Comparison of Two Great Americans

Recently, braying jackass Geraldo Rivera declared that he’s “seen a hell of a lot more combat than John Kerry” in the last 35 years. This is technically accurate, in the same sense that me saying that I can currently run a hell of a lot faster than Jesse Owens would be. In response to Geraldo’s delusion of grandeur, we present a comparison of the experiences of John and Geraldo:

Event	John Kerry	Geraldo Rivera	Advantage
Combat seen in last 35 years	Does the Senate count?	Some, as an observer	Geraldo
Combat seen in the previous 35 years	A lot	Um, do 4 divorces count?	Kerry
Moustache combs broken in the last 35 years	0	6521	Kerry
Moustache rides offered	0	Too many to count	Um, push?
U.S. troop positions given away	None	Some	Kerry
Number of times mistaken for Saddam Hussein by normal, sane people	0	5	Kerry
Number of times mistaken for Saddam Hussein by Republicans	Too many to count	12	Geraldo
Chairs taken to the face on national TV	0	1	Kerry
Phony friendly fire reports filed	0	1	Geraldo, I guess
Gangster’s vaults opened to reveal nothing but a “wah waaaaaaah” sound effect	0	1	Geraldo
Number of ass-kickings at the hands of Frank Stallone	0	1	Kerry
Contributions to society	4 years military service Anti-war activism 20 years service in the Senate	"Men in Lace Panties and the Women Who Love Them"	Kerry

So there you have it. I think the comparison makes it clear that John Kerry is a weird-looking U.S. Senator and war hero, while Geraldo Rivera is a pandering, egotistical, self-aggrandizing asshole who should be beaten with a bag of oranges. My work here is done.