Friday, June 30, 2006

Activist Judges!

In a 5-3 decision, the Supreme Court told Bush to go fuck himself and the horse he pretended to ride in on.

(By the by, it was 5-3 because Chief Justice Roberts -- you know the one with the Stepford wife and the dance machine demon spawn -- respectfully declined to participate. But make no mistake about his would-be vote. It was he who agreed with the Bush administration which got the case in front of the Supreme Court, and Roberts’ ass on the bench.)

Anyway… The Supreme Court decided that people are people and you can’t be stashin’ folks away without proper trials, and oh by the way, the Geneva Conventions apply to everyone. Good news for human rights. Bad news for people who get hard-ons putting electrodes on scrota and watching guys crap their pants, i.e. – the Bush administration. Don’t worry, George. I’m sure Pat Robertson will instruct his followers to pray to Jesus so that He might give Ginsberg more cancer or put a load of scorpions in Stevens’ bed.

And we can all get back on the torture train. Woo-woo!!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Pay Attention, Senator Kerry!

Pretty-boy Virginia senator George Allen is facing a bit of a challenge in his bid for reelection in November. And what’s the first instinct of a Republican when even moderately challenged? That’s right – dirty, underhanded attacks.

Allen's camp started things off, with a statement criticizing Webb for his opposition to the amendment: "James H. Webb, Jr. continues to demonstrate he is totally beholden to the liberal Washington Senators who dragged him across the line in the Democratic primary," said Dick Wadhams, Allen's campaign manager. "By announcing his opposition to the Flag Protection Amendment, James H. Webb, Jr. puts himself firmly on the side of John Kerry, Ted Kennedy and Charles Schumer."
And what does a Democrat do when he’s attacked? Well, this time Mr. Webb didn’t curl up in a ball, cry like a baby and plead with them to stop. Like confronting a bully on the playground, the Webb campaign punched Allen in the face. And I like it.
"George Felix Allen Jr. and his bush-league lapdog, Dick Wadhams, have not earned the right to challenge Jim Webb's position on free speech and flag burning. Jim Webb served and fought for our flag and what it stands for, while George Felix Allen Jr. chose to cut and run. When he and his disrespectful campaign puppets attack Jim Webb they are attacking every man and woman who served. Their comments are nothing more than weak-kneed attacks by cowards," Webb spokesman Steve Jarding said.
Snap, bitches! My favorite part – I read elsewhere that George Allen totally hates his middle name, Felix.

Bad news for ya, Georgie. That’s your name until 9th grade. Felix! Felix! Felix! Looks just like a penis! Why don’t you go beat it!

Doesn’t really rhyme I guess, but hey, we’re 12 years old here; this is Washington.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Come On Baby Light My Fire

The flag burning amendment failed. And I, for one, thank Satan and all the rest of my gods and false idols. I’m telling you, I just wouldn’t be able to get into my 4:20 spliff if I haven’t sparked it up from the burning flag in my fireplace. And when I get home from a really long day spent dishonoring the troops and not working, nothing brings that twinkle back to my eye faster than the red, white, and blue embers spitting from Ol’ Glory ablaze in my backyard. Flag day! Holy shit, on Flag Day I actually found a way to sodomize the flag while it was burning! That was a holiday I won’t soon forget. (Remind me to send you to my shutterfly page!)

So, once again, those short-sighted Founding Fathers have failed America by being so explicit with that confounded Bill of Rights. Which is fine by me, I fucking hate America and everything it stands for. This July 4th, I’m heading downtown to take a shit on Alexander Hamilton’s grave, wipe with the Stars and Stripes and set the whole cemetery on fire! Who’s with me??

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Comparison of Two Great Americans

Recently, braying jackass Geraldo Rivera declared that he’s “seen a hell of a lot more combat than John Kerry” in the last 35 years. This is technically accurate, in the same sense that me saying that I can currently run a hell of a lot faster than Jesse Owens would be. In response to Geraldo’s delusion of grandeur, we present a comparison of the experiences of John and Geraldo:

Event John KerryGeraldo Rivera Advantage
Combat seen in last 35 years Does the Senate count?Some, as an observer Geraldo
Combat seen in the previous 35 years A lotUm, do 4 divorces count? Kerry
Moustache combs broken in the last 35 years 06521 Kerry
Moustache rides offered 0Too many to count Um, push?
U.S. troop positions given away NoneSome Kerry
Number of times mistaken for Saddam Hussein by normal, sane people 05 Kerry
Number of times mistaken for Saddam Hussein by Republicans Too many to count12 Geraldo
Chairs taken to the face on national TV 01 Kerry
Phony friendly fire reports filed 01 Geraldo, I guess
Gangster’s vaults opened to reveal nothing but a “wah waaaaaaah” sound effect0 1Geraldo
Number of ass-kickings at the hands of Frank Stallone 01 Kerry
Contributions to society4 years military service
Anti-war activism
20 years service in the Senate
"Men in Lace Panties and the Women Who Love Them" Kerry

So there you have it. I think the comparison makes it clear that John Kerry is a weird-looking U.S. Senator and war hero, while Geraldo Rivera is a pandering, egotistical, self-aggrandizing asshole who should be beaten with a bag of oranges. My work here is done.

