I Read The News Today, Oh Boy!

What can I say that hasn't already been said? Last night was probably the most amazing political event any of us has witnessed. It happened exactly four years after this blog was established as a protest to the idiots who re-elected Bush – clearly my work here is done.

Don't worry, I'll still be around. But for now, we get to look forward to Obama establishing his cabinet. Finally – a group of talented and wise individuals who hadn't previously been working against the interests of that government agency. I am going to enjoy the days ahead.

Go Straight To Bailout. Do Not Pass Go. Do Collect 700 Billion Dollars.

Let me start by saying that I know very little about economics. Only slightly more than John McCain. I admit I do enjoy when the latest James Surowiecki column comes out, who is a much better person from whom to get your financial advice than Phil “Nation of Whiners” Gramm. But I digress…

I just want to briefly state that on principle, I am against this bailout. Bush’s speech last night, you could have substituted "gears of the economy" with "weapons of mass destruction" and it would have been word for word the speech he gave about invading Iraq. I don’t see any reason why there is so much pressure to immediately pass, under duress, right before an election, a bill that gives $700 billion to the Treasury Secretary, former CEO of Goldman Sachs, to dole out to the very swindling companies/cronies of Bush who got us into this mess, and to do so as he sees fit: “Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.” Except to try to pull yet another one over on us.

I'm sure something needs to be done, I just don't know if this is it. And I know that if Bush said it, it behooves us to be skeptical. Again, that’s neither here nor there since I don’t know all that much about economics. But one thing I really, really don’t understand is how they are close to passing a bill already and McCain hasn’t yet provided his brilliant insight and presidential leadership skills. Did they really not need him? How is that possible?

It’s almost as if he “stopped” his campaign and called off the debate as some sort of a political… what do you call it? When Evel Knievel would jump over a bunch of buses… but like different… When they have all those explosions and broken glass in a Jerry Bruckheimer film? What is the word? Damn it! When you want to turn off your brain and be distracted from the important things in life, staring mouth agape at the flashy colors and bomb blasts and machine guns, and mindlessly absorb the senseless violence and simple jingoistic dialogue. In those movies the actors have a double who does all the…

What’s that word?


FRIDAY UPDATE: Well, Magic McCain did accomplish something by swooping into DC the day after his numerous interviews and speeches in New York – he completely undermined the agreement the Republicans and Democrats had agreed to earlier in the day. And, of course, he won’t attend tonight’s debate if there isn’t a solution.

Hmmn… If he ends up skipping this debate, and there’s almost no time to reschedule, and people start thinking there should definitely be three presidential debates, not two. What do you think they might take off the schedule?

In case that wasn’t clear enough, I am, in no uncertain terms, accusing McCain of intentionally sabotaging the bailout bill so that he can cancel Friday’s debate and reschedule it for when Sarah Palin might have to be on TV. Because he knows as well as you do that she is dumb as a post. Country first indeed, Senator.

Hooray For Fingers!

By the way, DoGgers, that last post about McCain not caring about you so he can play president for a day – that was our 1000th post. I know that it’s an arbitrary number that seems important because humans have 10 digits on their hands, but hell, people like the zeros. It feels a little anti-climactic though, you know? I think perhaps it needed more unnecessary cursing and juvenile fart jokes to be an appropriate milestone post for these pages.

Well, in just over a month we’ll be four years old. Maybe we can bring the scat then…

Thanks for reading! And, hey, see where it all began.

Meltdown

John McCain dropped a few points in the polls yesterday and all of a sudden found religion on the economy. As such, he is “suspending campaign activities” and he wants to cancel Friday’s debate. Why? Because this economic crisis is too important to the future of our nation. Once again, he is putting “Country First.”

One problem – campaigning, debating, and speaking to one’s constituents is not for the benefit of John McCain. It’s for the benefit of the American people. He is attempting to be elected President of the United States. But now he wants to stop talking about his plans and his vision so that he can go back and do a bunch of photos in the Capital Building? He wants to eliminate one of the four scheduled debates so that he can appear to be “presidential?” Newsflash, Gramps – you’re not the president. Also? You yourself have said you don’t understand economics all that well. Everyone says you’ll just be getting in the way. So what are you going to do in Washington?

Nothing.

And while you’re in Washington, what are the American people learning about you, your vision, and your plan for America?

