What Is Wrong With These People?

Poor Jill Carroll is being attacked all over the place. Do you even know why? I mean, because she said they fed her and didn't hit her, she must be Patty Hearst? For Christ sake, she just got out of there. Can't you nuts wait a week before you go apeshit on her?

Insurgents, I beseech you - next time could you kidnap John Podhoretz and Imus and John Hinderaker? Ooh, how about Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh too! It would be the closest either of them have been to battle since that time Rush starting beating the hell out of that parking meter in an Oxycontin-induced haze.

Home Sweet Midwestern Home

I like to read Detroit's local newspapers, the News and Free Press to check up on my beloved Red Wings (and Tigers, Pistons, and yes, even the Lions) from time to time. A story on the News' front page caught my eye. It should be noted for those of you who aren't from the metro Detroit area that the News endorsed Bush in 2000 and 2004. Just so you know.

The news anchor of the local ABC affiliate, Frank Turner, was fired a few years back for a massive crack/phone sex problem. He has since turned his life around, all thanks to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for the kingdom, the power, and the glory are Yours, now and forever. Amen. Jesus came down from His throne in the clouds and eliminated all the crack around Frank Turner's house in a 20 mile radius. Praise Jesus! And as everybody knows, phone sex is just no good if you haven't smoked at least 3 rocks.

After he cleaned up, he got his job back. Good for him! (And Him too!) But now Frank has a new addiction – spreading the Word of Christ. A bit of a problem if you're on the air for 2 ½ hours a week, don't you think? For whatever reason, the powers that be at WXYZ-TV think he should be, you know, reading the news instead of bringing salvation to the good people of Detroit. The solution? Lawsuit! The grounds for his suit, you ask?

Federal law not only prohibits employers from discriminating against employees based on their religion, but also requires them to provide "reasonable accommodation" for employees' religious beliefs and practices.

Yep, that's right. Since his whackjob evangelical religion requires that you spread the message of Christ, he believes that his television station should be required by federal law to allow him to preach on-air. In the interest of being fair (which I pride myself on), he doesn't want to preach during the news, he wants his own show on AM radio. But WXYZ doesn't want him to be an on-air preacher anywhere because it would sully their news cred, having a loony preacherman as their head anchor. You know? It's an image thing. Oh yeah, and it's in his contract that he's not allowed to do anything else. WXYZ must have forgotten that our covenant with Christ supersedes all human agreements.

But the best part. The News has an online survey:

Anchor Frank Turner has filed a complaint against Channel 7 for not letting him host an evangelical radio program in his spare time. The station says that they have exclusive contracts with their on-air talent that don't allow them to work for other broadcast stations, but federal law requires them to provide "reasonable accommodation" for an employee's religious beliefs. Should Turner's obligation as an evangelical Christian to share his faith be considered a reasonable accommodation?

And you know what the good people of southern Michigan think? The very same people who voted for Gore, Kerry, have two Democratic senators and a female Canadian Democratic governor? It's close, but Reverend Frank Turner wins 51%-49%.

Remember the good old days when the wackiest thing in the Detroit news biz was a drunken on-air rant by Bill Bonds? (That's a little shout-out to my fans in The D. Holla!)

The King and I

From Salon's War Room:

Wisconsin Sen. Russ Feingold opened the hearing by claiming that the president's legal theory justifying the wiretaps could lead to an ever-greater executive power grab. "Under this theory, we no longer have a constitutional system consisting of three coequal branches of government," he said. "We have a monarchy."

A few minutes later, Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch shot back: "Quit trying to score political points."

Do you see how Sen. Hatch did that just there? He didn't say anything to contradict any of the facts or suppositions in Sen. Feingold's statement. He just accused him of playing politics. Previous politicians guilty of scoring blatant political points: Abraham Lincoln with his absurdly partisan Emancipation Proclamation; Thomas Jefferson and his pandering so-called Declaration of Independence; and who could forget FDR declaring December 7, 1941 a date which will live in infamy?

They embarrass themselves the way they cram their partisan bullshit down our throats. What this country needs is a political party that will just stand aside while the other party falls deeper and deeper into their descending spiral of corruption and criminal mismanagement of the country.

What's that? Oh! Good. Yeah, just keep on keepin' on then.

Associated Press or Animal Planet?

I was perusing the AP wire this morning, and I noticed these three stories in a row:

• Man Crashes Car After Snake Attacks Him
  
• Cat Stuck in Wall Waves Paw for Help
  
• Cop Wrestles Pot Bags Out of Dog's Mouth

Cat waves paw for help? Is this a joke? No. They take it superseriously too.

Collierville Animal Services supervisor Nina Wingfield said she heard a "hoarse meow" after she arrived at the house.

"When he knew we were there, it was a very hoarse, frantic meow," she said.

Wingfield freed the feline by cutting away the wall board with a knife.

"He had his paw out touching -- not clawing -- the whole time, like he was saying 'Come on! Come on,'" Wingfield said.

A hoarse, frantic meow? They have got to stop letting Old Lady Jenkins write the early morning stories.

Just Like the Good Old Days

Good news, everyone! Well, maybe not everyone...
Our conservative overlords, or "masters," have a great idea for keeping food costs low, while keeping all those unwanted Mexicans out of the U.S.:

"I say let the prisoners pick the fruits," said Rep. Dana Rohrabacher of California, one of more than a dozen Republicans who took turns condemning a Senate bill that offers an estimated 11 million illegal immigrants an opportunity for citizenship.

