You’re Idiots. There, I Said It.

What’s the matter with Kansas, the book title asks. This is what’s wrong with you.

The fiercely split Kansas Board of Education voted 6 to 4 on Tuesday to adopt new science standards that are the most far-reaching in the nation in challenging Darwin's theory of evolution in the classroom.

The standards move beyond the broad mandate for critical analysis of evolution that four other states have established in recent years, by recommending that schools teach specific points that doubters of evolution use to undermine its primacy in science education.

Intelligent Design is not science. This has been said so many times and so many ways so there’s no need to go into detail about it. But these idiots – these Jesusfreak morons – are so frightened by the idea that the Bible might not be literally true that they need to ruin any chance of success for their children. They need to change the school curriculum to see to it that no one sullies their children with the curse of critical thought.

Among the most controversial changes was a redefinition of science itself, so that it would not be explicitly limited to natural explanations.

The vote was a watershed victory for the emerging movement of intelligent design, which posits that nature alone cannot explain life's complexity. John G. West of the Discovery Institute, a conservative research organization that promotes intelligent design, said Kansas now had "the best science standards in the nation."

Someone needs to point out to Mr. West that supernatural explanations are by definition not science. And then hit him in the head with a brick. Perhaps science alone cannot explain the complexities of life, but saying that magic powder was sprinkled on the earth doesn’t explain anything either.

Kenneth Willard, a board member from Hutchinson, said, "I'm very pleased to be maybe on the front edge of trying to bring some intellectual honesty and integrity to the science classroom rather than asking students to check their questions at the door because it is a challenge to the sanctity of evolution."

The rube leader speaks! He thinks that talking about ghosts and goblins in science class is intellectual honesty. Isn’t that cute. Here’s some intellectual honesty – science is all about asking questions, Mr. Willard. The problem here is that all the questions you’re raising are being asked by real scientists too. They may or may not find all the answers, but the difference between them and you is that they are actually looking for answers among facts and fossils. Your mind is already made up. No amount of evidence will ever convince you that you weren’t placed on this earth by your all-knowing father figure who’s looking after you and making sure you don’t masturbate.

Listen up, people and I’ll try to never say this again, although I’m sure you’ll make me. You can’t prove a negative, so we’ll never be able to prove there is no god. But science is based on evidence. There is no evidence of the existence of god. Therefore, as far as science is concerned, there is no god. Go to your spiritual advisor to talk about Zeus and Jupiter and your bearded, cloud-dwelling Christian God. (Ha! Zeus! How silly those dumb Greeks were, they thought there were multiple gods. How could they not know better? And don’t even get me started about the Native Americans…)

As a bonus for our readers, here’s lesson one of the Michael Grant Theory of Creation: Once upon a time there were two giant brothers who lived in a wintery wonderland in space. The older brother was angry at the younger brother because the younger brother ate all the older brother’s Chips Ahoy cookies. Older Brother lured Younger Brother outside into the cold where he had hidden a large snowball covered in water, known as the Creation Iceball. He hurled Creation Iceball at Younger Brother’s head, and when it hit him he shattered into millions of pieces which then became all of creation that we know today, with his heart forming our sun, and the chunks of his brain each becoming a human being in our current form.

Hey Nebraska, show Kansas how much cooler you are and start teaching my truth.