God is a black, sad sack poon-hound who likes to fuck Jews. For some reason, this doesn’t sit well with the Christian Right.
Speaking of Jews and sad sacks, Joe Lieberman (Douchebag Party - CT) whole-heartedly endorses the moneyman behind the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth in his nomination for ambassador in exchange for a handful of magic beans and $21,000 despite not being a member of the nominating committee, enraging actual committee member John Kerry.
Speaking of poon-hounds, Newt Gingrich finally comes clean on all the whoring he was doing in his spare time during the Whitewater Witch Hunt explaining, “If I’ve learned one thing after years and years of cheating on my many wives - keep the DNA off the dress and out of the baby chute.” He went on to advise taking a shower afterwards and coming up with a detailed but pedestrian lie for the ol’ ball and chain. But not too detailed - that’s how they getcha. Newt’s book, Extra-Marital Affairs and Foreign Policy: How My Penis Ended the Cold War comes out in the fall.
Speaking of DNA, the FBI knows what you’re buying, selling, eating, drinking, and thinking. Old news. New news - the FBI’s inspector general says it’s like, way fucking illegal, man. And half the time, the FBI agents are only trolling through your thoughts and possessions for gift ideas for their kids.