Which Do You Prefer?

See if you can tell the difference between these two presidential speeches:

John F. Kennedy on April 27, 1961:

I not only could not stifle controversy among your readers--I welcome it. This Administration intends to be candid about its errors; for, as a wise man once said: "An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it." We intend to accept full responsibility for our errors; and we expect you to point them out when we miss them.

George W. Bush on November 11, 2005:

While it's perfectly legitimate to criticize my decision or the conduct of the war, it is deeply irresponsible to rewrite the history of how that war began. (Applause.) Some Democrats and anti-war critics are now claiming we manipulated the intelligence and misled the American people about why we went to war. These critics are fully aware that a bipartisan Senate investigation found no evidence of political pressure to change the intelligence community's judgments related to Iraq's weapons programs.

This president is fully aware that the Senate refused to investigate the claims of political pressure to change the intelligence. This president is fully aware that Harry had to shut down the freakin’ Senate just to get the Republicans’ attention on this gravest of national security concerns. This president is fully aware that his God tells him not to lie.

Rick Santorum is a Stupid Asshole

Sweet jebus on a pogo stick. I don't even know what to say about this:

Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., says that the No. 1 health care crisis in his state is medical lawsuit abuse and in the past he's called for a $250,000 cap on non-economic damage awards or awards for pain and suffering. "We need to do something now to fix the medical liability problem in this country," he declared at a rally in Washington D.C., this past spring.

But Santorum's wife sued a doctor for $500,000 in 1999. She claimed that a botched spinal manipulation by her chiropractor led to back surgery, pain and suffering, and sued for twice the amount of a cap Santorum has supported.

How do these people keep getting elected? Do the voters in Pennsylvania just not get it? Basically he's saying to them "Even though I'm a rich asshole, my latte-sipping, stay-at-home-and-home-school-the-brats wife has the right to sue for half a million fucking dollars because her yuppie chiropractor moved one of her vertebrae a little to far, probably because she wouldn't stop screeching at him for making her wait for five minutes instead of rushing her straight in ahead of everyone else. Meanwhile, the rest of you regular folks whose surgery may have gotten botched by some quack, making you unable work and earn money for your family, well, fuck you, you can only sue for half that. We've gotta protect the doctors, after all. Except from me. Just from everyone else."

Of course, this is the same guy who had a school district pick up the tab for his kids' schooling, even though he doesn't actually live in the school district. All this begs the question: Is there a bigger "welfare queen" than Rick Santorum?

The Morons at Fox

And for once, I’m not talking about the “news” channel. They’ve cancelled Arrested Development. How long will the Pamela Anderson show run, I wonder?

Between this and Firefly, they’ve cancelled the two best shows on network television not called Lost in the last five years. I hate you, Fox!!

Watch Your Back

Pat Robertson provides us with more evidence, as if we needed it, that God loves you… until He kills you.

As reported in these pages (a.k.a. cut and paste from the Times), science was declared the victor in its battle against ignorance in Dover, PA this past Tuesday. And even though God designed our brains Himself to function so highly as to allow us to use logic and the scientific method to uncover the answers to millions of life’s mysteries, it would appear that it pisses Him off when we do so.

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson warned residents of a rural Pennsylvania town Thursday that disaster may strike there because they "voted God out of your city" by ousting school board members who favored teaching intelligent design.
...

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city," Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network's "700 Club."
...

Later Thursday, Robertson issued a statement saying he was simply trying to point out that "our spiritual actions have consequences."

"God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in his eye forever," Robertson said. "If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them."

Jesus! God can be such a drama queen.

A Cold Shower of Truth

Who better to tell you how to live your life than the most morally upright citizens in all the land, the United States Senate? Good news! They’re furiously studying masturbation with reckless abandon.

According to the Senate, the pornography industry has grown in mammoth proportions. Wherever you look nowadays, you will find it thrusting its head deep inside the warm folds of your family’s life. Despite the obvious dangers, everyday Americans continue to stroke the porn industry such that it has risen to stand tall and firm across this great land, a rock solid pulsating pillar of evil in a once happy community. As the evil grows, the two spheres of morality and wholesome family life are left dangling below, not receiving the attention they deserve. If pornography continues to be abused in such a manner, it will soon explode, spreading its evil seed far and wide across the underbelly of the heartland.

This must be stopped. I, for one, am glad that the Senate is here for us, to provide protection. A rubber sheath of sorts with which to wrap up this filthy beast, keeping our hearts and minds clean and pure. Apparently, when it comes to pornography, I can’t even trust myself!

She went on to explain that the experience of masturbation activates about 14 neurotransmitters and hormones, causing a quick chain reaction of brain activity. "There have been some experts who have even argued that, in and of itself, overrides informed consent when encountering this material," she said, apparently suggesting that an adult's own sexual self-stimulation can lead to a loss of judgment.

Oh my word. I've been taking advantage of me! It’s clear. I cannot be trusted. You cannot be trusted. The only people who can be trusted are the God-fearing, righteous men and women in the U.S. Senate. Bravo, Senators! Thank you for saving me from myself.

I feel so cheap and used...

Self-Aggrandizing Anniversary Message

It just occurred to me! Delusions of Grandeur had its first birthday last week on November 4th. Hooray! We’ve been busy irritating conservatives and entertaining literally several people for over a year now. We look forward to entertaining you in the years to come. Perhaps you’ll even tell one of your friends! In the meantime, here is a short list of incredibly useful DoG statistics:

• Number of Posts: 575
  
• Number of Insightful Posts: 7
  
• Stories Broken: 0
  
• Inside Sources Contacted: 26
  
• So-Called “Real” Sources: 0
  
• Times quoted by Wonkette: 1
  
• Number of Comments: 71
  
• Number of Insightful Comments: 70 (we love the fans)
  
• Highest Traffic in One Day: 213 unique users
  
• Average Time Spent on Site: 7 seconds
  
• Most Often Used Word: Orwell
  
• Second Most Often Used Word: Fire
  
• Third Most Often Used Word: Pants
  
• Most Common Obscene Word: Fuck
  
• Second Most Common Obscene Word: Coulter
  
• Number of Posts about Truth: 422
  
• Number of Posts about the Media: 394
  
• Number of Posts about Laguna Beach: 0
  
• Number of Rigged Elections since DoG inception: 0 (two fewer than in the four years previous)

So we’re gonna keep at it for as long as we can stomach doing so.

And above all, thanks for reading!

Ministry of Truth

A common Beltway definition of “gaffe” is when someone accidentally tells the truth. What happens when a White House gaffe is caught on tape? They try to wash it down the memory hole.

At the Oct. 31 briefing, David Gregory of NBC News stated the following question to McClellan about White House aides Karl Rove and I. Lewis Libby: "Whether there's a question of legality, we know for a fact that there was involvement. We know that Karl Rove, based on what he and his lawyer have said, did have a conversation about somebody who Patrick Fitzgerald said was a covert officer of the Central Intelligence Agency. We know that Scooter Libby also had conversations."

The official White House transcript states that McClellan's response was "I don’t think that's accurate."

But two outside news agencies, Congressional Quarterly and Federal News Service - which provide transcripts for a fee -both reported the response as "that's accurate."

The differing accounts have sparked a flurry of buzz on numerous blogs, such as thinkprogress.org, Wonkette, Eschaton and DailyKos. They say a video of the press briefing reveals McClellan saying "that's accurate."

White House officials contacted the news outlets and ask for a change to their versions of the transcript.

The news agencies aren’t having it, thankfully. It’s a different press corps than the one from 2003. They’ve moved back with us into the reality-based world, except for those who want to forever remain in Bush’s fantasy world – they just up and quit.

Will They Ever Learn?

The Secretary of State Condi Rice is actually meeting with convicted embezzler, intelligence-maker-upper, Iranian spy, and oh yeah, Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Ahmad Chalabi today in Washington. What is the matter with them?

They’re addicts. They really want to try to kick the pipe. They come over your house and promise that if you just let them stay the night, they won’t have any more secret prisons, they won’t leak any more national security secrets, and they really, really promise to stop lying and go back to school.

But when you wake up in the morning, the couch is on fire and your TV is gone.