What a fantastic idea! Thousands of men and women in chains working the fields, picking various crops for basically nothing! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

"Anybody that votes for an amnesty bill deserves to be branded with a scarlet letter 'A,'" said Rep. Steve King of Iowa, referring to a guest worker provision in the Senate measure.

Wow, forced labor and branding? This idea just keeps on getting better and better! Too bad about those poor Mexicans trying to make a better life for themselves and their families, though. But I guess we won't be needing them any more, once we get our own American prisoner-slaves! They'll just have to go back to Mexico and enjoy being poor. Adios, muchachos! Lo siento!

Lost

I love the show Lost. I love a lot of shows – I have problems – but Lost is one of the best. If you TiVoed last night's episode and haven't seen it yet, then just keep it movin', nothing to see here. But if you already saw it and are wondering about that thing Locke saw on the wall (I'm trying to be nice for the TiVo people, people), then go to TV Squad where they have a link to a dude who stayed up all night trying to figure out the whole map er... thing on the wall.

It's awesome.

That's a Spicy Meat-a-Ball

In the grand old tradition of Republicans using obscenities as though it were a bodily function, Justice Scalia is jumping into the mix with a little ethnic flavor. Almost as interesting as his Italian "fuck you" is how miserably he tried to explain it away.

The short version? He made the gesture you see to your right to a cameraman while saying, "To my critics, I say, ‘Vaffanculo.'" Fine with me. Hey, I'm full of fucking obscenities. As soon as Scalia heard the camera's click, he was like, "You're uh... like not going to print that or anything, right?" Antonin, not being a political veteran like a Dick Cheney, who can shoot a man in the face, skip the hospital to sober up, and not tell the media about it for two days, wasn't able to squeeze out of it. When people started asking him questions, his explanation – it's Sicilian; you wouldn't understand.

Not so much. Well, fuck you too, Scalia. It's nice to know that we have someone so reasoned and balanced up there on the bench. I can see why Sandy left you. Ouch! Sting a little, Tony? All politics and evil Republicans aside, you can see why Dick and Tony like to go hunting together, can't you? You got a couple of men's men, drunk on power and whiskey, walking through the woods with loaded shotguns, cursing like sailors and bragging about the size of their dicks and the chicks they used to bang before all the heart attacks. Fuck, even I wanna go.

Welcome Home, Jill

American reporter Jill Carroll was released today after three months in captivity. Even though I usually complain about how we focus on one person being missing or dead or kidnapped or whatever and ignore all the other misfortunate souls. With her, I don't know, I was pulling for her.

Well, alright... Now that she's going to be OK, I'll admit it. I find her cute. Is that so bad? Does that mean that I think ugly people should be kidnapped and executed? Of course not! But you see her face on TV, and you pay attention for that extra second. It happens. Sue me.

Of course, Jill isn't the first attractive reporter to come out of the Christian Science Monitor. I remember the six month crush I had on one Ms. Liz Marlantes (the picture does not do her justice). What kind of cute reporter farm are they running over there?

Anyway... Yeah, I'm happy you're OK, Jill.

(drop me a line when you're up to it)

Try War on Insanity

The Jesusfreaks had a little pow-wow recently. Everybody who is anybody in the movement towards a theocratic dictatorship was there. Mista MC Joe Scarborough presided over the ceremony. About Tom DeLay he says:

"I believe the most damaging thing Tom DeLay has done in his life is take his faith seriously in the public office, which made him a target of all those who despise the goals of Christ,"

Strange. Eight years of Catholic school and I don't remember anything in the Gospels about Christ specifying bribery, corruption, slavery and forced abortions among his goals. Did Jesus even play golf?

Do you know what these people would call Jesus if he actually came back tomorrow like they think he's going to? A dirty, peacenik, America-hating liberal hippy. Peace? Love your neighbor? Turn the other cheek? Blessed are the meek? Judge not, lest ye be judged? Sounds like hippy-talk to me.

At one point, speaker Herb Titus held up a copy of Kevin Phillips' "American Theocracy," offering it as evidence of the putative war on Christians. It was an audacious move, given that Sara Diamond, the preeminent scholar of the Christian right, reported in a 1998 book that Titus was forced to resign his post as dean of the law school at Pat Robertson's Regent University because he refused to renounce Christian Reconstructionism. Christian Reconstructionism is a theocratic sect that advocates the replacement of civil law with biblical law, including the execution of homosexuals, apostates and women who are unchaste before marriage.

The latter rule is my favorite. See, that way when a hypocritical religofascist has one of his many sexual dalliances, after he "finishes up" he would be required by law to murder her with his bare hands. Hey, she's not a virgin, she's gotta go. No need for birth control that way, which is no doubt forbidden in any case. And by the way, if Pat Robertson fires you because you're too much of a religious nut, holy shit! We're talking bombing clinics and drowning-your-children-in-the-name-of-Jesus wacko.