Rush Limpbaugh

God, I hope I'm the first one to use that. Anyway, who knew that Oxycontin was a gateway to harder drugs (I know, and I'm so sorry):

Rush Limbaugh was detained for about 3 1/2 hours at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities said they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession without a prescription.

To give Rush the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure he has a rock solid excuse for why he had a bunch of prescription drugs without his name on them in his possession and why he was transporting them into the country. Although, if he's using Viagra, doesn't that kind of make him a hypocrite for his rigid (i can't stop) stance against emergency contraception for women? I mean, he's all for a pill that allows him to subject women to his blubberous advances, but against the drugs that a woman might want to take when she wakes up next to him, full of regret (and probably roofies). In fact, Rush thinks that:
the most dangerous place you can be is between a liberal woman and her morning-after pill.

I tend to disagree. I think the most dangerous place you can be is between a balding, over-weight, impotent conservative and his boner medication. Or a ham.

Of course, this explains a lot. Like the turgid prose in this little segment from his show:
Classic example of the castrati, the new castrati. Jack Carter is -- has been castrated by the feminization of this culture since he grew up.

Castrated, eh? Methinks someone is projecting. Rush's current problems might also explain his steely hostility toward women. I'm sure after countless nights spent trying to get his "little soldier" to "stand up" and "go off to war," while some ditto-head groupie impatiently pops her gum and files her nails in his bed, Rush has determined that the problem must be with women, and not the fact that his "little solider," er, "soldier," apparently has decided to get a medical deferment to keep him out of "combat."

So, here's hoping that the authorities will hand down the kind of stiff (last one, promise) penalty that a repeat drug offender like Rush Limbaugh deserves. Like Rush himself says:
"Too many whites are getting away with drug use. The answer is to ... find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them, and send them up the river."

I mean, if he doesn’t stick by these kinds of statements, doesn’t that make the rest of his arguments seem kind of flaccid?

Monday, June 26, 2006

Way Back Machine

It's a strange coincidence, this evening. People have been telling me for months that I have to watch the 9/11 conspiracy movie Loose Change. People I trust and respect, (I'm looking at you, Minority Whip!). I watched it tonight, and it moved me enough to get up off my ass and jot down a few comments on DoG.

As I bring up my Safari browser to hop onto Blogger, I glimpse that the lede on my selected home page is a story determined to debunk this very film. Awesome! Now I can be set straight by my beloved Salon and I can move on to watching The Daily Show without feeling humiliated in the metaphorical morning after having had put my conspiracy ramblings in "print."

One problem - Salon does no such thing. They present the story very much the same as Sean Hannity himself would - with the attitude that anyone who doesn't believe the official government storyline is a complete crackpot.

So on to my comments. Watch the film; it's about an hour long. I have neither the time nor the inclination to go into the (extensive) science behind many of the film's claims (e.g. - the melting point of steel, or the temperature and speed at which jet fuel burns), so I'm taking them with a grain of salt. In fact, I would argue that many of the film's assertions are incorrect or misguided. But they quote ABC, NBC, CNN, CBS, the Washington Post, the New York Times, international government agencies and even FoxNews to make many of their points. They use film footage and (possibly dubious) eyewitness accounts. They take history, an open mind and the luxury of the experiences of the past five years into account to draw conclusions. With all that in mind, I doubt that alleged gold in the basement of the WTC had anything to do with anything. And I have no idea about dropping off all the passengers in Cleveland.

But if the past five years have taught us anything, we know that George W. Bush is a monster capable of anything due to his unquenchable thirst for unchecked power, and I have no reason to doubt many of the facts (Bush's brother in charge of security in the WTC, a titanium jet engine has never completely disintegrated in a jet fuel fire, unreleased security tapes (which I remember hearing about that very day), among others) presented in the film - most of which are undisputed in the Salon story.