Nothing.

And yet, you want us to elect you on faith that you’d be a good president because you can fly to Washington when there’s a crisis. Guess who else knows how to get on a plane when the shit hits the fan...


And your BFF Bush probably knows more about floods than you do about the economy.

McCain’s campaign has been more despicable than could have been imagined knowing that Karl Rove is merely the puppetmaster lurking in the shadows and not running everything day to day. The lying, the dodging, the ignorance, we’ve all read about plenty. But this new “not speaking to the press is patriotic” meme is perhaps the most democracy-damaging thing yet. Sarah Palin is locked in a closet like a Trekkie’s prized Captain Pike action figure, and now McCain claims that the most important item on his agenda is to not talk to us - the voters, the taxpayers, the citizens of this nation.

McCain is expecting you to vote for him because of a gimmick he pulled and not because of his positions or worldview. Does he really think you're that dumb? Wasn't the Palin gimmick insult enough? Are you really going to take this crap from that crazy old man?

Ow! My Balls!

Some time has passed since my uncharacteristic outburst of optimism last month. And what a fortnight it’s been, huh? With all of their hysterical outrage, you’d think that something real actually happened to the Republicans. Something as bad as being ignored and then left for dead by a criminally negligent government after an extremely destructive hurricane. Or something…

Moving on, I’m really worried about this election, DoGgers. Yes, it will be devastating for our country and for the future of this planet if the mummified remains of the ethical Senator McCain and his bird-brained Jesus-freak sidekick were to take the White House. But honestly, I’m more concerned about our democracy.

I know that these elections can bring out the hyperbole in all of us, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot. McCain was down 10 points before he picked an unknown dunderhead governor of a backwards redneck state who lies repeatedly; who considers herself above answering questions, whether they’re from the media or an independent investigation; who has a secrecy fetish and conducts state business on private email accounts; who hires her unqualified friends for jobs and strikes down with furious vengeance those who disagree or criticize her; who is proudly ignorant of foreign policy and only very recently got her passport; who wants to ban books that make Jesus cry and views science with contempt. Stop me when the list starts to sound like anyone you know.

Choosing her has made McCain competitive again, and this is from the candidate and party who would “rather win a war and lose an election.” Newsflash, Grandpa: if you die and she becomes president, we’re going to lose everything. He’s also claiming to bring “change,” right? Change from a less-intelligent clone of Bush. Right.

Which brings me to my point. People -- even the God-fearing yokels -- hate Bush now. He’s fucking radioactive. But McCain has not only selected this Bushian moron to be his running mate, but is campaigning like Karl Rove. Not even like that; he's worse! When Bush was smearing Kerry, Gore, and even McCain and his black baby back in 2000, Bush was either using surrogates to do the really dirty work or else his lies had some kind of ring of truth to them, at least in the minds of the idiots who don’t know better or never learned to read. This time around, McCain is “approving” messages that are so obviously false that even the typically agnostic media are calling them lies. Lies! Not even those euphemisms they use like “spin” or “misrepresent.” McCain is running a campaign in which facts no longer matter. Similarly, they will not put poor defenseless little Sarah-belle out there in front of all those nasty reporters with their evil questions. McCain supporters are eating that up like buckets of friend dough. If you don’t like Sarah Palin it’s because you’re an egghead elitist or you’ve prejudged Palin unfairly. Problem is we’re not prejudging. We’re judging. And it’s fair. If you would listen to the questions and her answers, or lack thereof, you too would understand the fear we feel at the prospect of a McCain/Palin White House. But for these people, simply asking a question is an evil unto itself.

If Zombie McCain can take all of Bush’s positions and claim to be about change; if they can stir up all the divisive culture issues; if they can lie every day with impunity and go on to win this election then I fear that America’s experiment with democracy is over. If Father Time and his bespectacled airhead weather girl take the White House it will mark a turning point in American electoral history – The Day the Facts Died. From that point forward, no candidate could possibly envision a winning campaign based around truth and integrity. They’ll think, President McCain sold out everything he ever valued in his career including truth and justice and played to people’s basest fears and the lowest common denominator. An intelligent, thoughtful man with integrity running an inspirational, high-minded and honest campaign got beat. Let me think – what kind of campaign should I run?

