Friday, October 27, 2006

T-Minus 11 Days

As I’m sure you are all aware, the steel cage match that is the 2006 midterm elections are but a week and a half away. Because we love our readers at DoG, I’ve added an exciting new feature. Which is to say I’ve cut and paste an exciting new feature from somewhere else.

To your left, stage right, you will find an up to the minute electoral results summary provided by the good men and women at They read poll results all day, compile them and whatnot and whozit and poof! post a result. I hardly trust polls, and as I’ve said in the past, I officially predict that the Democrats will take neither house of congress.

But it’s always fun to dream… and read promising poll data. Just remember to vote on the 7th, OK?

Here, Swallow These 35 Condoms of Shampoo

When I started reading Patrick Smith’s column Ask the Pilot a few years back, it was primarily a place to send in questions about the more arcane and curious aspects of air travel. “What do all those controls do?” “What’s a flap?” “Are pilots really up to their elbows in poontang?” etc. But more recently -- the last year or two -- he has focused his ire and engaging writing style toward the TSA and their absurd notion of “security.” Today, he perfectly describes how ridiculous and inevitably damaging the security procedures are in the United States these days.

There you have it: Tiny containers of hand sanitizer in zip-lock bags are harmless and approved. Those not in zip-lock bags are dangerous contraband. Meanwhile, the TSA still cannot justify its methods of confiscation: If certain liquids and gels are taken from a passenger, the assumption has to be that those materials are potentially hazardous. If so, why are they tossed unceremoniously into the trash? At every checkpoint you'll see a bin or barrel brimming with illegal containers. They are not quarantined or handed over to the bomb squad; they are thrown away. In effect, the agency readily admits that it knows these things are harmless. But it's going to steal them anyway, and either you like it or you don't fly.

…the madness has become patently abject, and people need to realize they are subsidizing it. More than 2 million Americans experience the carnival of airport security every day. An apparatus that big takes a lot of dough to keep it running. First, our taxes pay for the salaries of thousands of airport screeners, and for all the many overpriced accouterments demanded of a bureaucracy. Then come the trickle-down costs of delays, missed flights and broken appointments, along with the intangibles of widespread tension and anxiety. Last but not least, every dollar fed to the TSA furnace in a bid to keep shampoo off airplanes is a dollar that could have been spent more effectively elsewhere in the security chain. The bill for that one comes later, possibly in the guise of catastrophe.
Or as I’ve said a million times (probably copying Mr. Smith) – it’s more important for them to do something (anything) as opposed to something good. It’s a symptom of Bush’s larger disease of feel-good policy as opposed to good policy. (You like how I keep doing that? No? Fine.)

The administration creates a prescription drug plan that enriches the pharmaceutical companies, confuses the old folks, and wastes our money by the billions, but hey – he did something to help Grandma get her pills. Bush is going to “leave no child behind” by forcing teachers to change their educational plans to teach to the test instead of helping our kids actually learn something, and once again, oops! forget to pay for it, leaving everyone behind. And don’t even get me started on the whole – hey we understand things are going bad in Iraq and now we’re not staying the course anymore, now we’re adapting and adjusting, and hell no Rumsfeld’s not going anywhere (and we’re not changing a thing) thing.

The problem with the airport security issue (as Patrick has hammered home numerous times) is that you all buy into it. Whenever I complain to any of my friends about the absolute uselessness of the airport security procedures, my friend will defend the policies – “Hey, they’re trying.” Or “She’s just doing her job.” Perhaps she is, or perhaps she’s on an adrenaline rush spiked by the tiny amount of power she’s been given and lords it over the executives and the doctors and all the people who did better in school than she did. But more to the point, when the American travelers just roll over like sheep and stand in that line and accept what’s happening in our airports -- warm fuzzies instead of security -- we empower our feckless leaders to choose feel-good politics over effective policy at every goddamned opportunity.

I don’t necessarily have an immediate solution. I’m not suggesting that you stand up and fight the guards at the airport and get yourself on a terrorist watchlist or anything. It’s just important for you to stay annoyed in the security line. Think to yourself that when you missed your flight because they had to x-ray your shoes four times that it wasn’t for the greater good; that it’s a waste of time and money that is simply draining our resources which could be put to use actually *gasp* catching terrorists… for once; that it’s all in place to give you the impression of safety where there is none. And remember it when it comes up as a political issue, whether you’re voting or calling your senator or discussing it at Thanksgiving.

Fight the power!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

If Ifs and Buts Were Candy and Nuts...

This just in: Republicans like to beat on the handicapped.

During a debate Sunday that also included Democrat Gary Trauner, Cubin and Rankin had a testy exchange over campaign contributions Cubin received from former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas.

Rankin, who has multiple sclerosis and uses an electric wheelchair, said Monday night in a telephone interview with The Associated Press that the confrontation occurred immediately after the debate.

"My aide and I were packing up to leave the debate, and Barbara walked over to me and said, 'If you weren't sitting in that chair, I'd slap you across the face.' That's quote-unquote," Rankin said.

