Friday, September 28, 2007

Tomorrow I Woke Up Sucking On A Lemon

What’s going on over at

They’re counting down to something happening tomorrow morning. We are all aware of a forthcoming Radiohead (greatest band ever) album, but what’s going on tomorrow? Pitchfork tells me that this site has nothing to do with the band, so it’s probably a big scam.

Or is it? I Might Be Wrong, but… I Will remain… Optimistic. If we’re… Lucky, they won’t leave us… High and Dry, and make me look… Idioteque.

(Entertainment Tonight, Extra, anyone else may contact me at DelusionsofGrandeurBlog [at] gmail [dot] com.)

Paranoid Android!

Mad skillz.

UPDATE: Full-on hoax. (Nice Dream)

UPDATE II: However, the new album does come out next Wednesday, October 10th. With a catch. It’s only available for download at their website. Apparently, you can buy the whole liner notes, old school CD whatnot for 40 quid. But for the download, they’ve gone Shatner on us, as we can “name our own price.”

See for yourself. What an interesting ethical conundrum to have placed before me. I love the band, hate the labels, enjoy deciding how much to pay for stuff. Yet, I also hate spending unnecessary money. Hmmn…

UPDATE III: Through further research, I’ve come to discover that Radiohead would typically make in the neighborhood of $1.50 per album sold when working through a major label. That is something to bear in mind when having that selfishness vs. sticking it to the man debate you’re going to be having all this week. That is to say, it’s going to cost you at least $1.50 to demonstrate to the labels that they’re dinosaurs on the verge of extinction if they don’t wake up, and soon. After that buck-fitty, it’s all about how much you respect the band.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Mommy, Make The Bad Man Go Away!

Aren't Republicans supposed to be the tough guy father figures? Aren't they supposed to be able to keep their shit together when the going gets tough? Doesn't look like it from my point of view. First, they curled up in a fetal ball and cried their eyes out because called General Petreus "General Betray-Us" (Get it? Get it??). Now, people are positively apoplectic because Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in town and speaking at Columbia today.

Oh my god, get a hold of yourself, people! The dude is talking, he's not ethnic cleansing the city. Furthermore, in our history, we have celebrated and met with people much worse than the virtually powerless Ahmadinejad. Mahmoud talks about wiping Israel off the map. Nixon met with Chairman Mao, and he had slaughtered hundreds of thousands. Bush is BFF with the leadership in Saudi Arabia, and they will stone a woman to death for being pregnant. Reagan, the mannest man of all time, met with the leaders of the Soviet Union many times.

This is America. The great thing about America is you can speak your mind, no matter how much of an asshole you are, and other people can just fucking ignore you. Get over it!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Lines I Wish I Wrote

From Bill Maher on The Huffington Post the other day:

Republicans sex scandals are getting to be like Iraqi car bombings. By the time you hear about one, there's been another. Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Bob Allen, Vitter, Craig...

It's like "Clue" only the answer is always "A Republican... in the washroom... with his cock."
Oh, Lord, won’t You please stop sitting around reading blogs and grant me a slice of Bill Maher’s talent?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Great Satan

Wonkette made a nice catch, seen above, of President Bush once again pledging his undying support (and eternal soul) to the Devil at a 9/11 ceremony yesterday.

I have a simpler, more benign explanation. I think he thinks he's planning a quick escape as his alter-ego, Spider-Man.

Slave 4 Us

As I'm sure you've heard by now, the trainwreck that is Britney Spears made a stop at the MTV Video Music Awards over the weekend, and it was everything you'd expect and worse.

As her life has slowly unravelled before our eyes and millions of cameras, I've quickly found myself in the camp of just feeling sorry for her. I'm not typically one who pities those who are given everything and piss it all away of their own volition, but there are times when I feel complicit in their self-destruction. I don't read TMZ myself, but I read people who do. And where there's a demand for salacious details of people's private lives, there are going to be writers and photographers to fill that demand. As such, there's an element of Schrödinger's cat in a breakdown such as Britney's, which is to say that the act of observing it necessarily affects the outcome. When you're an 18 year old superstar, living your life completely in the public eye and developing an addiction to that praise and attention, it's probably pretty difficult to find your way when it's time to develop a private life.

All of that is prologue for this article you should read in Salon by Rebecca Traister. As she goes on to point out that we are all guilty, not least MTV and Britney herself, she composes some moving paragraphs which are staying with me.

