Wednesday, February 07, 2007

From My Cold Dead Hands

New York, New York, it’s a hell of a town.
The Bronx is up and the Battery’s down.
If you want to do anything remotely fun at any time, go fuck yourself and die, we have a million idiot tourists dying to get into the Disney Store so we can do without you, you insignificant little maggot.
It’s a hell of a town!

Is that how that old tune went? I can’t quite remember… Maybe it’s how our local legislators think it went. First it was the porn charm of old Times Square. Then it was our smokes. It was CBGB a few months ago, and countless other landmarks previous and many that are not long for this earth. And now this: Ban Proposed On Cell Phones, iPods In Crosswalk.

Read that again – banning the iPod. The one thing that brings a tiny amount of joy to my one mile walk to work in the morning, and again at night. All under the pretense of protecting us from ourselves. I guess some groovin’ motherfuckers have been jukin’ and jivin’ themselves smack into oncoming traffic. Jesus H. Christ! It’s getting so that it’s impossible to harm myself in this town!

In that spirit, our hotshot DoG insiders have uncovered the list of things they will protect us from next:

  • Fresh Fruit Smoothies
  • Camera Flashbulbs
  • Papercuts
  • Independent Filmmakers
  • Furniture
  • Cumulus Cloud Formations
  • Krazy Glue (safe only if spelled with a ‘C’)
  • Ketchup (see above)
  • Windows Vista
  • Mondays
  • Cobblers
  • Double Rainbows
  • Tire Swings
  • Comets
  • Bright Eyes Lead Singer Connor Oberst
  • Windmills
  • Muffin Stumps
  • Patchwork Quilts
  • Sudoku
  • Sierra Mist
  • Ennui
  • Sanskrit
On the other hand, an advance look shows an incomplete list of things they won’t be protecting us from:Fuck it. Just take me to the Hippodrome… What? That too??

No comments: