Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Where Is Everybody?

My friend was down in New Orleans last week. He and his friends went down with the intention of getting their drink on, but his friends who still live in the area insisted he visit the disaster areas. He was moved by the experience, and so was I.
Check it out.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

When the Title of Your Book is Your Job Description

The new pastry chef for the White House, Bill Yosses, has one credit Laura neglected to mention. Yeah, he wrote the book pictured to your right. It's not a joke.

Courtesy of This Modern World...

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Baghdad Meets Sundance

As loyal DoGgers hanging on my every suggestion, you've no doubt been keeping up with Whitney's adventures at Sundance by clicking on the What We're, Like, Totally Into Right Now&trade link to your left. While the updates have been engaging and fun, mostly involving her latest run-in with Paul Rudd or Dwight from The Office or longtime crushee Barry Zito, sometimes Entertainment Weekly's interests cross paths with ours here at DoG.

There's a documentary at Sundance this year called No End in Sight. I'll let people more talented than me explain:

On May 1, 2003, President Bush declared an end to combat in Iraq. More than three years later, 3,000 American soldiers and an estimated 790,000 civilians are dead, and Iraq still burns. What happened? The first film to examine comprehensively how the Bush administration constructed the Iraq war and subsequent occupation, No End in Sight exposes a chain of critical errors, denial, and incompetence that has galvanized a violent quagmire.
Whitney sat down with the director Charles Ferguson, Brookings Fellow and MIT grad -- no peacenik -- for a serious interview. And it's a good one. Check it out.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Redneck Bullshit

I found this article on Deadspin of all places. In Georgia, a 20 year old man (kid) is serving a 10 year sentence without possibility of parole because of an uptight, bullshit, religious, hypocrisy-laden, judgmental archaic law. When he was 17, he participated in oral sex with a 15 year old girl. The law says it’s ok (not “ok,” but not a felony) to have natural, God-approved, heterosexual penis-in-vagina sex if the kids are within three years of each other. But if anyone wanders downtown, it’s off to the fucking slammer.

When he was a senior in high school, he received oral sex from a 10th grader. He was 17. She was 15. Everyone, including the girl and the prosecution, agreed she initiated the act. But because of an archaic Georgia law, it was a misdemeanor for teenagers less than three years apart to have sexual intercourse, but a felony for the same kids to have oral sex.
Oh, and it gets worse.
Afterward, the state legislature changed the law to include an oral sex clause, but that doesn't help Wilson. In yet another baffling twist, the law was written to not apply to cases retroactively…
Read for yourself, but prepare to feel outraged. Unless, of course, you are one of the judgmental assholes who is frightened and disgusted by sex and feel the need to impose your will on others. In which case, I guess you win this round. Cheers!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The State of the Union is Strong

Good to know, eh? It’s funny, actually, because he saved that until the end. Until, you know, he had the initially hostile audience in the palm of his hand, then laid that applause line on the table and the crowd erupted like face-painting Rangers fans seeing the game winner in overtime. Oh yes, Bush is the puppetmaster.

Anyway… the speech last night was pretty boring. I wrote up a minute-by-minute, but trust me, you’ll prefer my pithy observations. Bush started the night embarrassing himself fawning over “Madame” Speaker, and without even a tinge of sarcasm spoke of it being his honor to be alongside her. He went on to congratulate the Democratic party for their victory in November. One problem with that. He said, “Some in this chamber are new to the House and the Senate -- and I congratulate the Democrat majority.” Even when he’s trying to pretend to be humble, he can’t stop his assholishness. The use of the word “Democrat” instead of “Democratic” is a right-wing slur used intentionally to get under Democrats' skin. And if you don’t believe me, read this piece by Hendrik Hertzberg. I also find it interesting that CBS felt the need to change it to Democratic in their transcript. What else does CBS touch up for him?

What else happened?