As has been pointed out before, she embodies the disdain in which this culture holds its young women: the desire to sexualize and spoil them while young, and to degrade and punish them as they get older. Of course, she also represents a youthful feminine willingness -- stupid or manipulated as it may be -- to conform to the culture's every humiliating expectation of her.

No one would think that the performer, whose music has historically been catchy, but whose live performance appeal has rested on her super-fit ability to writhe around in athletic dance routines that could only succeed if rehearsed with Waffen-level discipline, could pull this off. She was hired by MTV to attract viewers eager to see her make an ass of herself. And she was complicit in her own public flogging, apparently doing nothing to prepare, making no effort to learn the words to her own song, or the dance moves she was supposed to execute.

There was also the harsh but deserved criticism of her performance and, more horrendously, of her physique. Spears, it seems, two children and five years of self-abuse later, no longer pleases the public with her hourglass shape. No, her ill-fitting outfit showed off a figure that was not as compact and pink as it was when she was a teenager. Sure, she looked better in a bikini than probably 98 percent of the Americans sitting on their couches and howling at her, but she was no longer porn-star perfect. And in the American lexicon, that equals fat. Wonder why your daughters have eating disorders and hate their bodies? Maybe because they're reading reports that label the thin young woman dancing around in a bra and panties physically unappealing and obese.

When I was a kid, my mother told me a story about some men she once saw on a lake in northern Maine. They were in a motorboat, chasing a swimming moose around the lake. They chased it and chased it and chased it until, finally, the moose got so tired and confused that it drowned. This, of course, was the idea: torturing an animal too stupid to swim for shore until it died, all in the name of good fun for the guys at the wheel.
And that's the part that gets me. Let's give her a break. And Lindsey Lohan into the bargain. Are we Romans watching the murder of Christians in the Coliseum? If we stop watching, she'll have no choice but to try to get her life -- her real life -- back on track.

I know my plea falls on deaf ears, but it warrants saying.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Republican Party Rotting From The Inside

You know, I write these articles about the Family Values Republicans and their perverted private lives with a touch of tongue-in-cheek, primarily because were it not for their own religious fanaticism and hypocritical homophobia-mongering to win elections, their so-called perversions would be perfectly fine and dandy. They could blow whomever they wanted, and in the public eye (metaphorically), instead of taking a “wide stance” in the airport crapper and getting busted by the vice squad.

And then you come across a real Republican pervert, and it turns your stomach. St. Petersburg City Council Chairman, Republican John Bryan sexually molested his daughters and once he was found out, he offed himself in the garage. I’m against the death penalty, so I’m not thrilled with his choice, but there are worse things to have happened.

Thing is, that’s not the worst part. Although, I suppose his daughters would disagree with that. They’d be right. Politically, the worst part is that the Republican Party in Florida has known about this man’s sexual deviancy and danger to children for twenty years! That’s fucked up.

The Republican Party - Protecting families by protecting reputations. One sexual deviant at a time. (The children can fend for themselves.)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Premature Adjudication

Larry Craig is the gift that keeps on giving. He’s standing by his story that he’s not gay -- as if -- that by random coincidence he simply had to take a shit in that world-renowned gay hotspot, and dammit, he’s got a wide stance and likes tappin’ his feet while he’s pinching one out. To add to the fun, today he’s actually going to try to withdraw his guilty plea from before, on the grounds that the press was so mean and like all up in his bid’ness.

Have you ever played Texas Hold ‘Em? To me, this situation with Craig is when you have nothing in your hand, but you bluff big time on the turn. Your opponent calls your bluff, and instead of folding (resigning), you decide to raise again on the river. His actions demonstrate a Bushian level of stubbornness and lack of vision that will eventually destroy him.

The guy is gay, or at the very least, he likes to give or receive blowjobs in men’s rooms. All he’s doing is dragging out an unwinnable situation thereby making it longer and more humiliating.

Hmmn… Maybe longer and humiliating is what he’s into.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

We Are The Goon Squad And We’re Comin’ To Town

In honor of Fashion Week coming soon to Midtown, I present to you my friend and yours and erstwhile contributor to these pages, Thomas Crowley, competing for the title of Esquire Magazine's best dressed “real man” in the United States. As a finalist, he appeared on the Today Show yesterday morning. Enjoy: