Thursday, September 22, 2005

I Checked a Fact Once...


George W. Bush - former cokehead/boozehound now only former cokehead.

Faced with the biggest crisis of his political life, President Bush has hit the bottle again, The National Enquirer can reveal.

Bush, who said he quit drinking the morning after his 40th birthday, has started boozing amid the Katrina catastrophe.

Family sources have told how the 59-year-old president was caught by First Lady Laura downing a shot of booze at their family ranch in Crawford, Texas, when he learned of the hurricane disaster.

His worried wife yelled at him: "Stop, George."
Jesus, is that all it takes? "And cuz they gots nucular weapons, that's why we need to invade Switzerland." "Stop, George." "Yeah, heh heh... OK."
A Washington source said: "The sad fact is that he has been sneaking drinks for weeks now. Laura may have only just caught him — but the word is his drinking has been going on for a while in the capital. He's been in a pressure cooker for months.

"The war in Iraq, the loss of American lives, has deeply affected him. He takes every soldier's life personally. It has left him emotionally drained.

The result is he's taking drinks here and there, likely in private, to cope. "And now with the worst domestic crisis in his administration over Katrina, you pray his drinking doesn't go out of control."
It's not because it's in the National Enquirer that I don't believe this. I don’t believe it because I think they're just trying to be over-the-top dramatic about how much Bush "cares" about the poor people. It's bullshit.
Another source said: "A family member told me they fear George is 'falling apart.' The First Lady has been assigned the job of gatekeeper."
Is Secretary of Sobriety a cabinet level position?

And my favorite part of the story:
Age 26 in 1972, he reportedly rounded off a night's boozing with his 16-year-old brother Marvin by challenging his father to a fight.
Was his father head of the CIA at that time? W is lucky he didn't get a bullet to the back of his head when he least expected it.

Anyway, it would be pretty funny if he fell off the wagon and got all sloppy on Vladimir Putin or puked in the presidential limo. And think to the future - maybe once he's done with this whole president gig and he's got nothing to do, the paparazzi will follow him around catching him falling down and pissing himself every so often.

4 comments:

emeryroolz said...

I think you've challenged me to a fight while drunk about 1,722 times. Unfortunately I've always been too drunk to remember if we've ever fought, and if so, who won. Although I think we all know it would be me...

Matthew Smith said...

I just can't trust any "news" reported in the National Inquirer. I would be able to believe the Bush Boozehound story was only if it was picked up by those reputable folks over at The Weekly World News (who, by the way, were robbed of a Pulitzer for their revealing expose of "Saddam and Osama's Gay Wedding").

The Jeffersonian said...

Interesting fact, though, about the National Enquirer: they apparently have some of the best fact checkers and legal staff in the business - exactly for the reason everything they print is about a hair's-breadth from libel in the first place. And so, they choose their words and attributions very, very carefully; it's actually surprising they were this, say, declarative about it.

Matthew Smith said...

I heard that the Enquirer gets its choice of the best journalism school graduates because they give them high-end pay right out of school (something tabloids like the NY Times won't do -- they require a professional pedigree AND starting at the bottom). This is a widely reported fact...by the National Enquirer. I don't believe a word of it.