  • We are going to need Harrison Ford to go to Nancy Pelosi’s office and perform one of his replicant tests. She was blinking as though the force of her blinks could be harvested as an alternative energy source.
  • Some domestic initiatives. Some he might have cared about (“fix” Social Security and Medicare, vouchers for kids to go to religious schools and abandon public schools altogether), some he most likely didn’t (balance the budget). And some interesting ones like a tax break for payroll taxes to help with health care costs. Payroll taxes are for working people, not rich fucks. Someone must have screwed up. He’s all over the place with his immigration stuff. It's the same old stuff, but this time it might get passed.
  • Two things I liked – he wants to make earmarks public. I know he has his own reasons for wanting this, but I’m still for it. And then he moved into energy policy. I don’t know the details, but he wants to increase fuel economy and diversify our energy sources. I doubt he’ll fight for anything like that, but it’s nice to hear some stuff you agree with for the first time in six years.
  • Then it goes “war, war, September the 11th, war, war, extremists, war, democracy, have patience with the plan and support the troops!” So you know, everybody has no choice but to stand and applaud. It goes on like that for a while until…
  • The heroes in the audience section. My favorite? The Subway Hero who raised his hands like Eva Peron on the balcony (pictured above), and blew kisses to President Bush like Sammy Sosa to Jesus Christ. It was something. Also Dikembe Mutombo was sitting next to Laura… I know!
Anyway, that was about it. Jim Webb gave a pretty moving speech afterwards as the Democratic response, saying that Bush’s war is one big clusterfuck and he can’t be trusted to get us out. I liked it.

Then I watched Veronica Mars. Anyone have any thoughts to share?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

True Modern Day Heroes

I’m not kidding. I would kiss this flight crew on the mouth.

Flight attendants often deal with obnoxious passengers who won't listen to instructions by kicking them off the plane. But a Massachusetts couple think AirTran Airways went overboard by treating their crying 3-year-old daughter in much the same way.

Julie and Gerry Kulesza and daughter Elly were removed from the flight when the girl refused to take her seat before takeoff, airline officials said Tuesday. But her parents said they just needed a little more time to calm her down.
It is about fucking time that someone stood up to the fami-stapo!! These days children are coddled more and more and more; they are never taught boundaries by their parents; they never learn the difference between home voice and public voice. So the kids grow up never learning that it’s not ok to scream and shout in a public place. And we as a society look the other way because it’s so doggone hard to raise kids these days. This is true. And because I don’t want to deal with the screaming and whining and crying is why I don’t have children. So why should I be subjected to that torture just because at times I need to interact with the rest of humanity?

Parents grow numb to their own children’s demonic behavior so they don’t notice (or care) how fucking annoying a kid kicking your seat or screeching at the top of its lungs can be. It is time that we stand up to them and say, “Hey! You! You raised a fucking brat! Shut it up, or I’ll do it for you!”

And for the last time, when you become a parent, that means you make sacrifices. You can’t go out drinking all night anymore. You can't spend all your money on xBox games living on a diet of Ramen noodles and Mountain Dew. And if your kid can’t shut up and sit tight, then you have to sacrifice air travel. Life is about choices. You made your choice to have children. Now deal with the consequences. We shouldn’t have to be the ones to suffer for your choice.

Does AirTran fly to New York? They’re my new favorite.

You Say Potato, I Say Terrorist

The Republicans and their goons in the “liberal” media don’t even bother to pretend like they have standards or ethics or even a passing interest in facts anymore. This time, Fox News and Fox’s slightly literate half-brother the New York Post ran with a story about Senator Obama being in some wacky Islamic madrassa when he was a kid.

Problem? It took CNN like two seconds to figure out it was bullshit.

But see, that doesn’t matter. Fox and the Post, not being journalistic entities, but in fact paid propagandists for the Bush Administration don’t care what’s not true. They just want the impression of something. They don’t need to demonstrate facts to their redneck, mouth-breathing audience. They just need to float ideas out there for a while and let the fucktards run with their own ignorance. Fucktards like this:

One Fox News caller questioned whether Obama’s schooling means that “maybe he doesn’t consider terrorists the enemy.” Fox anchor Brian Kilmeade responded, “Well, we’ll see about that.”
Christ, this is going to be a long two years. But hey! The penultimate Bush SOTU tonight! Think about it…

Friday, January 19, 2007

Papa Bear

Did you watch the O’Reilly/Colbert smackdown last night? I enjoyed it. Click below for clips. When I find the entire videos, I'll post them instead. Check back...

