. He’s also claiming to bring “change,” right? Change from a less-intelligent clone of Bush. Right.

Which brings me to my point. People -- even the God-fearing yokels -- hate Bush now. He’s fucking radioactive. But McCain has not only selected this Bushian moron to be his running mate, but is campaigning like Karl Rove. Not even like that; he's worse! When Bush was smearing Kerry, Gore, and even McCain and his black baby back in 2000, Bush was either using surrogates to do the really dirty work or else his lies had some kind of ring of truth to them, at least in the minds of the idiots who don’t know better or never learned to read. This time around, McCain is “approving” messages that are so obviously false that even the typically agnostic media are calling them lies. Lies! Not even those euphemisms they use like “spin” or “misrepresent.” McCain is running a campaign in which facts no longer matter. Similarly, they will not put poor defenseless little Sarah-belle out there in front of all those nasty reporters with their evil questions. McCain supporters are eating that up like buckets of friend dough. If you don’t like Sarah Palin it’s because you’re an egghead elitist or you’ve prejudged Palin unfairly. Problem is we’re not prejudging. We’re judging. And it’s fair. If you would listen to the questions and her answers, or lack thereof, you too would understand the fear we feel at the prospect of a McCain/Palin White House. But for these people, simply asking a question is an evil unto itself.

If Zombie McCain can take all of Bush’s positions and claim to be about change; if they can stir up all the divisive culture issues; if they can lie every day with impunity and go on to win this election then I fear that America’s experiment with democracy is over. If Father Time and his bespectacled airhead weather girl take the White House it will mark a turning point in American electoral history – The Day the Facts Died. From that point forward, no candidate could possibly envision a winning campaign based around truth and integrity. They’ll think, President McCain sold out everything he ever valued in his career including truth and justice and played to people’s basest fears and the lowest common denominator. An intelligent, thoughtful man with integrity running an inspirational, high-minded and honest campaign got beat. Let me think – what kind of campaign should I run?

We’d better prepare ourselves for President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

You Go To Hell! You Go To Hell And You Die!

Remember Pastor John Hagee, the dude who is like super-happy God sent Hitler to totally help out the Jews? And then McCain finally said enough is enough with this douchebag?

It turns out that ex-veep candidate, ex-Democrat, ex-reasonable human being, and renowned Jew, Joe Lieberman is still BFF with Hagee.

But, as Max Blumenthal reported on Tuesday, Lieberman -- a strong supporter of Israel -- is the scheduled headliner for a July summit organized by Christians United for Israel, which Hagee founded and still chairs. On Wednesday, Lieberman confirmed that he will appear at the summit.
…

Hagee has indeed been a supporter of Israel, but that's largely because he believes the country will be the site of Armageddon, which he thinks is imminent.

Koppelman neglects to mention or assumes he implied that Hagee also believes that during said apocalypse, the Jews will either accept Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior or be cast into the fires of hell. Or as Rabbi Michael Lerner put it on Bill Moyer’s Journal:

And everyone -- all the rest of us so they're welcoming us now -- with open arms and saying, "Oh, we love the Jewish people" But they love the Jewish people literally to death because they want see those of us who stay Jews burn in hell but not -- not right away. They don't imagine it will happen right away. So there's a staged process. And this is the first stage in the process that will eventually lead either to us converting totally to Christianity or burning in hell. So it's not a really great future for the Jews that those theological people have in mind.

I just thought our pal Joey would be interested to know what Hagee really thinks of him. And it’s kind of worse than Nixon and Billy Graham really.

Redneck Wedding

I’m told this weekend is the eagerly anticipated arranged marriage between the Rove employee and the president’s daughter so that the two evil dynasties can merge into a singular unholy union. Talk about doing it old-school… Speaking of which, do you think they’ll display the blood-stained wedding sheets as it requires in the Bible? If so, you better go get your fancy stoning rocks, cuz Lord knows this doofus ain’t the first horse-rustler to trespass in that barn.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is to highlight this photo of “souvenirs” available for sale:



Specifically, the Texas shaped mock invitation. Thing is, I wouldn’t be even a little surprised if the real invitations were Texas shaped as well. One of these days I would like an answer as to why Texans are obsessed with the shape of their state. Have you ever been to Texas? Things that wouldn’t normally be associated with geography often come in the shape of the state. Clocks, bathroom signs, windows, condom wrappers, magazines, ice cream cones, chairs, dart boards. You name it. I just don’t get it. You don’t see Mainers running around with Maine shaped belt buckles, or Ohioans with Ohio shaped shoes. They don’t grow specially engineered Florida shaped oranges (although those would be quite popular). Texans have an inordinate amount of pride, not only in their state, but in the specific shape of their state. Perhaps it’s because after years of living in ignorance and avoiding critical thought, the living world frightens and confuses them. When they see a shape from their childhood, it comforts them. Like tasting Mom's chicken soup or furiously masturbating under the blanket you hope Jesus can't see through.

