Have They Admitted the Earth Moves Around the Sun Yet?

Pope Peter Lorre, er, Benedict just released the most retarded document since George W's last college paper or Ann Coulter's last book.

In spelling out its position on Tuesday, the Vatican office that deals with education within the Catholic Church made a distinction between deep-seated homosexual tendencies and what it called "the expression of a transitory problem."

What. The. Fuck? Someone get Tom Ridge on the phone and have him work up a color-coded scale of homosexuality! At the bottom it could say "Transitory" and correspond to a nice chartreuse. Then it could move up to "Really Likes Abba" and be a lovely mauve, all the way up to "Deep-seated" in bright, nuclear neon pink, just so there's no confusion.

Notice that homosexuality is a "problem," too. Nice. You know, I consider Catholicism to be a "transitory problem" in my life. Luckily I was able to overcome it, and I'm proud to say I've been happily Pope-free for the last 13 years.

"The Church, while profoundly respecting the persons in question, cannot admit to the Seminary and to Holy Orders those who practice homosexuality, present deeply rooted homosexual tendencies or support the so-called gay culture," the document said.

"Um, yeah, we respect 'you people' and everything, but, uh, self-hating homosexuals only need apply, please. The rest of you, well, enjoy the lake of fire for all eternity."

The 21-paragraph document -- -- which advises bishops and seminary rectors on how to deal with potential gay priests entering the church -- did not spell out how the "transitory problem" could be overcome, or how a potential priest could offer proof that he no longer had such tendencies.

I'm sure they'll explain it the same way they explain everything else that doesn't make any damn sense: MAGIC! Seriously, how are they going to know if someone still has homosexual tendencies? Play the soundtrack to Rent and see if the candidate hums along with it? Bring him into a hideously decorated room and see how he reacts?

The new document underlines that church teaching consider homosexual acts "grave sins" and also intrinsically immoral and contrary to natural law, news agencies reported. "Therefore, in no case can they be approved," it says.

Anyone curious to know what the 4 grave sins are? I looked them up:

These four grave sins are: Murder (Genesis 4:10), the sin of the Sodomites (Genesis 18:20, 19:13),the oppression of the poor (Exodus 3:7-10, 20:20-22), Injustice to the wage earner (Dt 24:14-15).

Well, if you count death by torture as murder, and throw Jeff Gannon into the mix, I think the Bush administration has committed all four. But I digress.

I think the real question is, why in the hell would any gay man want to have anything to do with this bunch of morons? They think homosexuality is as bad as murder, for chrissakes. Yet, look at this:

An estimate of the number of gays in U.S. seminaries and the priesthood range from 25 percent to 50 percent, according to a review of research by the Rev. Donald Cozzens, an author of "The Changing Face of the Priesthood."

Other estimates have been as low as 10 percent and as high as 60 percent, according to news agencies.

Wow. I guess the wide discrepancy just goes to show you that it's really, really hard to tell the difference between a gay man and a priest. I mean, with the fabulous robes and the whole not having sex with women thing...

You know, could we maybe just stop making gay people of faith hate themselves, and allow them to just go on and live their lives like the rest of society? That way everybody wins. Gay people get to live happy, normal lives, and with fewer self-loathing homosexuals out there, fewer gay people will try to join the ranks of the bigoted idiots who run the Catholic church in an attempt to curb their "sinful" desires. It's a win-win!