UPDATE: Got the full clips.

Colbert on O'Reilly:

O'Reilly on Colbert:

A True Man of the People

I apologize for harping on this. Despite my harsh words yesterday, I honestly do understand that this is an issue that matters only to the 174,000 of us who went a week without power. I do.

However when Michael Bloomberg, the landslide winning, crossover appealing non-presidential candidate chimes in on the blackout, it becomes at least of some interest to others, doesn’t it? It will when you read what he said:

“If you want lousy electrical service, you keep trying to drive Con Ed, Burke out of office,” said Bloomberg. “And then you won't have as good people, and they won't do as good a job.”

Bloomberg defended Burke, a day after the state's Public Service Commission issued a harsh preliminary report on Con Ed, blaming the power company for last July's devastating blackout in Northwest Queens.

The mayor said he had not read the findings, yet, but described the Con Ed boss as competent and hard working, words similar to the ones he used in July during the middle of the power outage.

“If you want to fine Con Ed, just go to your electric bill next time you get it and you're going to have a higher cost,” said Bloomberg. “You're going to pay the fines. If you want to fine yourself, that's probably a good idea.”
His Honor went on to say, “I mean, fuck it, whattya gonna do? They got you by the balls. Hey, you got a power plant? No? Well, until you get hydroelectric in your basement, shut the fuck up and do what ConEd tells you. Capisce? I’m just the mayor over here. I’m not friggin’ God.”

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The One Where Grandma Sweat Herself to Death

Remember last year’s blackout in Queens?

(You’re a selfish prick, you know that? Would it kill you to pay attention to something other than your own bottomless pit of disgusting urges?)

Anyway, a big report came out, and while I know that you think the only people this affects is a bunch of yokels living in one of those boroughs that isn’t Manhattan or Brooklyn, be aware that ConEd’s incompetence is a portend of your own power company’s actions yet to come. And it ain’t like the earth is getting cooler or you can run your central air and plasma screen on switchgrass and wood chips or anything.

Con Edison’s performance in preparing for, and responding to, the outage event was deficient, a gross disservice to its customers. The Company failed to fulfill its responsibilities under Public Service Law.

The report details a litany of problems, like how the Con Ed neglected maintenance problems in the Long Island City network and how the poor counting of how many customers were affected prevented the city from sending out emergency resources immediately. Con Ed's numbers were grossly understated, saying just 2,500 customers were hit, while the number was actually 65,000 customers which translates into about 174,000 people; for some reason, 3,000 customers is a threshold for emergency action.
[Ed. – 174,000 would make for the 127th largest city in America. Bigger than Ann Arbor, MI and Syracuse, NY, and just behind Little Rock, AR and Reno, NV]
You know, you forget how awful it was to go for a week without power, and then you read this crap and remember everything! The trying to sleep in a windless heat box in 90 degree humid-ass heat. The lack of lights, TiVo, and any place to buy batteries, candles or portable televisions. The waiting in line for dry ice followed by the 30 minute walk to find the beer to put on the dry ice!

Augh! It was a hellish nightmare I hope never to repeat…

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Every year, the press corps has a giant circle jerk with the president and his minions and they call it the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. Remember last year? Stephen Colbert got up there and actually spoke truth to power, cementing his legacy as the fake news host with the biggest balls.

As you know, he didn’t just go after the president. He took down the press corps too. And they are delicate flowers with the courage of tiny little bunnies. The guest at this year’s gala? Rich Little. Remember Rich Little? Oh, wait, you were born after 1950? Well, he’s a) surprisingly not dead yet, b) an impressionist, and c) best known for his Nixon, Johnny Carson, Jack Benny etc. That is to say, dead people and others you’ve never heard of, because you know, you were born after 1950. And he’s got nothing of value to say about anything.

I guess Gallagher was unavailable.