We’d better prepare ourselves for President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Senator Crazy McOldie and the Hot Gov!

Congratulations, President Obama! We just won this thing. I’m not typically prone to fits of confidence, or even small twangs of optimism. But shit, by choosing Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, Johnny GetOffMyLawn just sealed his own fate.

1. She’s younger than Obama and been governor for less than one term. Obama’s so-called lack of experience is pretty much off the table.
   
2. She’s governor of Alaska. Look, I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think a sloth of grizzly bears has ever invaded any former Soviet republics.
   
3. He’s older than dirt and she’s a former Miss Alaska runner up. Taking into account how he cheated on his wife and then left her for the younger, richer, more attractive beer heiress (to buy him who can remember how many homes), he’s going to look like a dirty old man standing up there next to her.
   
4. Let’s be honest. McCain’s got one foot in the grave. They’re worried about Obama’s experience and yet we’re going to practically hand the reins of the country over to a 44 year old woman with two years of political experience, no foreign policy background, and who doesn’t even live in the lower 48 states? I used to watch Northern Exposure, ok? It’s different up there.
   
5. I think McCain is underestimating the sexism in this country. Doesn’t he remember the Hillary proxies complaining about it all the damn time? Grandpa Naptime has supporters who would never vote for a black man or a woman. I think a lot of those rednecks will just be staying home this year.

And the most important reason that McTemperTantrum just lost this election – how fucking condescending to women can he be?

McCain is obviously choosing Governor Palin because he thinks he can win over Hillary supporters. He is so out of touch and patronizing towards women that he thinks he can get the dumb broad vote (his words, I promise you) by throwing a different set of breasts up there. Have you seen Palin’s opinions? She wants to drill so many holes in ANWR it’ll look like the surface of the moon; she is pro-life; she is anti-civil rights for homosexuals; she is anti-protecting the environment; she is pro-health insurance companies. In other words, she is a loyal Bushite soldier. If McCain thinks that women will blindly vote for someone so clearly the opposite of Senator Clinton on the issues simply because they share the same genitals, then he just doesn’t give women much credit, does he?

Tim Russert - Rest In Peace

The shocking news on Friday was that Tim Russert died suddenly of a heart attack at age 58. This happened roughly a month from when Clinton advisor and certifiable loon Terry McAuliffe prematurely declared Tim's dad to be dead. I don't know what that means, but all I'm saying is that if Terry starts talking about your dad, I'd do whatever I could to get him to stop.

I've had some complex thoughts over the days since I heard the news. First and foremost, I've TiVoed Meet the Press since I first got a TiVo. But on the other hand, I actually watch it a lot less frequently than I did back when I used to post here four or five times a day. A friend of mine said he felt guilty because his first thought was, Maybe we'll get someone good to host MTP. Maybe. But "good" wasn't really at issue. He had the right idea about it, right? Russert used to talk about when he first took over hosting the show, he got in touch with the very first moderator of MTP. He asked him what he should do and the old dude replied (to paraphrase): Learn everything you can about your guest and take the opposing viewpoint.

Tim did that. Sort of. He definitely gathered quotes and items and gotcha pieces. The problem was how much harder he was on Democrats than Republicans. He'd let a Republican get away with lying or changing the issue. A Democrat would go on there and Tim would keep harping on the same point over and over. I mean, watch the episode with President Bush if you really want to see the softballs fly.

But is that evidence of bias? I'd say no. I think the bigger problem with Russert was the way he epitomized the concept of "Washington Insider." Tim was the kind of journalist who really got off on mingling at those Washington parties, going to the correspondent's dinner, having high-level sources and the like. When you view his performances through that prism, you can see why he would take it easier on the bigger fish - they're his buds. They're the guys he's going to grab a whiskey with after the show. And as we all know, it was this culture in Washington that enabled the Bush administration to start a vicious and endless war in Iraq. Tim has that to answer for.

And finally, I can never forgive that Russert was reporting on the Valerie Plame affair even after it became known that he was one of the main players in the case. He never mentioned his involvement in it until well after it was over, and he would sit on TV talking about the case as though he was an unaffected outsider. That's not journalism, I'm sorry to say. But it, once again, highlights his uber-insider status. When the White House wants to pass along lies/classified information/hit pieces to be repeated without scrutiny, who they gonna call? Little Russ.

