Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The State of the Union is Strong

We're here. It's up and rolling… As I sit and watch them introduce so-and-so and so-and-so, we see clips of Gonzales, Rice, Cheney, and I think – Wow. Here we have, in one room, the men and women who have dedicated their very lives, sacrificed everything, with the single-minded purpose of taking over the world. And everyone just sits there smiling. I guess the senate used to smile when Caesar walked in too. But he wasn’t broadcast on network television.

9:08 - Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States.

"Hey there, Stretch. How y'doin'. Howdy. 'Scuse me. Howdy, Skipper. Howurya. Nice to see ya'. Lookin’ good, Pops. Howyadoin’. Hey! Who let that black guy in? Oh, right! Sorry, Pubes..."

9:10 - Open these envelopes later, fellas, it's the blueprint for nukin' dem pesky democrats. It comes with a secret decoder ring and x-ray glasses and everything.

9:12 - Tonight we are comforted by the hope of a glad reunion with the husband who was taken so long ago, and we are grateful for the good life of Coretta Scott King.

Oh my god, he's starting with Coretta Scott King. The gigantic balls on this guy. Sorry I let all those coloreds die in New Orleans, Mrs. King. Oops! I mean negros. Sorry.

9:13 - Every time I'm invited to this rostrum, I am humbled by the privilege and mindful of the history we have seen together.

Holy crap! He knows the definition of humble?

9:13 - But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone.

His minions are going to start using a civil tone?

9:14 - we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another. And I will do my part.

Good will and respect? Who is this? Am I being punk’d?

9:14 - We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life.

TRANSLATION: We either do it my way or we cut and run, drink pina coladas and cover our eyes saying ‘I can’t see you! I can’t see you!’ to the terrorists. I see we’ve started the civil tone and the good will already.

9:15 - So the United States of America will continue to lead.

I only wish he knew were he was going.

9:15:45 - On September the 11th, 2001

DING! 9/11 #1

9:16 - Every step toward freedom in the world makes our country safer, and so we will act boldly in freedom's cause. Far from being a hopeless dream, the advance of freedom is the great story of our time.

Mr. President, Hamas. Hamas, President George W. Bush. Have you two met?

9:17 - And we do not forget the other half -- in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea and Iran

Yeah, we didn’t forget. You did. And we’re not the president.

9:18 - They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder.

Um... First of all, they're kind of more against us for propping up the already existing heartless systems of totalitarian control already there. Cut to your BFF in Saudi Arabia as he nervously adjusts his tie. Not to mention... Secondly, totalitarian control? Nuclear weapons? Ever look in the mirror lately?

9:18 - Their aim is to seize power in Iraq and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against America and the world.

Yeah. Iraq was like, your idea. They were kind of staying away from that Hussein nut until you jumped in.

9:18 - Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. ... they have miscalculated. We love our freedom, and we will fight to keep it.

We would NEVER use fear to accomplish our political goals. Ever. Really.

9:20 - America rejects the false comfort of isolationism. We are the nation that saved liberty in Europe, and liberated death camps, and helped raise up democracies and faced down an evil empire.

I love when he usurps FDR's accomplishments as though his people don't think FDR was Satan.

9:21 - We remain on the offensive in Afghanistan

We remain on the offensive in Afghanistan?

9:21 - Second, we are continuing reconstruction efforts and helping the Iraqi government to fight corruption and build a modern economy, so all Iraqis can experience the benefits of freedom.

And who better to fight corruption than this administration?

9:22 - Cutaway to Arlen Specter applauding as a Pavlovian response to the word "freedom" but his heart just doesn't seem to be in it.

9:22 - I am confident in our plan for victory. I am confident in the will of the Iraqi people. I am confident in the skill and spirit of our military.

I'm glad he's confident. I'm glad we're winning. Whew! That stupid liberal media makes it look like one giant clusterfuck over there.

9:23 - As we make progress on the ground and Iraqi forces increasingly take the lead, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels. But those decisions will be made by our military commanders, not by politicians in Washington, D.C.

Really? That’s not what General Shinseki says.

9:24 - Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second-guessing is not a strategy.

Is that so? What’s your strategy again? Hope for the best? Hope the Iraqis will start throwing chocolates and flowers eventually? Let’s put this in terms you can understand. If you have a football team that loses all its games despite having some great players on the team, is it unpatriotic to look at the coach’s record and suggest that maybe he doesn’t have a good strategic mind? Is it hindsight to think that maybe the horrible coach shouldn’t be making decisions anymore?

9:24 - With so much in the balance, those of us in public office have a duty to speak with candor.

Cool! When's that gonna start?

9:26 - Staff Sergeant Dan Clay's wife, Lisa, and his mom and dad, Sara Jo and Bud, are with us this evening.

