The Puppet Master

Bush doesn’t like reality TV. He likes phony photo-ops where he can show off his junk or dress up like a fake cowboy on his fake ranch.

So yesterday, when Bush was gonna get real and rap with the kids who are putting their lives on the line, he made sure that no one spoke unless spoken to. In other words, the White House told everyone exactly what they were going to do and say.

A brief rehearsal ensued.

"OK, so let's just walk through this," Barber said. "Captain Kennedy, you answer the first question and you hand the mike to whom?"

"Captain Smith," Kennedy said.

"Captain. Smith? You take the mike and you hand it to whom?" she asked.

"Captain Kennedy," the soldier replied.

And so it went.

"If the question comes up about partnering — how often do we train with the Iraqi military — who does he go to?" Barber asked.

"That's going to go to Captain Pratt," one of the soldiers said.

And who says the president lives in a bubble?

No matter, it gets worse. Someone has got to keep poor Scotty McClellan in the loop.

QUESTION: How were they selected, and are their comments to the president pre-screened, any questions or anything...

MCCLELLAN: No.

QUESTION: Not at all?

MCCLELLAN: This is a back-and-forth.

Yeah. Totally. So after it comes out and the reporters get all pissy about, you know, the lying, we discover that when the going gets tough, the tough take out their frustration on old ladies.

THOMAS: It has nothing to do with -- Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

McCLELLAN: Well, you have a very different view of the war on terrorism, and I'm sure you're opposed to the broader war on terrorism. The President recognizes this requires a comprehensive strategy, and that this is a broad war, that it is not a law enforcement matter.

Terry.

TERRY MORAN: On what basis do you say Helen is opposed to the broader war on terrorism?

McCLELLAN: Well, she certainly expressed her concerns about Afghanistan and Iraq and going into those two countries. I think I can go back and pull up her comments over the course of the past couple of years.

MORAN: And speak for her, which is odd.

McCLELLAN: No, I said she may be, because certainly if you look at her comments over the course of the past couple of years, she's expressed her concerns --

THOMAS: I'm opposed to preemptive war, unprovoked preemptive war.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- she's expressed her concerns.

Yo, Scott. Helen Thomas is like a million years old and you gotta be beastin’ on her? Grow a sack, Scott. Oh yeah, and um... expressing concerns about an illegal, unnecessary, expensive, deadly and poorly-run war – that’s not treason. Your boss’ campaign to out an undercover CIA operative on the other hand...