I'm not one to dive into whackjob conspiracy theories, but as you are aware, I am ever-vigilant in the battle against fascism, and as such I think this film needs a viewing. Much of it might be complete bullshit, but by now, shouldn't all of our questions be answered? After five years shouldn't there be no doubt as to the events of September 11th? After you watch this film, you will see that at the very least - doubt remains.

…Forming the Black Hole Which Swallowed the Earth…

Item: Fox is planning to rip off The Daily Show.

Last week TVNewser asked if Fox was working on a show pilot styled after Jon Stewart's Daily Show on Comedy Central. Then yesterday, TVNewser asked if conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham was at FNC shooting something over the weekend.

The answers are yes and yes, and they're apparently related. An anonymous tipster says Ingraham's pilot is known as "Watch This Right Now." The tipster calls it "an absolutely terrible rip off of Daily Show" including a "music and video montage" and "mouth replacement of known news figures." (Huh?) "They want to keep it a secret so they hired all freelance tech people," the tipster adds. "The writers and producers should be embarrassed to show this one to Roger."
In related news, Michael Jackson has stated his intention to do a cover version of Weird Al Yankovic’s epic opus “Eat It.” To be released in September.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

There’s One For You, Nineteen For Me

I happen to receive the always riveting Non-Profit Times weekly e-newsletter. They had a little heads-up in this week’s issue:

Any statements made by [non-profit] organizations that could be interpreted as “political intervention” will draw the interest of the Internal Revenue Service (IRS).

Among the flags the IRS is looking for:
  • Whether the statement identifies candidates for political office.
  • Whether the statement expresses approval or disapproval for one or more candidates’ positions and/or actions.
  • Whether the statement is delivered close in time to the election.
  • Whether the statement references voting or an election.
  • Whether the issue has been raised as an issue distinguishing candidates for public office.
  • Whether the statement is delivered as part of an ongoing series of communications by the charity on the same issues that is made independent of the timing of any election
  • Whether the timing of the statement and identification of a candidate are related to a non-electoral event such as a scheduled vote on a specific piece of legislation by an office holder who is also a current candidate for public office.
  • Not mentioned in this particular article? The aforementioned rules are null and void if you are a supporter of President Bush.

    Monday, June 19, 2006

    Depends on the Definition of Unwinnable

    As my colleague is fond of mentioning, the Satan-worshipping liberal media has a penchant for focusing on the violence in Iraq instead of the useless schools they’re building. (Although it must be pointed out that they have no problem bending over and lifting their skirts for a double-top-secret stop-n-chat.)

    In the meantime, will the dead-enders in the liberal media cover the letter from the U.S. Embassy in Iraq to the Secretary of State’s office which discusses the real progress we’ve made so far?

    "An Arab newspaper editor told us he is preparing an extensive survey of ethnic cleansing, which he said is taking place in almost every Iraqi province, as political parties and their militiast are seemingly engaged in tit-for-tat reprisals all over Iraq."

    Among the other troubling reports:

    -- "Personal safety depends on good relations with the 'neighborhood' governments, who barricade streets and ward off outsiders. The central government, our staff says, is not relevant; even local mukhtars have been displaced or coopted by militias. People no longer trust most neighbors."

    -- One embassy employee had a brother-in-law kidnapped. Another received a death threat, and then fled the country with her family.

    -- Iraqi staff at the embassy, beginning in March and picking up in May, report "pervasive" harassment from Islamist and/or militia groups. Cuts in power and rising fuel prices "have diminished the quality of life." Conditions vary but even upscale neighborhoods "have visibly deteriorated" and one of them is now described as a "ghost town."

    -- Two of the three female Iraqis in the public affairs office reported stepped-up harassment since mid-May...."some groups are pushing women to cover even their face, a step not taken in Iran even at its most conservative." One of the women is now wearing a full abaya after receiving direct threats.

    -- It has also become "dangerous" for men to wear shorts in public and "they no longer allow their children to play outside in shorts." People who wear jeans in public have also come under attack.

    -- Embassy employees are held in such low esteem their work must remain a secret and they live with constant fear that their cover will be blown. Of nine staffers, only four have told their families where they work. They all plan for their possible abductions. No one takes home their cell phones as this gives them away. One employee said criticism of the U.S. had grown so severe that most of her family believes the U.S. "is punishing populations as Saddam did."

    -- Since April, the "demeanor" of guards in the Green Zone has changed, becoming more "militia-like," and some are now "taunting" embassy personnel or holding up their credentials and saying loudly that they work in the embassy: "Such information is a death sentence if overheard by the wrong people." For this reason, some have asked for press instead of embassy credentials.

