Because I love making pointless lists:

Top 6 threats to American Democracy

1. Karl Rove – I’d call this guy some kind of evil genius, but that would be an insult to the ethics and human decency of Bond villains everywhere. First of all, this guy looks like he should be wearing a sash that says "World’s Biggest Douchebag." He may be able to mastermind and machinate a dimwit into the presidency, but he probably has trouble even talking hookers into giving him a "Number 12." From bugging his own office in the middle of a gubernatorial campaign, to the Swift Boat Liars for Bullshit vendetta, to the whisper campaign about John McCain "black baby," Rove is a real piece of work. Well, piece of something anyway. No wonder Bush nicknamed him Turdblossom (which might be related to a "Number 12," actually). The sad thing is, the next Republican candidate will probably hire him, so we’ll just have more of the same shenanigans in the next election. And the one after that.

2. Jesus H. Christ – Jesus (the man) is just alright with me. Jesus (the “diety”) however… If you want to believe in something, in the privacy of your own home, no matter how stupid it is, that's fine by me. But I firmly believe that religion of ANY KIND has no business in government. It shouldn’t even be MENTIONED. To prop Jesus and The Bible up as a way to justify abstinence-only education, taking away abortion rights, forcing the teaching of creationism or fighting the teaching of evolution, blocking stem cell research, write hatred and discrimination against gays into the consti-fucking-tution of the United States, formulating a Middle East policy based on backing Israel 100% of the time and telling the Arab word to “fuq off”… guh, lost my train of thought. Anyway, basing your governmental policies on a 2000-year-old work of historical fiction (i.e. The Bible) is like basing your views on slavery on Gone With the Wind. They may both be best-sellers, but that doesn’t mean they’re not bullshit.

3. Dick Cheney – Bush asked Cheney to help him pick a vice president before his first run for the presidency. Guess who Dick picked? And he’s gone on to start 2 wars, one justified, one not. He’s given away our budget surplus to his billionaire friends and let Halliburton and the defense contractors suck us dry (and not in the good way). He’s formulated an energy policy that would make that crying Native American guy from the old commercials stop crying and eat the barrel of a 12 gauge. And he’s done his damnedest to cover it all up, by introducing more secrecy into the executive branch than anyone ever has, including Nixon.

4. Tom DeLay – A non-census-year gerrymander in Texas, laundering of illegal campaign contributions, offering bribes to other members of congress for their votes, and he looks like a klansman. I heard he goes down to the animal shelter and punches kittens once a week, too.

5. George W. Bush – I don’t believe this guy actually has anything to do with making policy. He’d have to have a clue first, and I think that it’s clear to anyone who’s watched him “debate” (he looks like an infant trying to ward off a pack of wolves, just flailing and crying) or answer questions at one of his rare press conferences (Punxsutawney Phil makes more appearances than Bush) that he doesn’t have one. But what makes him dangerous is that he puts a more benign face on the malignancy of the rest of his administration. For some reason, he’s able to get the people out there in Jesusland to swallow all the bullshit and think it’s chocolate pudding.

6. The Supreme Court – You know, that whole Bush-Gore decision. You can read about it in The Betrayal of America by Vincent Bugliosi. You know, the guy that put Charles Manson in jail. I need to go lie down. But I’ll leave with this: if two justices step down from the bench, and Bush replaces them with someone like that asshole Scalia, there are about a hundred or so precedents that will be overturned (like right to privacy, the right for gay people to have sex without being arrested), and life in America as you and I know it will never be the same. Discuss. Or run screaming to Canada.

Honorable Mention: John “I Haven’t Successfully Prosecuted One Single Terror Suspect” Ashcroft, Donald “Looting and Chaos is All Part of Democracy” Rumsfeld, that dick who runs Diebold, the electronic voting machine maker.