On the Other Hand

From the Times:

All eight members up for re-election to the Pennsylvania school board that had been sued for introducing the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to evolution in biology class were swept out of office yesterday by a slate of challengers who campaigned against the intelligent design policy.

Just when you think your faith in humanity is broken once and for all, the people do something inspirational. Big ups, Dover!

You’re Idiots. There, I Said It.

What’s the matter with Kansas, the book title asks. This is what’s wrong with you.

The fiercely split Kansas Board of Education voted 6 to 4 on Tuesday to adopt new science standards that are the most far-reaching in the nation in challenging Darwin's theory of evolution in the classroom.

The standards move beyond the broad mandate for critical analysis of evolution that four other states have established in recent years, by recommending that schools teach specific points that doubters of evolution use to undermine its primacy in science education.

Intelligent Design is not science. This has been said so many times and so many ways so there’s no need to go into detail about it. But these idiots – these Jesusfreak morons – are so frightened by the idea that the Bible might not be literally true that they need to ruin any chance of success for their children. They need to change the school curriculum to see to it that no one sullies their children with the curse of critical thought.

Among the most controversial changes was a redefinition of science itself, so that it would not be explicitly limited to natural explanations.

The vote was a watershed victory for the emerging movement of intelligent design, which posits that nature alone cannot explain life's complexity. John G. West of the Discovery Institute, a conservative research organization that promotes intelligent design, said Kansas now had "the best science standards in the nation."

Someone needs to point out to Mr. West that supernatural explanations are by definition not science. And then hit him in the head with a brick. Perhaps science alone cannot explain the complexities of life, but saying that magic powder was sprinkled on the earth doesn’t explain anything either.

Kenneth Willard, a board member from Hutchinson, said, "I'm very pleased to be maybe on the front edge of trying to bring some intellectual honesty and integrity to the science classroom rather than asking students to check their questions at the door because it is a challenge to the sanctity of evolution."

The rube leader speaks! He thinks that talking about ghosts and goblins in science class is intellectual honesty. Isn’t that cute. Here’s some intellectual honesty – science is all about asking questions, Mr. Willard. The problem here is that all the questions you’re raising are being asked by real scientists too. They may or may not find all the answers, but the difference between them and you is that they are actually looking for answers among facts and fossils. Your mind is already made up. No amount of evidence will ever convince you that you weren’t placed on this earth by your all-knowing father figure who’s looking after you and making sure you don’t masturbate.

Listen up, people and I’ll try to never say this again, although I’m sure you’ll make me. You can’t prove a negative, so we’ll never be able to prove there is no god. But science is based on evidence. There is no evidence of the existence of god. Therefore, as far as science is concerned, there is no god. Go to your spiritual advisor to talk about Zeus and Jupiter and your bearded, cloud-dwelling Christian God. (Ha! Zeus! How silly those dumb Greeks were, they thought there were multiple gods. How could they not know better? And don’t even get me started about the Native Americans…)

As a bonus for our readers, here’s lesson one of the Michael Grant Theory of Creation: Once upon a time there were two giant brothers who lived in a wintery wonderland in space. The older brother was angry at the younger brother because the younger brother ate all the older brother’s Chips Ahoy cookies. Older Brother lured Younger Brother outside into the cold where he had hidden a large snowball covered in water, known as the Creation Iceball. He hurled Creation Iceball at Younger Brother’s head, and when it hit him he shattered into millions of pieces which then became all of creation that we know today, with his heart forming our sun, and the chunks of his brain each becoming a human being in our current form.

Hey Nebraska, show Kansas how much cooler you are and start teaching my truth.

Friday Night Fights

Here at DoG, we don’t espouse any religion other than using one’s own brain. You can worship the Moon Gods for all we care as long as you don’t start telling us how your lunar overlords think we should live our lives. That said, in light of a recent press release from the Pope, I decided to compare and contrast two popular Christian religions – Evangelical Whackjobs and Catholicism – and definitively tell you which is better.

Spiritual Leader
EW – Failed oil baron and former cokehead George W. Bush
C – Pope Benedict XVI
Winner - Catholicism

Parties
EW – Crackers and Tang
C – Wine and Guinness
Winner – Catholicism

Music
EW – Michael W. Smith, Stryper, Amy Grant
C – Gregorian chant
Winner – Draw (let’s face it, Satan wins this round)

Literature
EW – Left Behind, The Purpose Driven Life
C – Saint Thomas Aquinas, Dogmatic Constitution on the Church of Christ
Winner – Catholicism (Latin is pretty damn cool)

Clothes
EW – Wal-Mart
C – Flowing robes and hats as big as Charles and Di’s wedding cake
Winner – Catholicism

Sex
EW – Only within the confines a loveless marriage and for the purpose of babies, babies, babies.
C – Only with alter boys
Winner – Evangelical Whackjobs (by a nose)

Art
EW – None
C – Almost everything up to the 17th Century
Winner – Duh

Celebrities
EW – James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Cotton Mather, John Ashcroft
C – John F. Kennedy, John Kerry, Mel Gibson, Antonin Scalia, Mother Teresa, Conan O’Brian, Sinead O’Connor, Alec Baldwin, Eddie van Halen, Bela Lugosi, Christina Aguilera
Winner – Catholicism (but Mel Gibson makes it close)

Church Proceedings
EW – You can bring drums and guitars into church, but you’d better not dance to them. Did Jesus really turn grape juice into the Blood of Christ?
C – Is this thing ever going to end? Uck, did he just throw water on me?!
Winner – Evangelical Whackjobs

Schools
EW – Buy Mom a blackboard for Christmas
C – Notre Dame, Boston College, Trinity College (Dublin), Fordham University
Winner – Catholicism

Gays
EW – Sure, if you want to burn in hell for all eternity
C – If I become a priest, maybe I’ll stop having such sinful thoughts
Winner – Draw (grow up, you guys)

Science
EW – Sure, if you want to burn in hell for all eternity
C -

Monsignor Gianfranco Basti, director of the Vatican project STOQ, or Science, Theology and Ontological Quest, reaffirmed John Paul's 1996 statement that evolution was "more than just a hypothesis."

"A hypothesis asks whether something is true or false," he said. "(Evolution) is more than a hypothesis because there is proof."

Winner – Catholicism

And the winner is...

CATHOLICISM

But it’s more of a lesser of two evils. Can’t we just think for ourselves and turn to the church only in matters of private spiritual and existential crises? Hmmn… Maybe the Moon Gods will grant that wish.

The Bush Doctrine

Aside from cronyism, corruption and sleaze, there’s a major running theme throughout Bush’s reign of terror.

He acted alone.

They are the most secretive tight-knit cabal of cronies in the history of this country until something goes wrong, and then it’s all – who’s that guy? I think I might have met that dude at a party once. When Abramoff went down, his BFF Tom DeLay acted as if he had never met him, and definitely erased the speed dial button from his phone. Lynndie England is caught Girls Gone Wild style pointing and grinning at some prisoner’s johnson and she’s the one bad apple. Pay no attention to the administration memos endorsing torture, the guy taking the photograph, the boots on people’s heads in the photos, or all the suicide attempts at Guantanamo. Now it’s Scoots. Scooter Libby participated in a treasonous act undermining our national security and then proceeded to cover it up. Dick Cheney, George Bush and Karl Rove are marching around as though it caught them off guard. They can’t believe that he would do such a thing. Bullshit. Everyone knows it’s bullshit, but there’s this burden of proof that they’re going to hide behind and in the meantime act as if they were completely unaware of his actions. No one acts alone in this administration.

When something happens often enough, it eventually gets called a pattern. How many times are we supposed to swallow the one bad apple theory? Ten times? Twenty? Bringing accountability to the White House indeed.

Wacko

You know how sometimes you read a supposedly negative movie review but reading it you think – that sounds really cool! For example, sometimes philistines see a David Lynch film and say, “It made no sense. It didn’t follow a linear narrative. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on.” And I say perfect. I can’t wait to see it. The same group of words can mean different things to different people.

So are you paying attention to the Scanlon –Abramoff scandal? It’s all tied in with DeLay and money laundering and ripping off Indian casinos, playing both sides against each other, getting rich off it and funneling the money into Republican campaigns. Really dirty stuff, or as it’s known around D.C. - the Official Republican Playbook. There was a Senate hearing about these scumbags yesterday and an interesting memo came to light:

"The wackos get their information through the Christian right, Christian radio, mail, the internet and telephone trees," Scanlon wrote in the memo, which was read into the public record at a hearing of the Senate Indian Affairs Committee. "Simply put, we want to bring out the wackos to vote against something and make sure the rest of the public lets the whole thing slip past them." The brilliance of this strategy was twofold: Not only would most voters not know about an initiative to protect Coushatta gambling revenues, but religious "wackos" could be tricked into supporting gambling at the Coushatta casino even as they thought they were opposing it.

Scanlon describes his dirty strategy the exact same way that I would. But he’s selling it, mind you. Even Republicans think of the religious right as nutjobs and the general public as morons.

Nutjobs and morons – that’s what the Republicans think of you, Kansas. And Utah. And Alabama. And Wyoming. And...

Tip Your Waiter and Try the Veal

Oh, that kooky Dubya. He’s breaking down comedic barriers Lenny Bruce style:

Q Mr. President, in Argentina, you will have a bilateral meeting with President Kirchner.

THE PRESIDENT: Si.

Q What I want to know -- sources of the government told me that they would ask you about more cooperation on support for Argentina, you know, in the IMF fund --

THE PRESIDENT: IMF.

Q Exactly.

THE PRESIDENT: Please don't tell me that the government leaks secrets about conversations to the --

Q Well, I have my sources in the government.

THE PRESIDENT: You do? Okay, well I'm not going to ask you who they are, of course. (Laughter.)

Q No, please.

THE PRESIDENT: Inside joke here, for my team.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Stop it, Mr. President! My sides are literally splitting!! Treason in the White House! HAHAHAHAHA! You so crazy!

Oh, but I have a little tip for you, Georgie. I haven’t spent my life making people laugh at me like you have, but well, here’s the thing. When something is on the front page of every paper in the United States and a guy has a press conference that was shown live on every news channel... Not so much an inside joke. Just a little constructive criticism. I love that you’re keepin’ it real though!

More Conservative Than Scalia?

Or as Slate’s Robert Gordon puts it:

When Antonin Scalia starts looking good, you know you're in trouble.

Oh boy...

None Shall Pass

Boy, the Dems are beboppin’ and scattin’ all over the Republicans today. Where'd they find the balls? Senate Democrats forced a closed session to talk about that whole investigation into Iraq thing that the Republicans decided to put off until after the election. Which made sense, I mean why would the voters want to know how the Iraq intelligence was misused by the White House before they cast their votes?

Anyway, the Senate Dems are doing a nice bit of old fashioned grandstanding and damn, are the Republicans pissed!

Sen. Trent Lott, R-Miss., said Reid was making "some sort of stink about Scooter Libby and the CIA leak." [ed. – talk about making a mountain out of a “treason in the White House” molehill!]
...

In addition, Lott said, Reid's move violated the Senate's tradition of courtesy and consent. But there was nothing in Senate rules enabling Republicans to thwart Reid's effort.

Breaking Senate traditions? Those poor helpless Republicans wouldn’t know anything about that, would they?

Curious or Afraid to Ask?

Think Progress summarizes Alito’s Way.

• Alito would overturn Roe v. Wade
  
• Alito would allow race-based discrimination
  
• Alito would allow disability-based discrimination
  
• Alito would strike down the family and medical leave act
  
• Alito supports unauthorized strip searches
  
• Alito hostile toward immigrants

They left out "Alito will kill you in your sleep" and "Alito feasts on human flesh."

Happy Halloween, everybody!!

DoG Photo Quiz

Crazy Christian Nut-job Mel Gibson, or Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein?
Answer.

NEWS FLASH: Jabba the Hutt Now Running Exxon Mobil

The reason for record oil company profits is now clear. DoG has obtained photographic evidence that Exxon Mobil Chairman and CEO "Lee Raymond" is actually intergallactic crime lord Jabba the Hutt. Sadly, after this photo was snapped, "Raymond" slammed his meaty palm down on a button beside the platform upon which he was reclining, sending the brave DoG photographer through a trap door and into the lair of the mighty rancor. He was immediatley devoured, but the camera and its contents survived.

Scooter’s Pants Are Noticeably Flammable

I know you people lead busy lives. You don’t have time for nonsense. So I’ve gone ahead and read the twenty-two page Libby indictment so you don’t have to. I’m sure you can find a better, more detailed analysis almost anywhere else. But here are the relevant points as I see them:

• For those right-wingers who intend to say that naming a CIA operative is no big deal, Fitzgerald replies:

  Disclosure of the fact that such individuals were employed by the CIA had the potential to damage the national security in ways that ranged from preventing the future use of those individuals in a covert capacity, to compromising intelligence-gathering methods and operations, and endangering the safety of CIA employees and those who dealt with them.

• When the wingnuts say that everyone knew Valerie Plame worked for the CIA:

  Valerie Wilson was employed by the CIA, and her employment status was classified. Prior to July 14, 2003, Valerie Wilson’s affiliation with the CIA was not common knowledge outside the intelligence community.

• Who told Libby?

  On or about June 11 or 12, 2003, the Under Secretary of State orally advised LIBBY in the White House that, in sum and substance, Wilson’s wife worked at the CIA.

• Do you smell some conspiracy in the oven? While trying to figure out how to respond to questions about the Niger uranium Joe Wilson stuff from Washington Post reporter Walter Pincus:

  LIBBY participated in discussions in the Office of the Vice President concerning how to respond to Pincus.

• And where’s Cheney?

  On or about June 12, 2003, LIBBY was advised by the Vice President of the United States that Wilson’s wife worked at the Central Intelligence Agency in the Counterproliferation Division. [ed. – they're trying to counter the proliferation of nuclear weapons] LIBBY understood that the Vice President had learned this information from the CIA.

• The part that demonstrates that Libby knew that he was doing something illegal:

  That official [Libby’s Principal Deputy] asked LIBBY whether information about Wilson’s trip could be shared with the press to rebut the allegations that the Vice President had sent Wilson. LIBBY responded that there would be complications at the CIA in disclosing that information publicly, and that he could not discuss the matter on a non-secure telephone line.

• Then there is a list of the number of times he told Bitch Judy Miller that Mrs. Wilson worked at the CIA – On June 23, 2003, July 8, 2003 and July 12, 2003. Is Judy so dumb that she has to hear it three times? And July 8 is the second time it becomes clear that Libby knew what he was doing and that he ought not be doing it:

  LIBBY asked that the information LIBBY provided on the topic of Wilson be attributed to a “former Hill staffer” rather than to a “senior administration official,” as had been the understanding with respect to other information that LIBBY provided to Miller during this meeting.

• The best part:

  LIBBY spoke to a senior official in the White House (“Official A”) who advised LIBBY of a conversation Official A had earlier that week with columnist Robert Novak [ed. – better known as Douchebag of Liberty] in which Wilson’s wife was discussed as a CIA employee involved in Wilson’s trip.

  Who is Official A? And is he sweating in his skidmarked underpants this weekend?

And then it goes on to describe his lies and treachery in detail. We know all that. He told the FBI that he didn’t know about Valerie Plame even though we all know that Cheney told him. He said this and that to Matt Cooper. And so on. Lies, lies, lies.

He’s in big trouble. Maximum of thirty years. Good luck with all that.

Breakin’ the Law, Breakin’ the Law

Irving Lewis Libby (I refuse to call a grown man “Scooter”) was indicted today on five charges including perjury, obstruction of justice and making false statements.

Let’s say it all together now, right-wingers – Perjury isn’t a real crime. It’s only lying. We lie every day! And as long as we don’t lie about sex, who cares?

In the meantime, the Rove investigation is ongoing. Guess what Asshole is going to do.

As Rove departed his home in Washington Friday morning, he told reporters, "I am going to have a great Friday and a fantastic weekend and hope you do too."

In the meantime, let us not forget this:

Bush suggested at the beginning of the investigation that he would fire anyone on his staff who was involved in the leak.

He appeared to set a higher standard in July, saying, "If someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration."

See? They lie all the time!