Wal-Mardello

A Feministing reader came across the item pictured below at her local Wal-Mart.


In case the scale is out of whack, it is a pair of panties from the junior department that says, “Who needs credit cards…” I suppose we can presume the … to be short for, “when you have a pussy.”

So at first I thought to myself, this is Wal-Mart, the savior of moral values; the place where you can’t buy Eminem and Maxim and your choice of birth control; the place where Jesus is safe to roam free and His birthday is a holiday to be declared merry - and they are encouraging pre-teens to fuck for money?

But then I thought again… This isn’t hypocritical or paradoxical at all. In fact, it makes perfect logical sense. In the Wal-Mart ethos, women are empty vessels to be used for reproduction, cooking, and house cleaning. Barefoot and pregnant, if you will. So, this tween panty isn’t about whoring it up for diamonds and rides in Ferraris. It’s preparing these young girls to understand early that the only way they are going to survive in this world is to get married, get knocked up, and get to scrubbing those tiles.

Well played, Wal-Mart. Well played…

All You Need to Know

Not for nothing, but if you ever set out for a short boat ride, a two or three hour tour say, do yourself a favor and keep an extra can of gasoline on board. That’s all I’m sayin’…

So what’s new?

FEMA has learned the lesson of Katrina. That lesson? If you hold phony scripted press conferences, you won’t get any liberal media types like Anderson Cooper asking nosy questions.

Looks like Jin is about to get killed off.

Alberto Gonzales may be in bigger trouble than we thought.

Chris Dodd’s got a pair.

Without question, Garry Kasparov is my favorite politician alive in the world today. Seriously, he’s essentially risking his life and those of his family just to fight to be allowed to lose to Putin’s handpicked successor.

This year’s World Series is thus far proving the old adage, Jesus can get you to the dance, but the devil wins you championships.

Radiohead totally rules.

Bring Out The Gimp

The Right Wing is a big tent, don't you know. Any and all are welcome. From your run of the mill "straight" guys who suck dick in airport bathrooms, to guys who rape their daughters, your attracted to 5-year-old girls types, and on down the line to the dirty, dirty BDSM bitches. And I don't just mean those who would "surprise" his wife with a trip to the slave club, bark out some orders and make her cry. The Republican party and extreme fundamentalist religious right even has room for the submissives too! Take, for example, Liberty University graduate and employee, and Jerry Falwell disciple "Reverend" Gary Aldridge and the tale of The Spanking to Die For... (Click on image below for close up.)


There's a lesson here, kids. A) Don't trust anyone who tells you not to masturbate; he's probably got a contraption in his house that would scare Satan himself. And B) If you go to your preacher/minister/teacher/senator's house - bring a parent or guardian. And pepper spray.

On the other hand, it is refreshing to see Rev. Aldridge use his moment of death to illuminate a lesson he's been teaching his whole life - Jesus cries when you have protected sex with a boy or girl your own age. As the Good Book says, condoms are only for use on the dildos you shove up your ass. Is that from Leviticus? Deuteronomy?

Lines I Wish I Wrote

From Bill Maher on The Huffington Post the other day:

Republicans sex scandals are getting to be like Iraqi car bombings. By the time you hear about one, there's been another. Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Bob Allen, Vitter, Craig...

It's like "Clue" only the answer is always "A Republican... in the washroom... with his cock."

Oh, Lord, won’t You please stop sitting around reading blogs and grant me a slice of Bill Maher’s talent?

The Great Satan

Wonkette made a nice catch, seen above, of President Bush once again pledging his undying support (and eternal soul) to the Devil at a 9/11 ceremony yesterday.

I have a simpler, more benign explanation. I think he thinks he's planning a quick escape as his alter-ego, Spider-Man.

Welcome To The Jungle

Please make note of and click on our latest What We're, Like, Totally Into Right Now&trade resident, "The Faith Between Us" blog.

As background, friend of DoG Scott Korb and his partner (in business, not in life), Peter Bebergal, have a forthcoming new book entitled The Faith Between Us: A Jew and a Catholic Search for the Meaning of God. It promises to be an interesting book, one which I am looking forward to reading. I am loathe to speak for Mr. Korb (the Catholic referred to in the subtitle), but it is always entertaining and enlightening to have a discussion about God and religion with Scott because of his unusual attitude about religion. I'll leave it to him to explain, but from my limited understanding, his belief in God is quite contrary to the man sitting in a cloud guiding creation and granting home runs to Albert Pujols idea, as described by many in the religious community.

Please enjoy a taste of their handiwork in this column. In the meantime, I apologize to Scott if I've mangled and/or embarrassingly simplified his point of view, and invite him to comment or even guest post if he would care to correct me. In any case, check out their blog and buy the book on October 30. You won't be sorry.

Eat the Fruit of Ignorance

A new museum dedicated to the fable of Creationism opened recently. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me when people are so stupid as to willfully disregard science in favor of a storybook, but I just can't help it. My favorite, and the most telling, line is this:

"I don't care how long it took to make the Grand Canyon," he tells me. "It's not how old it is that matters to me. What matters is being right with God. Darwin's theory has no God. It can't be right. I don't know if this story is truer than Darwin's theory, but I do know it's better."

Makes sense to me. If you like a particular tale better than you like the facts, then ignore the icky, confusing, brain-requiring truth.

In that light, I present to you an incomplete list of must-be-truisms that feel better than reality.

• They hate us for our freedom.
  
• The insurgents are in their last throes.
  
• Ice cream causes weight loss.
  
• Torture works.
  
• The U.S. doesn’t torture people.
  
• Saudi Arabia is our ally.
  
• Size doesn’t matter.
  
• Jesus Christ is protecting me.
  
• George W. Bush cares about me more than he cares about his corporate masters.
  
• If I’m not doing anything illegal, I don’t need my civil liberties.
  
• God hates fags.
  
• No one can tell it’s a toupee.
  
• Owning a gun protects my family.
  
• They would never interfere with voting procedures.
  
• I’m sure it’s not cancer.
  
• 9/11 had nothing to do with our foreign policy.
  
• Anyone with “Reverend” as their title must be an honest, moral human being.
  
• She’s just stuck up.
  
• We have an all-volunteer army.
  
• We're safer now than before 9/11.
  
• Other people are causing global warming, not me.
  
• There’s probably no such thing as global warming anyway.
  
• Bush will never invade Iran after the shitstorm he created in Iraq.
  
• The cab driver knows what he’s doing.

And let us not forget the granddaddy of all lies we tell ourselves; the Big Lie that precipitated the downfall of the American Empire - Bush won fair and square in 2000.

God Punishes the Wicked

Call me a monster if you like, but I’m full-on prepared to say good riddance to Jerry Falwell. Salon reminds us why:

In reference to 9/11: "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."

“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda”

“The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews”

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

Well, we’re celebrating down here today. Too bad we didn’t get to see his face when he discovered either a) there is neither a god nor an afterlife, or b) God exists, and He’s pissed at how unchristian “Reverend” Falwell has been his whole life.

See you in hell, Jerry!

(Find your own favorite Falwell quote here.)

God Bless This Post

Deadspin hits it out of the park when they say the Yankees suck!

OK, OK… That’s not what it says. It says that God Bless America is a totally overly sentimental, terribly-written song and it is fucking annoying as hell that they still play it during the seventh inning stretch at Yankee Stadium.

That said, we kind of can't stand the song "God Bless America." Putting aside the church-vs.-state discussions, [Ed. - personally, I’d prefer not to put that aside] it's just a poorly written and constructed song, sugarly, stupidly sentimental, not Irving Berlin's happiest moment as a songwriter. (He even admitted this late in his life.) All told, "America The Beautiful" is a decidedly superior song. And we really can't stand how Yankee Stadium still plays the song every seventh inning stretch; the pomp reeks of "We Are More Patriotic Than You Are" self-congratulation.

Oh, and also, you're not allowed to leave your seat while the song's on.

