A Cold Shower of Truth

Who better to tell you how to live your life than the most morally upright citizens in all the land, the United States Senate? Good news! They’re furiously studying masturbation with reckless abandon.

According to the Senate, the pornography industry has grown in mammoth proportions. Wherever you look nowadays, you will find it thrusting its head deep inside the warm folds of your family’s life. Despite the obvious dangers, everyday Americans continue to stroke the porn industry such that it has risen to stand tall and firm across this great land, a rock solid pulsating pillar of evil in a once happy community. As the evil grows, the two spheres of morality and wholesome family life are left dangling below, not receiving the attention they deserve. If pornography continues to be abused in such a manner, it will soon explode, spreading its evil seed far and wide across the underbelly of the heartland.

This must be stopped. I, for one, am glad that the Senate is here for us, to provide protection. A rubber sheath of sorts with which to wrap up this filthy beast, keeping our hearts and minds clean and pure. Apparently, when it comes to pornography, I can’t even trust myself!

She went on to explain that the experience of masturbation activates about 14 neurotransmitters and hormones, causing a quick chain reaction of brain activity. "There have been some experts who have even argued that, in and of itself, overrides informed consent when encountering this material," she said, apparently suggesting that an adult's own sexual self-stimulation can lead to a loss of judgment.

Oh my word. I've been taking advantage of me! It’s clear. I cannot be trusted. You cannot be trusted. The only people who can be trusted are the God-fearing, righteous men and women in the U.S. Senate. Bravo, Senators! Thank you for saving me from myself.

I feel so cheap and used...