Senator Crazy McOldie and the Hot Gov!

Congratulations, President Obama! We just won this thing. I’m not typically prone to fits of confidence, or even small twangs of optimism. But shit, by choosing Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, Johnny GetOffMyLawn just sealed his own fate.

1. She’s younger than Obama and been governor for less than one term. Obama’s so-called lack of experience is pretty much off the table.
   
2. She’s governor of Alaska. Look, I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think a sloth of grizzly bears has ever invaded any former Soviet republics.
   
3. He’s older than dirt and she’s a former Miss Alaska runner up. Taking into account how he cheated on his wife and then left her for the younger, richer, more attractive beer heiress (to buy him who can remember how many homes), he’s going to look like a dirty old man standing up there next to her.
   
4. Let’s be honest. McCain’s got one foot in the grave. They’re worried about Obama’s experience and yet we’re going to practically hand the reins of the country over to a 44 year old woman with two years of political experience, no foreign policy background, and who doesn’t even live in the lower 48 states? I used to watch Northern Exposure, ok? It’s different up there.
   
5. I think McCain is underestimating the sexism in this country. Doesn’t he remember the Hillary proxies complaining about it all the damn time? Grandpa Naptime has supporters who would never vote for a black man or a woman. I think a lot of those rednecks will just be staying home this year.

And the most important reason that McTemperTantrum just lost this election – how fucking condescending to women can he be?

McCain is obviously choosing Governor Palin because he thinks he can win over Hillary supporters. He is so out of touch and patronizing towards women that he thinks he can get the dumb broad vote (his words, I promise you) by throwing a different set of breasts up there. Have you seen Palin’s opinions? She wants to drill so many holes in ANWR it’ll look like the surface of the moon; she is pro-life; she is anti-civil rights for homosexuals; she is anti-protecting the environment; she is pro-health insurance companies. In other words, she is a loyal Bushite soldier. If McCain thinks that women will blindly vote for someone so clearly the opposite of Senator Clinton on the issues simply because they share the same genitals, then he just doesn’t give women much credit, does he?

Tim Russert - Rest In Peace

The shocking news on Friday was that Tim Russert died suddenly of a heart attack at age 58. This happened roughly a month from when Clinton advisor and certifiable loon Terry McAuliffe prematurely declared Tim's dad to be dead. I don't know what that means, but all I'm saying is that if Terry starts talking about your dad, I'd do whatever I could to get him to stop.

I've had some complex thoughts over the days since I heard the news. First and foremost, I've TiVoed Meet the Press since I first got a TiVo. But on the other hand, I actually watch it a lot less frequently than I did back when I used to post here four or five times a day. A friend of mine said he felt guilty because his first thought was, Maybe we'll get someone good to host MTP. Maybe. But "good" wasn't really at issue. He had the right idea about it, right? Russert used to talk about when he first took over hosting the show, he got in touch with the very first moderator of MTP. He asked him what he should do and the old dude replied (to paraphrase): Learn everything you can about your guest and take the opposing viewpoint.

Tim did that. Sort of. He definitely gathered quotes and items and gotcha pieces. The problem was how much harder he was on Democrats than Republicans. He'd let a Republican get away with lying or changing the issue. A Democrat would go on there and Tim would keep harping on the same point over and over. I mean, watch the episode with President Bush if you really want to see the softballs fly.

But is that evidence of bias? I'd say no. I think the bigger problem with Russert was the way he epitomized the concept of "Washington Insider." Tim was the kind of journalist who really got off on mingling at those Washington parties, going to the correspondent's dinner, having high-level sources and the like. When you view his performances through that prism, you can see why he would take it easier on the bigger fish - they're his buds. They're the guys he's going to grab a whiskey with after the show. And as we all know, it was this culture in Washington that enabled the Bush administration to start a vicious and endless war in Iraq. Tim has that to answer for.

And finally, I can never forgive that Russert was reporting on the Valerie Plame affair even after it became known that he was one of the main players in the case. He never mentioned his involvement in it until well after it was over, and he would sit on TV talking about the case as though he was an unaffected outsider. That's not journalism, I'm sorry to say. But it, once again, highlights his uber-insider status. When the White House wants to pass along lies/classified information/hit pieces to be repeated without scrutiny, who they gonna call? Little Russ.

All of that said, he's the closest thing we have... had... to a real journalist on TV. Who else? Wolf Blitzer? Jesus, talk about an empty vessel. Stephanopoulos or Charlie Gibson? Did you see that debate? Brian Williams? He's too busy worrying about charming you and being funny on The Daily Show to be a good journalist. Olbermann? I love the guy, but he's got an axe to grind, let's face it. Katie Couric? Isn't there a kitten being rescued from a tree somewhere that needs covering? There's no one on TV right now who would be as good at MTP as Tim Russert was, however flawed he might have been. So at the end of all this pondering, I find myself missing him. It's a real shame.

I'll leave you with this, some words of advice he talked about once on a talk show that I've never forgotten. He was talking about his dad, Big Russ. He said his dad used to say: You gotta eat! He used to hear that all the time when he was a kid. Tim said it wasn't until he was an adult that he heard and understood the full expression. Being an Irishman's Irishman, the expression actually was: "You gotta eat... if you're gonna drink."

Now that's some wisdom you can use. Farewell, Tim! I'll be tipping back a Jameson tonight in your honor.

Nappy Headed Ho

In case you were of the delusional belief that the mainstream right wing institutions were going to cover the presidential campaign with dignity and without stoking the racism of their supporters, guess again:

You Go To Hell! You Go To Hell And You Die!

Remember Pastor John Hagee, the dude who is like super-happy God sent Hitler to totally help out the Jews? And then McCain finally said enough is enough with this douchebag?

It turns out that ex-veep candidate, ex-Democrat, ex-reasonable human being, and renowned Jew, Joe Lieberman is still BFF with Hagee.

But, as Max Blumenthal reported on Tuesday, Lieberman -- a strong supporter of Israel -- is the scheduled headliner for a July summit organized by Christians United for Israel, which Hagee founded and still chairs. On Wednesday, Lieberman confirmed that he will appear at the summit.
…

Hagee has indeed been a supporter of Israel, but that's largely because he believes the country will be the site of Armageddon, which he thinks is imminent.

Koppelman neglects to mention or assumes he implied that Hagee also believes that during said apocalypse, the Jews will either accept Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior or be cast into the fires of hell. Or as Rabbi Michael Lerner put it on Bill Moyer’s Journal:

And everyone -- all the rest of us so they're welcoming us now -- with open arms and saying, "Oh, we love the Jewish people" But they love the Jewish people literally to death because they want see those of us who stay Jews burn in hell but not -- not right away. They don't imagine it will happen right away. So there's a staged process. And this is the first stage in the process that will eventually lead either to us converting totally to Christianity or burning in hell. So it's not a really great future for the Jews that those theological people have in mind.

I just thought our pal Joey would be interested to know what Hagee really thinks of him. And it’s kind of worse than Nixon and Billy Graham really.

Redneck Wedding

I’m told this weekend is the eagerly anticipated arranged marriage between the Rove employee and the president’s daughter so that the two evil dynasties can merge into a singular unholy union. Talk about doing it old-school… Speaking of which, do you think they’ll display the blood-stained wedding sheets as it requires in the Bible? If so, you better go get your fancy stoning rocks, cuz Lord knows this doofus ain’t the first horse-rustler to trespass in that barn.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is to highlight this photo of “souvenirs” available for sale:



Specifically, the Texas shaped mock invitation. Thing is, I wouldn’t be even a little surprised if the real invitations were Texas shaped as well. One of these days I would like an answer as to why Texans are obsessed with the shape of their state. Have you ever been to Texas? Things that wouldn’t normally be associated with geography often come in the shape of the state. Clocks, bathroom signs, windows, condom wrappers, magazines, ice cream cones, chairs, dart boards. You name it. I just don’t get it. You don’t see Mainers running around with Maine shaped belt buckles, or Ohioans with Ohio shaped shoes. They don’t grow specially engineered Florida shaped oranges (although those would be quite popular). Texans have an inordinate amount of pride, not only in their state, but in the specific shape of their state. Perhaps it’s because after years of living in ignorance and avoiding critical thought, the living world frightens and confuses them. When they see a shape from their childhood, it comforts them. Like tasting Mom's chicken soup or furiously masturbating under the blanket you hope Jesus can't see through.

