Thursday, November 11, 2004

More From Jesusland

Here's a little something from Bob Jones III. You know, the President of Bob Jones University, the place that didn't allow inter-racial dating until the year 2000.

Anyway, it's basically a congratulatory letter to Bush for winning the election. Let's look at it together, shall we?

Dear Mr. President:

The media tells us that you have received the largest number of popular votes of any president in America's history. Congratulations!

Of course, he also received the most votes against any president in America's history too. But who's counting?

In your re-election, God has graciously granted America—though she doesn't deserve it—a reprieve from the agenda of paganism.

What kind of America-hater is this guy? America doesn't deserve a reprieve from god? What about a Get out of Hell Free Card? A copy of the God Home Game? And what the heck is the "agenda of paganism?" A pentagram in every home? Federal holidays on any and all Solstices? Cloven hooves and pan-flutes for all?

You have been given a mandate. We the people expect your voice to be like the clear and certain sound of a trumpet.

In Revelations, isn't the coming of the apocalypse heralded by trumpets blasts? Does this guy know something we don't? (Of course not! We all know Bush is doing all he can to bring about the apocalypse!)

Because you seek the Lord daily, we who know the Lord will follow that kind of voice eagerly.

I call blasphemy! I interpret that to mean that the Lord is following orders from Bush! And as any Bible-thumper knows, one's interpretation of any ambiguous statement can be twisted and manipulated to serve one's own agenda!

Don't equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you.

Um, actually I despise Bush even without taking Jesus into account. In fact, I'm not sure who Bush's Christ is, anyway. He's certainly not the really admirable one, the one who taught peace and love and understanding and forgiveness and blessed are the meek, poor, and humble and all that jazz. Bush actually appears to worship one of those "Bow down before me or I'll sling a lightning bolt up your ass" kinda gods. Like Odin. Or The Emperor from Star Wars.

Had your opponent won, I would have still given thanks, because the Bible says I must (I Thessalonians 5:18). It would have been hard, but because the Lord lifts up whom He will and pulls down whom He will, I would have done it.

"I say unto thee, thou speakest bullshit." (II Emeryroolz 11:11) By the way, I Thessalonians 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So, apparently, if Bob Jones were getting his genitals gnawed off by a pack of rabid apes, he'd still have to give thanks. That's fucked up.

It is easy to rejoice today, because Christ has allowed you to be His servant in this nation for another presidential term.

Yet Christ couldn't allow the goddam Lions beat the Redskins last week? Even though I prayed like a motherfucker. Well, "God DAMN it, can't you guys EVER win?" is sort of a prayer, right? Jesus needs to get his priorities straight.

Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government.

Alrighty then. I guess that means that a woman who has her period is "unclean" and can have no contact with her family (Lev. 15:19-24), anyone caught working on the Sabbath shall be immediately killed (Exodus 35:2), you're free to give your virgins daughters over to an angry rape-mob (Gen 19:6-8), and about a million other things that don't make any goddam sense. And what the hell does the Bible have to say about limited government?

You have four years—a brief time only—to leave an imprint for righteousness upon this nation that brings with it the blessings of Almighty God.

Four years is a short time? God created the world in 6 days! He should be able to ruin this country in less than four years, right? Even if Bush insists on taking another 600 vacation days...

Christ said, “If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my father honour” (John 12:26).

I think he also said "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." (Matthew 5:9) But that was probably somewhere near the back.

The student body, faculty, and staff at Bob Jones University commit ourselves to pray for you—that you would do right and honor the Savior. Pull out all the stops and make a difference.

There have been "stops" in all this time? Jesus...

If you have weaklings around you who do not share your biblical values, shed yourself of them.

Done and done. Except maybe for Cheney. He looks pretty weak to me. I bet I could bench more than him.

Conservative Americans would love to see one president who doesn't care whether he is liked, but cares infinitely that he does right.

Can't... stop... laughing... crying... and throwing up...

PS: A few moments ago I read this letter to the students in Chapel. They applauded loudly their approval.

When I told them that Tom Daschle was no longer the minority leader of the Senate, they cheered again.

"Then I told them we were going out to picket a gay kid's funeral and bomb a planned parenthood office, and they all cheered again."

On occasion, Christians have not agreed with things you said during your first term. Nonetheless, we could not be more thankful that God has given you four more years to serve Him in the White House, never taking off your Christian faith and laying it aside as a man takes off a jacket, but living, speaking, and making decisions as one who knows the Bible to be eternally true.

A jacket? Yeah, a straight jacket maybe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm tired.

1 comment:

Michael Grant said...

Yeah! And oh wait. Is Bush supposed to be serving "Him"? Now, it all makes sense! I thought Bush was supposed to be serving the American people! THAT'S why Bush doesn't care about all the poor people, or our national security, or anything other than furthering his (His) own power.

And it's a little weird that He doesn't have the power to do whatever the hell He damn well pleases, isn't it? Oh well, let it go...