"A spiritual invasion is taking place," Parsley roared to the packed banquet hall on Tuesday morning, drawing out the "a" in invasion. "The secular media never likes it when I say this, so let me say it twice. Man your battle stations! Ready your weapons!" He paused to take a preemptive jab at his critics, his voice going soft and scolding: "They say, 'his rhetoric is so inciting.'" Then he nearly screamed, "I came to incite a riot! Man your battle stations! Ready your weapons! Lock and load!"

Let us turn to the book of Luke. Chapter 8, verse 10. "And Jesus arose to speak to his disciples. 'Arm yourselves, my friends. Arm yourselves and let us bring a bloodbath down on all of Israel. For those who are not like us; for those who do not believe in our beliefs, they are the ones who shall perish at our hands. They have brought the demons to this earth, and like many a sinner before him, we shall slaughter them with the violence of 1000 wars. And get them dirty faggots too.'"

Amen!

And I – eee – I Will Always Love You, Crack

Too easy, right? I don't know what it is. I don't usually read celebrity junk. But this Whitney Houston crack den thing is really getting to me. I couldn't give two shits about Whitney Houston or her wannabe thug of a husband, but the idea of Whitney being so hopped on the rock that she's spending weekends in shithole crackhouses and losing her teeth has really been getting to me.

It's not her so much as the notion of falling so far, so fast. We're used to seeing celebrities who have gone too far and end up out of their minds on the junk. But crack? The celebs have usually snorted down an eight ball of blow and drunk a case of PBR before racing the wrong way on the 405. Whitney's a broke-ass crackie, and soon she'll be suckin' dick to smoke that hubba.

I don't know, it just gets to me.

Out With the Old, In With the Same

"Major" shakeup at the White House. Some guy that no one who doesn't waste his life paying attention to this crap knows resigned, to be replaced with some other Bush crony. Whoop-de-doo! You either want to shake things up, and you dump Cheney and Rumsfeld. Or you want to present the appearance of change without really doing anything at all. Has Bush ever done anything other than the latter?

Did you see the press conference today, by the way? That little hug/backslap/keep-your-body-angled-toward-the-camera-and-don’t-get-too-gay-on-me thing at the end was one of the most awkward political moments I've seen since Al smashed his face against Tipper's in the most public display of loveless affection ever witnessed.

Anyway, I put the over/under on Andy Card's lobbyist salary at $2 million/year. Place your bets, people!

God Hates Idiots More...

Sheesh, it's been a while since I've posted anything. I guess I just haven't been mad enough about anything. Until now.

So, we probably all know that the "God Hates Fags" crowd from the Westboro Baptist Church of Fucking Idiots, run by chief dipshit Fred Phelps, have been protesting at the funerals of American soldiers killed in Iraq. See, it's their belief that every soldier who is killed in Iraq is being punished by God herself for defending a country that is so pro-gay. You know, objectively pro-gay because of all that... uh, pro-gay legislation... like... um... well, I'm sure I'll think of something eventually.

So, this is not even what I'm mad about. I mean, I am MAD about it obviously. It's ludicrous to protest at the funeral of a soldier and say things like "Thank God for IEDs" and disgusting, reprehensible shit like that. What I'm mad about is this:

Stopping protests like those that marred two Michigan military funerals last week has become a fast-track issue for politicians motivated by a flood of public outrage and angry telephone calls.

State Rep. Judy Emmons, R-Sheridan, said she has introduced a bill that would ban intentional loud noises, threatening gestures and other intentional disruptions within 500 feet of a funeral ceremony. Rep. John Gleason, D-Flushing, said he has joined Emmons in the effort. Other state lawmakers have said they plan similar legislation.

[snip]

Similar bills have been passed or considered in several other states. U.S. Rep. Mike Rogers, R-Brighton, plans a bill on the subject in Congress.

So, this is good, right? Stops these idiots from protesting soldiers' funerals, right? Yeah! But here's my problem:

Where the hell was this legislation when these ignorant, backwoods retards were protesting Matthew Shepherd's funeral? Or the scores of funerals of AIDS victims they've picketed?

I guess picketing a funeral is only a problem if the deceased is non-gay. If he or she is gay, then I guess anything goes, protest away! Lest you think this new legislation will cast a wide net and prevent people from protesting at funerals for gay Americans as well as soldiers:

Fourteen years after Fred Phelps began picketing funerals, federal legislators, including Michigan Rep. Mike Rogers, R-Brighton, have introduced bills that would make such protests a felony.

At least, some of them.

[snip]

Rogers said this week he plans to introduce a bill that would prohibit protests at national cemeteries for an hour before or after a service, and require protesters be 500 feet from the gravesite.

Sen. Evan Bayh, D-Ind., announced Wednesday that he's introducing the "Dignity for Military Funerals Act," which would prohibit protests at funerals of those who died while on active duty in the military. The protesters would be barred from an hour before to an hour after the service, and have to be 300 feet from the funeral.

So, unless the deceased gay person happens to be a soldier, or is getting buried in a national cemetery, their funeral is fair game for protest.

Can't we all agree that if protesting at the funerals of ONE group of people is wrong, then it's wrong to protest at the funerals of ALL people? Are we really that ignorant, really that stupid and hypocritical? Are we really willing to say as a country that soldiers are more American, more human, more deserving of respect than gay people, who, it should be noted, are also American, human, and deserving of respect? Apparently, our elected officials don't really think so. Boy, that's some pro-gay country we've got there.

I firmly believe that in twenty years, all decent Americans will look back on these days with the same shame and regret that decent Americans now feel when they look back on the pre-civil rights era. They'll see the bigotry and the ignorance and the flat-out inhumanity that was so brazenly flaunted by their leaders and themselves, and they'll be embarrassed.

And they goddam well should be.

Scandal at the Post

On shows like Meet the Press or basically any place in the modern media clusterfuck, they tend to "balance" their show by pretending to have two guests leaning one way politically and two guests leaning the other. But as Media Matters has scientifically shown, it never works out that way. For example, look at Chris Matthews Show's panel of regulars:

• Paul Gigot – Wall Street Journal
  
• Campbell Brown – NBC News
  
• Gloria Borger – US News and World Report
  
• Sam Donaldson – ABC News journalist
  
• Norah O'Donnell – NBC News
  
• Howard Fineman – Newsweek
  
• Clarence Page – Chicago Tribune
  
• Andrew Sullivan – Time Magazine
  
• Katty Kay – BBC News
  
• Joe Klein – Time Magazine
  
• Tucker Carlson – MSNBC
  
• David Gregory – NBC News

So, they'll put Paul Gigot and Tucker Carlson, two conservative nutbags shilling for the president, alongside Katty Kay and Norah O'Donnell, two regular journalists with no real dog in the race who actually call it like they see it. If you really wanted to balance those men, you'd have to use Michael Moore and Noam Chomsky. Why do they do this? Because over the years, the right-wing has actually convinced this idiot population of ours that there is a liberal bias in the media. So the media outlets feel they have to demonstrably show that they are airing the right-wing point of view, even if that point of view is full of lies. Something blows up in Iraq? It's liberal bias because they reported the death and destruction instead of covering the literally hundreds of people who didn't get shrapnel embedded in their skulls. Get a right-winger on there to parrot administration talking points, stat!

The Washington Post fell into the same trap. As Joe Conason reported this morning, the Post website got tired of hearing the right-wingers complain about honest blogger Dan Froomkin. Honest = you question the Bush lies = you are liberal. So they hired a crackpot right-wing psycho, Ben Domenech, to "balance" their coverage. And by balance they mean balancing the truth with lies. As Joe puts it:

Domenech is a partisan operative with no newsroom experience of any kind, no training in journalistic standards and ethics, and nothing to guide him except home schooling and Republican reflexes.

In any case, he just resigned. Not because he's a liar and a shill for the administration. No, because he's a plagiarist. But you know what? Even that's not my problem here. The bit that raises my ire is that the liberal blogs have been pointing out his ripped-off stories and concocted quotes for some time now. The thing that got him fired is that the right-wing started complaining about it. I guess lying about war and torture and the deficit doesn't mean much to the right-wingers. But when a conservative hack copies a movie review or two from Salon, all hell breaks loose.

And here's my point, however long it's taken me to get here. This is Karl Rove's fault. Karl Rove has changed our political system to such an extent that we're no longer Americans. We're liberals and conservatives now. The president doesn't have to worry about governing the People of the United States. Thanks to Karl Rove, he only has to keep his 51% happy. This is not how it used to be. Back in the day, presidents used to care about the nation as a whole. Of course you can never please everybody all of the time, but you can formulate policies that are for the good of the people as the president sees it, not just for the good of enough people to get you reelected. And the same thing is at work here at the Post or in the House and the Senate. Bush can eavesdrop on our phone calls or lie us into war or disregard basic human rights, and the Democrats can scream and yell and have secret closed sessions to get press attention. But until at least one Republican finds his conscience and steps up to the plate like God-willing maybe Senator Specter has, the media will sit there smiling condescendingly watching Harry Reid or Ted Kennedy be their dancing monkey while they write up smug fucking polls like Which of these is Hillary Clinton most out of touch with?

And the same thing goes with the Post. This Domenech douchebag is a plagiarist and a liar, but they wouldn't fire him until the right-wing complained. There is no such thing as truth anymore. It's one side versus the other, and until both sides agree on it, it isn't real.

Whose Genitals Would Jesus Attach Electrodes To?

Andrew Sullivan -- gay GOP collaborator who is slowly rediscovering his conscience -- crunches the numbers.

According to this Pew poll, Americans favor torturing detainees in some circumstances by a wide margin. There's a reason John Kerry didn't bring it up in the debates. And there's a reason Cheney and Rumsfeld know they can continue the practice: they have widespread public support. Most disturbing to me are the high numbers of self-described Christians favoring torture: only 26 percent of Catholics oppose it in all circumstances, while only 31 percent of white Protestants rule it out entirely. If you combine those Christians who think torture is either never or only rarely acceptable, you have 42 percent of Catholics and 49 percent of white Protestants. The comparable statistic of those who are described as "secular," which I presume means agnostic or atheist, is 57 percent opposition. In other words, if you are an American Christian, you are more likely to support torture than if you are an atheist or agnostic. Christians for torture: it's a new constituency. Another part of the Bush legacy.

Isn't that weird? Isn't it weird that a prophet who spread a message of peace would have a group of followers who favor war and torture? Isn't it weird that these so-called Christians who blame the rise of violence in schools or alleged decaying morals on Hollywood and the "secular left" would advocate this sort of horrific brutality? Isn't it weird that those of us who don't believe in God, or perhaps in a benevolent pasta superbeing are the ones who have the moral compass that should be followed?

