Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Live Blog!

Seriously, who doesn't love knee-jerk reactions to something the instant it's said? Based on the success of cable news, the evidence suggests that we eat it up with a spoon. Wait! Shhhh!! It's starting!

  • 8:01 - No applause. There was a lot of applause and hooting on the USS Lincoln. But that didn't stop his smug little monkey smirk tonight. One wonders how low his approval ratings would have to go to wipe that shit-eating grin off his face.

  • 8:02 - If you wanna thank the soldiers - pay them. Give them armor. Stop trying to cut their health benefits and hazard pay.

  • 8:02 - September the 11th quack quack September the 11th

  • 8:03 - The terrorists hate freedom and reject tolerance? Or do they hate U.S. policies? I'm not saying it's one or the other, but it would be nice to have some evidence for your claims, Mr. President.

  • 8:04 - September the 11th quack quack September the 11th. Isn't it annoying how he has to say September THE eleventh, instead of just September eleventh like a normal person? Is that some sort of downhomey redneck bullshit like saying nucyular? Another affectation to make him seem more "one of the guys" instead of the richy-rich entitled upper class prep school twit that he actually is?

  • 8:04 - Take the fight to the enemy. It's been said a million times before - IRAQ NEVER ATTACKED US.

  • 8:05 - Defeat them abroad so they don't attack us here. That old chestnut. Again - cite something showing that this is effective. It sounds so much like the kind of thing that someone makes up, sounds good enough, so fuck it - let it become fact. Like the world being flat.

  • 8:06 - "It is vital to the future security of our country [that we succeed in Iraq]." Yeah, it is NOW. Thanks to you, asshole.

  • 8:07 - Democracy growing in the Middle East and the whole shining example crap. He really is in a different world than, oh I don't know, the real one, isn't he? If we're fucking LUCKY, we'll get a stable dictatorial regime that will work with us like our best friends, Saudi Arabia.

  • 8:09 - September the 11th quack quack September the 11th

  • 8:10 - Our goals - have free elections by January 2005? They FORCED you to have those elections.

  • 8:11 - Progress is being made quack quack Progress is being made

  • 8:13 - 160,000 security forces trained and equipped? Someone's going to look that up, right? Because that's more than we have U.S. soldiers for crying out loud. I started writing this sentence before he even said the number. I knew the number he was going to say would be at least three times what I thought it could possibly be in a perfect world.

  • 8:14 - "...a safe haven from which they could launch their attacks." Wouldn't dangle the preposition, Mr. President? Sounds a little hoity-toity to me. Have you been chillin' with John Kerry?

  • 8:17 - Here's where Bush lists a bunch of things they're actually "doing" on the ground to help with the war. Do we really need to know all that stuff so precisely? I mean, if they're going to launch certain units with certain other units, are we, the American public, such micro-managers that we need to be told not what the White House and the Pentagon are doing, but what the colonels and captains are up to? We don't think our troops are a group of teamsters taking naps and playing dice all day.

  • 8:19 - Bush claims it's bad to set a deadline or "artificial timeline" for withdrawal. Of course, when Bill Clinton was in Kosovo, Bush didn't quite see it that way.

  • 8:21 - What is freedom of "assembully?"

  • 8:22 - "Many Sunnis." Say that five times fast.

  • 8:23 - Who told him that the word "a" always has to be a long A? Listen closely, he never uses a schwa "a." As in the sentence, I would like to buy a car -- "uh car" right? When was he taught that he had to say A car? Did he talk like that even back in college? "My big brother during pledge week was A son of A bitch." "I would like to buy A gram of coke." "When you get the drinks, slip the girls A mickey."

  • 8:23 - I'm confident he's always said "nucyular."

  • 8:23 - Oh! Holy shit! Our strategy to defend ourselves is working! Christ! Why didn't he say so before? I've been wasting all this time on this stupid pointless blog when the strategy has been working all along. I feel so dumb.

  • 8:24 - September the 11th quack quack September the 11th

  • 8:25 - "We are in a conflict that demands much of us." I forget - what is it demanding from me exactly? What is it demanding from you? Oh! It's demanding that we can stomach all the death and destruction. The only sacrifices being made are from those who chose to join the military. Fair enough, they did volunteer. But I wouldn't mind if Bush would demand some sacrifices from everybody else. Why don't we start with keeping the Paris Hilton Inheritance Tax that Bush wants to eliminate? Oh - and maybe some of those capital gains tax cuts. In fact, I'm willing to sacrifice all the tax cuts for the sake of our troops and this war. Are you?

  • 8:25 - He talks about Iraq being the terrorists big last stand as though he reluctantly had to face them there. Uh, dude? You like totally invaded that shit. It was all blitzkrieg and shit, yo. I 'member. I seen it on TV. They didn't like force your hand or nothin'.

  • 8:26 - He's going on now about how this is like the Revolutionary War and World War II and that when fascists and crazy motherfuckers come and attack us, we can't retreat. Setting it up as a "fight or be a pussy" choice. But there's a hidden third choice. Don't fight a war with such massive incompetence and on the cheap without asking anything of the American citizens in return. Yeah, that's what I would think about doing. Get rid of the tax cuts. Wean America off foreign oil. Stop with your pork barrel bullshit and wasting time and energy worrying about Terri Schiavo. Fight the goddamned war and do it right!

  • 8:27 - He calls on us to fly the flag or to help out a military family in the neighborhood. That's nice, but it's roughly the equivalent of putting one of those insipid stickers on your SUV. How about asking us to get rid of the SUVs and stop wasting so much gas maybe?

  • 8:28 - "The best way to honor the lives that have been given in this struggle is to complete the mission." Wait, what? I thought the mission was already accomplished.

  • 8:29 - September the 11th quack quack September the 11th
  • Well, there you go. Bush's people promised a forward looking speech with some sort of a plan. But I didn't hear anything I hadn't heard like a million times already. Did you? What, that bit about which road the troops were going to take to get breakfast in the morning? The bit giving the DoD website? Yeah, it'll be nice to have a "I wanna help the troops" site. But for some reason I don't think it's going to help all that much. But you know what? Here's the link - America Supports You. It certainly can't hurt.

    Bush said nothing. He tried to set a new tone, but I didn't see any evidence demonstrating that he's moved from the fantasyland that they described in the lead-up to the war to reality in the here and now where things are going, shall we say, not as well.

    No doubt I'll write again tomorrow with more analysis upon further reflection. In the meantime we can all sleep well because now we know that we're making progress in Iraq.

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