Please Welcome The Next President Of The United States, John McCain!

Well, you fucked me again, Texas. God, I hate you, Texas. Hillary “won” three of four primaries last night. I put “won” in quotes because she inched like maybe 10 delegates closer and still has roughly no chance to win the nomination democratically. But because the American people have the attention span of a three-year-old child, and the press that of the three-year-old’s pet bug, it now seems like Hillary is charging back into contention. Why would she drop out now that she took Ohio and Texas?

And it’s worse than that because in this stupid “electoral” process we’ve got here, perception can trump reality and with Hillary’s obvious win-at-all-costs attitude, I can imagine a scenario wherein she uses the perception that she’s on the rise to convince the superdelegates to vote in her favor, thus countermanding the will of the people. And as a firmly entrenched party insider, she could conceivably get Michigan and Florida’s votes to count, which she “won” by virtue of being the only Democrat too stubborn to take her name off the ballot. Even assuming she doesn’t decide to disenfranchise the Democratic Party primary voters, the scorched earth campaign she’s running against Obama is giving the Republicans tons of ammunition to use against him, (“If Hillary Clinton doesn’t trust him to lead… How can you?”). Whether she’s willing to admit it or not, the longer she stays in is just that much closer to having President John “100 Years In Iraq” McCain.

Jesus, Hillary. You can lose this race and conceivably become the Senate Majority Leader. Would you really rather have a Republican in the White House when you’re trying to get a bill passed? Is being president more important to you than fixing the major fuck-job The Talking Chimp (thanks again, Texas) did to our country the last eight years? God help us…

Shh! Don’t Mention The 4,000 Dead Soldiers In Iraq

Today, King Kaufman hits the nail on the head. If you’ll allow me to crudely paraphrase his point - “What the fuck is Congress doing spending all day with Roger Clemens?” Although I am loathe to speak for one of my favorite writers:

Whether McNamee's specific statements about Clemens are true or not is, as one committee member pointed out, important to Clemens and McNamee, but not so important in the scheme of things. If Clemens were somehow proved pure as the new-mown infield grass, it wouldn't mean that baseball's drug problem were any less serious. If a video of him shooting HGH in his butt were to surface, it wouldn't mean baseball's drug problem were any worse.

If Clemens is guilty of a crime, let him stand trial in court, where there are standards of evidence and he has the right to face and cross-examine his accusers. If the House Oversight Committee is going to try to make policy to tackle the drug problem in sports, let it get down to business instead of grandstanding by acting as a kangaroo court.

We all know why they’re really doing this. A) It’s uncontroversial. No one’s going to lose an election being anti-steroids. And B) This gets the committee off of C-SPAN and live on ESPN. If you value your health and well-being then you know to never, ever get between a congressman and a camera. But still, this is our tax money, yours and mine, and we’re spending it trying to figure out whether a single person, who happens to have been a world-class asshole his entire career, is lying about taking some drugs once. Holy fucking shit.

I guess there is one good thing to have come of it. Roger Clemens is the planet’s biggest douchebag, but also probably its best ever pitcher. If this keeps him out of the (increasingly irrelevant) Hall of Fame, maybe it’ll all be worth it.

Truth Fart

As a loyal -- some might say religious -- reader, I’m sure you are aware of my disdain for the cable news programs. However, on certain days, I like to get a quick update on things. And with Obamamentum(© 2008) kicking into high gear, I couldn’t wait, you know? Naturally, I tuned to MSNBC where my man Keith is employed. The problem with Keith is that on these special nights his partner is Chris Matthews, the most bloviating, egotistical, Clinton hating, common wisdom barfing, incorrectly predicting, self-aggrandizing no-nothing blowhard this side of Fox News. But during the few minutes I had it on, this gem plopped directly out of Matthews’ mouth and into my living room:

”I forgot I was supposed to talk, not think.”
- Chris Matthews (February 12, 2008)

It’s probably written in his contract. If anyone out there can find the transcript or better, the YouTube, I would be much obliged…

Super Happy Fun Double Whopper Tuesday

Some idle thoughts on yesterday’s activities:

• I titled my post from yesterday Super Duper Tuesday. You might not know this unless you’ve read DoG at least one other time, but I despise cable news and avoid it at all costs. However, I did watch the returns last night. It was there that I was horrified to discover that they have actually been calling it Super Duper Tuesday for some time now. You see, I thought I was making a silly joke, and in so doing made myself look like Chris Matthews. I honestly couldn’t be more embarrassed if I were caught by my friends at the Hannah Montana movie. (Which couldn’t have happened because I wore a fake mustache!)
  