You know why that is? Because religion tells you what you must do, while we "secularists" have to figure it out on our own based on compassion, mutual respect for life, general human dignity and the fucking Golden Rule. So we're left with being just fine with two men being married because, hey – how the fuck does it matter to anyone else? We can have sex with whoever is willing because it's pretty darn fun and no one gets hurt (unless of course they ask you). And when we see the vicious pictures of our government torturing someone in the name of freedom we stand up and say – that just doesn't seem right to me. On the other hand, the religious folk are accustomed to being told what to do, so when some old book or their pastor or Maximillian -- any mommy figure will do -- tells them anything, like for example that torture is like so supercool, they nod and smile and don't give it a second thought.

It sure as hell beats thinking for yourself.

How Generous of Her

When Barbara Bush saw the Katrina refugees, her heart grew three sizes that day despite how good they had it once they got to the Astrodome, those lucky duckies. She just up and decided to donate some cash to the Bush/Clinton Katrina relief fund.

And like the good Republican she is, she earmarked her funds to go directly to a Bush crony a Bush.

Former first lady Barbara Bush donated an undisclosed amount of money to the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund with specific instructions that the money be spent with an educational software company owned by her son Neil.

Seriously – holy fucking shit, right? Is there anything the GOP won't corrupt? Is this in the DSM-IV? Their inability to do something generous and/or ethical is pathological.

North and South

Mr. President, it's a civil war, ok? Just like all we America-hating liberals said was going to happen. Get over it.

The question is, what are you going to do about it now?

Freedom is A-Marchin'...

Look how kick-ass free the Afghanis are today.

Despite the overthrow of the fundamentalist Taliban government and the presence of 22,500 U.S. troops in Afghanistan, a man who converted to Christianity is being prosecuted in Kabul, and a judge said Sunday that if convicted, he faces the death penalty.

What, you wouldn't suggest they were better under the Taliban, would you? The same?

Relatives denounced him as a convert during a custody battle over his children, and he was arrested last month. The prosecutor says Rahman was found with a Bible.

Where do you even get a Bible in Kabul? Do they have Amazon over there? Because he sure as hell ain't gonna find it at the local Borders.

A number of Christian nonprofit groups do humanitarian work in Afghanistan. Dominic Nutt of Christian Aid calls the Rahman case a step backward for the country, especially if Rahman is executed.

You think??

Presiding judge Ansarullah Mawlazezadah tells ABC News a medical team was checking the defendant, since the team suspects insanity caused Rahman to reject Islam.

Sounds about right...

Mmmm... That's Some Tasty Conservativism

Are you buried in debt? Have you stopped answering the phone to avoid those annoying collection agencies? Do you steal food from homeless orphans just to feed your family? Worry no longer! Here at Biznotech, we can offer you low, low rates when you refinance your home! Or if you qualify for our new special program, we will help you raise your credit limit to stratospheric heights allowing you to ignore your debt, passing it on to your heirs! Act now! Operators standing by.

America’s national debt limit was increased yesterday to $9 trillion. That’s $9,000,000,000,000 — enough to buy Buckingham Palace 9,000 times.
...

The vote to increase the debt limit, requested by the White House, is the fourth since Mr Bush took office. In 2001 the national debt was $5.7 trillion. Today it has ballooned to $8.2 trillion, figures rarely talked about in Washington.
...

$9 TRILLION

• Is roughly four times Britain’s GDP
  
• Equates to $1,500 for every man, woman and child in the world
  
• Would buy all the tea in China. In fact it would buy all the tea in the world for the next 2,000 years
  
• Is enough to solve the Palestinian crisis by rehousing every Israeli and Palestinian family in a £1.5m detached house in Henley-on-Thames
  
• Would build 28 Eiffel Towers – constructed out of gold

I like that. Twenty-eight gold Eiffel Towers. It sounds like something Donald Trump would brag about on that crapper of a show of his.

Anyhow, it's interesting that the United States government would be so massively in debt and just be like, yeah, whatever, knowing that China could sell all our T-bills tomorrow, sending our economy into a tailspin that would make the Great Depression look like the Clinton Boom. Yet they demand so-called "responsibility" from people who decide to get sick despite not having health insurance and divorced women with kids by passing their morally corrupt bankruptcy bill last year.

And by interesting I mean soul-crushing.

Bang! You're Alive!

Scientists have found direct evidence supporting the Big Bang "theory". (Did you know? The term "big bang" was coined by a detractor of the theory, Fred Hoyle, who was trying to belittle the scientists rallying behind it.)

Physicists announced Thursday that they now have the smoking gun that shows the universe went through extremely rapid expansion in the moments after the big bang, growing from the size of a marble to a volume larger than all of observable space in less than a trillion-trillionth of a second.

The discovery -- which involves an analysis of variations in the brightness of microwave radiation -- is the first direct evidence to support the two-decade-old theory that the universe went through what is called inflation.

It also helps explain how matter eventually clumped together into planets, stars and galaxies in a universe that began as a remarkably smooth, superhot soup.

"It's giving us our first clues about how inflation took place," said Michael Turner, assistant director for mathematics and physical sciences at the National Science Foundation. "This is absolutely amazing."

