Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Breaking News!

I hope you're sitting down. Although if you're reading this standing up, you must be the only person in the world with an apartment smaller than mine. You should think about getting a new place. Seriously, how can you live like this? And have you ever considered buying a vacuum? Wait… Where was I? Oh yes, the shocking news - Bush Unready for Postwar Planning. Gasp!!

Yes, it's true. An independent panel has studied the war and come to the astounding conclusion that BushCo didn't know what the hell they were doing in Iraq. Strange. You'd think Bush himself would have said something about that during the campaign. Or at least Kerry might have, that idiot.

Planning for reconstruction should match the serious planning that goes into making war, said the panel headed by Samuel Berger and Brent Scowcroft. Berger was national security adviser to Democratic President Clinton. Scowcroft held the same post under Republican Presidents Ford and George H.W. Bush but has been critical of the current president's Iraq and Mideast policies.

"A dramatic military victory has been overshadowed by chaos and bloodshed in the streets of Baghdad, difficulty in establishing security or providing essential services, and a deadly insurgency," the report said.

"The costs, human, military and economic, are high and continue to mount," said the report, which was sponsored by the Council on Foreign Relations, an independent foreign policy group.
If history is any guide, Bush will read the report (they'll act it out with puppets for him anyway) and they will snap into action with a huge new initiative to solve this problem. They'll secretly call it Operation Smear Scowcroft. I'll give them a little head start by making a few suggestions for the whisper campaign which is sure to follow:
  • Scowcroft is a pussy. He was NSA when they attacked Iraq last time and was too scaredy-cat to get rid of Saddam. Now we're just cleaning up his mess.

  • Scowcroft worked for Gerald Ford. Come on! Ford? The only unelected president in the history of the country? That guy was such a loser!

  • George H.W. Bush was in the administration who sold arms to Iran if you recall. You know Iran, right? Axis of Evil? Are you going to listen to a man who was national security advisor to a guy who played a part in arming terrorists?

  • One time, I saw Scowcroft eat falafel. You know who else eats falafel?

  • Brent Scowcroft has an old "friend" from childhood, and whenever they get together he hugs him. Get it? A man hugging a man?

  • Scowcroft once went to a WNBA game.
  • Those are just a few suggestions. I'm no Karl Rove and as such I still have a soul, assuming liberals ever had souls. I'm sure they'll be able to come up with a much darker Machiavellian scheme.

    1 comment:

    emeryroolz said...

    Bill O'Reilly eats falafel! Or, uh, does SOMETHING with it, anyway...