UPDATE: Scoots up and quit. I wonder how he's going to continue his efforts to bring ruination upon the earth without that primo job... Do you suppose he'll be able get a cushy gig at Halliburton or one of the other BushCo crony front companies?

Have You No Sense of Decency?

So. It looks like Libby’s going to be indicted, but Rove isn’t. Yet. But don’t let that fool you. I don’t want to hear any platitudes from the Bush administration (although I’m certain we will) about being vindicated or exonerated. He is most definitely guilty. They just can’t quite connect the dots. Yet.

This is his M.O. Do the most underhanded, illegal, and in this case treasonous dirty trick you can think of, but stay removed from it just enough to keep your fingerprints off it directly. It’s OK if everyone suspects you as long as they can’t prove it. He’s done this so many times before. Read Bush’s Brain (or watch it you lazy-ass). In it you’ll hear about all his nefarious schemes, like when he bugged his own office and blamed it on the Democrats. Everyone knew Rove did it. All the evidence pointed to Rove doing it. They just couldn’t prove it. But after Rove showed the bug to the press, his candidate made huge gains in the polls - just enough to win. This is what he does.

But let me ask you – just because O.J. was acquitted, do any of you think that he didn’t kill his wife? I didn’t think so.

Of course, even guiltier than Rove – Vice President Cheney. But I guess we can all go fuck ourselves, eh, Dick?

Yer Still Doin' a Heckuva Job, Brownie

Hey everyone, we're still paying Brownie's salary!

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff on Wednesday defended FEMA's decision to extend former director Michael Brown's post-resignation employment by an additional 30 days.
[gimme an s! gimme an n! gimme an i-p!]
Brown, heavily criticized for the federal government's slow response to Katrina, initially was permitted to stay on the FEMA payroll for 30 days at his $148,000 annual salary. The agency recently agreed to extend his contract for another 30 days.

Since my tax dollars are still paying this clown's salary, I demand that he come over and rake all the leaves out of my yard when he's done fucking up whatever he's doing now. Hopefully he can manage to rake and bag a few piles without killing 1,200 people like last time.

The Free Market Ain’t Free

Exxon Mobil, kind-hearted, puppy-loving protector of the environment/energy company has reported their profits for the quarter.

Exxon Mobil Corp., the world's largest publicly traded oil company, on Thursday reported quarterly profit surged 75 percent, pushed up by record crude oil and natural gas prices.

Profits up 75%? Imagine if you got a 75% raise in your salary four times a year. Think about it.

And then think about what might have happened in the last three months that could have led to such huge profits. I wonder...

So while you and I and all us chumps out here are busy fueling our cars and heating our homes and paying through the nose for the privilege of going to work and not freezing to death, Exxon Mobil is hungrily drinking our blood and laughing at our pain. It is absolutely absurd to rely on the so-called free market to determine the price of a commodity that everyone absolutely must have. It’s pure extortion. Particularly when you consider the natural disasters (caused by oil companies) and the wars (caused by oil companies) and the tyrants who hold all the oil (propped up by oil companies).

Someone must put a stop to this. Capitalism is great, but it isn’t the end-all be-all of civilization. Sometimes the government has to step in like Trust-Busting Teddy Roosevelt and put a leash on our corporate overlords.

Rise up, proletariat! Workers unite!!

Harriet. Sweet Harriet.

Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis...

I just had to get that out of my system before she goes away forever. Poor, sweet, innocent Harriet Miers. She couldn’t take the heat, so she got out of the metaphorical kitchen. More accurately, she was tired of crying herself to sleep every night because of the meanies in the newsrooms and the Senate. Or perhaps even more accurately, Bush finally came to terms with the notion that just because she’s his BFF, doesn’t mean that she’s our BFF. But I’m sure he told her she did a “heckuva job” before he slammed the door in her face.

Indeed she did.

Then it’s back to business. “Turd Blossom! Get in here! What the… Nancy, where in tarnation is Karl, dammit!”

“He’s in a meeting with his lawyers, sir.”

Just Replace It With the Seventh Seal

The White House wants The Onion to stop using the presidential seal on it's fake news stories. My favorite part is the headline and sub-headline:

White House to Onion: Stop using seal

Symbol 'being used inappropriately,' says spokesman

I think The Onion should point out that the White House has been using the presidential seal inappropriately for the last 5 years by applying it to that rodeo clown "leading" our country. When asked about the issue, Bush reportedly asked, "How much fish does the parsidential seal eat in a day?" (da-doom-doom-TSSSSSSHHH!)

(image from www.walden3.org)

My Secret Mission

Some of you may have noticed that I've been conspicuously absent from Delusions of Grandeur lately. Many (ok, none) of you have asked where I was and what I was doing. Well, our records have recently been declassified, so I am finally able to reveal the truth:

I've been on a secret diplomatic mission to Niger, investigating various claims about "yellowcake." Unfortunately, by the time I got there, the only thing left was cinnamon babka.

NEWS FLASH: Giving Law Enforcement Nearly Unlimited Powers Might Lead to Abuse!

Long story short: the FBI might be abusing the PATRIOT ACT.

Records turned over as part of a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit also indicate that the FBI has investigated hundreds of potential violations related to its use of secret surveillance operations, which have been stepped up dramatically since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks but are largely hidden from public view.
[s-to-the-nip]
In other cases, agents obtained e-mails after a warrant expired, seized bank records without proper authority and conducted an improper "unconsented physical search," according to the documents.

CNN had a similar article, which ends hilariously:

The ACLU, which has led the fight against the expanded federal powers, issued a statement saying, "The revelation was only further proof that Patriot Act reforms are needed."

But the FBI official rejected the argument, saying the process of reporting every potential violation of even the most technical mistakes is a 20-year-old practice that long predates the Patriot Act.

Hee hee, nice defense: "Hey, don't blame the PATRIOT ACT! We've been incompetent fuck-wits who can't remember to file the proper paperwork or set up legal wiretaps for 20 years!"

War's a Bitch

Sadly, we have another milestone in Iraq. 2,000 American soldiers killed. I’m not hyping the number in some ghoulish attempt to show Bush how destructive his war has been. It’s just that we as a people tend to ignore things until they reach a number divisible by five or ten. Then we think about it for a day. Let’s remember who has lost the most in all of this, and it’s not Scooter Libby.

Unless of course you are in the military leadership. They’d like us to forget.

The spokesman for the American-led multinational force called on news organizations not to look at the 2,000 death as a milestone in the conflict. Lt. Col. Steve Boylan described 2,000 figure as an "artificial mark on the wall."

Adding, “Hey, if God in His infinite wisdom had given us 12 fingers instead of 10, we’d have until 3,456 soldiers were dead before you got all noticey about it. Did I just blow your mind? Oooo-weeeee-ooooo."

Strange behavior from our military commanders...

Torture Is Bad! Except...

The Washington Post has an interesting story about our Vice President.

The Bush administration has proposed exempting employees of the Central Intelligence Agency from a legislative measure endorsed earlier this month by 90 members of the Senate that would bar cruel and degrading treatment of any prisoners in U.S. custody.

The proposal, which two sources said Vice President Cheney handed last Thursday to Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) in the company of CIA Director Porter J. Goss, states that the measure barring inhumane treatment shall not apply to counterterrorism operations conducted abroad or to operations conducted by "an element of the United States government" other than the Defense Department.

Awesome! So, we don't condone torture! Well, we don't condone torture on our soil, only abroad. And not by the military, certainly. The CIA, though? Ah, let'em do what they want! I'm sure they know what they're doing, right? I mean, it's not like they've ever been wrong about anything, right? Hell, they have the word "Intelligence" right there in their name! And the old CIA head won the Presidential Medal of Freedom, for crissakes! I'm sure they don't just give that out to anybody for cynical, political reasons...

Nice, classy move by draft-dodger Cheney, by the way, trying to weasel his pro-torture exemption by lobbying actual torture victim John McCain.

"This is the first time they've said explicitly that the intelligence community should be allowed to treat prisoners inhumanely," said Tom Malinowski, the Washington advocacy director for Human Rights Watch. "In the past, they've only said that the law does not forbid inhumane treatment." Now, he said, the administration is saying more concretely that it cannot be forbidden.