    -- "For at least six months, we have not been able to use any local staff members for translation at on-camera press events....We cannot call employees in on weekends or holidays without blowing their 'cover.'"

    -- "More recently, we have begun shredding documents printed out that show local staff surnames. In March, a few staff members approached us to ask what provisions would we make for them if we evacuate."

    -- The overall environment is one of "frayed social networks," with frequent actual or perceived insults. None of this is helped by lack of electricity. "One colleague told us he feels 'defeated' by circumstances, citing his example of being unable to help his two-year-old son who has asthma and cannot sleep in stifling heat," which is now reaching 115 degrees.

    -- "Another employee tell us that life outside the Green Zone has become 'emotionally draining.' He lives in a mostly Shiite area and claims to attend a funeral 'every evening.'"

    -- Fuel lines have grown so long that one staffer spent 12 hours in line on his day off. "Employees all confirm that by the last week of May, they were getting one hour of power for every six hours without. ... One staff member reported that a friend lives in a building that houses a new minister; within 24 hours of his appointment, her building had city power 24 hours a day."

    -- The cable concludes that employees' "personal fears are reinforcing divisive sectarian or ethnic channels, despite talk of reconciliation by officials."
    So you can build a school, but you can’t tell your family you helped build it or they’ll turn you over to the death squads. When are the travel brochures going out?

    Friday, June 16, 2006

    What Color Is My Parachute?

    Hey, Michael! How can I get rich quick?

    I’m glad you asked, my dear friend…

    Step 1: Get elected to Congress
    Step 2: Buy a bunch of worthless land in the middle of nowhere
    Step 3: Secretly get Congress to fund a superhighway right near that land
    Step 4: Sell the previously worthless land at 300% profit
    Step 5: Eat until you’re fatter than Taft

    Wednesday, June 14, 2006

    Is That All?

    Just an idle World Cup observation. Germany is playing Poland today. Apparently, they played back in 1974 and the pitch was like crazy muddy that day. Poland wanted to postpone the game, but Germany refused and subsequently won the game. The announcer said, "So as you can imagine, there are some hard feelings between these two countries."

    Hmmn... And that's the only reason for any hard feelings, right? Right?!

    Wednesday, June 07, 2006

    Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You

    A man jumped into a lion cage and expected God to protect him.

    "The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.
    So what do you reckon happened?
    "A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."
    So, by my count, it’s Lion 1, God 0. Or alternatively, maybe God just thinks that guy is a dick.

    Whatever the case, it would seem that God kills more people than smoking, drunk driving and McDonald’s combined. When do we get to file a lawsuit?

    Tuesday, June 06, 2006

    Lousy Liberal Media!

    How dare they report on this when so many good things are happening in Iraq? Like... um...

    Last month, 1,398 bodies were brought to the central morgue [in Baghdad], according to Ministry of Health statistics, 307 more than in April. The count doesn't include soldiers or civilian victims of explosions, on whom autopsies are not usually conducted.

    Since 2003, at least 30,240 bodies have been brought to the morgue, the vast majority of them victims of gunmen who are not caught. Bodies often lie in the streets for hours.

    In response, many Iraqis are closing their shops, drawing their blinds and staying home, turning once-vibrant neighborhoods into ghost towns.

    Residents in some areas fear death squads and Shiite-dominated security forces. In other parts of town, they worry about religious extremists who have threatened to kill men who wear shorts and women who drive or leave their hair uncovered.

    "I feel like I'm living in a prison," said Sahar Mohammed, 24, a Sunni Arab resident of west Baghdad who recently put her car in the garage and exchanged trousers for more conservative skirts. "I'm afraid of the people in my neighborhood. You don't know how people around you think nowadays."

    But, um, what about all those schools that have been re-opened lately? Sure, people are too scared to let their children leave the house to actually attend those schools, but, hey, they're open, right? Right?! Oh, by the way, the police found nine severed heads lying around in Baghdad today, too. So not only are we exporting democracy to Iraq, but we're also apparently exporting The Lopper.

    Well, look on the bright side. In 30 years, when President Jenna Bush needs a back-up excuse for why she invaded Iraq (after it turns out that the ruler of Iraq really doesn't have a giant, planet-destroying Death Star purchased from Nigeria), at least there will be plenty of bodies buried in mass graves all around the country that she can point to as evidence of our need to invade.**

    Seriously, what "good news" could possibly trump the news of over a thousand murders in one city for the second month in a row? I challenge anyone out there to come up with something. Anything! And it can't be some story about us finally rebuilding something that we bombed into rubble 4 years ago, because that ain't progress, Sally, that's getting back to zero.