Friday, January 12, 2007

New Feature

Our backers keep calling me down to their office near Wall Street hopping mad and full of complaints about our site’s performance. Page views! Repeat visits! Content!! It’s excruciating. All the while I’m sitting there wondering what kind of mad scientist would want to teach these goats to talk and trade junk bonds.

Anyway… In order to ease the minds of Lil' Billy and Patches, I am instituting a new feature here at DoG:

What We’re, Like, Totally Into Right Now

You can find it in the upper left of the page, and it will change from time to time – as we find something we’re, like, totally more into than the last one. It might be something about news or politics. It might be about some new product we wish we could afford. It might be the best place to find garbage and tin cans to eat near Battery Park. You never know. But you’ll check back and find out, won’t you?

Thursday, January 11, 2007


As I'm sure you noticed, we have cleaned some house around here. I hope you like it. Listen, calm down... Nothing will change between us. You can still come by anytime if you're jonesin' for shoddily edited, poorly written, insight-free political commentary. And I know you are.

How many of you kept your New Year's resolutions?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

My Very Own Liberry

Two Bush/library stories in one day? Oh yes, I am afraid so. It seems that there is some controversy in selecting a location for Bush’s presidential library. I find this amusing for two reasons.

First, the people of Southern Methodist University are wary of being associated with Bush.

About 150 of the university’s 600 faculty members attended the meeting, voicing a range of concerns, particularly on whether the school’s academic freedom and political independence might appear compromised by an association with not only the Bush library but also a museum that would accompany it.

Thomas J. Knock, a professor of history, said the public might have trouble differentiating between the library, museum and the university.
That is a religious university in Texas that is worried about being associated with George W. Bush. Damn, that’s some low approval ratings.

But the second, and more amusing point is that the deal is being done the same way Bush has done everything since he came to office – in secret, behind closed doors.
“There’s been a lack of transparency from the beginning,” said Tony Pederson of the journalism faculty, urging the university’s administration “to be more forthcoming with detailed information.”

Rhonda Blair, the president of the faculty senate who convened the meeting even though many professors were still away on winter break, said she would pass on the questions to Dr. Turner on Wednesday.
That’s just selecting a location for a presidential library and these people can’t cooperate with others. Does Bush use CIA computers to encrypt his breakfast order?

Second Verse Same as the First

Bush is going to be up in the story box tonight. I know I can’t wait. Just thank Jesus Christ that he didn’t wait until Lost started up again. Anyway, apparently, it’s going to be the same old nonsense as always, with one big change in policy:

The speech will be televised from the White House library, "chosen because it will provide a fresh backdrop for a presidential message."
I, for one, am excited. Bush’s first trip into a library!

Oh yeah, and he’s going to throw another 20,000 kids into harm’s way even though the generals say it won’t do any good, and that we really can’t spare any. Good plan! I mean, you gotta do something, right, Georgie? Something other than admit you made a fucking mistake.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


It’s a rare day indeed when I agree with the Trotskyist turned Bush backer Christopher Hitchens. But when he writes, “The disgusting video of Saddam Hussein's last moments on the planet is more than a reminder of the inescapable barbarity of capital punishment and of the intelligible and conventional reasons why it should always be opposed,” it becomes one of those days.

If you watch that video, and I have, because I’m an idiot, it is inescapable the conclusion that Hitchens reaches – “To watch this abysmal spectacle as a neutral would be bad enough. To know that the U. S. government had even a silent, shamefaced part in it is to feel something well beyond embarrassment.”

He goes on to say a lot more, (including quoting my favorite author), but what he doesn’t mention is the anger I feel at our government for putting us through this spectacle from the beginning. When you take a dictator out and you want to go through the pretense of a trial, you cannot let him be tried by the supposedly impartial people who he tortured and slaughtered. It is complete folly. You have two choices – either you string him up right where you stand the instant you catch him and watch him slowly die before you, or you put him through a legitimate trial in a war crimes tribunal in Belgium. To put it another way, if I murder your family, you don’t get to sit on my jury.

