Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Ballad of Turd Blossom

The AP has a list of important dates in the life of Karl Rove. Their list, however, is woefully incomplete. We at DoG believe in nothing if not thoroughness and thoroughity and thoroughitude, so please enjoy our updated list of Important Dates in the Life of Karl Rove.

--Dec. 25, 1950: Karl “Christian” Rove born in Denver to a woman named Rosemary Woodhouse and a guy named Satan.

--Elementary school: While browsing the “Political Strategy” section of his local library, a young Karl Rove comes across a badly mis-shelved copy of George Orwell’s 1984 and checks it out. The book has yet to be returned.

--High school years: Due to Denver’s severe under-abundance of creepy religious nuts, family moves to Salt Lake City, where Rove volunteers for a Republican senator's re-election campaign. Unpopular with the ladies, Karl does have one sexual experience, when he has a premature orgasm, 3 seconds after initiating a conversation with a girl in the lunch line. Also at this time, his hairline begins to recede and he starts to develop a second chin.

--1969-71: Attends the University of Utah and joins College Republicans after someone tells him it’s a “great way to meet chicks.” Rove later referred to College Republican events as “total sausage-fests.” Also, third chin discovered, hairline now in full retreat.

--1971-1977: Executive director and then chairman of College Republican National Committee. CRNC still a “total sausage-fest,” Rove says, with a wistful smile and gleam in his eye. Hairline now only visible with the use of two mirrors.

--1974-1975: Republican National Committee Chairman George H.W. Bush hires Rove to be his “special” assistant. Bush later learns that Rove is not really retarded, “he just looks like that.” Around this time, Rove meets Bush's son, George W. Bush at a bar in Houston. A drunken Bush alternately refers to Rove as “an alright kinda guy” and a “fat fucking homo” before passing out face down in a pool of puke (not his own).

--1977: Moves to Texas and becomes aide to George H.W. Bush's Saudi money laundering committee, a.k.a. his political action committee. Rove leaves the job to work in the gubernatorial campaign of Bill Clements, who in 1978 becomes Texas' first Republican governor in more than a century. Rove celebrates by taking a hooker to a local hotel, where she refuses his advances despite having been paid $3000. He later dismembers and eats her.

--1980: When George H.W. Bush announces his decision to run for the Republican presidential nomination, Rove is the first person the campaign hires. Rove pioneers the disastrous “name-tag” campaign, whereby all Americans would wear name tags so we would all know who everyone else is. Thus was the idea for the Patriot Act born.

--1984: Rove helps Phil Gramm win election to Senate from Texas. Gramm had recently left the Democratic Party because there were too many colored folks and not enough corporate payoffs. Gramm’s wife later worked to repeal environmental regulations and sat on Enron’s board. Good folks, those Gramms.

--1986: Rove's client, former Texas Gov. Bill Clements, and Democratic Gov. Mark White were running neck and neck in their race for governor when Rove announced he'd found an electronic listening device in his office. The controversy helped deliver the election to Clements. A federal prosecutor later clears both sides. Many Texas Democrats believe Rove concocted the story, especially since the only tapes ever produced from the alleged device featured Rove talking loudly about “what a giant cock” he had to nobody in particular.

--1994: Political adviser in George W. Bush's first run for Texas governor, an upset victory over Democratic incumbent Ann Richards. Rove is believed to have been behind several anti-Richards campaigns, such as pointing out that Richards “looks kinda dykey, like a gym teacher” and “probably hates the Cowboys,” and personally taking a shit in Richard’s flowerbeds every night. This earns him the nickname “Turd Blossom.” Bush wins a landslide re-election in 1998. Electric chair manufacturers nationwide rejoice.

--2000: Orchestrates Bush's presidential campaign, which ends in victory after Supreme Court intervenes. Highlights include Operation: McCain is a Kook With a Black Baby, Operation: Al Gore Invented the Internets, and Operation: Black People Not Allowed to Vote Any More. Third chin now in full bloom, hair a distant memory.

--Sept 29, 2003: The White House dismisses as "ridiculous" the suggestion Rove was involved in disclosing the identity of undercover CIA officer Valerie Plame. Also dismisses global warming as “poppycock,” evolution as “hogwash,” and the system of checks and balances as a “total crock of shit, man. By the way, doesn’t John Kerry look French?”

--June 10, 2004: Bush pledges to fire anyone in his administration found to have been a leaker in the Plame case. Bush later claims that while it might have SOUNDED like he said “fire,” he really said “fellate.”

--Oct. 16, 2004: Rove testifies before grand jury investigating the leak. Rove's attorney, Robert Luskin, says prosecutors have assured Rove he is not a target of the criminal probe. Although while on a rafting trip with some friends in Georgia a few weeks late, Rove is the target of another kind of “probe” at the hands of two of the Republican Party’s core voters. Rove thanks them for their support by squealing like a piggy.

--Nov. 3, 2004: Bush wins re-election with Rove as his chief political adviser. Operation: Black People Not Allowed to Vote Any More again works to perfection, in conjunction with Operation: Mention 9/11 Ten Trillion Times, Operation: It’s Hard! It’s Hard Work! He Forgot Poland!, and Operation: These Unbiased Veterans Say Kerry Totally Shot Himself, and Also, Doesn’t He Look French?

--July 10, 2005: Newsweek reports that in 2003 Rove talked to Time magazine reporter Matthew Cooper about Plame, but did not identify her by name, although he did say her name rhymed with "Balerie Blame." After weeks spent unraveling this complicated code with the help of Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu, Cooper later writes a story in which he uses Plame's name.

--July 11: Under intense questioning from reporters for the first time EVER, White House spokesman Scott McClellan refuses to repeat claims that Rove had nothing to do with the leak. McClellan is later found by a housekeeper in a White House coat closet, curled in a fetal position, rocking back and forth and sobbing softly.

--July 12: Sens. John Kerry, D-Mass., and Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., say Rove should be fired. McClellan says Bush still has confidence in Rove, challenges them to a tag-team match. McClellen and Rove to be known as The Brothers Bald, say they will be managed by Dick “The Brain” Cheney.

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