This in addition to the Yankees epitomizing exactly what’s wrong with baseball and the fact that they let you smoke at Shea but don’t at Yankee Stadium explains why I prefer the Mets and will never attend another game in the Bronx, even when my beloved Tigers come to town.

Gay Voodoo Limbo Tango and Wango Dance

What happens when the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff says homosexuality is immoral and should not be accepted? It encourages our Army recruiters to write to people like this:

YOU GO BACK TO AFRICA AND DO YOUR GAY VOODOO LIMBO TANGO AND WANGO DANCE AND JUMP AROUND AND PRANCE AND RUN ALL OVER THE PLACE HALF NAKED THERE AND PRACTICE YOUR GAY MORALS OVER THERE THAT'S WHERE YOU BELONG.

*breath*

YOU NEED TO CHECK YOUR SPELLING SO ARE THE ONE WHO SO ILLITERATE. OBVIOUSLY YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND IF YOU ARE GAY YOU ARE OUT OF THE MILITARY YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED. SO WHATS THE BIG ISSUE HERE. YOU ARE UPSET YOU DO NOT QUALIFY.

*breath*

It goes on like that. Check it out, it's good for a laugh. You see, this recruiter was trolling resume websites and ran across a young man who was not interested in the military precisely because he was gay. Well... he probably wasn't all that interested otherwise. In any case, she found him, found out he was gay, and all hell broke loose. Those are the recruiters caps by the way. And her (lack of) punctuation as well.

ANYWAYS I WONT HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN SINCE YOU ARE BLOCKED. SO BYE
ADOIS
GOODBYE

Funny thing about the devil. Sometimes he gives you immoral choices like choosing to love another human being, and sometimes he gives you the option of sending racist, homophobic emails on the government's dime. Cagey fella, that one.

You Can Go With This, Or You Can Go With That

God is a black, sad sack poon-hound who likes to fuck Jews. For some reason, this doesn’t sit well with the Christian Right.

Speaking of Jews and sad sacks, Joe Lieberman (Douchebag Party - CT) whole-heartedly endorses the moneyman behind the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth in his nomination for ambassador in exchange for a handful of magic beans and $21,000 despite not being a member of the nominating committee, enraging actual committee member John Kerry.

Speaking of poon-hounds, Newt Gingrich finally comes clean on all the whoring he was doing in his spare time during the Whitewater Witch Hunt explaining, “If I’ve learned one thing after years and years of cheating on my many wives - keep the DNA off the dress and out of the baby chute.” He went on to advise taking a shower afterwards and coming up with a detailed but pedestrian lie for the ol’ ball and chain. But not too detailed - that’s how they getcha. Newt’s book, Extra-Marital Affairs and Foreign Policy: How My Penis Ended the Cold War comes out in the fall.

Speaking of DNA, the FBI knows what you’re buying, selling, eating, drinking, and thinking. Old news. New news - the FBI’s inspector general says it’s like, way fucking illegal, man. And half the time, the FBI agents are only trolling through your thoughts and possessions for gift ideas for their kids.

Cured!

Good news, Jesus freaks and homophobes! Our favorite gay hypocrite and meth junkie is now all man, baby! Fathers, lock up your daughters!

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

There’s nothing like five men sitting around behind closed doors for days on end to quell the urge to suck dick. I’m completely confident that this will work perfectly, and they have cast those faggoty demons back to hell. Let’s face it, these heteroversions never fail.

Redneck Bullshit

I found this article on Deadspin of all places. In Georgia, a 20 year old man (kid) is serving a 10 year sentence without possibility of parole because of an uptight, bullshit, religious, hypocrisy-laden, judgmental archaic law. When he was 17, he participated in oral sex with a 15 year old girl. The law says it’s ok (not “ok,” but not a felony) to have natural, God-approved, heterosexual penis-in-vagina sex if the kids are within three years of each other. But if anyone wanders downtown, it’s off to the fucking slammer.

When he was a senior in high school, he received oral sex from a 10th grader. He was 17. She was 15. Everyone, including the girl and the prosecution, agreed she initiated the act. But because of an archaic Georgia law, it was a misdemeanor for teenagers less than three years apart to have sexual intercourse, but a felony for the same kids to have oral sex.

Oh, and it gets worse.

