Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!

Some loony parent's group filed 36 complaints with the FCC which were instantly dismissed. Thank god for small miracles. But that's not the good part. In Salon today, Amy Reiter lists the complaints one-by-one. And they're fucking hilarious! Some of the jokes are funny on their own, but the complete lack of anything indecent in every one of these complaints is what cracks me up. Here are some of my favorites:

"Fastlane," September 18, 2002, 9 p.m. EST: one character threatens another by stating: "...in my next life I'm coming back as a pair of pliers and pull off your nutsack."

Nutsack. Huh, huh...

"Girls Club," October 21, 2002, 9 p.m. EST: a young female attorney says to an older male attorney: "...those power dicks are going to start giving me trials." The attorney responds: "Is that what you call us? Power dicks?"

"Girls Club," October 28, 2002, 9 p.m. EST: a female character remarks: "I'm not feeling too sexual these days ... Especially here, I'm having a little trouble with one of the power dicks."

"Dawson's Creek," October 30, 2002, 8 p.m. EST: one character remarks to another: "Listen, I know that you're pissed at your dad for flaking on you. It doesn't mean he's a bad dad, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Another character responds: "No, it just means he's a dick."

"Dawson's Creek," December 11, 2002, 8 p.m. EST: one character tells another: "...you're being a dick."

"Dick" is such a problem with these people. And in this context, it's not even dirty, as in, for example, "Holy crap, look at his dick!" How did they whittle this down to just 36 examples? I can't imagine watching any random half hour of television and not finding ten things more offensive than, "you're a dick."

"Friends," May 1, 2003, 8 p.m. EST: a female character and her husband encounter the husband's former girlfriend at a medical office. After a conversation concerning fertility treatment, the female character says that she has to go because she's got "an invasive vaginal exam to get to."

They're presumably watching dozens of Friends episodes, and they're upset with "invasive vaginal exam?" I saw an episode last night where Joey and Chandler are discussing what would happen if the two of them were in a three way with a girl and making rules - "Keep your eyes closed at all time! But what if I had my eyes closed and I reached out and touched... EYES OPEN AT ALL TIMES! How do we decide what goes where? We could flip a coin. So how do we know what is heads and what is tails? If you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you!"

That's WAY more offensive than vaginal exam, isn't it?

"Run of the House," October 23, 2003, 9 p.m. EST: a female character teases her brother about dating a woman who looks like his mother and, after her brother and his girlfriend have been in the hot tub, tells him "I know what you're doing."

I kinda don't even get this one. And I definitely don't get what's offensive about it. Do you ever wonder if these parent group types are just thinking about sex, sex, sex all day long so they start these crusades as a way of flagellating themselves? Because I'm just not seeing it in this one.

"Gilmore Girls," November 18, 2003, 8 p.m. EST: in one scene, a character's grandfather reminisces about college pranks involving nudity; in another scene, two current college students discuss the night the male student spent nude in a dorm hallway. There is also another scene in which a female character listens to a brief message on her answering machine in which a male caller makes a reference to "growing a pair."

"Growing a pair" is short for "growing a pair of balls," freakparents. You see? The writers preemptively censored it already!

"One Tree Hill," November 18, 2003, 9 p.m. EST: in a school hallway, a male character tells a female character, "I've got something for you," and she replies, "I know you do, gorgeous." He then gives her a book, telling her she might want to "check it out," and she replies, "Oh, I definitely want to check it out. I suppose I could read the book, too."

Here's a bit of news for you super-censors: If you get the double-entendre, then you probably aren't offended by it. If you don't get the double-entendre, like say, maybe a kid, then no harm, no foul. She said, "I know you do, gorgeous." Not "I know you have that dick for me, gorgeous."

"Charmed," November 23, 2003, 8 p.m. EST: three female characters are talking, one remarks that she's late because she was "tied up," and another asks "where, at Richard's?" Later, one of the female characters talks about being afraid to "take it to the next level" with her boyfriend, and another character tells her to "relax and let it happen." She replies: "That's easy for you to say, you weren't the one sleeping with an angel for three years."

I know what this one's about. Sex with an angel is strictly forbidden by Christian law. Oh wait. There's no such thing as angels. Angel orgy! (oh - and let's invite SpongeBob) Oh yeah, and by the way, nutcase Christians, those three female characters - they're witches! The dark arts of Satan. Oooooohhh...

"Gilmore Girls," February 10, 2004, 9 p.m. EST: one character says to another: "you're a dick."

"Angel," February 11, 2004, 9 p.m. EST: one character says to another: "you're still a dick."

Again with the dicks? Lighten up. Oh, and again - that guy, Angel. He's a vampire. A good-guy vampire! Demons and vampires and blood and witches. Beelzebub is pissing all over that show, and you have a problem with "dick?"

"AUSA," March 18, 2003, 9:30 p.m. EST: one scene depicts Adam, a lawyer, lying on a hotel bed watching an adult movie on the hotel's video system (no video images are visible). Dialogue from one video, "Here Comes the Judge," is audible: Male voice: "The defense rests." Female voice: "Not tonight. Now hand over those briefs." The next scene shows the lawyer waking up and realizing that the adult channel continued to play while he slept. Remaining scenes contain jokes about his watching adult entertainment all night, to wit: Adam: "What's [my boss] going to say when he finds out I spent nine of my 16 hours here in Arizona watching porn?" Clerk: "You're a sad, lonely man with remarkable stamina." Another scene depicts a woman asking Adam if "he's decent," and he remarks: "I'm buttered from the waist down." Another scene has a character listing the movies Adam paid for: "Jurassic Pork, Laid in Manhattan, Catch Me in the Can."

I just had to include this one because I love fake porn names. Jurassic Pork. Ha!

"Night of Too Many Stars," May 31, 2003, 8 p.m. EDT: comedian Dana Carvey, reprising his role as the Saturday Night Live character, "Church Lady," says to the actor Macaulay Culkin: "...then we jumped on the puberty train and got all tingly ...we want to fornicate, so we thought it would be nifty to get married when we were twelve." Dana Carvey later discusses Michael Jackson and says of him: "Did he ever dangle anything in front of you at the sleepovers? ...Say, his happy man-loaf? ...When he moon walked, he didn't moon you as he walked, did he? ...Did he ever get into Billy's jeans?" Another character asks whether "his [Jackson's] shalonthaz [sic] ever rose up to salute you? You never played hide the toast?"

Um... NaziParents? You know that the Church Lady character is specifically clowning on you, right? OK, let's move on.

"The Simpsons," November 16, 2003, 8 p.m. EST: in this animated program, a scene depicts students carrying picket signs that read "Don't cut off my pianissimo" and "What would Jesus glue?" A male character says "Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage."

The Simpsons is great, isn't it? What would Jesus glue, indeed...

"King of the Hill," November 23, 2003, 7:30 p.m. EST: in this animated program, a cartoon boy is shown about to enter a communal shower at his school. An off-screen voice emanating from the shower asks, "Is that a pimple or another nipple?" As the cartoon boy removes his towel and enters the shower, his buttocks are briefly depicted.

OH NO!! Cartoon buttocks!! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!

I guess I've made my point. As a final thought to all you parents out there, especially these psycho crusading parents who clearly enjoy watching way too much television - if you don't like it, if you don't want your kid watching, change the fucking channel. We can't have art stripped of everything that makes it interesting. Everyone is different, everyone has different tastes. Stop wasting our government officials' time with these ridiculously minor complaints. And stop trying to parent the whole country. As it is, you already have your way. When's the last time you saw breasts on tv?

Uh... Oh yeah.