Quiet down, you tree-hugging, freedom-hating hippie! This administration doesn't like people pointing out the fact that they're pro-torture! They've got a car battery and a couple of alligator clips ready for you and your America-hating nutsack, Frenchie!

Here's my "favorite" part:

Cheney's meeting with McCain last week was his third attempt to persuade the lawmaker, a former prisoner of war in Vietnam, to accept a less broad legislative bar against inhumane treatment.

I don't think the intent could be any clearer if Cheney met with McCain and said, "C'mon, John! Pleeeeeeeease pleasepleasePLEASE let us torture Arabs! I'll be your best friend! Pleeeeeeease? No? WHY!? God! I HATE you! You never let me torture ANYONE!"

Well, anyway, I guess now creepy troll Lynndie England will be able to get a job when she gets out of prison. We already know she can hold a dog leash and point at genitalia like a champ, so she's more than qualified for a job at Cheney’s CIA.

Serious Thoughts About Harriet Miers

You know, I've been thinking a lot of deep, serious (and not always pure) thoughts about Harriet Miers lately. And I've come to one conclusion:

She looks like a Star Trek villain. You know, someone who would take over Kirk and Spock's minds and make them strip to the waist and fight to the death. I dunno, maybe it's just me.

There’s a Time and a Place for Wonkitude

I know, I know, it might be Fitzmas today. And I’m excited too, don’t get me wrong. But right now, there’s something under the radar that you may not have noticed.

Alan Greenspan, Bush apologist and Fed chairman, is retiring soon. (Rumor has it that Andrea Mitchell wears him out in the sack.) Bush nominated this new guy that I bet you’ve never heard of - Ben Bernanke. I was worried at first. I mean, when you think of the Michael Browns and the Harriet Mierses, the new guy was likely to have been the dude who did Bush’s taxes back when he used to drop off his receipts in a shoebox at H&R Block every April 14th.

But alas, my new favorite Slate columnist Bruce Reed uncovered an unlikely endorsement from none other than the New York Times’ wonkiest wonk Paul Krugman from January of this year.

If Mr. Bernanke were appointed directly from his current Fed position to the chairmanship, there would be general acclaim.

I guess they worked together back at Princeton, but no matter. If The Krug is into him, I’m down.

*sigh* And just like that I can no longer say, “Bush has never done a single thing right in five years.” A bit of a letdown, innit...

You Say You Want a Constitution

This weekend I heard a story on NPR about the new Iraqi constitution. Specifically, it was about the preamble. You can read the whole preamble here, but the part that really struck me was:

...and in the midst of an international support from our friends and those who love us, marched for the first time in our history toward the ballot boxes by the millions, men and women, young and old, on the thirtieth of January two thousand and five, invoking the pains of sectarian oppression sufferings inflicted by the autocratic clique and inspired by the tragedies of Iraq's martyrs, Shiite and Sunni, Arabs and Kurds and Turkmen and from all the other components of the people and recollecting the darkness of the ravage of the holy cities and the South in the Sha'abaniyya uprising and burnt by the flames of grief of the mass graves, the marshes, Al-Dujail and others and articulating the sufferings of racial oppression in the massacres of Halabcha, Barzan, Anfal and the Fayli Kurds...

After hearing this, I thought, who would put this stuff about mass graves and such into the preamble to a constitution? It would have to be someone who wanted to remind the Iraqi people, by codifying it into the very center of their legal and governmental system, of how bad things were in Iraq under Saddam, before we came in and fucked everything up even worse. Who, you ask, would want to do such a thing? I'll give you a hint: It's not the Iraqis. Sinan Antoon, the guy interviewed in the link above, gives another hint, when he compares Article 27, which establishes private property as "sacrosanct" to the rules set up by Paul Bremmer and the Provisional Authority, you know, to protect the oil wells and all.

My point is, yes, it's great that Iraq has a half-way decent constitution now. But let's not pretend like we didn't cram a bunch of our own shit into it to make sure that we don't get totally burned by the will of the Iraqi people and to protect our own interests.

What Might Have Been

Last night I saw Al Gore give a brilliant lecture on global climate change. He was funny, lively, and engaging, the exact opposite of the stiff, boring drone that the "liberal media" has portrayed him as for last 15 years or so. Of course, he didn't help that perception by running one of the most uninspired presidential campaigns in history. But I tell ya, if the guy who delivered the lecture last night had run for president in 2000, the world would be a very different place today. Some of the highlights:

• There was a brief technical difficulty with his laptop at the start of the show. A tech ran out to help him, and after a few seconds Gore muttered "You're doing a helluva job, Brownie." Thunderous applause. He then profusely apologized to the tech, saying that he hadn't meant to imply that HE was Brownie.
  
• After giving the academic version of global warming and climate change, he said "Or you might prefer this explanation." Cut to a clip from Futurama (the show his daughter used to write for) featuring animated greenhouse gas thugs beating the crap out of a series of friendly Mr. Sunbeams and piling their corpses in Earth's atmosphere.
  
• Gore showed a dramatic series of pictures of glaciers taken 30 years ago juxtaposed with pictures taken today. Um, yeah. The glaciers are now either small lakes or gone altogether.
  
• Gore showed a nice series of slides about the Bush administration's attempts to portray global warming as a controversial matter, when in fact there is an overwhelming consensus among the scientific community. He especially had fun with Phillip Cooney, an oil company lobbyist who Bush installed at the EPA. Cooney resigned after it came out that he had deleted a bunch of information about global warming from an EPA report. Cooney got a job at (I think) Exxon soon after resigning. He also took a few shots at John "Uncle Pecos" Bolton, who deleted vast swaths of data about global warming from a UN report. Wankers.
  
• Another funny moment came when he showed a picture from a conference that the George H.W. Bush administration held on the environment. It was a drawing meant to suggest that we must find a balance between economics and environmental policy. It showed a scale, with a bunch of gold bars on one side and the entire world on the other. The gold was heavier. Said Gore, "Hmmmm. Some gold bars. And the ENTIRE WORLD. Call me crazy, but I think the loss of the entire world might somewhat diminish your enjoyment of the gold bars."
  
• Finally, and I think most importantly, he talked about how even people who acknowledge the fact of global warming and climate change (i.e. intelligent people) tend to think that the problem is too big and we can't do anything about it. He then drew a comparison between the issue of CFCs and the hole in the ozone layer. At the time, everyone said "CFCs are used all over the world, there's no way we can possibly reduce their use and make a difference." Bullshit. A summit was held on the issue, policy was changed, and CFCs have been virtually eliminated, and the ozone problem has been reversed. All it takes is a commitment to change and a willingness to enact policy, like, oh, I dunno, the Kyoto Protocol, to get us back on the right track.

Maybe someday, a Democrat will run a campaign where he or she fights to win, by loudly and forcefully outlining their policy and telling everyone exactly what's at stake, rather than running a watered-down, mealy-mouthed, just-try-not-to-upset-anyone-and-meanwhile-inspire-no one campaign. When that day comes, that Democrat will win, and win big. Until then, I guess we’re stuck with the guys who scream about terrorism and divert our attention from every other important issue.

It Depends on the Definition of Independent

Joe Conason compares and contrasts Patrick Fitzgerald and Ken Starr.

Starr was appointed by Republican judges, under the dubious influence of Republican Sens. Jesse Helms and Lauch Faircloth. He had no prosecutorial experience and proved to be an inept partisan. His investigation meandered repeatedly into new areas far afield from his original brief, took nearly five years to complete, required many grand jury extensions, and cost approximately $70 million. Starr and his prosecutors leaked promiscuously to favored reporters throughout the probe, thereby ensuring favorable press coverage and inflicting political damage on their White House targets.

Fitzgerald was appointed by the Bush administration's own deputy attorney general, as noted above, at the request of the CIA director. He boasts extensive experience and success as a federal prosecutor. He is not only skilled but absolutely free of any partisan taint, having prosecuted both Republicans and Democrats in Illinois. His investigation of the CIA leak will be wrapped up after less than two years, without any grand jury extensions. His office has been remarkably free of leaks, which may help explain why he gets none of the fawning publicity that was once lavished on Starr.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

And while we’re on the topic, you should go out and rent the movie (or read the book if you’re into that sort of thing), The Hunting of the President. It’ll make you think.