Afterward, the state legislature changed the law to include an oral sex clause, but that doesn't help Wilson. In yet another baffling twist, the law was written to not apply to cases retroactively…

Read for yourself, but prepare to feel outraged. Unless, of course, you are one of the judgmental assholes who is frightened and disgusted by sex and feel the need to impose your will on others. In which case, I guess you win this round. Cheers!

War on the Message of Christmas?

Another friend of DoG is making headlines. Enjoy this column by Scott Korb and Leon Morris about the lack of Christ in Christmas, particularly among its self-appointed warriors.

They've got a book coming out someday; stay tuned for the plug.

Give Peace Wreath a Chance

Some defensive right-wing homeowners’ association overlords board members in Denver declared a wreath shaped like a peace symbol to be a crime against Christmas and imposed a $25/day fine on its displayers last week.

Well, peace won -- this time -- and the board members resigned. Inside sources tell us the allegedly Christian board members were handed a bible and were shocked to discover that when Christmas was first invented, it wasn’t to feed the engine of soul-sucking mass consumerism, but in fact to celebrate the birth of a noted hippy peace activist.

They may have capitulated in this instance but on their way home from their final board meeting, they drew the line at a ghastly tune on the radio in which herald angels declare peace on earth and a merciful God reconciles with sinners. “Not while I’m around, He’s not!” and immediately proceeded to the nearest Christian book store to buy the hottest video game in red state America so they could “waste some heathens.”

Reverse Missionaries

Through Wonkette, I came across this hilarious story about a poor Polish exchange student who came to North Carolina for a year, only to find out that his host family was drunk on the Jesus. They forced him to go to church at 6 in the morning, forbade him coffee, declared that the devil lived in his heart because he liked wine (didn’t Jesus like wine?), and so on.

Oh, and they were just using him to help them open a church in Krakow in the first place. How Christlike. God, I love examples of the hypocrisy and cruelty of Christians. It’s like crucifying fish in a barrel.

What? No Reach Around?

Don’t you love the poetic justice of an evil motherfucker brought down by the very thing that makes him evil? Maybe you have spent your life judging others’ vices, when it turns out you spend weekends at a time gambling away millions. Or perhaps you enjoy talking about the sanctity of marriage, but then run off with your 23 year old mistress leaving your cancer-stricken wife to fend for herself, alone in the hospital. Maybe you run a presidential campaign based on compassion and preside over the most sadistic administration in American history.

Or maybe, just maybe, you are a messianic figure with tens of thousands of zealous vassals in the movement to wipe those dirty faggots off the face of the earth and it turns out that you’ve been taking it up the ass on a regular basis for some time now.

Ted Haggard, seen to your right demonstrating how he likes to receive his creamy white prize, is an evangelical leader who just happens to be the cowboy-boot wearin’, brush clearin’, manly sort of religonut who gets the president’s ear. So much so that they had a weekly conference call to coordinate their attack on people’s civil rights. I’m guessing Bush won’t be taking those calls no more.

Michael Forest Jones, 49, of Denver alleges he had sex on a monthly basis with Haggard over three years. Jones claimed Haggard used the name "Art," admitted he was married and used meth before the two had sex.
...

Late Thursday, The Associated Press reported that the acting senior pastor at New Life, Ross Parsley, told KKTV-TV of Colorado Springs that Haggard admitted some of the accusations were true, but Parsley didn't elaborate.

The timing of the disclosure has stirred controversy, coming days before Colorado voters will decide on two measures related to gay rights and marriage. Haggard is a chief supporter of Amendment 43, which would define marriage as only between a man and a woman, and he has taken no position on Referendum I, which would grant domestic- partnership rights to same-sex couples.

Haggard is unquestionably a national figure. Since founding New Life Church in his basement in the 1980s, the son of an Indiana veterinarian has ascended the ranks of evangelical leaders, taking part in White House conference calls, counseling foreign leaders and being named by Time magazine as one of the nation's 25 most influential evangelicals.
...

They met at least once a month at Jones' Denver apartment, and Haggard paid cash, Jones said. "He was very nice and very soft-spoken," Jones said. "We never talked about anything heavy-duty."

Jones alleged Haggard snorted a small amount of methamphetamine that he brought with him at least a dozen times to enhance the sexual pleasure.

Oh well. Just leave your career on the nightstand and sneak back home to your beard and kids…

What a minute, maybe he’s not a hypocrite at all! Maybe he just has a problem with alcohol! Stay tuned...