And the longer you read, the more confusing it gets. Sort of like George Bush when he tries to read... well... basically anything that doesn't pop-up. But to scientists, it's amazing. And if we could understand, I bet it would be amazing to us as well.

But since I don't understand everything they're saying, I refuse to trust anything they say. Therefore the most logical conclusion is for me to stick with my noodliest of noodly supreme being, Flying Spaghetti Monster. Thank you, FSM, for giving my species life. I may never meet You, but I shall aspire to follow Your teachings and kill anyone who opposes You.

Noodle Bless...

By the by – the picture to your right is an actual photograph of The Majestic Sombrero Galaxy, (and yes, that is its actual name). Do yourself a favor and go to the Hubble Telescope photo gallery and look around. (Did you know? Edwin Hubble was the first person to show that galaxies exist outside of our own.) The wonders of the universe are beyond one's imagination. Then ask yourself if space exploration is a waste of time and money.

All We Need Is Just a Little Patience

Have you read Jane Mayer's article, The Memo from a few weeks back? Do it. It details at great length how truly evil this administration is. Further, it demonstrates that Dick Cheney and his buddies both run the show and honestly believe that the Constitution is irrelevant when it specifies that the United States is anything other than a dictatorship. Cheney believes in tyrannical rule by a single executive (and apparently the establishment of a puppet figurehead as well).

Of course, this is all uncovered in the context of her examination of our torture policy. I'm reading this on the train this morning (Happy St. Pat's!) and wondering – where has the outrage gone? The Democrats are winning votes by whining about the ports deal or the illegal wiretaps. These are legitimate reasons to fear the Bush Administration for sure. But I don't care if it doesn't win a single vote, every single Democrat – no – every single American should be screaming from the rooftops about our established national policy of torturing and degrading our prisoners of war. Salon's torture gallery has grown to 279 photographs and 19 videos from Abu Ghraib. Does that sound like a few bad apples to you? Of course it isn't. This is official United States policy. And if you read Jane Mayer's article, you will see where the direction came from and how it was viciously implemented.

To be clear – you live in a country whose government believes that it is not only acceptable but necessary to violently degrade, humiliate, and torture other human beings in your name. People in Germany even today live in shame over the atrocities that their grandparents allowed to happen. That is our fate; it has already been sealed. We will look back in horror at what we've done, and our children and grandchildren will ask us why nobody stepped up and demanded that it stop, (assuming we're still allowed to ask questions in the years to come). Take that to your grave.

I have a theory too. Wanna hear it? Since taking office, this administration has one by one stepped a baby step farther along towards the dark side of the force. We keep finding ourselves amazed at their giant balls for a day and then getting bored with it. "Oh, that Bush - he's a nut! What's on TV?" Once the ennui sets in, they take another step. And so on. I believe they are intentionally dulling our senses so deeply that when they say, "We have no choice but to destroy Iran," we won't think about it for more than a day or two. Next thing you know, a nuclear warhead detonates in Tehran and we are so numb to death and destruction and the killing of innocent civilians that the 3,000,000 dead Persians will barely measure on the radar. Hell, if it's Super Bowl Sunday we might not even notice at all.

This is what I get for coming to work instead of getting drunk today...

Ireland Forever

I'm about to write a real downer of a post but first I wanted to give a shout-out to my peeps. Normally I take today off of work for a solid twelve hours of drunken debauchery. No can do this year. But I am singing my favorite Irish folk song in my head. Join me, won't you:

Her eyes, they shine like a diamond.
You'd swear she was queen of the land!
And she was!
Her hair hung over her shoulder,
Tied up with a black velvet band.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody.

Snub!

What do Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and talentless singer Jessica Simpson have in common?

They both stuck it to President Bush.

I don't want to go so far as to say I respect her now. But for the first time since I heard her name, I don't think she's the emptiest-headed nice ass on the planet. I'll push her up a notch to mild disdain.

Survey Says!

The password is... ?

Solve the puzzle:

Incompetent
Good
Idiot
Liar
Christian
Honest
Arrogant
Strong
Integrity
Ass
Leader
Jerk
Okay
Sincere
Stupid
President (BUZZ)
Selfish
Untrustworthy

Yeah, you can't say the answer in your clues, unidentified contestant. But since we gave it away – you see, this is a poll where they asked 710 respondents to describe President Bush in one word. Listed above from most common to least. In other words, more people think he's incompetent than think he's good. More people think he's an ass than think he's president.

I guess some aren't mutually exclusive.

Remember - It's a Choice

What is the greatest threat to our national security? Killer hurricanes mixed with an unengaged president? Soldiers who hate America? War profiteers? Terrorist sympathizers running major ports in the United States? Free, poorly-written "news"papers?

Nope.

It's those dirty, dirty faggots again. Why on earth don't they know their place - snorting crank and grinding on some East Village dance floor, away from our children and classified information?

The Bush administration said security clearances cannot be denied "solely on the basis of the sexual orientation of the individual." But it removed language saying that sexual orientation "may not be used as a basis for or a disqualifying factor in determining a person's eligibility for a security clearance."

This makes perfect sense. Think about it. If you have such poor judgment and are so weak-willed as to allow another man to convince you to put his penis in your mouth, or god-knows where else, think what the commies can convince you to do! I shudder to think!

Sometimes Thinking It Makes It So

Saddam's on trial and he just can't get it into his head that his death sentence has already been issued. He still thinks he's the president.

"I am the head of state," Saddam replied.

Funny... I remember that working for another tyrant in the past.

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Take a moment, won't you, and check out my friend's blog. I know - that he would associate with me makes him immediately suspect, but give him a break. He's got a good head on his shoulders. And now that I know he wastes time with this nonsense too, I feel confident that I do have enough time to school his ass in fantasy baseball this year.

Moving on...

But Why Doesn't Anyone Talk About All the GOOD Things Happening in Iraq?

Maybe because it doesn't come close to balancing the scales against stuff like this:

Authorities said at least 86 bodies were found in the Iraqi capital during a 30-hour period ending midday Tuesday, sparking fears that sectarian reprisal killings are continuing at a grisly pace.

Gee, ya think? Either that, or Cheney's quail-hunting trip to Baghdad has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Although, I think we can all agree that after a couple shots of Jager, things can get out of hand pretty quickly...

Hello, Children!

Chef's gonna quit the show.

“There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins,” the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

“Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored,” he continued. “As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices.”

His character sings about sucking on balls, whores himself out for money, and tries to help the kids get away with gang raping and murdering their teacher, and now he's offended all of a sudden? It's almost as if he learned his lines phonetically without realizing what the sounds mean when you put them together. Or as one of the creators of the show put it:

“South Park” co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, “This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem — and he’s cashed plenty of checks — with our show making fun of Christians.”
...

Stone told The AP he and co-creator Trey Parker “never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin.”

Well said, Matt. And I dare say that was one of the best episodes ever.

Question – is there anything in the world religion hasn't ruined? Although it is a bit of a stretch calling Scientology a religion.

If Only You Were in a Position to Help

Sandra Day O'Connor, former Supreme Court justice turned lazybones has a few words about the current state of the American system of government.

O’Connor observed that there have been a lot of suggestions lately for so-called judicial reforms -- recommendations for the massive impeachment of judges stripping the courts of jurisdictions and cutting judicial budgets to punish offending judges. Any of these might be debatable, she said, as long as they are not retaliation for decision that political leaders disagree with.

I, said O’ Connor, am against judicial reforms driven by nakedly partisan reasoning. Pointing to the experiences of developing countries and formerly Communist countries, where interference with an independent judiciary has allowed dictatorship to flourish, O’Connor said we must be ever vigilant against those who would strong-arm the judiciary into adopting their preferred policies. It takes a lot of degeneration before a country falls into dictatorship she said, but we should avoid these ends by avoiding these beginnings.

In the words of Mr. Stephen Colbert, I called it! In any case, with all due respect to Justice O'Connor - fuck you, Sandy! You were, in no small way, in a position to help prevent this coup d'etat being perpetrated by the Bush administration. You were one ninth of a check and balance all by yourself! And look who you let take your place! A man so subservient to BushCo, they ask for more power, he asks how much. How can you do this to us and then read us a lecture about being vigilant in the fight against totalitarianism? Fuck you.

When Does Life Begin?

If you define "life" as something containing living cells that reproduce instinctively, then life begins at conception as well as when roots first sprout from an acorn. If, however, life begins when brain function starts, then it's a few more months along for human babies, and never at all for trees and people from Indiana.

Indiana is a step closer to requiring doctors to tell women about to undergo abortions that life begins at conception.

Removed from the bill was a provision to shackle the woman to stocks in the town square where her mother will be forced to point at her and scream "Whore!" for a half hour.

The newest version also requires doctors to tell women the fetus may feel pain during the abortion, although Planned Parenthood of Indiana says there is no proof that pain will occur before the 20th week of pregnancy, which is when more than 90 percent of Indiana abortions occur.

Also removed from the bill was a provision requiring the doctor to tell the patient all of the other things in the world that "may" happen – the Detroit Lions winning the Super Bowl; a peaceful democratic middle east; the arrival of a Republican politician who isn't corrupt; the woman's baby is actually the spawn of the Holy Spirit and is the second coming of Christ; New Orleans being completely rebuilt and better than ever. Those among about a zillion other things. I guess they thought it was too time consuming to have doctors speculate wildly about things they don't know anything about.

Despite the uncertainties surrounding fetal pain, Sen. Mike Delph, R-Carmel, urged the committee to err on the side of caution and approve the bill.

"To me, this issue is the human-rights issue of our day," Delph said.

Wow. That dude ought to take a gander at one of them Abu Ghraib photos.

A: I Dunno, Murder a Taiwanese Hooker Maybe...

Q: What does a Republican politician have to do to not get re-elected?

Ethical horror-show Tom DeLay managed to win the Republican primary for his House seat with a whopping 64% of the votes, despite the whole indictment for money-laundering thing, and the ties to Jack Abramoff, and the lying about those ties, and you know, just generally being a douchebag. Which I guess just goes to show that the old proverb is correct: Republicans love lying, cheating, stealing douchebags, but hate blow-jobs.

A Day in the Life of Natalie Portman

If you missed SNL on Saturday, you didn't miss much, except for the future Mrs. Michael Grant waxing poetic.

What you want Natalie? To drink and fight!
What you need Natalie? To f**k all night!

Prayers Answered in Thirty Minutes or Less

We must all rise up to stop the spread of Catholifascism.

If Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan has his way, a new town being built in Florida will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles, with no place to get an abortion, pornography or birth control.
...

"I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines," Monaghan, who sold Domino's Pizza in 1998 to devote himself to doing good works, said in a recent Newsweek interview.

No. What you want to do is make people get in their cars and drive 10 minutes to get their porn and guarantee hundreds of teenage pregnancies. Way to stay in the game, Tom!

Human Rights are for Sissies

For some reason, the United States -- land of the free, home of the brave -- opposes the establishment of a U.N. Human Rights Council.

The United States has become increasingly isolated in its opposition to the proposed U.N. Human Rights Council, with close European allies and Japan joining other countries, human rights groups a dozen Nobel Peace Prize winners in backing the new body.

U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan told reporters Thursday he was "chagrined about the U.S. position" and didn't know how the issue would be resolved. But he expressed hope that the United States "will find some way of associating itself with the other member states."

Try to play nice with the other boys and girls, ok, honey?

But the United States announced Monday that it would vote against the council unless the draft was renegotiated to correct what it views as serious deficiencies, especially the chance that human rights abusers could become members.

How does that old Groucho Marx quote go? "I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member."

What's so great about human rights anyway?

Finally!

We know that if he had to choose between lying and oxygen, he'd have to pause and think. But now we have video proof.

In dramatic and sometimes agonizing terms, federal disaster officials warned President Bush and his homeland security chief before Hurricane Katrina struck that the storm could breach levees, risk lives in New Orleans' Superdome and overwhelm rescuers, according to confidential video footage of the briefings.

Bush didn't ask a single question during the final government-wide briefing the day before Katrina struck on Aug. 29 but assured soon-to-be-battered state officials: "We are fully prepared."

Six days of footage and transcripts obtained by The Associated Press show in excruciating detail that while federal officials anticipated the tragedy that unfolded in New Orleans and elsewhere along the Gulf Coast, they were fatally slow to realize they had not mustered enough resources to deal with the unprecedented disaster.
...

Homeland Security officials have said the "fog of war" blinded them early on to the magnitude of the disaster. But the video and transcripts show federal and local officials discussed threats clearly, reviewed long-made plans and understood Katrina would wreak devastation of historic proportions. "I'm sure it will be the top 10 or 15 when all is said and done," National Hurricane Center's Max Mayfield warned the day Katrina lashed the Gulf Coast.
...

Bush declared four days after the storm, "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees" that gushed deadly flood waters into New Orleans. But the transcripts and video show there was plenty of talk about that possibility -- and Bush was worried too.

So there you go. He lies. He's unengaged. He couldn't be bothered to cut his vacation short to help the unfortunate people of New Orleans. I'm sure the media will explore this story to its fullest.

What's that? Is it a missing white girl? Is Angelina Jolie pregnant? Go get it, boy! Go get it!!

Those Are People Who Died Died

The Senate passed something or other regarding the Patriot Act today. The Times describes it as "new curbs on government surveillance powers" which sounds like a good thing, and it passed by 95-4, which also sounds good. But the 4 people who voted against it say that it doesn't go far enough to protect civil liberties. Which brings me to the reason for this post.

Senator Jim Bunning, Republican of Kentucky, offered another perspective in support of the antiterrorism measure: "Civil liberties do not mean much when you are dead."

With that in mind, DoG presents:

Things That Do Not Mean Much When You Are Dead (a partial list)

• Your kids
  
• Your house
  
• Your wife
  
• Your salary
  
• Your receding hairline
  
• Birth control
  
• Global warming
  
• The smoke monster on Lost
  
• Kobe Bryant
  
• New socks
  
• Birthdays
  
• Mercury in our food and water
  
• Art
  
• Health care
  
• Is it catsup or ketchup?
  
• The burning when you pee
  
• Catching up on all the shows you TiVoed
  
• How did my cellphone switch to Portuguese all of a sudden?
  
• The homeless in New Orleans
  
• Corruption in congress
  
• Finally talking to that hot girl at the gym
  
• Tastes great! Less filling!
  
• Is our children learning?
  
• Electronic voting booths with no paper trail
  
• Brokeback Mountain
  
• Oil crisis
  
• Genocide in Darfur
  
• The Latin Grammys
  
• Is Roger Clemens retiring?
  
• Healthy teeth and gums
  
• Did I leave the oven on?
  
• Nuclear proliferation
  
• Civil war in Iraq
  
• Your cholesterol count
  
• Side-impact airbags
  
• Soccer practice
  
• Was it good for you too?
  
• Asteroids from outer space
  
• Winding your watch
  
• Outsourcing to China
  
• KFC Snackers
  
• Avian flu
  
• AIDS
  
• Lyme disease
  
• Parkinson's
  
• Hepatitis
  
• Diabetes
  
• Olympic fever
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
  
• Holocaust cartoons
  
• Renewing your driver's license
  
• Fresh or frozen?
  
• Idiot fucknut senators from Kentucky
  
• The Constitution of the United States

Come to think of it – Thanks, Senator. I have been living my life all this time thinking that I could focus on more than one thing at a time. But you're right. I might die. I should sit around and worry only about preserving my life. I can forget all that other stuff until I find that immortality potion I lost. I think I looked under my bed already...