Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Comparison of Two Great Americans

Recently, braying jackass Geraldo Rivera declared that he’s “seen a hell of a lot more combat than John Kerry” in the last 35 years. This is technically accurate, in the same sense that me saying that I can currently run a hell of a lot faster than Jesse Owens would be. In response to Geraldo’s delusion of grandeur, we present a comparison of the experiences of John and Geraldo:

Event John KerryGeraldo Rivera Advantage
Combat seen in last 35 years Does the Senate count?Some, as an observer Geraldo
Combat seen in the previous 35 years A lotUm, do 4 divorces count? Kerry
Moustache combs broken in the last 35 years 06521 Kerry
Moustache rides offered 0Too many to count Um, push?
U.S. troop positions given away NoneSome Kerry
Number of times mistaken for Saddam Hussein by normal, sane people 05 Kerry
Number of times mistaken for Saddam Hussein by Republicans Too many to count12 Geraldo
Chairs taken to the face on national TV 01 Kerry
Phony friendly fire reports filed 01 Geraldo, I guess
Gangster’s vaults opened to reveal nothing but a “wah waaaaaaah” sound effect0 1Geraldo
Number of ass-kickings at the hands of Frank Stallone 01 Kerry
Contributions to society4 years military service
Anti-war activism
20 years service in the Senate
"Men in Lace Panties and the Women Who Love Them" Kerry

So there you have it. I think the comparison makes it clear that John Kerry is a weird-looking U.S. Senator and war hero, while Geraldo Rivera is a pandering, egotistical, self-aggrandizing asshole who should be beaten with a bag of oranges. My work here is done.

1 comment:

Matthew Smith said...

Oranges? Really? That's what's in your Geraldo-beating sack?