    **This is, of course, ridiculous. It would never happen. We'll still be in Iraq in 30 years.

    Monday, June 05, 2006

    Dance With the Date That Brung Ya

    With the 2006 midterm elections looming, Bush has released the box set of old hits. But are the songs a little played? Salon finds the answer in the latest Gallup poll.

    Situation in Iraq/war - 42
    Fuel/oil prices/lack of energy sources/the energy crisis - 29
    Immigration/illegal aliens - 23
    Economy in general - 14
    Poor healthcare/ hospitals; high cost of healthcare - 12
    Terrorism - 4
    Education/poor education/access to education - 4
    Federal budget deficit/federal debt - 3
    Unemployment/jobs - 3
    Taxes - 3
    Social Security - 2
    International issues/problems - 2
    National security - 2
    Environment/pollution - 2
    Medicare - 2
    Foreign aid/focus overseas - 2
    Poor leadership/corruption/dissatisfaction with government/Congress/politicians/candidates - 2
    Poverty/hunger/homelessness - 1
    Ethics/moral/religious/family decline; dishonesty; lack of integrity - 1
    Natural disaster relief/funding - 1
    Trade deficit/foreign trade - 1
    High cost of living/inflation - 1
    Unifying the country - *
    Judicial system/courts/laws - *
    Abortion - *
    Lack of money - *
    Gap between rich and poor - *
    Notice the complete absence of gay marriage even in the "negligible" section. Do you get the impression that Bush doesn't have the balls to just fire Karl Rove? Or even more likely, that our suspicions have been true from day one that Rove sets policy and even if Rove is out of ideas, Bush has even less? There's nothing left from these guys. They knew how to play with a lead, but they don't know how to come from behind. Even though the they still have control of the "liberal" media, they can't continue to keep the wool over the morons' eyes, not now that all the lies are finally trickling out into the light of day. In a pique of naive optimism, I'm prepared to say that our emperor's days may be numbered.

    Now, let's watch as Bush tries to reassert his relevance by bombing France and flogging Ted Kennedy on Fox in primetime.

    Friday, June 02, 2006

    Killing in the Name Of…

    Oh Lord, Jesus Christ. You are my personal Lord and Savior. I am Your instrument. Through You I shall find peace and happiness in the afterlife. Direct my actions, oh Lord. Guide me with Your spirit and I shall perform Your bidding here on earth.

    What's that? You want me to kill all the Jews and Arabs and faggots?

    Consider it done.

    And to put a finer point on it, from Sean's post:

    So when the religious right's arrogance is responsible for removing their own metaphorical hoods, we need to gaze into their hateful, soulless eyes and take detailed notes.
    Anyone who has had even a single day of Christian Sunday school knows that Jesus would not be a fan of this game. But hey, if you want to twist your religion from one based on peace and love into one of destruction and hate, be my guest.

    Thursday, June 01, 2006

    Accountability Moment, Indeed

    In case you're wondering where the politics have gone, I'm still digesting this expose on the rigged 2004 presidential election. It's not like we all didn't know, it's that we didn't have all this evidence. Why not? That lazy, lazy media. It's not a tinfoil hat conspiracy theory anymore, folks. It's fact.

    Anyway, we can talk about it more tomorrow. I just love the concept of not bothering to investigate something because, "Oh, the President could never be capable of such a thing!" Why would anyone think that? The Constitution was the first fucking thing to go when he was inaugurated.

    THE Ohio State University

    It's a great video, seriously. Just make sure you watch it until you get to where the reporter interviews the man's parents, with whom he lives, as is the custom of OSU grads...


    Sit down, you fat fuck freak of nature!

    Say it with me now… DE-troit! Basket-ball!!

    I still believe.

    Who? My Name Is *wiki wiki* Slim Shady

    Can you imagine this? I mean can you fucking imagine?

    She emerged from her coma-like state and started to speak more than two weeks ago.

    But, to the family gathered at her bedside, she was still saying things that didn't make sense.

    Now they know why: She wasn't their sister and daughter, Laura VanRyn, 22, whom everyone believed had survived a van crash five weeks ago. In an incredible mix-up, she was really VanRyn's fellow student, Whitney Cerak, an 18-year-old woman also in the April 26 crash that killed five people along an Indiana highway.

    Cerak's parents, meanwhile, believed they had already buried their daughter near their home in Gaylord.
    The one family has a funeral for their daughter who is actually alive and almost-well in the hospital, while the other family is unimaginably relieved that their daughter is ok, but she’s already in the ground. Fucked up, man. Fucked UP!