Thursday, December 16, 2004

Bill O'Reilly, I Wish You Great Harm

Bill O'Reilly has his panties in a twist over Christmas this year. Apparently, the baby sacrificing, devil worshipping liberals in this country are cancelling Christmas nationwide! Yeah, good point, Billy, I almost didn't even notice it was Christmas-time. I haven't seen a single Christmas commercial, not one Christmas tree vendor, no public Christmas displays in Rockefeller Center, no Jessica Simpson Christmas shows, nothing. Christmas is about to pass right by with nary a mention.


Read this article.

"All over the country, Christmas is taking flak," O'Reilly recently announced, as he complained about "the anti-Christmas jihad" that's gripping the nation. "If they could, secularists would cancel Christmas as a holiday. That's how much they fear the exposition of the philosophy of Jesus."

Sidebar - I went to Catholic school for eight years, Baby O'Ri-Ri, and here are a few things I remember about Jesus' philosophy:

  • Blessed are the poor.
  • Turn the other cheek.
  • Love everyone equally.
  • Don't be killing people.
  • Don't judge people.
  • Help the least among us.
  • Blessed are the merciful.

    Yeah, those are nice, good things. You know what, Billy Goat Reilly? Jesus was a good dude, no question. Now, let's look at Bush's philosophy:

  • Blessed are the rich, for they shall inherit the wealth.
  • Kill them before they even get a chance to think about killing you.
  • Love anyone who believes exactly the same thing as I do and doesn't indulge in hot man-on-man action.
  • Kill retarded children if it suits me.
  • I am the Bush, thy god. You shall bow down before me.
  • Ownership society - if you don't own it, you ain't part of my society.
  • Bring it ON bitch! We'll get you dead or alive.

    I'd say that just about sums it up. Seriously, give me a single example of Bush's mercy. Just ONE, Wacky Willy.

    Back to the article:

    Throughout December, O'Reilly has positioned himself as the lone ranger, willing to step up and defend the baby Jesus. "Nobody sticks up for Christmas except me. Did Peter Jennings stick up for Christmas last night? I don't believe he did. How about Brian Williams, did he? Did Rather stick up for Christmas? No."

    Difference, Bil-Bil - they're journalists [barely], you're a hack with rage issues. They tend to kinda report, like, NEWS. Perhaps you've heard of news?

    Since O'Reilly began chronicling how Christmas was "under siege," the host has been using a slew of vague catchphrases -- "those people," "these creeps," "secular progressives," "the secular bunch," "extremists" -- to describe the lurking, godless forces who want to take Christ out of Christmas.

    Why on earth do we even allow the liberals and Jews in this country? Where's a mass grave when you need it, right Big O? Hold on... Wait for it:

    When a caller identified himself as Jewish and began to complain about "the secularization of Jews and about Christmas going into schools," O'Reilly shot back that "overwhelmingly, America is Christian. And the holiday is a federal holiday honoring the philosopher Jesus. So, you don't wanna hear about it? Impossible. And that is an affront to the majority. You know, the majority can be insulted, too. And that's what this anti-Christmas thing is all about."

    At one point, O'Reilly told the caller, "Come on, if you are really offended, you gotta go to Israel then."

    Whoop! Dey it is!! Hells yeah! Get the fuck outta my country, you stinking Jew!

    I've had enough of this. Just die already, Bill O'Reilly.

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