During her tenure, Cubin received $22,520 in campaign contributions from Delay's Americans for a Republican Majority PAC. She has said she would not return the money unless DeLay was convicted of a crime.
Rankin’s lucky he wasn’t debating Cheney or he’d be picking birdshot out of his face by now.

War is Peace! Freedom is Slavery! Ignorance is Strength!

Directly from the Ministry of Truth, here is your Two Minutes Hate for the day:

Q: Is there a change in the administration "stay the course" policy? Bartlett this morning said that wasn't ever the policy.

Tony Snow:
… So what you have is not "stay the course," but, in fact, a study in constant motion by the administration and by the Iraqi government, and, frankly, also by the enemy, because there are constant shifts, and you constantly have to adjust to what the other side is doing.
OH! NOT stay the course. It’s weird, because I was under the impression that you guys were in favor of staying the course.
BUSH: We will stay the course, we will complete the job in Iraq. [8/4/05]

SNOW: The second thing you do is you stay the course. [7/10/06]

SNOW: But on the other hand, you also cannot be a President in a wartime and not realize that you’ve got to stay the course. [8/17/06]

BUSH: We will stay the course. [8/30/06]

BUSH: We will stay the course until the job is done, Steve. And the temptation is to try to get the President or somebody to put a timetable on the definition of getting the job done. We’re just going to stay the course. [12/15/03]

BUSH: And my message today to those in Iraq is: We’ll stay the course. [4/13/04]

SNOW: People are going to want more of it, and that’s why the President is determined to stay the course. April. [8/16/06]

BUSH: And that’s why we’re going to stay the course in Iraq. And that’s why when we say something in Iraq, we’re going to do it. [4/16/04]

BUSH: And so we’ve got tough action in Iraq. But we will stay the course. [4/5/04]
So, let me get this straight - he wants to cut and run, then?

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Lord Kills in Mysterious Ways

I am thrilled to hear the news that Donald Rumsfeld has hired a new advisor. It takes real courage to admit that you need help.

The top US general defended the leadership of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, saying it is inspired by God.

"He leads in a way that the good Lord tells him is best for our country," said Marine General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
What’s great about this is that we know God is one badass motherfucking killing machine. By one count, God has over 2.2 million confirmed kills. And hey, that’s not even counting the Great Flood or the razing of Sodom and Gomorrah. So, to know that God is talking directly to Rummy telling him how to wipe those fucking towelheads off the face of the earth, well, shit – we are gonna turn this thing around!

Praise Jesus!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Where Da Politics, Yo?

Blah. Everyone says the Democrats are gonna win. I know they aren’t because I have a memory and frankly it all bores me right now.

What does not bore me is this incident from the Crips vs. Bloods Miami vs. FIU game over the weekend. Helmets flying, three Miami players stomping the living shit out of some dude curled up in a fetal position like they’re in the parking lot of a strip club with their posse, and a commentator wildly cheering the proceedings on declaring that one does not come into the “OB” without getting a proper beatdown. Oh, the life of a thug, indeed.

But wait, there’s one more little twist of brilliance in this tale of honor and dignity. The University of Miami joined forces with the Miami-Dade police department to start the Join-a-Team, Not-a-Gang program and sent some 700 children to that very game to show them how a real man or woman doesn’t need violence and thuggery to “keep it real.”

Now the kids know that if they go to Miami, they don't need to choose.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Bless You Boys!

I guess I will harp on it a little, but hey, I'm effing pumped for tonight!!

In the era of the Super Bowl Shuffle, and yes – New England, the Patriots and We was a lesser known video for the Detroit Tigers from 1984 – Bless You Boys, (This Is The Year). Courtesy of the good men and women at Deadspin, enjoy:

Does the fact that I used to actually sing this song out loud automatically make me gay?

Monday, October 09, 2006

Go Tigers!

I loves me the politics, and I loves me the sports too. I won’t harp on it, but big ups to my hometown Detroit Tigers for beating the Yankees in four and advancing to the ALCS against the A’s.

This victory is triple-sweet for us Tigers fans. For starters, we advance in the playoffs for the first time since the magical 1984 season. Secondly, literally everybody said the Tigers never had a chance. And, not best of all, but pretty close – it’s the fucking Yankees! Man, I hate those guys! And now they’re in full-on tailspin panic mode and they’ll probably make another bunch of harebrained moves like trade one of the best players in baseball (ARod), fire one of the best coaches the Yankees have ever had, and pick up a bunch of overpriced, past-their-prime free agents for a lumbering $300 million dollar payroll next year. And they’ll lose again!

Way to go, Tigers! Bring on the A's!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Larry, Moe, and a Kiddie Fucker

I don’t normally do this, but when I saw this picture, I just couldn’t resist blatantly stealing it and posting it without attribution. That’s just how I roll.

(l to r - Brownie, Satan, Rep. Pedophile (R-FL))

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

And If I Had A Million Dollars...

By request from our good friends over at PatRoW, watch Mark Foley predict the future on America's Most Wanted:

Hmmn... I bet they can find some DNA samples in Foley's congressional office.