  
• Personal voting experience: I typically go to the polls on my way home from work. However, yesterday my significant other insisted that I wait for her to get home, otherwise she probably wouldn’t go. (In her defense, those old ladies can be rather intimidating. I mean, what’s with the gat, Mildred?) Being the fan of democracy you know me to be, of course I waited. When we get out of our respective booths, I ask - so, who’d you vote for? Hillary! she says. (Privacy of the voting booth be damned!) It was then that I realized I had just disenfranchised myself through my own gentlemanly nature. My vote for Obama didn’t count. Ah well…
  
  
• This had occurred to me a few weeks ago, but I didn’t want to say anything lest we end up with President Huckabee. (Don’t even get me started about how saying your sports team is doing well is all it takes to cause a crushing defeat.) Now that it looks like McCain will be the Republican candidate, we can note that no matter what (barring a spectacular fall) a sitting senator will be elected president. That hasn’t happened since JFK.
  
  
• Read this blog post by The New Yorker’s George Packer. It’s short but insightful, and this excerpt summarizes my big worry:

  I woke up a few mornings ago with the realization that the fall election will not be the Democrats’ to lose. Presidential races in my adult life never have been, and this year—in spite of a failed Republican Presidency, conservative disarray, and the massive Democratic turnout in the primaries—will be no exception. McCain has broad appeal; Clinton antagonizes almost all Republicans and many independents and Democrats; Obama’s real support beyond Democrats is unknown. There are plenty of reasons to wonder whether enough Americans will vote for a candidate who is black, and this Times article from Columbia, Tennessee, is a reminder of the steep obstacles. As strange as it sounds, despite a failed war, a brittle economy, and widespread Bush revulsion, I actually think that McCain would be the favorite against any Democrat. But last night made it clear that the Democratic Party is a better picture of the future. Republicans are trying to stay in power on a shrinking platform while mouthing stale slogans. President McCain would be more Jimmy Carter than Ronald Reagan—a last gasp, not a leap forward.

  I especially like that last part. McCain may win, but it’s really the end of the road for them. And here’s my other thought about McCain. I don’t want to say anything too bad, but I’m just saying - we have to pay close, close attention to his running mate. McCain’s old, and he’s been through a whole lot. You know y’alls are thinking it. I’m the only one with the onions to (almost) say it.
  
  
• I’m disappointed in the results. I had high hopes for Obama’s chances in California. It appears that Hillary took it in a walk. And despite the fact that both camps are acknowledging that the delegates are pretty much gonna end up even, (which is crazytown, btw. Whoda thunk?), it seems to me that Hillary’s going to end up getting the nom. Which is the story of the Democrats, as far as I’m concerned. We got pumped up on Dean in ’04 and ended up with milquetoast Kerry. Bradley was the insurgent in ’00, and we got Snore Gore. (Oh, I’m a fan now, don’t get me wrong. But you know what I mean.) And it looks like we’re going to shoot ourselves in the foot again. We have inspirational Obama. A man who is getting the youth out voting like never before - record turnout in fucking primaries! And we’ll end up nominating old news, has-been, Hillary Clinton and her capitulate-to-the- Republicans-because-she-thinks-it-will-get-them-to-lay-off- even-though-everyone-knows-they-never-will strategy. To paraphrase Bill Maher from Larry King the other night, if Hillary wins she’ll of course be light years better than Bush. But she’s never going to be able to make a real change in this country like Obama could. Not that he will, mind you, but he’s the only chance. She’s too close to powerful lobbyists and entrenched interests and the status quo to do the unthinkable. We’re coming upon an historic opportunity to do something right for once, and I see it slipping through our fingertips like so much water from a melting glacier that she won't do much more than Bush to stop.