All of that said, he's the closest thing we have... had... to a real journalist on TV. Who else? Wolf Blitzer? Jesus, talk about an empty vessel. Stephanopoulos or Charlie Gibson? Did you see that debate? Brian Williams? He's too busy worrying about charming you and being funny on The Daily Show to be a good journalist. Olbermann? I love the guy, but he's got an axe to grind, let's face it. Katie Couric? Isn't there a kitten being rescued from a tree somewhere that needs covering? There's no one on TV right now who would be as good at MTP as Tim Russert was, however flawed he might have been. So at the end of all this pondering, I find myself missing him. It's a real shame.

I'll leave you with this, some words of advice he talked about once on a talk show that I've never forgotten. He was talking about his dad, Big Russ. He said his dad used to say: You gotta eat! He used to hear that all the time when he was a kid. Tim said it wasn't until he was an adult that he heard and understood the full expression. Being an Irishman's Irishman, the expression actually was: "You gotta eat... if you're gonna drink."

Now that's some wisdom you can use. Farewell, Tim! I'll be tipping back a Jameson tonight in your honor.

Nappy Headed Ho

In case you were of the delusional belief that the mainstream right wing institutions were going to cover the presidential campaign with dignity and without stoking the racism of their supporters, guess again:

You Go To Hell! You Go To Hell And You Die!

Remember Pastor John Hagee, the dude who is like super-happy God sent Hitler to totally help out the Jews? And then McCain finally said enough is enough with this douchebag?

It turns out that ex-veep candidate, ex-Democrat, ex-reasonable human being, and renowned Jew, Joe Lieberman is still BFF with Hagee.

But, as Max Blumenthal reported on Tuesday, Lieberman -- a strong supporter of Israel -- is the scheduled headliner for a July summit organized by Christians United for Israel, which Hagee founded and still chairs. On Wednesday, Lieberman confirmed that he will appear at the summit.
…

Hagee has indeed been a supporter of Israel, but that's largely because he believes the country will be the site of Armageddon, which he thinks is imminent.

Koppelman neglects to mention or assumes he implied that Hagee also believes that during said apocalypse, the Jews will either accept Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior or be cast into the fires of hell. Or as Rabbi Michael Lerner put it on Bill Moyer’s Journal:

And everyone -- all the rest of us so they're welcoming us now -- with open arms and saying, "Oh, we love the Jewish people" But they love the Jewish people literally to death because they want see those of us who stay Jews burn in hell but not -- not right away. They don't imagine it will happen right away. So there's a staged process. And this is the first stage in the process that will eventually lead either to us converting totally to Christianity or burning in hell. So it's not a really great future for the Jews that those theological people have in mind.

I just thought our pal Joey would be interested to know what Hagee really thinks of him. And it’s kind of worse than Nixon and Billy Graham really.

Redneck Wedding

I’m told this weekend is the eagerly anticipated arranged marriage between the Rove employee and the president’s daughter so that the two evil dynasties can merge into a singular unholy union. Talk about doing it old-school… Speaking of which, do you think they’ll display the blood-stained wedding sheets as it requires in the Bible? If so, you better go get your fancy stoning rocks, cuz Lord knows this doofus ain’t the first horse-rustler to trespass in that barn.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is to highlight this photo of “souvenirs” available for sale:



Specifically, the Texas shaped mock invitation. Thing is, I wouldn’t be even a little surprised if the real invitations were Texas shaped as well. One of these days I would like an answer as to why Texans are obsessed with the shape of their state. Have you ever been to Texas? Things that wouldn’t normally be associated with geography often come in the shape of the state. Clocks, bathroom signs, windows, condom wrappers, magazines, ice cream cones, chairs, dart boards. You name it. I just don’t get it. You don’t see Mainers running around with Maine shaped belt buckles, or Ohioans with Ohio shaped shoes. They don’t grow specially engineered Florida shaped oranges (although those would be quite popular). Texans have an inordinate amount of pride, not only in their state, but in the specific shape of their state. Perhaps it’s because after years of living in ignorance and avoiding critical thought, the living world frightens and confuses them. When they see a shape from their childhood, it comforts them. Like tasting Mom's chicken soup or furiously masturbating under the blanket you hope Jesus can't see through.