Now is the portion of the evening when we pick out a soldier to hide our destructive policies behind. Bush’s note to self – get a family of dead soldier to do Sammy Sosa chest thump. Make sure it's not that bitch who hangs out at the ranch blocking the driveway.

9:28 - Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change.

Wait! I want political freedom too!!

9:29 - Raising up a democracy requires the rule of law, and protection of minorities, and strong, accountable institutions that last longer than a single vote.

Accountable institutions? What's that like?

9:30 - Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own, because they will reflect the traditions of their own citizens.

TRANSLATION: The Middle Eastern people hate women. You know, like this Alito chap.

9:30 - Yet liberty is the future of every nation in the Middle East, because liberty is the right and hope of all humanity.

Except for the women. And the Jews.

9:30 - The same is true of Iran, a nation now held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people.

A small clerical elite, you say?

9:31 - America will continue to rally the world to confront these threats.

What fucking planet is he living on? Newsflash – the world hates us like cancer.

9:32 - We show compassion abroad because Americans believe in the God- given dignity and worth of a villager with HIV/AIDS,

To the villager worried about HIV - Don't have sex! Condom whatnow? Um… No – just don't have sex. That's like way super-cool with all the kids.

9:34 - 9/11 #2

9:34 - It is said that prior to the attacks of September the 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy.

He innocuously uses the phrase "our government" when referring to the body that failed to connect the dots on 9/11, omitting that it was he who was leading "our government" on 9/11.

9:34 - We now know that two of the hijackers in the United States placed telephone calls to Al Qaida operatives overseas. But we did not know about their plans until it was too late.

But we did know that they were taking flight lessons, that they didn't care about learning how to land, that bin Laden was determined to strike in the U.S. and that the world trade center was a target. But hey, who could have predicted, am I right?

9:35 - God, it's killing Alito and Roberts to not applaud their buttbuddy.

9:37 - a war that will be fought by presidents of both parties who will need steady bipartisan support from the Congress.

TRANSLATION: Do what I say or I will crush you.

9:38 - Protectionists want to escape competition, pretending that we can keep our high standard of living while walling off our economy.

The so-called protectionists just don't think it's fair that other countries allow subhuman conditions. Oh wait, I get it. He’s proposing to eliminate all the worker protections so that we can all be on a level playing field subhuman conditions-wise. Well played, Mr. President. Well played.

9:38 - We hear claims that immigrants are somehow bad for the economy, even though this economy could not function without them.

Hell, who's gonna clean the pool at the ranch, heh, heh...

9:42 - I am pleased that the members of Congress are working on earmark reform, because the federal budget has too many special interest projects. And we can tackle this problem together, if you pass the line-item veto.

Holy fucking shit, did he just suggest the line-item veto? Imperial presidency anyone? Massive smirk on that one.

9:43 - Congress did not act last year on my proposal to save Social Security...


My favorite form of applause, whether you're at a bad musical, a game with bad referees or a state of the union address – sarcastic applause.

9:47 - America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.

Um... Hello??? We've been saying that for like, I don't know, since 9/11? Didn’t you run an oil company or something? Didn’t the oil companies write your energy policy? Aren’t they like rolling in it right now thanks to your policies?

9:49 - We will also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn but from wood chips and stalks or switch grass.

Yes – let's find a way to run your Hummer on wood chips. And not so much with the corn? Is there any better proof that he's not running again? And what the hell is switch grass anyway?

We can make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past simply by increasing fuel economy. We could do it today.

9:56 - Oh my god! Did you see what just happened? Bush mentioned Alito and Roberts. Thomas starts clapping, because, you know, he’s excited that the era of women's rights is over. Breyer looks at him, and they have one of those mini-conversations – "should we stand up? I don't know. Should we? Yeah. Let's. No way. Yeah! OK!" And Breyer and Thomas break with tradition and stand up to applaud during a state of the union. Oh yeah, we have just witnessed first-hand the end of the three separate branches of government. And hey – Breyer? I thought you were one of the good guys!

I think it's Breyer. Help anyone?

9:56 - ...judges must be servants of the law and not legislate from the bench.

I’m looking to you, Breyer! Uh, Thomas, Scalia, Roberts, and Alito – you guys go right ahead. Fuck them faggots! Heh, heh, heh...

9:58 - Human life is a gift from our creator, and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale.

Unless, that is, if we can get cheap cargo pants from The Gap.

10:00 - So far, the federal government has committed $85 billion to the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. We are removing debris and repairing highways and rebuilding stronger levees. We're providing business loans and housing assistance.

Director – “cut to those black people.”

May God bless America.

Indeed. Thanks for watching. Go home.

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