Tuesday, February 07, 2006

King George

There was a hearing yesterday, and as I suspected, the president has complete and unlimited powers. So said Alberto Gonzales, albeit not under oath. (sidenote – can anyone think of any reason to not swear in someone at a hearing that isn't "because he's going to lie"? Just curious.)

Here's a partial list of implicit powers granted to Our Beloved Emperor under the Patriot Act, signed unread a week after 9/11:

  • Listen to your phone calls.
  • Read your email.
  • Break into your house.
  • Steal your stereo.
  • Watch you shower.
  • Eat your frozen dinners.
  • Delete your TiVoed episodes of The Daily Show.
  • Use up all the film in your camera.
  • Pretend to throw a ball for your dog to fetch, while actually holding it behind His back.
  • Hide your keys.
  • Hit on your daughter.
  • Set your alarm clock one hour behind so you're late for work.
  • Drink your ration of Victory Gin.
  • Spray paint "Don't Mess With Texas" on your living room wall.
  • Use your computer to order Omaha Steaks online.
  • Plant the bodies of New York Times columnists in your basement.
  • Take a crap on your couch.
  • Completely ignore the Constitution of the United States.
Like I say, it's a partial list.

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