Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Ow! My Balls!

Some time has passed since my uncharacteristic outburst of optimism last month. And what a fortnight it’s been, huh? With all of their hysterical outrage, you’d think that something real actually happened to the Republicans. Something as bad as being ignored and then left for dead by a criminally negligent government after an extremely destructive hurricane. Or something…

Moving on, I’m really worried about this election, DoGgers. Yes, it will be devastating for our country and for the future of this planet if the mummified remains of the ethical Senator McCain and his bird-brained Jesus-freak sidekick were to take the White House. But honestly, I’m more concerned about our democracy.

I know that these elections can bring out the hyperbole in all of us, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot. McCain was down 10 points before he picked an unknown dunderhead governor of a backwards redneck state who lies repeatedly; who considers herself above answering questions, whether they’re from the media or an independent investigation; who has a secrecy fetish and conducts state business on private email accounts; who hires her unqualified friends for jobs and strikes down with furious vengeance those who disagree or criticize her; who is proudly ignorant of foreign policy and only very recently got her passport; who wants to ban books that make Jesus cry and views science with contempt. Stop me when the list starts to sound like anyone you know.

Choosing her has made McCain competitive again, and this is from the candidate and party who would “rather win a war and lose an election.” Newsflash, Grandpa: if you die and she becomes president, we’re going to lose everything. He’s also claiming to bring “change,” right? Change from a less-intelligent clone of Bush. Right.

Which brings me to my point. People -- even the God-fearing yokels -- hate Bush now. He’s fucking radioactive. But McCain has not only selected this Bushian moron to be his running mate, but is campaigning like Karl Rove. Not even like that; he's worse! When Bush was smearing Kerry, Gore, and even McCain and his black baby back in 2000, Bush was either using surrogates to do the really dirty work or else his lies had some kind of ring of truth to them, at least in the minds of the idiots who don’t know better or never learned to read. This time around, McCain is “approving” messages that are so obviously false that even the typically agnostic media are calling them lies. Lies! Not even those euphemisms they use like “spin” or “misrepresent.” McCain is running a campaign in which facts no longer matter. Similarly, they will not put poor defenseless little Sarah-belle out there in front of all those nasty reporters with their evil questions. McCain supporters are eating that up like buckets of friend dough. If you don’t like Sarah Palin it’s because you’re an egghead elitist or you’ve prejudged Palin unfairly. Problem is we’re not prejudging. We’re judging. And it’s fair. If you would listen to the questions and her answers, or lack thereof, you too would understand the fear we feel at the prospect of a McCain/Palin White House. But for these people, simply asking a question is an evil unto itself.

If Zombie McCain can take all of Bush’s positions and claim to be about change; if they can stir up all the divisive culture issues; if they can lie every day with impunity and go on to win this election then I fear that America’s experiment with democracy is over. If Father Time and his bespectacled airhead weather girl take the White House it will mark a turning point in American electoral history – The Day the Facts Died. From that point forward, no candidate could possibly envision a winning campaign based around truth and integrity. They’ll think, President McCain sold out everything he ever valued in his career including truth and justice and played to people’s basest fears and the lowest common denominator. An intelligent, thoughtful man with integrity running an inspirational, high-minded and honest campaign got beat. Let me think – what kind of campaign should I run?

We’d better prepare ourselves for President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

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