I Don't Think They Started the Crusades, Mel

Look, Arianna. I love you, you know that. We go way back. But if you’re going to flagrantly rip off the DoG from a year ago, can we at least get a link on the HuffPo or something? Like, seriously…

In the meantime, is that Mel Gibson a fucking asshole or what? Sugartits? Who says that?!

Play Freebird!

Check out the hot new video from George W. covering an old-school U2 track.

When that song came out, Bush was still spending his mornings cleaning the vomit off his face and trying to figure out where to tell the limo to come pick him up.

This Is What It Sounds Like When Doves Cry

The always brilliant Glenn Greenwald has an excellent post from yesterday wondering how it is that the conventional wisdom was and remains that Howard Dean was a flakey looney-toon peacenik who couldn’t be trusted with our national security despite the fact that has been proven right on every single fucking point he made about Iraq before the war started.

And the tough guy no-nonsense ass-kickers were all wrong.

Fight the Power!

In case you’re wondering, yours truly lives in the area of Queens that ConEd couldn’t fucking care less about where the power has been off for the last two days.

How is he writing this?

Ever heard of magic?

Anyway, at least according to some dude who wrote into Gothamist, I won’t have power until “next week maybe.” Great. And this was the weekend when I was going to invite ConEd over for cognac and cheese. Fuck them, then. The cheese has gone rotten anyway.

Assholes.

I Want These Motherfucking Terrorists Out of This Motherfucking Country!

President George W. Bush: *chomp* *chomp* "What they need to do is get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing this shit, and it’s over." *chomp* *chomp*

Lapdog Tony Blair: "Huh, huh... Yeah... Hmn huh huh..."

So, ignoring that Bush’s quote completely and totally exposes Bush’s ignorance and lack of curiosity in the midst of disaster (brought on by his own follies) in the Middle East as well as his baldfaced stupidity, I have a separate issue to discuss. I think he knew the mic was open.

That’s right. I think he did it on purpose. It’s exactly the sort of shit thing Karl Rove likes to pull. Here’s what it accomplishes:

• Bush’s constituents (people who think Syria is a brand of pancake topping) think he’s engaged in the Middle East.
  
• The same constituents like the idea of Bush talking with his mouth full, swinging his dick around talking tough on terrorism.
  
• It allows him to comment on the issue without actually making an official statement.
  
• It places the blame on the A-rabs instead of Israel.
  
• It explains to his constituents (again) why he’s allowing all those innocent people to die without getting himself involved.

Hey, maybe it was a real screwup because good Lord, I mean, I know he’s proud of being stupid and all, but “China is big?” God-DAMN!

I just don’t think so. This was intentional. He just happens to be real stupid too. And he’s our figurehead president. I’m so proud to be American today.

When The Onion Kills

I am going to reprint this real blog post in its entirety because I fear if I don’t, the mouthbreathing author will remove it once the number of comments reaches 1000, which at this rate should be later this hour. Enjoy!

Murder without conscience

Click here for our blog homepage

Here are some quotes from a pro-abortion person, Miss Caroline Weber, who wrote an article at The Onion online magazine.

The Onion Article

When referring to the killing of her child she said:

"I am totally psyched for this abortion!"

"Those pro-life activists made it pretty clear that, unlike me, they actually think abortion is bad and to be avoided. Are they nuts? Abortion is the best!"

"It wasn't until now that I was lucky enough to be pregnant with a child I had no means to support."

"I just know it's going to be the best non-anesthetized invasive uterine surgery ever!"

Who does Miss Weber blame her abortion on? The pro-life movement.

"The funny thing is, I actually have the pro-life movement to thank for this opportunity."

It's our fault? She says:

"If my HMO wouldn't have bowed to their pressure not to cover oral contraceptives, I never would've gotten pregnant in the first place."

Sorry ma'am, if you hadn't had sex you wouldn't have gotten pregnant, it's not the HMO's fault for not supporting your promiscuity while not married.

To sum it up, Miss Weber said:

”I realize there are people who will criticize me, calling me selfish and immature because I took "the easy way out." I realize there are those who will condemn me to hell for what I'm about to do. Well, I don't care what they say: It's worth it for all the fun and laughs I'm going to have at the clinic. So listen up, world: I'm pro-abortion... and I love it! See you at my post-abortion party, everybody!"

Miss Weber, you have killed your child, which you admit is a baby/human being, intentionally. That does make you an admitted murderer. I'm not going to "condemn you to hell", I'm going to pray for your forgiveness and for the suffering which you will endure when you realize what you have done. Every baby you see from that moment on is going to wake you up to the realization that you killed your child.

Speak out against abortion. Don't just complain about it. Join the Monthly Call for Life at MonthlyCallForLife.com. We call, email and/or march to let our representatives know that we will not stop until they stop the killing of innocent human beings!

United we stand - Divided they die - Pass it on

posted by Pete at 7:38 AM

Oh Pete. Sweet, sweet, stupid motherfucking Pete. It’s posts like these that makes life worth living. He’s seriously got like almost 1000 comments on this post, and then if you click on the first link up top there, he has tried to cover his tracks by writing about how he totally like gets that it’s satire, but don’t you see, abortion-lovers are totally like that, for like real! And they are slipping their propaganda into so-called “satirical” pieces. Clearly still not understanding the meaning of the word satire. Precious.

Why Can’t I Get Just One Screw?

A torture story on the front page of the Times is always a tiny reminder of how far we’ve fallen as a nation. This one is different, however. This one is about how the administration is backing away from their all-torture, all-the-time policy, and falling in line with the Geneva conventions. I, for one, consider this story to be another version of a presidential signing statement. It’s like a cheating husband who gets caught. He promises his wife that he’s not going to cheat on her any more. But in his head he’s already planning better ways to cover his tracks. And Bush wouldn’t even do that if there wasn’t an election coming up.

Which brings me to my point. The election year cynicism of Bush’s new “America’s sweetheart, smear some Vaseline on the-lens” persona does tell us a couple of things. First - that for the time being, we do have some simulacrum of democracy. Hitler certainly didn’t give a shit who found out about all the shit he was up to. In fact, it was vital for his plans that people did know what a fucked up psycho he was. So our elections are close to real. We can still vote and as long as the election isn’t too close, we can be assured that the results are authentic.

And in case you were worried I was going soft on you, secondly – it tells us how fucking ignorant our elected politicians think we are. They think that Bush can go around stripping away our civil rights, tapping our phones, throwing citizens in secret prisons and torturing them to death, and then a few months before an election go, “I just keeeeding!” and expect us to forget the whole thing. And they’re right, aren’t they? Hell, how are you even paying attention to me when the Tom Cruise spawn might be a hoax?

Rest assured – come December, the electrodes will be firmly and publicly back in place on the Iraqi peoples’ metaphorical and literal testicles.

The Gift of Prophecy

Or maybe it was just so blindingly obvious. From The Onion, in 2001:

Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

You know, it'd be really funny, if it wasn't so very...

Bacon and Eggs

Slate’s Michael Kinsley has an excellent piece today about the moral inconsistency in the arguments of the anti-stem cell research people. A point, I might add, that too often goes ignored in the media and in Washington. The point being that if you believe embryos are people then you have no logical alternative but to consider in-vitro fertilization clinics to be the most barbarous form of mass murder in the history of mankind.

In any particular case, fertility clinics try to produce more embryos than they intend to implant. Then—like the Yale admissions office (only more accurately)—they pick and choose among the candidates, looking for qualities that make for a better human being. If you don't get into Yale, you have to attend a different college. If the fertility clinic rejects you, you get flushed away—or maybe frozen until the day you can be discarded without controversy.

And fate isn't much kinder to the embryos that make this first cut. Usually several of them are implanted in the hope that one will survive. Or, to put it another way, in the hope that all but one will not survive. And fertility doctors do their ruthless best to make these hopes come true.

In short, if embryos are human beings with full human rights, fertility clinics are death camps—with a side order of cold-blooded eugenics. No one who truly believes in the humanity of embryos could possibly think otherwise.

I just wanted to put this up on DoG once and for all. It really pisses me off when this point is overlooked, because at the end of the day, it’s truly the only point. The researchers aren’t forcing a couple to have unprotected sex, stashing the woman away in some Matrix-like cocoon, removing her unborn child and picking it apart with fiendish laughter. They’re taking a few of these literally millions of frozen embryos that would be thrown out in any event.

I’ll go another step farther than Mr. Kinsley and attribute a motive to the hypocrites – anti-science bias. That’s it, pure and simple. The religious freakbags will do everything in their power to stop the advancement of science and human understanding. They have it in their heads that knowledge undermines their God. (I suspect it’s because they know that their religion is based on a house of cards that will collapse under the weight of even a tiny amount critical thinking.) So instead of changing their mindsets to think of God as an allegory or perhaps even to perceive humanity and consciousness as God itself, they dig in their heels on the issue of the bible as literal fact, and by God, they are going to prevent any unnecessary (other)book-lernin’.

They may not even realize they are doing it, but their contradiction in being against research but in favor of in-vitro fertilization belies their claim to hold every embryo sacred. Of course, there are a few who are also against in-vitro fertilization. Recall Bush’s emotionally manipulative (and politically motivated) snowflake babies press conference. Again, however, I call hypocrite. If Bush and the rest truly cared about the "snowflake babies," he would insist that any and every unused uterus be impregnated with these embryos every 9 months, spittin’ ‘em out like watermelon seeds at the Texas State Fair – and I’m looking right at the twin uteri of Jenna and Barbara right now, not that either of them could stay sober long enough to carry any babies to term.

But I digress. To sum up - if you are against stem cell research but ambivalent or in favor of in-vitro fertilization than you are either a complete hypocrite or a knowing participant of a genocide. Take your pick, freak.

Send In the Clowns

Did we invade Iraq to stop Saddam’s pursuit of WMD? Did we invade Iraq because Saddam is a brutal murderous tyrant? Or might it have been for some other reason?

Well, let’s look to Africa for a comparison. We’re sending troops into Africa. Did you know that? Are we sending them into Sudan, where even according to the Bush administration, we find the greatest humanitarian crisis in the world?

Nope. We’re sending troops to the Gulf of Guinea on the exact opposite side of the continent.

The region faces several potentially destabilizing factors: narcotics trafficking from South America, smuggling of illegal aliens into Europe, about $1 billion a year in illegal fishing, and pollution that threatens the coast and the local food supply, among them.

"We're looking at building the capacity and capability of the nations down there to secure the maritime domain to address these destabilizing activities," Rowden said.

Wait for it...

Maritime security is critical for the region to benefit from its natural resources and prosper economically, he said. Africa provides almost 15 percent of the United States' oil supply, much of which comes from the Gulf of Guinea. In addition, the region is rich in timber, iron ore, copper and other resources.

"Our goal is to ensure a more stable maritime environment to ensure their ability to get those resources to market," Rowden said.

There it is! Capitalism – 1; women gang-raped and beheaded in front of their children – 0. As it fucking should be.

America, fuck yeah!

That's a Shame

World-class thief, the personification of the evil of capitalism and all-around douchebag Ken Lay is dead.

I am wholly opposed to the death penalty, and find it most unseemly to revel in the death of even the fuckfaciest of fuckfaces. But I wonder if Grandpa Charlie who was robbed of his pension and Grandma Millie who spends her remaining living years gathering carts at the local Wal-Mart have a different perspective.

The Captain

I cannot put into words what this means to me.

Today could be the day we find out about the future of Steve Yzerman.

And according to a report on TSN of Canada, he's expected to retire.
…

Yzerman, 41, has been Detroit's captain since 1986, making him the longest-serving captain in league history. He is one of the league's top all-time scorers and has led the Wings to 15 consecutive playoff appearances and three Stanley Cups.

Think about that. The longest serving captain in the history of the NHL. And three Stanley Cups to boot. By coincidence, somewhere around 1983 is when I started paying close attention to hockey. In other words, I have no recollection of a Red Wings team without Yzerman on it.

You wanna know the coolest thing about the Red Wings and the respect they pay to him? If you don’t follow hockey, each team has a captain and two alternates. On their jerseys, they wear a C and As respectively. On most teams, when the captain is injured or not playing that night, one of the As puts on a C and someone else will fill in with the other A. When Stevie goes down, the Wings field 3 As. Since Yzerman became captain 20 years ago, no one has had a C on a Red Wings jersey who wasn’t #19.

What was special about Steve Yzerman was more than leading our team for two decades, more than the 100+ point seasons, more than the three Stanley Cups. What was special about Yzerman was his class. When Scotty Bowman came aboard and insisted that Yzerman take a more defensive role, that’s exactly what he did, cutting his points in half, and becoming a better leader by example. When we win, he insists it was the team, and when we lose, he’ll take the heat. Never a showboat. Never a media whore. Just a humble man excelling at the sport he loved while trying to be a regular, albeit soft-spoken guy. He was one of those special players who when on the ice, raises the playing level of the entire team, despite perhaps not registering anything in the box score.

I will never forget our most recent Stanley Cup in 2002. He was literally on one leg, the other leg was useless. He had to prop himself up with his stick when he wasn’t skating. But when he was skating, he was the best player on the ice, leading the way to victory. After the season, they did complete reconstructive surgery on that knee. The doctor said that particular surgery had only been done on the very elderly in the past. Not on a professional athlete. Stevie worked to get back into shape, and sure enough led us to the playoffs the next two seasons, last season winning the President’s Cup as the best team in the league.

He is one of the greatest players ever to don the Winged Wheel; he is a hero; he is a superstar; he is a legend. But most of all, he will always be The Captain.

We’ll miss you, Stevie!

Now They Know How John Waters Feels

Republicans have their panties in a twist again, this time because some Jesus freak film got a PG rating instead of a G. They think it’s because the MPAA is a bunch of Jews and atheists trying to “protect” our children from hearing about Jesus in any way.

"This incident raises the disquieting possibility that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence," Blunt said in a letter to MPAA Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Dan Glickman.

After meeting with MPAA officials, Blunt and a handful of other House members said they remain concerned about the subjective native of the ratings process.

You know, now that you mention it, I can think of another film with a strong religious theme that got an R-rating:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men...

It all makes sense – anti-religion bias at the MPAA. I can’t wait to see this film.