Merry Super Wacky Crumbelivable Won’t You Take Me To Funkytown Tuesday, everybody! No matter what you want to happen, you've got to admit it’s interesting to watch.

Super Duper Tuesday!

Listen, I’m not going to tell you how to vote today, if you get to vote today, as I do. I’m just going to say that the hard-core Republicans have to hold their noses to vote for McCain or for Mittens. You can see by the turnout numbers in the primaries so far that they’re not so much excited about this year’s election.

It’s conceivable that with either one of those candidates a large number of conservatives will just stay home in November. Except for one thing - the one person on the planet they hate more than their primary choices is Hillary Rodham Clinton. They would trample over their own mothers to do harm to the Clintons. Do you really want to give them something to get excited about on election day?

Besides how great is it going to look on a debate stage with a youthful, fresh, vibrant Barry against a death warmed over John McCain?

Vote Obama. Sleep easy.

1/30/08 - Never Forget!

Rudy 9iu11ani’s campaign has crumbled to earth after being struck by the twin engines of Huck and Mittens. As Rudy leaps off the side of the campaign trail and plummets to his political death, we are left with the lingering stench of a hard fought battle he was ultimately destined to lose.

The brutality of this tragedy will one day be seen as a turning point in history, but for now we can look back and reminisce about a more innocent time in all of our lives - a time when we actually thought that a thrice-married cross-dressing homo-hugging adulterous incompetent fascist who is hated by all who were once close to him might be able win the Republican nomination.

Those were the days...

Update Me, Amadeus!

What’s that? Oh… OH! Hey! Is that you? Wow! It’s so weird, running into you like this. But, hey, you look great! Have you been working out? Well, I don’t know, you look fabulous! Are those new shoes? They’re very nice. Yeah, yeah, I’ve been keeping busy, you know how it goes… Yeah, no the orphans aren’t gonna feed themselves, you know? Nah, I’m no hero. It just keeps me sane, what with all this shit going down lately. What have you been up to? Oh boy, you haven’t been reading at all? You really should. I mean, that’s the thing, I just found that I had nothing to add. How many different ways can you express Bush’s douchebaggery? Ah, well, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just stop calling like that. I didn’t think you’d take it so hard. But you look great, really you do! What’s up, you ask? Well…

• Last night was Bush’s State of the Union. Do you know that this was the only one I’ve missed since he took office? Yeah. No idea what he said. Well, that’s not true. Let’s see - tax cuts are good, we’re winning in Iraq, Islamofascists, look at the hero sitting next to my wife. Did I get the gist? Probs.
  
• Oh, I guess the Washington Post isn’t sure if this is Bush’s final SOTU. Ominous, no?
  
• I’m 100% an Obama man now. And even if I were still on the fence, some of the shit that Bill Clinton has been saying and doing lately has me even more convinced. As it is, as time goes on, have you noticed the luster coming off of Clinton’s presidency? Hillary is basically running on the same platform of triangulation and appeasement of the Republicans. Have we not seen how that just does not work? You give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. Every single time. Yet here she is constantly trying to compromise with them. How do you compromise with a group that sees in such stark black and white? Aside from that, let’s not forget that it was Bill Clinton who started things like globalization, like media consolidation, and he certainly did nothing to reform campaign financing. I’m not saying that Obama will necessarily fix things, but I’m certain that the same-old same-old cannot.
  
• A $600 rebate? Are you fucking kidding me? Will someone please explain in simple terms how this will do anything at all to help the economy? And besides, when we got our bullshit refund checks last time it was because - Oh my god, the size of that surplus scares the hell out of me, we have to give it back to the people, because investing in lottery tickets is way better for the economy than roads or health care. This time it’s - Oh my god, look at the size of that deficit, we have to give people money because people buying cheap hooch on China’s dime is way better than, well, than not buying cheap hooch.
  
• The Hives at the NHL all-star game were awesome. Klippa på!
  
• By the way, have you heard the new Magnetic Fields album? It's worth a listen.
  
• Holy shit, Lost is back this week! Kick ass! Who is on the other end of that phone??
  
• And speaking of which, might the writers’ strike be coming to an end? The WGA is making side deals with individual studios. If that strategy works, do you realize what it will represent? It would mean that for like the first time ever, a labor union will have broken a management partnership. How sweet would that be?
  
