Friday, June 10, 2005

Why Won’t They Just Stop Being So Gay?

There’s a new movement, particularly in the South, to prevent any mention of homosexuality in schools as well as banning student groups that discuss homosexuality in any way:

Chief among the targets are sex education programs that include discussions of homosexuality, and after-school clubs that bring gay and straight students together, two initiatives that gained assent in numerous schools over the last decade.

In many cases, the opponents have been successful. In Montgomery County, Md., for example, parents went to court to block a health education course that offered a discussion of homosexuality, while in Cleveland, Ga., gay and lesbian students were barred from forming a high school club of gay and straight youths.
This just in! Anonymous DoG sources have obtained plans for stage two of this wide reaching initiative:
  • No more musicals in school theater departments.
  • Dance classes are right out.
  • Students must wear bathing suits in the shower after gym.
  • Glee Club is to be renamed Voice Group and the only acceptable form of music will be Gregorian Chant.
  • Student’s wrists to be checked daily to prevent unacceptable faggy floppiness.
  • Game Show Network to be blocked from student lounge televisions to prevent the viewing of Charles Nelson Reilly on Hollywood Squares reruns.
  • You might as well just forget about SpongeBob.
  • CDs/MP3s by Madonna (the musician) are banned from school grounds. Madonna (the religious figure) is of course, always welcome.
  • If a boy comments on another boy’s outfit, he is to be immediately enrolled in a “scared straight” program.
  • Porn to be placed in all boys’ bathrooms/locker rooms. (straight porn only)
  • You can stuff those Fred Astaire movies in a sack, mister.
  • Young (straight) virile male teachers encouraged to tell students of his latest sexual conquests in Monday homeroom.
  • Pink and purple crayons to be removed from crayon boxes.
  • Replace high school art classes with extra auto shop classes.
  • Male students caught with hair gel to be suspended immediately.
  • High school dance attendees must have mandatory “Seven Minutes in Heaven” with a classmate of the opposite sex before going home. (And you’d better not be talking in there!)
  • Film classes only permitted to feature films in which one of the following actors appear: James Dean, Steve McQueen, Robert DeNiro, Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne.
  • The words “will” and/or “grace” are banned from student vocabulary – regardless of the context.
  • Finally (and this is paramount), absolutely, under no circumstances, will buttfucking or cocksucking be tolerated on campus – unless, that is, it’s a girl doing it to prevent losing her “virginity.”
  • Wow. So there you have it folks, straight from our anonymous sources deep (and I mean deep) inside the bowels of the Christian Right movement. They’ve got some plans for our schools. And I say more power to ‘em. There’s nothing better than a disgruntled student who feels alienated and alone with no one to turn to for guidance. Fuck them faggots!

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