While Saddam is no doubt guilty, and probably deserves the death penalty (which I am steadfastly against, whether it’s Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, or people trying to choose their new cellphone ringtone on a crowded subway train), to put him up in a kangaroo court where the outcome is predetermined, and the only reason for which is to justify his murder ends up making me feel sorry for Saddam. And that just pisses me off!

This whole courtroom is out of order!

Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You…

Ask what your Congress can do for the president!

Ah yes, President Bush -- the King of Cooperation; the Prince of Partnership; the Chieftain of Charity; the Captain of Compliance -- that President Bush is pleading with the newly elected Democratic Congress to just please, please, let him get some work done. For God’s sake, he’s been in office for 6 years now with both houses controlled by his own party, yet there’s so much left to destroy do!

Indeed, the president actually sat down and “wrote” an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal this morning entitled, get this, What the Congress Can Do for America.

So, let’s ask. What can Congress do for America? For starters, they (the Democrats) can be bipartisan. Not bipartisan in the way Bush is bipartisan, mind you, (which is to say – inflaming your partisan base and stoking the fires of hatred between peoples). More bipartisan in like, the way that a bank teller is bipartisan with an armed robber.

The Democrats can help America by finding common ground with the president without compromising their principles. Or to put it another way - by completely ignoring their principles.

Democrats can help America by listening to the the common “sense” (dare I say common wisdom?) of George W. Bush who believes that government plays a strong role in helping people, but that people aren’t helped by government at all – only by people who care about helping. Which explains the response during that whole hurricane thingee.

The president says that we now (finally) “have the opportunity to build a bipartisan consensus to fight and win the war.” Past six years – no need/opportunity for compromise, listening, cooperation, planning. Now? Plenty of opportunity. It’s simple mathematics.

It is a fact that economies do best when you reward hard work by allowing people to keep more of what they have earned.
It’s a fact, jack!
It is also a fact that our tax cuts have fueled robust economic growth and record revenues.
Dude! Preachin’ to the choir here, brother! Give me those tasty, tasty tax cuts. I will take a bite and let the juices stream down my chin! I am livin’ the American dream! Oh, an aside, Mr. President – can y’all point the way to one of those offshore tax shelters? Right now, I am raking in all this dough, and frankly, I don’t want to pay taxes on any of it. Wherever Lord Vader put Halliburton is fine with me. Ah, but let's return to the story:
By continuing these policies, we can balance the federal budget by 2012 while funding our priorities and making the tax cuts permanent.
Sweet!! Damn, I ain’t never heard of no war that pays for itself while you cut taxes. Fuck me, this guy is a genius. I mean, think about it. He took a huge budget surplus, ran up the deficit to the highest it’s ever been, and the man is going to balance the budget only 12 years later. Watch your back, Pierce, pretty soon you might be the worst president ever once again!

But seriously, George. What can Congress really do for you? What do you need? What’s on your Amazon wish list?
It's time Congress give the president a line-item veto.
Awww, shit! Dude, you got a gigantic fucking pair of melons dangling between your legs. You spent the last 6 years ignoring the bills your own party passed with your signing statements and you ask the Democrats to give you a line-item veto? Wow. What’s left to say after that?
If the Congress chooses to pass bills that are simply political statements, they will have chosen stalemate. If a different approach is taken, the next two years can be fruitful ones for our nation.
I couldn’t agree more, Mr. President. I couldn’t agree more.

Look Who’s Honoring Me Now

I was asked by the Young Professionals of Chicago to write an editorial about Barack Obama. I immediately informed them that I am neither from Chicago nor professional in any sense of the word, but they insisted. I complied with their wishes. Who am I to deny those up and comers out in the Central Time Zone the gift of my wisdom?

Anyway, enjoy...

Obameter: Who's Hot and Who's Not in '08

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2007, loyal DoG fans. I don't believe in new year's resolutions because if you want to make changes in your life, why do you need to wait for our arbitrary Gregorian calendar to tell you when to do it?

That said, in 2007 I resolve to:

  • Write more often
  • Update our design
But not today. Please stay tuned, and thank you for dropping by!