• The best thing to ever happen in Park Slope: reclaiming the bars from the fucking children.

Shit, look at the time. Hey, it was great talking to you, but I gots to split. I’d really like to hang out again, though. Get in touch with my people. Honest, let’s work something out! You’re the best…

Still Hockeytown After All These Years

I haven't written in almost a month. I guess there are like voting stuff thingees happening or something. So, I'm jumping in here to talk for a spell…

…about hockey.

The boys at Melt Your Face Off be talkin' smack about your Detroit Red Wings, particularly in reference to the Wings' complete and total domination of the 2008 all-star roster.

Before I go any further, I first came across the MYFO blog after their drop-dead hilarious turn writing the NHL Closer for Deadspin last month. So, much respek MYFO. But… this Red Wings hatin' gots ta stop. And it stops now.

Putting aside jealous rivals, what is there to legitimately hate about the Detroit Red Wings? And even the rival jealousy is bullshit because the Wings have won a grand total of 10 Cups to Montreal's 24 and the Leafs' 13. For that matter, the Wings have only won 3 of the last 52. (3 of the last 10, I grant you, but still…) The Wings play a wide-open offense-based puck control game that keeps the puck moving end to end, which is exciting for fans of both teams. Contrast this with Minnesota or New Jersey and The Trap, the basic strategy of which is to do your best on-ice imitation of the U.S. in a World Cup soccer game by not scoring for 60 minutes followed by five more excruciating minutes of not scoring in overtime.

The Wings never field a team of thugs like Philadelphia and their stick-swingin' ways; like Anaheim with headhuntin' Pronger and Scotty Niedermayer (to say nothing of having a roster half of whom "unretire" part way through the season - we're at war, pick a side!!); like Colorado with the unholy trinity of Patrick Roy, Claude Lemieux and Peter Forsberg. [We're choosing to overlook Detroit's misguided and wildly unsuccessful foray into thuggery with the trade deadline pickup of Todd "I'll Break Your Neck" Bertuzzi. He's precisely the exception that proves the rule in that he didn't fit in even a little bit.]

The Red Wings' all-stars this year are Nick Lidstrom, Pavel Datsyuk, and Henrik Zetterberg. These men were actually voted in by the fans. This is notable for 2 reasons: the Wings have a well-rounded team rolling four lines, not allowing for the stat-padding of a Crosby or Ovechkin who play on teams where they're the only good player to speak of (or at least on the only good line). Secondly, Detroit is in a wild economic tailspin and people aren't going to the games. This means that the home vote is probably way down. Smart people who know their hockey, without just scanning the league leaders or picking the home team straight away, voted for Hank, Dats, and Nick.

Back to MYFO… They are acting as though the Red Wings have inherited a legacy of undeserved winning, or their deep pockets are buying championships ala George Steinbrenner. I'll first refer to not having won all that many championships, but also point out that these particular all-stars were drafted in the 3rd Round (Lidstrom), the 6th Round (Datsyuk), and 7th Round (Zetterberg). They were there for the taking; the Wings were the only team smart enough to take them. Back when the Wings grabbed Brett Hull, Brendan Shanahan, Luc Robitaille, even back to Paul Coffey, sure, maybe it was the pocketbook. But the salary cap era has begun. And yet, the Wings still lead the league year after year. That's not entitlement. That's solid management, solid coaching, and solid scouting.

The drafting isn't just about stars either. It's about the right kind of stars. And that all leads back to The Captain, Steve Yzerman. I don't even think the playa-hatas at MYFO could find a bad word to say about Stevie. We all know his heart, his understated command, his determination to win. The longest serving captain in the history of all North American sports, the Red Wings have been Stevie's team for over two decades, and they remain his team even now that he's retired (with all due respect to Nicklas who carries on in true Yzerman fashion). He taught these Red Wings the values that they now embody. He demonstrated that winning and losing is about what's inside, not about running your mouth. This is a man who led the Wings to their 2002 Stanley Cup on one leg, in the twilight of his career and still managed to be the best player on the ice despite being surrounded by a roster full of all-stars. This is the man who had record-setting seasons stats-wise, and when his coach asked him to take on a more defensive role, he did so – and excelled. His quiet leadership brought the team to where they are today, and you don't hear about our superstars "makin' it rain" or wrapping cars around telephone poles. The Red Wings' proud tradition isn't just about the pride of winning. It's about being a team you can actually be proud of.