Please Welcome The Next President Of The United States, John McCain!

Well, you fucked me again, Texas. God, I hate you, Texas. Hillary “won” three of four primaries last night. I put “won” in quotes because she inched like maybe 10 delegates closer and still has roughly no chance to win the nomination democratically. But because the American people have the attention span of a three-year-old child, and the press that of the three-year-old’s pet bug, it now seems like Hillary is charging back into contention. Why would she drop out now that she took Ohio and Texas?

And it’s worse than that because in this stupid “electoral” process we’ve got here, perception can trump reality and with Hillary’s obvious win-at-all-costs attitude, I can imagine a scenario wherein she uses the perception that she’s on the rise to convince the superdelegates to vote in her favor, thus countermanding the will of the people. And as a firmly entrenched party insider, she could conceivably get Michigan and Florida’s votes to count, which she “won” by virtue of being the only Democrat too stubborn to take her name off the ballot. Even assuming she doesn’t decide to disenfranchise the Democratic Party primary voters, the scorched earth campaign she’s running against Obama is giving the Republicans tons of ammunition to use against him, (“If Hillary Clinton doesn’t trust him to lead… How can you?”). Whether she’s willing to admit it or not, the longer she stays in is just that much closer to having President John “100 Years In Iraq” McCain.

Jesus, Hillary. You can lose this race and conceivably become the Senate Majority Leader. Would you really rather have a Republican in the White House when you’re trying to get a bill passed? Is being president more important to you than fixing the major fuck-job The Talking Chimp (thanks again, Texas) did to our country the last eight years? God help us…

Shh! Don’t Mention The 4,000 Dead Soldiers In Iraq

Today, King Kaufman hits the nail on the head. If you’ll allow me to crudely paraphrase his point - “What the fuck is Congress doing spending all day with Roger Clemens?” Although I am loathe to speak for one of my favorite writers:

Whether McNamee's specific statements about Clemens are true or not is, as one committee member pointed out, important to Clemens and McNamee, but not so important in the scheme of things. If Clemens were somehow proved pure as the new-mown infield grass, it wouldn't mean that baseball's drug problem were any less serious. If a video of him shooting HGH in his butt were to surface, it wouldn't mean baseball's drug problem were any worse.

If Clemens is guilty of a crime, let him stand trial in court, where there are standards of evidence and he has the right to face and cross-examine his accusers. If the House Oversight Committee is going to try to make policy to tackle the drug problem in sports, let it get down to business instead of grandstanding by acting as a kangaroo court.

We all know why they’re really doing this. A) It’s uncontroversial. No one’s going to lose an election being anti-steroids. And B) This gets the committee off of C-SPAN and live on ESPN. If you value your health and well-being then you know to never, ever get between a congressman and a camera. But still, this is our tax money, yours and mine, and we’re spending it trying to figure out whether a single person, who happens to have been a world-class asshole his entire career, is lying about taking some drugs once. Holy fucking shit.

I guess there is one good thing to have come of it. Roger Clemens is the planet’s biggest douchebag, but also probably its best ever pitcher. If this keeps him out of the (increasingly irrelevant) Hall of Fame, maybe it’ll all be worth it.

Truth Fart

As a loyal -- some might say religious -- reader, I’m sure you are aware of my disdain for the cable news programs. However, on certain days, I like to get a quick update on things. And with Obamamentum(© 2008) kicking into high gear, I couldn’t wait, you know? Naturally, I tuned to MSNBC where my man Keith is employed. The problem with Keith is that on these special nights his partner is Chris Matthews, the most bloviating, egotistical, Clinton hating, common wisdom barfing, incorrectly predicting, self-aggrandizing no-nothing blowhard this side of Fox News. But during the few minutes I had it on, this gem plopped directly out of Matthews’ mouth and into my living room:

”I forgot I was supposed to talk, not think.”
- Chris Matthews (February 12, 2008)

It’s probably written in his contract. If anyone out there can find the transcript or better, the YouTube, I would be much obliged…

Super Happy Fun Double Whopper Tuesday

Some idle thoughts on yesterday’s activities:

• I titled my post from yesterday Super Duper Tuesday. You might not know this unless you’ve read DoG at least one other time, but I despise cable news and avoid it at all costs. However, I did watch the returns last night. It was there that I was horrified to discover that they have actually been calling it Super Duper Tuesday for some time now. You see, I thought I was making a silly joke, and in so doing made myself look like Chris Matthews. I honestly couldn’t be more embarrassed if I were caught by my friends at the Hannah Montana movie. (Which couldn’t have happened because I wore a fake mustache!)
  
  
• Personal voting experience: I typically go to the polls on my way home from work. However, yesterday my significant other insisted that I wait for her to get home, otherwise she probably wouldn’t go. (In her defense, those old ladies can be rather intimidating. I mean, what’s with the gat, Mildred?) Being the fan of democracy you know me to be, of course I waited. When we get out of our respective booths, I ask - so, who’d you vote for? Hillary! she says. (Privacy of the voting booth be damned!) It was then that I realized I had just disenfranchised myself through my own gentlemanly nature. My vote for Obama didn’t count. Ah well…
  
  
• This had occurred to me a few weeks ago, but I didn’t want to say anything lest we end up with President Huckabee. (Don’t even get me started about how saying your sports team is doing well is all it takes to cause a crushing defeat.) Now that it looks like McCain will be the Republican candidate, we can note that no matter what (barring a spectacular fall) a sitting senator will be elected president. That hasn’t happened since JFK.
  
  
• Read this blog post by The New Yorker’s George Packer. It’s short but insightful, and this excerpt summarizes my big worry:

  I woke up a few mornings ago with the realization that the fall election will not be the Democrats’ to lose. Presidential races in my adult life never have been, and this year—in spite of a failed Republican Presidency, conservative disarray, and the massive Democratic turnout in the primaries—will be no exception. McCain has broad appeal; Clinton antagonizes almost all Republicans and many independents and Democrats; Obama’s real support beyond Democrats is unknown. There are plenty of reasons to wonder whether enough Americans will vote for a candidate who is black, and this Times article from Columbia, Tennessee, is a reminder of the steep obstacles. As strange as it sounds, despite a failed war, a brittle economy, and widespread Bush revulsion, I actually think that McCain would be the favorite against any Democrat. But last night made it clear that the Democratic Party is a better picture of the future. Republicans are trying to stay in power on a shrinking platform while mouthing stale slogans. President McCain would be more Jimmy Carter than Ronald Reagan—a last gasp, not a leap forward.

  I especially like that last part. McCain may win, but it’s really the end of the road for them. And here’s my other thought about McCain. I don’t want to say anything too bad, but I’m just saying - we have to pay close, close attention to his running mate. McCain’s old, and he’s been through a whole lot. You know y’alls are thinking it. I’m the only one with the onions to (almost) say it.
  
  
• I’m disappointed in the results. I had high hopes for Obama’s chances in California. It appears that Hillary took it in a walk. And despite the fact that both camps are acknowledging that the delegates are pretty much gonna end up even, (which is crazytown, btw. Whoda thunk?), it seems to me that Hillary’s going to end up getting the nom. Which is the story of the Democrats, as far as I’m concerned. We got pumped up on Dean in ’04 and ended up with milquetoast Kerry. Bradley was the insurgent in ’00, and we got Snore Gore. (Oh, I’m a fan now, don’t get me wrong. But you know what I mean.) And it looks like we’re going to shoot ourselves in the foot again. We have inspirational Obama. A man who is getting the youth out voting like never before - record turnout in fucking primaries! And we’ll end up nominating old news, has-been, Hillary Clinton and her capitulate-to-the- Republicans-because-she-thinks-it-will-get-them-to-lay-off- even-though-everyone-knows-they-never-will strategy. To paraphrase Bill Maher from Larry King the other night, if Hillary wins she’ll of course be light years better than Bush. But she’s never going to be able to make a real change in this country like Obama could. Not that he will, mind you, but he’s the only chance. She’s too close to powerful lobbyists and entrenched interests and the status quo to do the unthinkable. We’re coming upon an historic opportunity to do something right for once, and I see it slipping through our fingertips like so much water from a melting glacier that she won't do much more than Bush to stop.

Merry Super Wacky Crumbelivable Won’t You Take Me To Funkytown Tuesday, everybody! No matter what you want to happen, you've got to admit it’s interesting to watch.

Super Duper Tuesday!

Listen, I’m not going to tell you how to vote today, if you get to vote today, as I do. I’m just going to say that the hard-core Republicans have to hold their noses to vote for McCain or for Mittens. You can see by the turnout numbers in the primaries so far that they’re not so much excited about this year’s election.

It’s conceivable that with either one of those candidates a large number of conservatives will just stay home in November. Except for one thing - the one person on the planet they hate more than their primary choices is Hillary Rodham Clinton. They would trample over their own mothers to do harm to the Clintons. Do you really want to give them something to get excited about on election day?

Besides how great is it going to look on a debate stage with a youthful, fresh, vibrant Barry against a death warmed over John McCain?

Vote Obama. Sleep easy.

1/30/08 - Never Forget!

Rudy 9iu11ani’s campaign has crumbled to earth after being struck by the twin engines of Huck and Mittens. As Rudy leaps off the side of the campaign trail and plummets to his political death, we are left with the lingering stench of a hard fought battle he was ultimately destined to lose.

The brutality of this tragedy will one day be seen as a turning point in history, but for now we can look back and reminisce about a more innocent time in all of our lives - a time when we actually thought that a thrice-married cross-dressing homo-hugging adulterous incompetent fascist who is hated by all who were once close to him might be able win the Republican nomination.

Those were the days...

Update Me, Amadeus!

What’s that? Oh… OH! Hey! Is that you? Wow! It’s so weird, running into you like this. But, hey, you look great! Have you been working out? Well, I don’t know, you look fabulous! Are those new shoes? They’re very nice. Yeah, yeah, I’ve been keeping busy, you know how it goes… Yeah, no the orphans aren’t gonna feed themselves, you know? Nah, I’m no hero. It just keeps me sane, what with all this shit going down lately. What have you been up to? Oh boy, you haven’t been reading at all? You really should. I mean, that’s the thing, I just found that I had nothing to add. How many different ways can you express Bush’s douchebaggery? Ah, well, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just stop calling like that. I didn’t think you’d take it so hard. But you look great, really you do! What’s up, you ask? Well…

• Last night was Bush’s State of the Union. Do you know that this was the only one I’ve missed since he took office? Yeah. No idea what he said. Well, that’s not true. Let’s see - tax cuts are good, we’re winning in Iraq, Islamofascists, look at the hero sitting next to my wife. Did I get the gist? Probs.
  
• Oh, I guess the Washington Post isn’t sure if this is Bush’s final SOTU. Ominous, no?
  
• I’m 100% an Obama man now. And even if I were still on the fence, some of the shit that Bill Clinton has been saying and doing lately has me even more convinced. As it is, as time goes on, have you noticed the luster coming off of Clinton’s presidency? Hillary is basically running on the same platform of triangulation and appeasement of the Republicans. Have we not seen how that just does not work? You give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. Every single time. Yet here she is constantly trying to compromise with them. How do you compromise with a group that sees in such stark black and white? Aside from that, let’s not forget that it was Bill Clinton who started things like globalization, like media consolidation, and he certainly did nothing to reform campaign financing. I’m not saying that Obama will necessarily fix things, but I’m certain that the same-old same-old cannot.
  
• A $600 rebate? Are you fucking kidding me? Will someone please explain in simple terms how this will do anything at all to help the economy? And besides, when we got our bullshit refund checks last time it was because - Oh my god, the size of that surplus scares the hell out of me, we have to give it back to the people, because investing in lottery tickets is way better for the economy than roads or health care. This time it’s - Oh my god, look at the size of that deficit, we have to give people money because people buying cheap hooch on China’s dime is way better than, well, than not buying cheap hooch.
  
• The Hives at the NHL all-star game were awesome. Klippa på!
  
• By the way, have you heard the new Magnetic Fields album? It's worth a listen.
  
• Holy shit, Lost is back this week! Kick ass! Who is on the other end of that phone??
  
• And speaking of which, might the writers’ strike be coming to an end? The WGA is making side deals with individual studios. If that strategy works, do you realize what it will represent? It would mean that for like the first time ever, a labor union will have broken a management partnership. How sweet would that be?
  
• The best thing to ever happen in Park Slope: reclaiming the bars from the fucking children.

Shit, look at the time. Hey, it was great talking to you, but I gots to split. I’d really like to hang out again, though. Get in touch with my people. Honest, let’s work something out! You’re the best…

Still Hockeytown After All These Years

I haven't written in almost a month. I guess there are like voting stuff thingees happening or something. So, I'm jumping in here to talk for a spell…

…about hockey.

The boys at Melt Your Face Off be talkin' smack about your Detroit Red Wings, particularly in reference to the Wings' complete and total domination of the 2008 all-star roster.

Before I go any further, I first came across the MYFO blog after their drop-dead hilarious turn writing the NHL Closer for Deadspin last month. So, much respek MYFO. But… this Red Wings hatin' gots ta stop. And it stops now.

Putting aside jealous rivals, what is there to legitimately hate about the Detroit Red Wings? And even the rival jealousy is bullshit because the Wings have won a grand total of 10 Cups to Montreal's 24 and the Leafs' 13. For that matter, the Wings have only won 3 of the last 52. (3 of the last 10, I grant you, but still…) The Wings play a wide-open offense-based puck control game that keeps the puck moving end to end, which is exciting for fans of both teams. Contrast this with Minnesota or New Jersey and The Trap, the basic strategy of which is to do your best on-ice imitation of the U.S. in a World Cup soccer game by not scoring for 60 minutes followed by five more excruciating minutes of not scoring in overtime.

The Wings never field a team of thugs like Philadelphia and their stick-swingin' ways; like Anaheim with headhuntin' Pronger and Scotty Niedermayer (to say nothing of having a roster half of whom "unretire" part way through the season - we're at war, pick a side!!); like Colorado with the unholy trinity of Patrick Roy, Claude Lemieux and Peter Forsberg. [We're choosing to overlook Detroit's misguided and wildly unsuccessful foray into thuggery with the trade deadline pickup of Todd "I'll Break Your Neck" Bertuzzi. He's precisely the exception that proves the rule in that he didn't fit in even a little bit.]

The Red Wings' all-stars this year are Nick Lidstrom, Pavel Datsyuk, and Henrik Zetterberg. These men were actually voted in by the fans. This is notable for 2 reasons: the Wings have a well-rounded team rolling four lines, not allowing for the stat-padding of a Crosby or Ovechkin who play on teams where they're the only good player to speak of (or at least on the only good line). Secondly, Detroit is in a wild economic tailspin and people aren't going to the games. This means that the home vote is probably way down. Smart people who know their hockey, without just scanning the league leaders or picking the home team straight away, voted for Hank, Dats, and Nick.

Back to MYFO… They are acting as though the Red Wings have inherited a legacy of undeserved winning, or their deep pockets are buying championships ala George Steinbrenner. I'll first refer to not having won all that many championships, but also point out that these particular all-stars were drafted in the 3rd Round (Lidstrom), the 6th Round (Datsyuk), and 7th Round (Zetterberg). They were there for the taking; the Wings were the only team smart enough to take them. Back when the Wings grabbed Brett Hull, Brendan Shanahan, Luc Robitaille, even back to Paul Coffey, sure, maybe it was the pocketbook. But the salary cap era has begun. And yet, the Wings still lead the league year after year. That's not entitlement. That's solid management, solid coaching, and solid scouting.

The drafting isn't just about stars either. It's about the right kind of stars. And that all leads back to The Captain, Steve Yzerman. I don't even think the playa-hatas at MYFO could find a bad word to say about Stevie. We all know his heart, his understated command, his determination to win. The longest serving captain in the history of all North American sports, the Red Wings have been Stevie's team for over two decades, and they remain his team even now that he's retired (with all due respect to Nicklas who carries on in true Yzerman fashion). He taught these Red Wings the values that they now embody. He demonstrated that winning and losing is about what's inside, not about running your mouth. This is a man who led the Wings to their 2002 Stanley Cup on one leg, in the twilight of his career and still managed to be the best player on the ice despite being surrounded by a roster full of all-stars. This is the man who had record-setting seasons stats-wise, and when his coach asked him to take on a more defensive role, he did so – and excelled. His quiet leadership brought the team to where they are today, and you don't hear about our superstars "makin' it rain" or wrapping cars around telephone poles. The Red Wings' proud tradition isn't just about the pride of winning. It's about being a team you can actually be proud of.

So I beg of you - without being intellectually dishonest, what bad can you possibly say about the Detroit Red Wings?