Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I Smite Thee!

Inexplicably, the usual sure-headed Christians are unclear about why God murdered all those people in cold blood.

As I previously mentioned, the Columbia Christians for Life think it was because of New Orleans’ free-wheelin’ abortion-lovin’ lifestyle.

But now Repent America is telling us that He caused all this suffering to prevent some gay (yes, that kind of gay) party called Southern Decadence from taking place starting today.

This raises many questions, none of which is why do these people worship a guy who is so clearly a massive asshole. No, the questions I have are:

1) Why doesn’t God make it clearer who He is smiting and why?

2) If He is so powerful as to be able to control the weather and still take the time to insert a soul into every single zygote the moment it is fertilized, why can’t He just kill the evildoers like the abortion doctors and faggots directly and specifically instead of wiping out an entire town of hard-working Christians? Are they just the supernatural version of Bush’s “collateral damage?”

3) If God is taking on killing sinners as a hobby, why doesn’t He go after the rapists and murderers in Sudan?

4) Why can’t God just chill out, shotgun a beer, and bribe girls to take their tops off with cheap beads like everyone else? Hey Dude! You’re the genius who made their breasts so aesthetically pleasing, not me! Take it down a notch!
Yeah, I don’t know. God kills in mysterious ways, I guess.


Matthew Smith said...

I don't know, my God would shotgun a beer and bribe girls to take their shirts off. Then again, my God is Neil Patrick Harris.

And yes, NPH really is that cool. Come worship with me.

Michael Grant said...

I've seen him doing blow off a hooker's ass. I also saw him assassinate President Lincoln. He's alright, that kid.

emeryroolz said...

Yes, but he was totally trippin' balls at the time...

Matthew Smith said...

What can I say? I'm unemployed and "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" has "save until I delete" status on my TiVo. Let's just say I've watched it once or twice...