Democracy for America

Do you know who Paul Hackett is? He’s the Iraq War vet who came back and ran for Congress as a Democrat in Ohio’s 2nd District, which always votes Republican by large margins. He barely lost running on a tough talk, anti-war campaign. Democrats took notice. What's that? We're allowed to stand up to these assholes? Maybe so, my spineless friends. Maybe so.

Anyway, Mr. Hackett has a message and a pledge for you to sign at Democracy for America.

Every day, more American soldiers are killed and wounded in Iraq. The violence and attacks on innocent Iraqi citizens continues to go unchecked. Billions of dollars have been spent, yet, we have no coherent exit plan.

As a Marine, I witnessed first-hand the devastation and destruction of this war. The mistruths and deception of the Bush administration have created a quagmire. That's why I signed the pledge to only send responsible leaders to Washington. And I'm asking you to do the same.

I pledge to only support candidates who:

1. Acknowledge that the U.S. was misled into the war in Iraq
   
2. Advocate for a responsible exit plan with a timeline
   
3. Support our troops both at home and abroad

It's time for leaders to step up to the plate and face the Iraq mess head-on because the situation only keeps getting worse. But, before we can fix it, Washington must first acknowledge the crisis we are in. You can help. Take a stand and sign the pledge to hold candidates accountable on the Iraq war.

www.democracyforamerica.com/iraqpledge

I served my country on the front lines in Iraq and saw the consequences of failed leadership up close. We need new leadership in Washington that will face this crisis with courage.

Join me and tens of thousands of Americans by standing up and telling Washington to start planning our exit now. Sign the pledge today:

www.democracyforamerica.com/iraqpledge

Thank you,
Paul Hackett

Go ahead and sign it. You know you want to.

Blessed Are the Rich

Right wing freakshow Neal Boortz says what everybody else is thinking.

OK, now here's the story. And it says, "The Homeland Security Department launched internal probes yesterday into whether its officials tipped off friends and relatives to a possible subway terror plot days before average New Yorkers were alerted." So the real gripe here is that it seems that some wealthy people got notified of the terror plot before the great unwashed, before the others. Now, the Daily News in New York has a headline: "Rich got terror tip." Rich got terror tip. OK, let's get logical about this, folks. Let's play logic with this. This is as it should be.

OK? If we are faced with disaster in this country -- let me ask you this, OK? You just be logical. Get all of the emotion out of this. Get all of the emotion out of this. But if we are faced with a disaster in this country, which group do we want to save? The rich or the poor? Now, if you have time, save as many people as you can. But if you have to set some priorities, where do you go? The rich or the poor? OK? Who is a drag on society? The rich or the poor? Who provide the jobs out there? The rich or the poor? Who fuels -- you know, which group fuels our economy? Drives industry? The rich or the poor?

Now if you -- all of a sudden, somebody walks up to you and says, "Hey, Boortz listener. You're gonna have a -- you have to make a choice. You're going to -- we're gonna move you to another country. And you're just gonna have to make your way in this other country. We have a choice of two countries for you. In this country, people achieve a lot and they are wealthy because of their hard work. In this country, people don't achieve squat. They sit around all the time waiting for somebody else to take care of them. They have children they can't afford. They're uneducated. They can barely read. And the high point of their day is Entertainment Tonight on TV. Which country do you want to live in? The country of the high achievers, or the country of sheep, the country of followers?" You know what you're gonna do. I don't see what the big problem is. I just don't. I mean, if you -- who do I want to save first? The rich.

Personally, I think we should save all the beautiful women between the ages of 18 and 27 first. Uggos and fatties need not apply.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Dear DoG,
How can I tell if my special prosecutor is a partisan hack on a witch hunt or if he is an honest man doing the job he was assigned to do?

Sincerely yours,
Confused in Columbus

ps – you are the funniest blog in the world!

Dear Confused,

There’s a simple test you can perform on your special prosecutor to figure out whether he’s doing the job of the American people or if he is beholden to outside interests, (e.g. – corporations, a political party for which he may have worked his whole life, his BFF in Texas, etc.). Observe the grand jury process. Is it secret (as the law specifies)? Is it free of leaks to biased and poorly written websites? Is there wild speculation about the final outcome because no one honestly has any idea whatsoever?

If the answer to each of these questions is yes, congratulations! You have an honest prosecutor doing an honest job.

If, however, there are massive leaks of titillating sexual details having no relevance to the case actually being investigated, uh oh! There’s your politically motivated witch hunt.

Happy prosecuting!

Harriet What Now?

Oh yeah, that chick. She’s all wanting to be like a judge or something? Anyway, I guess she’s all no abortions for anyone ever or some junk.

So Georgie, let’s not play that game that you can’t recall if she’s ever talked about abortion before. OK? That ship has sailed.

Poor Bill O'Reilly

Verne Gay gives Bill O’Reilly the reach around in today’s Newsday. In it we learn that crusty old O’Reilly isn’t such a tough guy after all. Inside he’s soft and squishy like a Care Bear. And he hurts.

Dear Diary – I just don’t get why those yucky jerkfaces in the liberal establishment media are so mean to me! They live in New York too, don’t they understand when you’re the most handsomest, most powerful man in all of media, it’s not such a big deal to fuck your employees? And all they do is bring it up day after day, almost a year after I gave that harpy her hush money. I had to cancel my new Lexus to pay for that! And if I hear one of those dirty hippies at the Post call me a liar one more time, I swear! I mean, they act all like facts are so important. What’s so important about facts anyway? We didn’t bother with crummy facts when we won all those awards on Inside Edition. Stupidheads. I’ve had enough of this crap. I’ll show them! I’ll just quit. Then they’ll be sorry. You won’t have O’Reilly to kick around anymore, poopyface!

Wow. I just wouldn’t have thought Bill O’Reilly would keep a diary. He seems more like a collection of hidden camera videotapes kind of guy to me.

Bum, Bum, Buuuuuuummmmm...

A senior aide to the Vice President is going to sing like a canary.

Individuals familiar with Fitzgerald’s case tell RAW STORY that John Hannah, a senior national security aide on loan to Vice President Dick Cheney from the offices of then-Under Secretary of State for Arms Control and International Security Affairs, John Bolton, was named as a target of Fitzgerald’s probe. They say he was told in recent weeks that he could face imminent indictment for his role in leaking Plame-Wilson’s name to reporters unless he cooperated with the investigation.

Others close to the probe say that if Hannah is cooperating with the special prosecutor then he was likely going to be charged as a co-conspirator and may have cut a deal.
...

To many following the case, Hannah’s involvement will not come as a surprise. Wilson pointed to Hannah as a possible leaker in his book, The Politics of Truth.

“In fact, senior advisers close to the president may well have been clever enough to have used others to do the actual leaking, in order to keep their fingerprints off the crime,” Wilson writes.

“John Hannah and David Wurmser, mid-level political appointees in the vice-president’s office, have both been suggested as sources of the leak …Mid-level officials, however, do not leak information without the authority from a higher level,” Wilson notes.

I don’t know guys, it’s not looking good. I have a prediction that I will tout repeatedly if I’m right and pretend never happened if I’m wrong: Something mind-bogglingly huge is going to come out of this. This is Watergate. Believe it.

Under Attack?

On September 24, 2005, a deadly biological agent was detected in Washington D.C. Have you heard anything about it?

On Sept. 24, 2005, tens of thousands of protesters marched past the White House and flooded the National Mall near 17th Street and Constitution Avenue. They had arrived from all over the country for a day of speeches and concerts to protest the war in Iraq. It may have been the biggest antiwar rally since Vietnam. A light rain fell early in the day and most of the afternoon was cool and overcast.

Unknown to the crowd, biological-weapons sensors, scattered for miles across Washington by the Department of Homeland Security, were quietly doing their work. The machines are designed to detect killer pathogens. Sometime between 10 a.m. on Sept. 24 and 10 a.m. on Sept. 25, six of those machines sucked in trace amounts of deadly bacteria called Francisella tularensis. The government fears it is one of six biological weapons most likely to be used against the United States.

It was an alarming reading. The biological-weapons detection system in Washington had never set off any alarms before. There are more than 150 sensors spread across 30 of the most populated cities in America. But this was the first time that six sensors in any one place had detected a toxin at the same time. The sensors are also located miles from one another, suggesting that the pathogen was airborne and probably not limited to a local environmental source.
...

"It is alarming that health officials ... were only notified six days after the bacteria was first detected," House Government Reform chairman Tom Davis, R-Va., wrote in an Oct. 3 letter to Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. "Have DHS and CDC analysts been able to determine if the pathogen detected was naturally occurring or the result of a terrorist attack?"

Government officials say the sensors detected a natural event. "There is no known nexus to terror or criminal behavior," Russ Knocke, spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security, told the Washington Post. "We believe this to be environmental." "It is not unreasonable that this is a natural occurrence," says Von Roebuck, spokesman for the CDC. "There are still no cases of tularemia."

However, Salon has spoken to numerous people who were at the Washington Mall on Sept. 24. Four say they got sick days later with symptoms that mirror tularemia.
...

A World Health Organization Committee in 1969 estimated that dispersal of 110 pounds of F. tularensis over a city of 5 million would incapacitate 250,000 people and 19,000 of them would die.

Hey, I’m not trying to freak you out or anything. We’ve got two branches of government and a number of lackeys who can do that. I’m just saying if this was a trial run that failed, maybe next time we won’t be so lucky. And it’s curious that in a culture of irresponsible news agencies who thrive on scare stories, we didn’t read about this a number of times already.

Bush's America

How much would you pay for the adventure of a lifetime?

Don’t answer yet. What if we threw in this lovely M-16 submachine gun? But wait, there’s more! You and your closest friends can endure 120 degree days and 50 degree nights with the constant worry of children wearing bomb vests and guerilla fighters lobbing grenades at your unarmored vehicle. Now how much would you pay?

But don’t answer now, what if we told you that you couldn’t leave until you were dead or seriously wounded, even after your tour of duty was over? And that’s not all. With this special one-time television offer, we can see to it that you lose a limb or possibly even one of your favorite senses! That’s right!

Act now, and for five easy payments of only $1,240 per month, you too can have the fun and adventure of learning to write with your left hand!

Operators are standing by.

The Puppet Master

Bush doesn’t like reality TV. He likes phony photo-ops where he can show off his junk or dress up like a fake cowboy on his fake ranch.

So yesterday, when Bush was gonna get real and rap with the kids who are putting their lives on the line, he made sure that no one spoke unless spoken to. In other words, the White House told everyone exactly what they were going to do and say.

A brief rehearsal ensued.

"OK, so let's just walk through this," Barber said. "Captain Kennedy, you answer the first question and you hand the mike to whom?"

"Captain Smith," Kennedy said.

"Captain. Smith? You take the mike and you hand it to whom?" she asked.

"Captain Kennedy," the soldier replied.

And so it went.

"If the question comes up about partnering — how often do we train with the Iraqi military — who does he go to?" Barber asked.

"That's going to go to Captain Pratt," one of the soldiers said.

And who says the president lives in a bubble?

No matter, it gets worse. Someone has got to keep poor Scotty McClellan in the loop.

QUESTION: How were they selected, and are their comments to the president pre-screened, any questions or anything...

MCCLELLAN: No.

QUESTION: Not at all?

MCCLELLAN: This is a back-and-forth.

Yeah. Totally. So after it comes out and the reporters get all pissy about, you know, the lying, we discover that when the going gets tough, the tough take out their frustration on old ladies.

THOMAS: It has nothing to do with -- Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

McCLELLAN: Well, you have a very different view of the war on terrorism, and I'm sure you're opposed to the broader war on terrorism. The President recognizes this requires a comprehensive strategy, and that this is a broad war, that it is not a law enforcement matter.

Terry.

TERRY MORAN: On what basis do you say Helen is opposed to the broader war on terrorism?

McCLELLAN: Well, she certainly expressed her concerns about Afghanistan and Iraq and going into those two countries. I think I can go back and pull up her comments over the course of the past couple of years.

MORAN: And speak for her, which is odd.

McCLELLAN: No, I said she may be, because certainly if you look at her comments over the course of the past couple of years, she's expressed her concerns --

THOMAS: I'm opposed to preemptive war, unprovoked preemptive war.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- she's expressed her concerns.

Yo, Scott. Helen Thomas is like a million years old and you gotta be beastin’ on her? Grow a sack, Scott. Oh yeah, and um... expressing concerns about an illegal, unnecessary, expensive, deadly and poorly-run war – that’s not treason. Your boss’ campaign to out an undercover CIA operative on the other hand...

Personal Message

I would like to take a moment to wish my good friend and avid DoG reader Sara a fantastic, happy, transcendent birthday today. Would that we could see each other more often, but alas, she has chosen a lesser "big" city in which to live. When are you going to give up on the midwest, Sara?

Happy Birthday!

The War on Low Poll Numbers

Wow.

President Bush's overall job approval rating has reached the lowest ever measured in this poll, and evaluations of his handling of Iraq, the economy and even his signature issue, terrorism, are also at all-time lows. More Americans than at any time since he took office think he does not share their priorities.

Better late than never, I guess. Just wait until Rove is indicted.

I Learned It From Watching You

Oh my God!! Bombs on the subway! Terrorist infants running mad!!!

On a day when it’s announced that Karl Rove is going to go before the grand jury for a fourth time; when Bush gives another speech invoking 9/11, and the federal government says that the intelligence is dubious – you know it’s fucking dubious.

On the other hand, Mayor Bloomberg was blowing off a mayoral debate last night. Excellent... The pupil has surpassed the master.

WWAHD?

Alexander Hamilton (that dude on the ten-dollar bill) drops his two cents on the Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court in the Federalist Papers. I guess he had a time machine or something, because he wrote this in 1788.

The President is "to nominate, and, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, to appoint ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, judges of the Supreme Court, and all other officers of the United States whose appointments are not otherwise provided for in the Constitution.
...

To what purpose then require the co-operation of the Senate? I answer, that the necessity of their concurrence would have a powerful, though, in general, a silent operation. It would be an excellent check upon a spirit of favoritism in the President, and would tend greatly to prevent the appointment of unfit characters from State prejudice, from family connection, from personal attachment, or from a view to popularity.
...

The possibility of rejection would be a strong motive to care in proposing. The danger to his own reputation, and, in the case of an elective magistrate, to his political existence, from betraying a spirit of favoritism, or an unbecoming pursuit of popularity, to the observation of a body whose opinion would have great weight in forming that of the public, could not fail to operate as a barrier to the one and to the other. He would be both ashamed and afraid to bring forward, for the most distinguished or lucrative stations, candidates who had no other merit than that of coming from the same State to which he particularly belonged, or of being in some way or other personally allied to him, or of possessing the necessary insignificance and pliancy to render them the obsequious instruments of his pleasure.
...

Though it might therefore be allowable to suppose that the Executive might occasionally influence some individuals in the Senate, yet the supposition, that he could in general purchase the integrity of the whole body, would be forced and improbable.

Oh, oops! That’s where he was mistaken.

See What Praying Can Get You?

The New York Times discovers Harriet Miers' true qualification for the high court in George Bush’s mind.

By 1979, Harriet E. Miers, then in her mid-30's, had accomplished what some people take a lifetime to achieve. She was a partner at Locke Purnell Boren Laney & Neely, one of the most prestigious law firms in the South, with an office on the 35th floor of the Republic National Bank Tower in downtown Dallas.

But she still felt something was missing in her life, and it was after a series of long discussions - rambling conversations about family and religion and other matters that typically stretched from early evening into the night - with Nathan L. Hecht, a junior colleague at the law firm, that she made a decision that many of the people around her say changed her life.

"She decided that she wanted faith to be a bigger part of her life," Justice Hecht, who now serves on the Texas Supreme Court, said in an interview. "One evening she called me to her office and said she was ready to make a commitment" to accept Jesus Christ as her savior and be born again, he said. He walked down the hallway from his office to hers, and there amid the legal briefs and court papers, Ms. Miers and Justice Hecht "prayed and talked," he said.

She was baptized not long after that, at the Valley View Christian Church.

So, she was a partner in a Texas law firm, she felt all empty inside –- go figure –- and so she “found” Jesus. Because that’s what the court needs more of – a person so lacking in critical thought that she accepts a popular book of colorful allegories as historical truth. I know someone who says “beam me up, Scotty” every time he leaves a room. Should he be on the Supreme Court too?

But fine, so she thinks Christ was crucified for our sins and literally rose from the dead. Let’s just hope she remembers one of His greatest hits.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you (falsely) because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven.

I’ve known a few of these so-called evangelicals, and they tend to not be so much with the mercy and the peacemaking.

Oh yeah, and what’s Jesus’ stance on the lottery? He didn’t strike me as much of a gambler. Hey, Peter, when you go out for more anointing oil, could you find out yesterday’s Pick 4 numbers for Me? Sweet.

Idle Thought of the Day

President Bush is fond of saying, “There is no litmus test for Supreme Court justices,” which in the first place is a blatant lie. But in any case, do you actually think Bush even knows what litmus paper is?

What Else Is Their Too Say?

Slate’s Bruce Reed found a funny line from the Post’s story about Ms. Miers this morning.

"As Bush's staff secretary, she was known to correct spelling, grammar and even punctuation errors in memos to the president. But she has no judicial experience and not much appellate experience."

Ive changed my upinion, about Herret Myers. Spling and punkchutation is way more imporant then judgy thingees. Two bad she cudent fix Bushs "nukyular" problim.

She Stole My Heart and My Cat

Yeah, so Harriet Miers, eh? Strange bird, this one. Until now, Bush had stuck to only appointing his unqualified cronies to out of the way posts like head of FEMA and Secretary of State. Now, he wants to put his undereducated, obsequious, chief lotto drawing expert on the Supreme Court. I’m of two minds about it, since you asked. Clearly, she’s unqualified. Southern Methodist University? I’m sure it’s a great school, but come on, even Bush went to Yale and Harvard. She’s never sat on a park bench, let alone a court bench. I think she can find the Supreme Court on a map, but she’s never been in its halls as had our new Chief Justice. She’s a hack. A Bush flunky. That’s bad because in other words, the only reason Bush picked her is because he knows exactly how she’ll vote on everything, which is to say on the side of corporate and government fascism and against the people.

But on the other hand, if the Senate gets bitchy about it and doesn’t approve her, I can see Crybaby Bush saying, “Fine, then. Fuck you, here’s Satan, try him on for size.”

Those on the extreme right are complaining about her, which is a good thing, but I don’t get it. Bush is a religiofascist, so she must be too. They might not have it on paper, but she is. No fear of a Souter here. And that’s what worries me. There are three types of Supreme Court justices. There are those with an ideological axe to grind, (Scalia). There are those who are intelligent, fair, deliberative analysts of the constitution and civil rights, (Souter, Stevens, Ginsburg, Breyer). And there are those who are too stupid and unqualified to do anything but be subservient to the person who appointed them or to their total BFF on the court, (Thomas). I fear that Miers is the latter. And that’s no better than a Priscilla Owen or a Janice Rogers Brown.

Why Does God Hate Sunshine?

Did you see it? Are you reading this from that other hemisphere where there are unconfirmed rumors of other countries? A creepy solar eclipse. In Burundi:

In the tiny central African nation of Burundi, residents in the capital, Bujumbura, poured water into buckets and watched the reflection of the eclipse to avoid harming their eyes.

"It looks like sunset, but it is only midday," said one observer, Thadee Ndaruvukanye. "This is a strong sign from God to show us that he is the most powerful."

Upon hearing his comments, President Bush added Mr. Ndaruvukanye to the short list of candidates to replace Harriet Miers in the White House Counsel’s office.

Compassionate Conservatism

"I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down."
-- Conservative Family Values Leader Bill Bennett

I just wanted to remind you how truly evil these people are. In the meantime, Cecelie S. Berry goes into further detail.

Cronies, Cronies, and More Cronies

Tell me, how terrifying is it that Bush appointed his good buddy (with privileges), Karen Hughes to work in the State Department? Not only is she frighteningly ignorant of the world, she apparently knows little about the United States as well. Check out this enlightening exchange that she herself recounts with an unnamed fer-ner while she was in Turkey. (Turkey is a country in the Middle East, if you’re as horrifyingly stupid as Bush’s pals).

QUESTION: Going back to the subject of the President, did anyone speak specifically about President Bush -- their feelings about him, objections to him?

UNDER SECRETARY HUGHES: I haven’t really heard a lot of that. I had one person at one lunch raise the issue of the President mentioning God in his speeches. And I asked whether he was aware that previous American presidents have also cited God, and that our Constitution cites "one nation under God." He said "well, never mind" and went on to something else. So he sort of was trying to equate that with the terrorists’ (inaudible). So I explained that I didn’t really think that was something you could equate. And he sort of dropped it and moved on. He was one of the opposition leaders in Egypt.

Do you think he said “never mind” because he knows that the word “god” appears in our Constitution a grand total of, um... let me count... yeah, zero times, and he didn’t want to embarrass her? Which is weird because as a member of BushCo, everyone knows she is incapable of shame.

Let the Hazing Begin!

Hello Chief Justice John Roberts. Goodbye civil rights.

If Anyone Deserves a Bitchslap...

Check out President Pimpdaddy.

Something Stinks in Washington

And it’s not those damned cherry blossoms. (I’m not a grouch, back off!)

No, it’s the Grand Ol’ Party. Plug your nose and read Salon’s Corruption Scorecard.

Jesus Christ, That’s a Lot of Murder

Wonkette discovers an interesting study in the London Times.

Religious belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unnecessary for a healthy society but may actually contribute to social problems.

The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.

Believers also think that religion is necessary to prevent the horror of mass masturbation too. How’s that working out?

“In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that we’re not spectacular.

Mr. Paul said that rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries. The US also suffered from “uniquely high” adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates, the study suggested.

Mr. Paul said: “The study shows that England, despite the social ills it has, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.”

He said that the disparity was even greater when the US was compared with other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.

That is quite interesting indeed. So those godless heathen (but beautiful) Scandinavians, with their gay marriage and naked midsummer celebrations, have lower abortion and sexually transmitted disease rates than we do? I wonder if that has anything to do with our faith-based sex ed classes?

Nah...

DeLay Update

I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about this a lot. In any case, stories are coming out.

DeLay's attorney Steve Brittain said DeLay was accused of a criminal conspiracy along with two associates, John Colyandro, former executive director of a Texas political action committee formed by DeLay, and Jim Ellis, who heads DeLay's national political committee.

"I have notified the speaker that I will temporarily step aside from my position as majority leader pursuant to rules of the House Republican Conference and the actions of the Travis County district attorney today," DeLay said.

Those annoying rules, eh Tom? You're the Hammer; why don't you just eliminate ethics rules?

Oh yeah...

Tom DeLay Indicted

Boy oh boy! Is your mouth watering? In Texas too. If he were a mentally handicapped minority child, he would be executed. But I guess jail time will be satisfying enough.

More information as it is made available...

Fuck You, Pay Me.

Gas is expensive, isn’t it?  It’s above $3.00/gallon.  (When I turned 16, it was $.89/gallon, and I'm not that old!) That makes sense though.  Through no fault of our own, there’s this war in the middle east.  And through no fault of our own, we got kicked in the ass by a couple of bitch hurricanes.  And by ass I mean the areas of the country where they drill for and refine petroleum, which through no fault of our own happen to smell like ass. 
 
So what do we do?  I mean these gas prices are a drain on our economy.  People are spending all their money on gas instead of on like, groceries or blue jeans or iPods, you know?  Luckily, we have a domestic policy genius in the White House.  Bush in his infinite wisdom has asked a sacrifice of us, finally.  He would like it if we could just for the love of God, stop using so much gas. It’s expensive!!
 
Meanwhile, back in the depths of hell, Exxon Mobil has recorded the highest level of profit in the history of capitalism. So I have a question for you, Americans. In a time of crisis, who should pay? The victims of disasters, the citizens of America, and by proxy, the world? Or the oil companies who are recording not just record profits for them, but the highest profits ever recorded? We know how Bush would answer who has a few friends to answer to. But what do you think? Would it be unthinkable for Bush to ask the oil companies to lower their profit margins in the interest of the U.S. economy?

For the record, I don't even have a car. I just, you know, care about America.