King George

There was a hearing yesterday, and as I suspected, the president has complete and unlimited powers. So said Alberto Gonzales, albeit not under oath. (sidenote – can anyone think of any reason to not swear in someone at a hearing that isn't "because he's going to lie"? Just curious.)

Here's a partial list of implicit powers granted to Our Beloved Emperor under the Patriot Act, signed unread a week after 9/11:

• Listen to your phone calls.
  
• Read your email.
  
• Break into your house.
  
• Steal your stereo.
  
• Watch you shower.
  
• Eat your frozen dinners.
  
• Delete your TiVoed episodes of The Daily Show.
  
• Use up all the film in your camera.
  
• Pretend to throw a ball for your dog to fetch, while actually holding it behind His back.
  
• Hide your keys.
  
• Hit on your daughter.
  
• Set your alarm clock one hour behind so you're late for work.
  
• Drink your ration of Victory Gin.
  
• Spray paint "Don't Mess With Texas" on your living room wall.
  
• Use your computer to order Omaha Steaks online.
  
• Plant the bodies of New York Times columnists in your basement.
  
• Take a crap on your couch.
  
• Completely ignore the Constitution of the United States.

Like I say, it's a partial list.