Redneck Wedding

I’m told this weekend is the eagerly anticipated arranged marriage between the Rove employee and the president’s daughter so that the two evil dynasties can merge into a singular unholy union. Talk about doing it old-school… Speaking of which, do you think they’ll display the blood-stained wedding sheets as it requires in the Bible? If so, you better go get your fancy stoning rocks, cuz Lord knows this doofus ain’t the first horse-rustler to trespass in that barn.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is to highlight this photo of “souvenirs” available for sale:



Specifically, the Texas shaped mock invitation. Thing is, I wouldn’t be even a little surprised if the real invitations were Texas shaped as well. One of these days I would like an answer as to why Texans are obsessed with the shape of their state. Have you ever been to Texas? Things that wouldn’t normally be associated with geography often come in the shape of the state. Clocks, bathroom signs, windows, condom wrappers, magazines, ice cream cones, chairs, dart boards. You name it. I just don’t get it. You don’t see Mainers running around with Maine shaped belt buckles, or Ohioans with Ohio shaped shoes. They don’t grow specially engineered Florida shaped oranges (although those would be quite popular). Texans have an inordinate amount of pride, not only in their state, but in the specific shape of their state. Perhaps it’s because after years of living in ignorance and avoiding critical thought, the living world frightens and confuses them. When they see a shape from their childhood, it comforts them. Like tasting Mom's chicken soup or furiously masturbating under the blanket you hope Jesus can't see through.