So I beg of you - without being intellectually dishonest, what bad can you possibly say about the Detroit Red Wings?

This Is Your Team On Drugs

The best argument yet for kids to stay away from performance "enhancing" drugs: the just-released list of names from the Mitchell Report.

Yeah, Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte are on there (which could explain Clemens' penchant for fits of rage). But for every Clemens there are 10 Nook Logans and Cody McKays.

And on a side note, someone should have told Mo Vaughn that you're supposed to lift weights after you take steroids, not eat a bakery.

Wal-Mardello

A Feministing reader came across the item pictured below at her local Wal-Mart.


In case the scale is out of whack, it is a pair of panties from the junior department that says, “Who needs credit cards…” I suppose we can presume the … to be short for, “when you have a pussy.”

So at first I thought to myself, this is Wal-Mart, the savior of moral values; the place where you can’t buy Eminem and Maxim and your choice of birth control; the place where Jesus is safe to roam free and His birthday is a holiday to be declared merry - and they are encouraging pre-teens to fuck for money?

But then I thought again… This isn’t hypocritical or paradoxical at all. In fact, it makes perfect logical sense. In the Wal-Mart ethos, women are empty vessels to be used for reproduction, cooking, and house cleaning. Barefoot and pregnant, if you will. So, this tween panty isn’t about whoring it up for diamonds and rides in Ferraris. It’s preparing these young girls to understand early that the only way they are going to survive in this world is to get married, get knocked up, and get to scrubbing those tiles.

Well played, Wal-Mart. Well played…

Minor Penalty - Two Minutes For Freakin’ Me Out, Man

If you liked Hostel, then you’ll love Canada’s new PSAs about preventing workplace accidents. I’m told (by Will at Deadspin) that they’re actually being run on the Ceeb during Hockey Night in Canada. Jesus. And there’s too much violence in hockey?



But wait, there’s more. Then you have to go to the PSAs’ website. Click on Enter Now, and you’ll be greeted by a cartoon severed hand squirting blood like the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail impatiently drumming its fingers waiting for the flash movie to load. The movie begins with said bloody severed hand parachuting down to its presumed previous owner whose stump isn’t having the best time getting over the injury. From there we get to watch several different examples of a day in the life of a guy with a bloody stump, which is to say he gets blood all over everything! If I learned one thing, it’s do not help your girlfriend get food off her face with a bloody stump.

It’s the most hilarious thing you’ve seen in a while.

Yessuh, Missuh Presdint, suh…

Julie Myers, assistant secretary overseeing Homeland Security's Immigration and Customs Enforcement division -- herself a recess appointed, grossly unqualified nepotism case -- was part of a three-person panel selected to judge Halloween costumes at the Homeland Security Department office Halloween party. As an aside - a three-judge panel for a Halloween party? Can DHS do anything without bureaucratic red tape??

Anyway, the winning costume, you’ll be horrified if unsurprised to discover, was a man dressed up in prison stripes, dreadlocks, and you guessed it - blackface. I mean, DHS says it was just “dark makeup” but that sounds like some bureaucrat hair-splitting to me.

Third place was dressed up as Chief Wahoo, the lovable scamp from the Cleveland Indians uniforms. First runner-up, who will take over for the now disgraced Prisoner Sambo was dressed as Slowpoke Rodriguez, the laziest, slowest, most unemployedest mouse in all of Mexico. Sounds like a great party!

More Selfish Bastards Sticking It!

In case you don’t watch TV (yeah, you’re so cool), or just don’t pay attention, the Writers Guild of America, aka - the writers union has gone on strike. What does that mean? It means The Daily Show and Colbert are not on tonight. Damn.

But the interesting thing to me about this is it seems to be the very last union left in the United States that gets the support of the people. Why is that? Let’s compare it to the New York City transit strike of 2005. MTA (The Man) - rich, corrupt and incompetent. MTA workers (The Little Guy) - underpaid, overworked, and constantly looking over their shoulder, worrying about getting laid off. Hollywood producers - rich, corrupt, and probably incompetent, although I can’t say for sure. Hollywood writers - probably paid very well, (but definitely not as well as they deserve, at least not if they work for Lost, 30 Rock, Pushing Daisies, or other such brilliant programs. More than they deserve if they work for Two and a Half Men or anything with Dane Cook), constantly looking over their shoulder with the rise of reality programming, probably overworked and underappreciated.

So what is it about the writers that makes people side with them? During the transit strike, the entire blame fell on the union, as though asking for a living wage was fine as long as it doesn’t inconvenience anyone. “I’d rather bring back indentured servitude than be late for work.” In the case of the automakers or Wal-Mart, it’s all the union’s fault that cars are so expensive with the former, and the lack of a union is why I get a DVD player for $14 at the latter. So why is the writers’ union held in such high regard? Why are people lauding Tina Fey or Jon Stewart for making impassioned pleas on the writers’ behalf, but ridiculing me for favoring unions the rest of the time?

Don’t misunderstand - I agree with them 100%. The writers deserve all that they can get, and god knows many of them are quite talented - talent I wish I possessed. But what is it about literally every other union in the country that inspires such disdain and mistrust? Why is it if the teachers strike so they don’t have to buy their own fucking loose-leaf paper and text books for children that it’s the teachers’ fault, and not the fault of tax-slashing administrations or tax dodging multi-national corporations for underfunding city services? The auto unions are so powerless thanks to dwindling membership and a lack of public support that they stage a phony one day strike to make some sort of arcane point, and then happily lap up whatever table scraps the automakers offer them. Why is it that when the MTA is raising fares, decreasing service and letting the subway fall into complete disrepair, making a handy salary for the fat cats, all the while laying off hundreds of union employees, that it’s the transit workers’ union who bear the brunt of commuter rage when the workers decide enough is enough?

Why is the writer’s union of Hollywood, of all places, the one union held in any esteem whatsoever? God bless ‘em and good luck! Honest. Hell, I can use a break from TV, so I’m with the workers, as always. But what is it about America that except in this one situation, always makes people side with The Man over The Little Guy?

All You Need to Know

Not for nothing, but if you ever set out for a short boat ride, a two or three hour tour say, do yourself a favor and keep an extra can of gasoline on board. That’s all I’m sayin’…

So what’s new?

FEMA has learned the lesson of Katrina. That lesson? If you hold phony scripted press conferences, you won’t get any liberal media types like Anderson Cooper asking nosy questions.

Looks like Jin is about to get killed off.

Alberto Gonzales may be in bigger trouble than we thought.

Chris Dodd’s got a pair.

Without question, Garry Kasparov is my favorite politician alive in the world today. Seriously, he’s essentially risking his life and those of his family just to fight to be allowed to lose to Putin’s handpicked successor.

This year’s World Series is thus far proving the old adage, Jesus can get you to the dance, but the devil wins you championships.

Radiohead totally rules.

Bring Out The Gimp

The Right Wing is a big tent, don't you know. Any and all are welcome. From your run of the mill "straight" guys who suck dick in airport bathrooms, to guys who rape their daughters, your attracted to 5-year-old girls types, and on down the line to the dirty, dirty BDSM bitches. And I don't just mean those who would "surprise" his wife with a trip to the slave club, bark out some orders and make her cry. The Republican party and extreme fundamentalist religious right even has room for the submissives too! Take, for example, Liberty University graduate and employee, and Jerry Falwell disciple "Reverend" Gary Aldridge and the tale of The Spanking to Die For... (Click on image below for close up.)


There's a lesson here, kids. A) Don't trust anyone who tells you not to masturbate; he's probably got a contraption in his house that would scare Satan himself. And B) If you go to your preacher/minister/teacher/senator's house - bring a parent or guardian. And pepper spray.

On the other hand, it is refreshing to see Rev. Aldridge use his moment of death to illuminate a lesson he's been teaching his whole life - Jesus cries when you have protected sex with a boy or girl your own age. As the Good Book says, condoms are only for use on the dildos you shove up your ass. Is that from Leviticus? Deuteronomy?